Domestic Violence-Why do so many women continue to put up with it?
By micheleg4153
@micheleg4153 (31)
United States
February 4, 2007 2:28pm CST
I just can't understand it. A man you think you love and think loves you gets increasingly controlling long before he first hits you. The need for him to control you is the first sign. Why let it get beyond that? But women do. Then, he hits you! It's horrible and shocking and you're so stunned, you can't believe it. You know this should never have happened. How could he hurt you? You thought he loved you. The next day, he says "I'm sorry" and promises never to do such a thing again. But he will, they always do. So you stay....
1. Anyone who hits you in anger or violence or for any reason does not love you. Get that straight first.
2. If you stay beyond that first hit, you deserve every hit thereafter for not being smart enough to get out the first time. I don't mean to sound uncaring or rude but let's face it, you didn't deserve the first one, why stay and take more of it unless you think that's all you deserve in life. It's not true but if you believe it, no one can convince you otherwise, so learn to respect and believe in good things for yourself.
3. He will NEVER change for you. Leopards don't change their spots. It is possible he may get help and change eventually, on some other planet, but it will not be while he's with you. It may only happen when he finally moves on to someone else, which he won't do until you leave.
4. If you make that courageous move to leave, then try to remember that not all men are hitters. Look at the past history you had with the abuser, recognize the signs of a potential abuser, and break the pattern by never choosing that same type of person again. Demand better for yourself!
There is so much help available to women who suffer domestic abuse and violence. Don't be afraid to reach out to anyone. There is always help and you CAN start over. You CAN make it on your own, even with children. Don't let your insecurity keep you locked in a cycle of violence. If not for yourself, think of your children. They don't deserve growing up in a violent atmosphere. It is never the best thing for them.
How many of you have known or been in such a situation and how long did it take you to get out? Share your stories and help others to help themselve.
9 people like this
38 responses
@ukchriss (2097)
•
5 Feb 07
I've Been there, done that and got the scars to prove it!
But, Who are you to say such a thing as "If you stay beyond that first hit, you deserve every hit thereafter for not being smart enough?
That is such a nasty thing to say!
Have you ever been abused and Do you know what it is really like? Every case is different!
Its not very easy to walk away from a very controlling partner who has worn down your self esteem so much that you DO start to believe everything he says.
you feel worthless and are much too scared to leave him…
You do raise some very good points and yes there is a lot of help out there for victims of domestic violence.
But who really wants to admit that they are being hurt by someone they still love despite them hurting you?
It takes a lot of guts to walk away and never look back.
I did, I left after 12 years with just the clothes that I was wearing but I lost two of my children by doing so,
They were old enough for the court to ask them who they wanted to stay with and because he was so controlling they chose him!
It broke my heart… I still have no contact with them after 15 years
4 people like this
@beautifulceiling (1300)
• United States
5 Feb 07
ukchriss my heart aches for you! Mine did the same thing, but I was fortunate. I stayed with him for 23 years so by the time we got to the custody fight I only had one that was still a minor and by the end of the case she was seventeen and a half! He just did it to punish me. I'm so sorry for what happened to you. You didn't deserve it.
Just goes to show you that sometimes women stay out of a very REALISTIC fear of retribution, or for their children and that does not mean they deserve to be hit!
@classyphotobuggy (647)
• United States
5 Feb 07
So sorry to hear of your pain chriss!! I too was in an abusive marriage (it didn't start out that way) and it was only verbal abuse, but still abuse. I'm divorced now and have been for 7 years. I agree with everything you said here!! Very, very well said!! Thank you :-)
@3rd_week (1)
• Australia
5 Feb 07
a woman, specially a wife tend to be dependent to her husband or partner then they loose self esteem and self confidence. once they are hurt(verbally or physically) they just tell themselves that is part of the relationship. then it happens again then they will think that its their fault. it will keep on going and going until they will be used to it. it will become a part of their everyday life(like the cursing and hitting etc..)
we cant easily blame these women. usually when they are in a family of their own, they tend to isolate themselves to the world and to their relatives. they just dont know where to run so they just keep the pain inside them.
3 people like this
@lingli_78 (12822)
• Australia
5 Feb 07
woww.., you are very right... you raise very good points... however, i think i quite disagree with your point number 3... i've been hit by my husband once and my whole family got so mad at him and give him a very stern warning... he says that he is very sorry and he promises that he will never lay a hand on me anymore... he really regrets it until now and he does change... he never touch me anymore and i still stay with him... i will give him another chance... i think people do deserve another chance... if he does hit me another time (second time), then i will surely leave him... i even say that i will see him in court if he hits me again which he never does... i think we are just human and human does make mistake... and we have to give people a chance to change... at least one more chance...
1 person likes this
@micheleg4153 (31)
• United States
5 Feb 07
You sound like a strong woman. I hope everything works out for you. God Bless.
@dreamsncharms (1340)
• United States
4 Feb 07
I agree with most things you have said with the exception of this: "If you stay beyond that first hit, you deserve every hit thereafter for not being smart enough..." Who in the hell are you to say such a thing. Things like that being said to woman who are abused are reasons they stay because some thing they deserve it. If you want to be positive and encourage woman to leave abusive relationships, than why add in abusive comments? have you ever been abused? Do you know what it is like? Not every woman out there is as strong as you and I and it is easier said than it is done.
2 people like this
@AyaMiami (95)
• United States
5 Feb 07
I don't think telling someone who's already in an abusive realationship that they are stupid brings about anger in them. They don't think normally because their self esteem has been knocked into the dirt. They feel like they've made some mistakes and now they can't turn to someone else for help, they need to tough it out and deal with it. All they are getting from words like that is a feeling of shame.
@beautifulceiling (1300)
• United States
5 Feb 07
There is absolutely no excuse whatsoever for #2. It just further beats down a person who has already had her self-esteem shattered. It's too bad because the rest of your post was valid and helpful, but it is irredeemably tainted by that one. You could have made the same point without further demoralizing and demeaning someone who never needs to be told that she deserves to be hit.
@rogue13xmen13 (14402)
• United States
5 Feb 07
Thank you, thank you, that is what I have been trying to tell these women online, but they just want to have that stupid victim mentality. In this day and age, with all of the information that we have, how on Earth could you let someone beat you? It makes no sense. It is crazy. For goodness sakes, he cannot harm you unless you let him. Come on women, you have way more power than you think, but it is like you subconsciously want to be victims and you want men to hit you. Stop that. If he hits you, beat him back. Fight back. My step-father tried to do that to my mother and I one time and I fought back. I got in his face. You have power over him, not the other way around. In a dog eat dog world, remember this, if anyone attacks you, you have the right to fight back in that very moment that they attack you. The rules get thrown out the window the minute anyone attacks you.
@beautifulceiling (1300)
• United States
5 Feb 07
You know what? Unless you have been there, please refrain from judging people who have. Abusers are masters of emotional blackmail. You don't know everything that happens to every abused woman. In fact, if you will do a little research, you will learn that THE MOST DANGEROUS TIME FOR AN ABUSED WOMAN IS WHEN SHE TRIES TO LEAVE HER ABUSER. Pardon me for yelling, but there is a reality there which may not be obvious to people who are not living in the middle of the nightmare but it is there and it is very real.
1 person likes this
@babydolphin (536)
• Australia
5 Feb 07
I agree totally. Love doesnt hurt someone, love doesnt hit someone. I think some (or many?) woman stays with their partner first because it has been going on too long, and they are afraid of the life out there without him, the abuser may threatened to do something bad to them, woman thinks that they deserved it (i dont understand how can someone deserved this???) some woman thinks that they are the only one who can control their partner angers, and that the guys only hit you because he suffers so much and woman wants to take the suffering out of their hands. Whatever your reason is, it is wrong to stay with your abuser. Get out of the relationship. Respect yourself, you are a valuable person, you do not deserve to be hit again and again.
2 people like this
@beautifulceiling (1300)
• United States
5 Feb 07
Apparently because we're a bunch of stupid idiots who deserve it. GRRR!
@beautifulceiling (1300)
• United States
5 Feb 07
I stayed because I knew if I tried to leave he would make it even worse. He did.
I didn't say that you didn't know anything about it. But you don't know everything about it. Everyone's situation is different. Everyone undergoes different levels of coercion. Everyone has different fears about what will happen if they leave. These fears are often very, very realistic. The abused woman is in a lose-lose situation. Sometimes staying is actually the lesser of two evils. That does not mean she deserves what happens to her.
Most women who are murdered by their abusers are killed when they try to leave him. To blame her for not leaving in light of that adds insult to injury.
I'm glad you said you would change it if you could.
1 person likes this
@venshida (4836)
• United States
5 Feb 07
I have never being in an abusive relationship, my rule is the first time you are out. I know someone who endured abuse for years. She stayed because she did not have the financial resources, plus low self esteem. She eventually left the individual after counseling.
1 person likes this
@dragonstar13 (1465)
• United States
4 Feb 07
You raise some very good points, yes there is help out there for victims of domestic violence. However, many women who are victims suffer from extremely poor self esteem. They truly believe they need a man, any man, even one who beats them, to be a complete person. They believe if they are being beat, it is because they have done something wrong or are just inadequate and deserve to be beaten.
Other women are afraid that even if they do leave, he will track them down and hurt/kill them or the children. Although we have shelters and restraining orders, they don't always work.
Still other women feel trapped financially. Imagine having three or four children, no money, no skills and your best prospect is a minimum wage job that won't even cover day care. Would you really be willing to take your children and risk being homeless, seeing them starve?
I am not saying this to validate the victim's excuses for staying, but to show that society needs to take a more proactive stance in dealing with the offenders.
@lynn3024 (198)
• Canada
5 Feb 07
it's all much deeper then just wanting to stay and be hit again and again. NO women is stupid whether they are being abused or not . it is the abuser-manipulator that is stupid. I was in an abusive relationship before i was with him for a total of 6 years the last 3 was when he was abusive. The first time hits you like a ton of bricks not only physically but also mentally. you are in shock and you can't believe it. your mind starts to race wondering why. Maybe i did something to make him really mad, maybe it was my fault, maybe he's really hurting inside and doesn't know how to get his anger out. all of these questions go through your head and many more. you are in complete shock. by the time you come out of that shock everything is peachy again and you believe that it will never happen again. Also after being with someone for so long you don't know how to move on , were will you go , how will you feel. you just want everything to go back to normal so that you don't have to go through all the painful changes of leaving a long time relationship. you pray everyday that it will just go away that everything will go back to normal you try so hard and hurt everyday. nobody wants to make life changing decesions if they think that they can do something to avoid it. it is one of the hardest things that a women will have to face. YOU don't know what it's like until you have been abused So don't put people down and judge them for feelings that you don't understand. Watching your mother being abused by your father is a terrible thing that nobody should have to see, but it's not the same as being abused.
@lynn3024 (198)
• Canada
5 Feb 07
every women always says "i will not let someone hit me or abuse me" but it still happens to them. Not all women who are abused have low selfesteem , I didn't. I knew i could do better, i knew i didn't deserve what i was getting. It was the change that i was scared of ..
leaving someone who i have been with for so long. knowing no other life then the one i am in. not knowing were to go or what to do or just not wanting to have to go through it is was kept me from leaving for a long time.
I finally said to myself one day. he is not going to change things will never be different. i have to go. I took my daughter and moved in with my parents until i got back on my feet. the hardest part was the constant phone calls at home and at work from him begging me to go back. he sent mee flowers,cards, and everything he could think of he said his life was over without me. alot of women will give because they feel bad for hurting them nomatter how much they hurt you. Today 3 years later my ex and i still keep in touch because of our daughter, we get along. I am married now and he is engaged to be married.
@micheleg4153 (31)
• United States
5 Feb 07
You're right about it being deeper. I would never make light of a subject that I feel so strongly about. Again, i would like to re-iterate that I don't think any women deserves to be hit or abused. I feel that the women herself, the one goes back into the situation, is the one who feels she deserves it. Someone in here said "not everyone is as strong as you are" and perhaps that's true. I grew up seeing this and knew I would never let someone do that to me. I also grew up with a disease that nearly killed me and would have crippled me completely had I not been the strong person that I am. i have down days where I don't feel I'll ever find that "special someone" but rest assured, My self esteem will never be so low that I will allow anyone to treat me so unkindly. I say this not to be patronizing at all. I say it so others might be inspired enough to look into that mirror, see the face staring back at them, as say "I dESERVE better!!" Why? Because they do. I know you can't get tone across on a message board but I have so much compassion for these women it is unreal. I have put myself in danger standing up to their abusers myself. Like an idiot, I dared them to hit me so I could press charges and put them in jail so they couldn't hurt my friends anymore, but being the true cowards they are, they didn't do it. These type of men only prey on the weak or weakened. Don't let anyone weaken you. Stay strong and reach out.
I've been reading everyone's responses and I'm so touched and so proud of you ladies who have gotten yourselves out or are prepared to do so. Hate, me, Like me, agree or disagree, as long as you get yourself out to safety, I will be happy for you.
@lyndaj70 (293)
• United States
5 Feb 07
Thank you for your post. I was in an abusive relationship with absolutely nowhere to go. When I tried to leave anyway I was punished. So I got sneaky. I acquired a couple of registered dogs which I bred and sold the pups. That money was saved until I found an old mobile home for sale that I bought "for rental property." Then came the problem that I couldn't leave him while he was there, so I sang the praises of over the road truck driving until he decided to go to school and go over the road -- this took a couple of years after I got the trailer, more or less. Then I moved out while he was gone. He actually came in while I was in the middle of the move, but fortunately I was with a friend so all I got was some language.
He then made tons of promises if I would take him back, so I agreed to one last chance -- while I still lived in my trailer "on my turf" and on my terms. When the day came that he started throwing things at me I told him to get out. Took a three-day standoff, with him doing everything in his power to get the police to arrest me, until finally they gathered enough evidence to help me get an EPO against him and get him out.
He would drive past my trailer every fifteen minutes -- you could set a clock by him for days. He even kidnapped my youngest off my front porch, apparently had the house staked out cause I wasn't in the house but a moment. We finally got the divorce finalized but there were still problems with him trying to videotape my home and other issues so I moved several hours away to escape. It isn't perfect here but overall it's more peaceful. He can only cause trouble if he drives all the way up here -- which he does to drag me in court every chance he gets. I wish he would just move on and leave me alone.
1 person likes this
@freelife2 (76)
• United States
5 Feb 07
It took me 10 years to get out of the abuse. He made sure I had no way out for many years. To Finally stand up to him to get out. But in the long he still to this day makes me pay for it with our kids and the laws where I live have left him get alway with so much. Wasn't even a month after I kicked him out my kids and I almost lost our lives to fire in our trailer that I know in my heart that he started because he told the fire department he knew i was still up 45 minutes before it started but he got away with it just like everything else he has every done.
@Iron_Cider (130)
• Barbados
4 Feb 07
It is nice to know that women speak out and most of the demostic violence is kept secret.
My first wife drove me to the point where I wanted to hit her but I walked. I hit my first girlfriend about 20 years ago and I promised since then never to hit another woman but walk away from the situation if you have to.
I beleive most women put up with it because they beleive it will not happen again and that they will loose their support structure if they leave.
Trust me, it is better to walk the first time than to stay and hope for the better.
@distancecast (5)
•
5 Feb 07
ok does this make me one of those peolpe? my girlfiend says i need help, i am not sure if i do or dont but if i do more than happy to get it. breifly, the other weekend we go out for a meal as we do most weekends when we do not have our children, the next morn because i do not want to go to the cinema that night she goes on and on at me, i just sit in bed take it and take it then she adds in to it that i am seeing somebody else, numerous times before i have told i am not, i spend all my spare time with her, at this i get out of bed, by throwing the covers off and return the agruement, i shouted i have had enough of this i am going along with swear words, at this she adds i have no respect for her feels and do not care about her, and that we do nothing together, my god if that was the case we do loads of things normally me doing wht she wants, because i have to prove that i care. she is constantly going on at me that is my fault and that i need help to control my temper and that i have no respect for her, it seems the more i try the more it gets harder. does tht make me one of these people tht needs help am i a domestic abuser?
@micheleg4153 (31)
• United States
5 Feb 07
It doesn't sound like you're the abuser here. It sounds more like a dissatisfied girlfriend/wife who knows how to push your buttons and likes doing it. You had an arguement. One of many, it sounds like. You both yelled at eachother and said things in anger but that is not the same as being manipulating, controlling and physically violent. My advice (which you can take or leave) is simple. You are trying hard to make something work and it's not working. You say you are trying to make her happy but she's not. I don't know your whole situation or even her side but if the relationship means enough to you to get some professional counseling, then suggest it to her. If she agrees then you are giving it one last shot to make it work which is great. Hopefully, it will resolve your issues and teach you both how to communicate your displeasure without yelling and learn to work with eachother and not against. If she disagrees, then realize that you will either continue repeating these arguements, eventually beating eachother down verbally, or you will walk away and not look back (except for the kids, of course). If you two are only hell bent on hurting eachother, then stop. It's not healthy for you and it's not something the kids should see either. I wish you luck. Feel free to drop by and let me know how it all turns out.
1 person likes this
@micheleg4153 (31)
• United States
6 Feb 07
I don't mind at all. It's all up to you to do what you think is best. It's nice though that you are conscious of what is occuring in your relationship and that you want to do something to make it better. I applaud that. Much luck and happines to you.
@distancecast (5)
•
5 Feb 07
thanks for responce so quick, i really dont know wht to do for the best i can not keep on like this, as much as i try it goes back very time, if i need help i will get it guess the best thing is to lay it all on the line and make a start,i am more tahn happy to go and sort things out, quite openly discuse things, plus am not afraid to admit i might be wrong, all part of learning nobody is perfect but i know when i can not cope and wht makes me tick, the scary thing is you let somebody into your life and they learn wht makes you tick,i have never been in a relationship like it nor want to agian, but for some reason i give in and blame me every time, because i shout but the way i see it is just when i have taken enough, in all honesty i think seeking help is the best thing for me because right now i just need to know if it is me.hope you don't mind
@p3halliwel2005 (3156)
• Philippines
5 Feb 07
Thanks for letting me know this.I have been hit so many times by my husband. I have already told him that I will leave him if he does that one last time. I am already saving my money so I will be ready when I leave him.
@micheleg4153 (31)
• United States
5 Feb 07
I'll say a prayer for you that if and when he does it again, you'll still be physically able to walk away. What are you waiting for? You said yourself that it has happened many times. I'm really glad to hear you are financially prepared to go but what if the next time, you don't live? This is what I don't understand. I have never been physically abused but have suffered a great deal of verbal abuse that I put a stop to. I would never let any man get beyond the first hit. You shouldn't either. I bet you're a wonderful, sweet, beautiful lady. I believe in you and I believe you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. So, if you ever need to talk to someone, message me here anytime. You have a friend in me. Good luck to you.
@faylinn_chaeli (1619)
• Philippines
9 Feb 07
Thank you for the information, fortunately I don't have any experience with that. I hope more and more women realize that love is measured by respect and we should not cling on to someone who would hurt us emotionally and physically.
@micheleg4153 (31)
• United States
9 Feb 07
That is wonderful advice. I couldn't have said it better myself.
@jhoanee (598)
• Philippines
5 Feb 07
your post really a nice one. you can help women who suffered domestic violence. i have knew of someone personally who is been in that situation before. it takes her 3 hits before she realized that its all over. she didnt told us at first we just noticed that she had bruises in some parts of her body at first she make excuses until one day she told us everything and can you imagine their not married. we never thought that her boyfriend can do it coz physically he doesnt look like one, but looks are deceiving. you will only knew a true person when you have a chance to know him/her personally. we didnt report it to the police as that person requested not to do it. so after the third hit happened she break-up with the guy. thank god she realized it sooner than we thought and now she is in good hands already with the guy that love her truely.
i really felt pity to the women who suffered from domestic violence, we should not tolerate any man who do that to us.
@micheleg4153 (31)
• United States
5 Feb 07
Hi jhoanee,
Your're right. No women should ever put up with it. I'd like to thank all the people responding here because your personal experiences are helping someone, somewhere get the courage to leave that bad situation.
@gemini1960 (1161)
• Philippines
5 Feb 07
im a husband and a father and i love my wife dearly ..i cant imagine hurting her on the process...im too doesnt approve of guys who hit or abusive to their women its not fair ...women needs to be love and care...
@micheleg4153 (31)
• United States
5 Feb 07
Bless you gemini, you have a good heart and the right idea. Wish there were more of you.
@bethmt (419)
• United States
7 Feb 07
You bring up some good points and I've heard people bring up this question before but the answers aren't always very simple and clear cut and the solutions aren't always easy.
I'd just like to mention a few things because I do some volunteer work with abused women and child abuse survivors. Yes there are domestic abuse shelters and they do wonderful work. But their resources are often very limited and they rely a lot upon public donations.
The shelter where I do volunteer work is able to take in women with young children but they are not able to accomodate women who want to bring children over 12 and honestly I'm not sure why.
Also, a woman can live at the shelter here for only 30 days. Everything possible will be done to help her line up housing of some kind but this is a small community and there is only so much housing to go around.
Domestic abuse shelters almost always have time limits even though exceptions can be made. For women with young children this can be terribly hard because they may need to not only find work but they have to find daycare and housing and while the social workers and counselors do all they can a lot of it depends upon the available resources in the town or community.
Many women with dogs or cats are often afraid to leave abusive relationships because the man will threaten to kill the animal and domestic abuse shelters can't accomodate pets. But I've heard of some humane societies who agree to help out by sheltering the pet until the woman finds a place to live.
Women with psychological or physical disabilities that make it impossible for them to work full time and aren't already on disability may find a nightmare of paperwork and lengthy waiting periods to get onto disability,and like I said, most shelters have a limited time that the woman can stay. So they'll need to find a place to live, possibly a caseworker, etc. while they're waiting.
I'm not saying all of this to be discouraging in any way but just to show that there is often a lot of work, discouragment and hardship involved for women after they leave the abusive relationship. Of course it's certainly far better than being abused in any way and they absolutely need to leave if they are being abused.
@beautifulceiling (1300)
• United States
7 Feb 07
Thank you for posting this. I get so tired of people asking "why don't they just leave?" as if it's as simple as that. With rare exceptions people who haven't personally been there have no idea of the uphill battle battered women face WHILE and AFTER they leave.
@nijawife (43)
• Nigeria
5 Feb 07
Its even better for women in the western world,in my part of the universe,women have no say and as such are treated as inferior to men.You need to see my blog and understand what iam saying.You are even grateful you get a man to marry you and you must endure all chit to remain married and in anycase nobody respect women who are of age and remain unmarried no matter their status in life and their other achievement.A man hitting a woman happens all the time and you are just to accept it as part of the deal and its even justify that you provoke him and you must learn not to provoke if you want to stay out of trouble.
