Have you got a moody teenager in your house?
By BittyBiddy
@BittyBiddy (2903)
Ireland
February 1, 2007 5:06pm CST
I do! This evening my daughter (14) asked me could she go to a teenage disco. I said I wanted to know where it was and who was running it. That was ok. She says to me "Can I go with my friend" and I say "No, I want to bring you". (Because I want to know where it is and that she actually goes in the door of the place). So she says I'm embarrassing and I just say ok.
Then she says "Can I stay in my friend's house afterwards?",
and I say "No, I'd like you to come home and I'll collect you from the disco, if I allow you to go". The rest of the conversation goes like this:
"That's not fair. Why can't I stay?"
"Because I said so"
"That's not a reason"
"It's the only reason I'm giving you"
"I hate you. You're the most embarrassing mother ever"
"Ok"
"Why can't I stay with my friend?"
"Don't push me. Otherwise you won't get to go to the disco at all"
"I don't care. I hate you. You treat me like a baby"
"I'm warning you. You won't go to the disco if you're going to behave like this"
"I hate you. I hate you. I HATE YOU!!!!"
So, that was that. I told her she wasn't going to the disco. Am I being too harsh do you think? I'm worried that she mightn't go home to her friends house after the disco, or that they'll go back out, or that they'll try to meet up with guys afterwards. I don't know this friend's mother very well so I've no idea what sort of control she exercises over her own daughter.
30 people like this
91 responses
@hitzphillygirl (1235)
• United States
1 Feb 07
I *am* the moody teenager in my house. Haha. I probably wouldn't act like that, though. Have you ever let your daughter go out with her friends without you? If not, I say try it once. Earn her trust. If she has a cell phone, tell her to call you every once in awhile to keep in touch and know that she is safe. If she does something this time to make you lose trust in her, tell her that you are taking her to the disco next time.
6 people like this
@paraacbe (231)
• India
2 Feb 07
wait a minute first you have to put yourselves in your mother's shoes and think...in this merciless world where there are so many crimes happening would it be wise to send a 14 year old alone to disco and doesnt care where she stays in the night???i think that is the worst thing a mother could do ...you ask your mother to earn your respect..you are just 14 and you have to first earn her respect for het to earn yours??moreover iam not so old iam just 20 and i have been past your years and this is the age when you think you know best than the others...cos i have done that too...iam slowly realising the importance of elder's words..iam not advising you but giving my opinion..and i would like to say thay you got one of the best mothers in the world and try to care for her
@faerieingrey (323)
• United States
2 Feb 07
I agree completely with you, though I would say that I was the moody teenager as opposed to I am.
1 person likes this
@lilaclady (28207)
• Australia
1 Feb 07
These days I think you have to be careful and you have to watch out for them, your daughter may feel like this but there will come a day when she will thank you and she will be exactly the same with her own daughter if she has one....I think you have a normal daughter and you sound like a good caring mother....
@BittyBiddy (2903)
• Ireland
2 Feb 07
Thank you lilaclady. I hope you are right. I know I look back and thank my mother for being the type of mother she was.
@hockeygal4ever (10021)
• United States
1 Feb 07
Oh do I feel your pain! lol My son and I are at a constant battle stance anymore. I'm mean, I hate him, he hates me, I'm stupid, I'm accusing... should I go on? LOL
Stand your ground and do what's right. It does sound to me like the plans involved a bit more than she wanted you to know (call it a mom's intuition? LOL) and you really put the screws to her game. So of COURSE you're embarassing. The other moms either didn't care or weren't quick enough to catch on!
Good luck... and honestly, contact me via messages, we can exchange emails and perhaps chat online more. Sounds like we have a lot in common. HEY... we could match my 15 yr old son up with your 14 year old daughter... they could annoy each other and eventually get married, have kids and we can sit back together and watch THEIR kids annoy them! lol
Just kidding! But I do feel your pain!
@BittyBiddy (2903)
• Ireland
2 Feb 07
Well I've told my daughter she's only to go out with a bank manager, preferably a bank manager who owns his own bank. LOL! If your son is headed that way, then we can change numbers. For all we know they're probably talking to each other through Bebo anyway.
1 person likes this
@emeraldisle (13139)
• United States
1 Feb 07
Welcome to the teenage years. That is a very common interaction between teenagers and their parents. They often want to spread their wings long before they are ready or before we think they are ready. They don't want parents around but at the same time, even though they won't admit it, they do like having them there. I think you were acting wise and prudent in this situation. It was a new place and you had every right to know what your daughter was doing. She's fourteen not twenty four. Maybe try explaining to her your concerns? That might at least help but not neccissarily. She'll still think you are treating her like a baby, it's part of the age. Yes we as parents have to let go at times but we still need to keep them safe until they can be on their own. I think you are doing a pretty good job at finding that balance.
@BittyBiddy (2903)
• Ireland
2 Feb 07
Thank you Emerald Isle. I'll try explaining my concerns to her in the future.
@babykay (2131)
• Ireland
2 Feb 07
I think u should have handled the situation differently. You need to aim for a state of trust between you and your daughter where you are not worried that your daughter "mightn't go home to her friends house after the disco" as you say, or "meet up with guys afterwards". Afterall, you will not always be in a situation of power to put restraints on her behavior, so you need to gradually build up the amound of freedom she is given. Has she ever lied before or shown evidence of wishing to deceive? Start by giving proper answers to questions such as "why can't I stay". Say to her that you do not know this person's mother well enough etc. Don't just dictate, reason. And as she earns your trust give her more freedom. That way when she is completely independent, she will be able to handle her independence. Consequently, if she breaks your trust such as by being late home or mitching from school punish her. She is 14 years old, only a few more years left under your care, control and tutelage. So make the most of it and don't ruin it by fighting and bad feeling.
3 people like this
@BittyBiddy (2903)
• Ireland
2 Feb 07
I think that I probably should have given her an explanation, yes. I agree that I should gradually build up the amount of freedom she is given, so this is why I was allowing her to go the nightclub but not to her friends house afterwards. I also warned her not to push things and she crossed the line by saying she hated me. I will not accept that from her as I think it's permitting her to show a lack of respect. As a result, now she is not allowed to go to the disco at all.
1 person likes this
@judyt00 (3497)
• Canada
2 Feb 07
Make a deal with her. let her go after a lot of sucking up, and some housework. No, you aren't being unreasonable. My mother had the same arguements with me, and I had the same with my daughter. I used to pull the "When you are legally an adult, you get to make the decisions, until then, I do." chances are, she was planning to do something besides the disco she didn't want you knowing about. If she can't be honest, tough, its your rules or none.
3 people like this
@BittyBiddy (2903)
• Ireland
2 Feb 07
I told her she can't go to the disco and I won't be backing down on that one. If she wants to go to the next one she will have to "suck up". We already had a little chat today anyway. :)
1 person likes this
@vekyengineer (1079)
• India
2 Feb 07
Not yet, There are discos in my town. So there is no problem of it. And also if this situation happens in my life i will not allow to go out with her boy friend. Because that is not good for her future life.
@emisle (3822)
• Ireland
2 Feb 07
It kinda sounds like my house! lol! Except my sister is 16. My dad is a lot more lenient than my mum but she usually gets to stay over at her friend's houses and go to discos. I would let her stay over at her friends no bother. You could tell her to ring you once the disco is over. or check with her friend's mother that nothing out of the ordinary happened. Or you could ask her if her friend would like to stay at your house instead if you're not comfortable?
1 person likes this
@BittyBiddy (2903)
• Ireland
2 Feb 07
I'd just rather she didn't stay over at her friend's house after the disco. I was allowing her to go to the disco. If she was able to prove that she could be trusted at the disco, then the next time I may have allowed her to stay at her friend's house. One step at a time is the way I feel she should play it.
@Thomas73 (1467)
• Switzerland
2 Feb 07
A moody teenager at home? Hell, I've got TWO of them!
The boy (14) is not quite as bad as the girl (16), but they both remind me of Harry Enfield's impersonation of a teenager in his comedy programme a few years back. He was hardly exaggerating and what made me laugh at the time isn't quite so funny anymore.
I just stand firm and shows who rules the house -- reasonably, I hope! -- even if they probably wish that there's a hell somewhere and that I'll go and rot there for all eternity. ;)
1 person likes this
@BittyBiddy (2903)
• Ireland
2 Feb 07
LOL Thomas! I'm sure that's probably along the lines of what my daughter is thinking at the moment.
@diannne (200)
• Philippines
2 Feb 07
well, there are times that I am the moody teenager in the house. heheh.. but i guess ive gone over that stage now. Once i was that 14 year old askin for my parents' permission to go out and beggin them not to treat me like a baby.. After a while i realized that theyre just protecting me.. And maybe thats just what you need to wait, the time when your kid starts to appreciate u. :D
2 people like this
@blueskies (1186)
• United States
1 Feb 07
I think our daughters were separated at birth. I feel your pain, truly I do. I would have reacted exactly as you did. My kids do not go anywhere unless I am sure that they are safe. This includes driving them to and from public places, not allowing them to ride in their friend's cars, keeping my daughter from going to a friend's house when I found out the dad was abusive, etc etc. They say I'm overprotective. I say I'm cautious.
@BittyBiddy (2903)
• Ireland
2 Feb 07
I have had a couple of people call me over protective too and I feel the same way as you, that I'm being cautious.
@fabwisp (1327)
•
2 Feb 07
sounds like a typical conversation with my own mother. Firstly i think you are being very fair, and i would agree with you picking her up and droppingher off. Secondly I wouldnt back down and let her go now, she needs to learn to respect your decisions even if she doesnt agree with them.
1 person likes this
@mnksmommy (301)
• United States
2 Feb 07
I was the same with my mom too! I think this lady is an awesome mom! Great advice!
@babydolphin (536)
• Australia
2 Feb 07
I think you did the right thing. You are not trying to control your daughter life or embarrassed her instead you just want to know and make sure about her safety. That is perfectly normal for you to do. Your daughter is angry because she is in that rebel age and also because she can see that her friends are allowed to stay out late, go to disco etc2. If she asked this you just say "I dont allow you to do that because you are my daughter and I love you so much, I dont care about your friends because they are not my daughter". My mom said this to me a lot of times.. and I admit there are times in my teenage year that I hate my mom so much.. well not actually hate her.. but i dont like what she is doing to my social life. I felt as if she is ruining my life. But after several ages,I can see that she is doing the best she can for the daughter that she loves so much. I can see that all those restriction etc it is only because she loves me and wanted to protect me. Your daughter said that you treat her like a baby, so tell her "I treat you like a baby if you behave like a baby, instead of having an adult discussion". Just stay strong.. it will soon passed (well maybe for another 3 years or so :) ) Good luck
2 people like this
@michelledarcy (5220)
•
2 Feb 07
I don't have a moody teenager but I do have a 5 year old who is going on 15. She can have major strops and whinges all the time. She even had a tantrum a couple of days ago!
I am dreading when my 2 girls get to be teenagers. When the oldest is 16 the youngest will be 13, I think that will be a real nightmare for me, especially if they are the same as teenagers as I was!
1 person likes this
@BittyBiddy (2903)
• Ireland
2 Feb 07
Yes, when my youngest is 13 my eldest will be 17. Looks like all of us will be tearing out hair out. I pity my poor husband. :D
@Meljep (1666)
• United States
2 Feb 07
You were absolutely right. If you don't protect your daughter who will? When she's 18 she can be all the adult she wants to be . It only takes a second for something to go wrong and you will be kicking yourself for the rest of your life. Try to explain to her that you have only 1 daughter and you can't replace her, that's why you are so protective of her. It's your job to be a "mean" mom. She'll understand someday.
1 person likes this
@peni88 (469)
• United States
2 Feb 07
welcome to the teenage years!!!!! i have 3 of them right now, 2 girls and one boy. its is a royal pain in the butt. you seem to have control of the situation. and no you werent being to harsh. she argued with you, you warned her, and she didnt get to go. but on the other side like one of the posters asked, have you ever let her go somewhere with her friends without you taking and picking her up? also if she has a cellphone have her check in every now and then . i always have my kids mad at me because there arent many of their friends that i like all that much.
1 person likes this
@BittyBiddy (2903)
• Ireland
2 Feb 07
I have recently started letting her go places on her own with her friends. Usually I have to drop her somewhere as we don't live that close to town, but on some occasions she has walked with her friends.
@tictac714 (975)
• United States
2 Feb 07
Well my parents would have probably done the same thing.
And once she started talking to you like that you really can't let her go. Can't let her get away with talking to you that way.
@BittyBiddy (2903)
• Ireland
2 Feb 07
Thank you tictac. That was the point, yes. She had fair warning not to push the issue.
@wesker311 (508)
• Philippines
2 Feb 07
you're so right to do that make your point and showing her where you stand in the family! you've mentioned about she might get out of the house even after coming from a party? well that's true many teenagers now a days they tend to look for adventure and still not satisfiedwith it and would go out there and would still look! i did it when i was a teenager! i asked my mo if i could sleep over at my bestfriends house since she trust me so much she didnt call to check if i we were in the house sleepng! instead me and my friends sneak out to my bestfriends mom to go partying went back home the next day!Sorry Mom!!!! it's okay to let your child out with her friends once in a while just tell her to take care of herself and dont do anything stupid that she might regret in the future, because i sure did.
1 person likes this
@vampirestonez (1181)
• Pakistan
2 Feb 07
Well I think you did the right thing, maybe you should check out this teenage disco and see what the place is like, try doing some research on it and it's best to be aware of the company she keeps. It won't be easy even though you stated that you don't know her mother, even if you know her mother you still can't figure what her daughter is like. It's hard and try to make her listen to reason, my parent's always used to stop me from staying out late but I always used to sneak out. It's hard controlling a teenager and explain your reason, I'm 20 now and I have passed this phase many times but in the end of the day all I can say is somethings that my parent's did was for my own benefit.
1 person likes this
@mariedaryl (33)
• Philippines
2 Feb 07
IT's really difficult to deal with teenagers because they are going through a difficult phase. My daughter is sometimes like that, but I rarely argue with her. I make it a point to talk to her on her level and make her understand that I'm not doing it to spite her but to protect her. I also make it a point to listen.
1 person likes this
@BittyBiddy (2903)
• Ireland
2 Feb 07
I start off talking on my daughter's level and then it all blows up because she constantly pushes for more.
