Difficult Situation. I could use some advice here...
By ljcapps
@ljcapps (1925)
United States
February 6, 2007 7:22pm CST
Okay, this is a story. And it's kinda long, so bear with me. My brother in law, Russ, and my sister in law, Megan. Okay, Russ is my wife's brother whom she adores. Russ walks on water to my wife. He's a good man, a good family man, takes his responsibility very seriously and is always working towards ways to make his life and the life of his family better. He'll be 30 this May. Now enters Megan. Megan is 22 years old. They got married when she was 20, and had a baby shortly thereafter. She loves their son, but she likes to go out every weekend with her buddies that aren't married and don't have children, they like to go out and drink. Lots. Now for some time, things haven't been right between the two of them, he wants to go to counseling to work it out, she refuses. So last night, they get into a big argument. She'd been digging around in his computer and broke into his journal, and preceded to rip him apart. Meanwhile, she's telling him well, i love you but i'm not in love with you and maybe if i can be apart from you for awhile we can work this out. My wife thinks she's cheating on him. Which I agree. So, Megan turns around and sends Cassie, my mother in law a letter along the lines of "this is my side of the story, i love him, i'm not in love with him, I don't think i ever was "in" love with him there's no connection, he doesn't want to get a divorce but i don't think it can work out." this is the jist of the letter that she sends to his own mother. Now, he thinks they can work it out because she said that to him, but she's telling Cassie this is basically it. Do we pass the letter on to Russ? How do we help him through this?
14 people like this
35 responses
@COLLIS2 (479)
• United States
7 Feb 07
Firstly, why on earth is this woman writing your mother-in-law about their divorce or pending divorce? What is wrong with her? Not only do I think she is cheating. I think she is trying to set up a barrier between the man and his family. She may even be setting up the stage for a precedent large financial battle in divorce. That is a horrible thing to do and I think things between spouses should be kept to themself. I am divorced and didn't want to be but there's no way in hell that I would ever think of or have the gall to do what she did.
@ljcapps (1925)
• United States
7 Feb 07
Thank you!!! Both of you. We agree completely. We have no idea why she would send a letter like that to his mother in law. It served no purpose. And i'm afraid she is going to try to milk him for everything hes' got. They've got a huge house, and she's going to move out of it. Our advice was to sell it. He doesn't need to pay for all of that room for himself when if this doesn't work, he doesn't even want to stay in that state. Plus, it's a huge financial drain on him, paying for it by himself.
@sunshinelady (7609)
• United States
7 Feb 07
I agree with you one hundred percent. Two people should try to work out their differences and the letter to the mother in law should never have been sent. Differences should be worked out between the two of them. With that kind of thing going on that is awful for the child. Lot of stress for the child. In all things the child should come first and it doesn't sound like she is too keen on being a mom.
2 people like this
@ashjoe76 (1422)
• India
7 Feb 07
I guess you need to prepare Russ to face reality. What is the use pining after someone who does not love him, and even seems to cheat on him? The fact that they have a kid makes things complicated, but it doesn't make any sense to be trapped in loveless, eventless marriage.
3 people like this
@sunshinelady (7609)
• United States
7 Feb 07
Exactly. He needs to face the fact that she wants her freedom. It doesn't appear that she loves him. Instead of trying to hold on to someone who doesn't love him, cut her loose and get on with his life. After the wounds heal maybe someone else will come along who truly loves him.
2 people like this
@brokentia (10389)
• United States
7 Feb 07
Sounds to me that she is cheating on him and she is abusing him emotionally because she will tell him one thing and his mother another.
Yes, I do think he has the right to see the letter.
It will really hurt him...but he has the right to know what she really thinks and tells others. I believe she sent this letter to his mother because she is too chicken sh!t to tell him herself. She does not want to face what she has caused.
And with the child...I would strongly suggest that he request full custody of the child and be sure that is part of the divorce paperwork.
It is hard to think what a person does to ruin a family. But he has the right to know and I truly believe that she sent the letter as a coward's way.
2 people like this
@ljcapps (1925)
• United States
7 Feb 07
That's what my wife said. As soon as she read it she hit the roof! I don't think he'll request full custody even though we think he should fight tooth and nail. He's old fashioned in the way that he thinks a child needs it's mother more than it's father. We disagree. We think it's whatever parent is better suited. Plus, my wife is up in arms because it IS her brother, but because she also thinks megan is being cowardly and two faced.
2 people like this
@ljcapps (1925)
• United States
7 Feb 07
thank you for that, it's deeply appreciated. And i agree completely, if she'd rather be out drinking with her friends than take that time to spend it with her husband and child, her priorities have serious issues. I just want him to see that. Part of the problem for us is, he doesn't have close family near him, and so i'm afraid he'll be a litle bereft without a close support system. We're pretty far away, so words and intentions are nice, but we'd like to give him a hug, and someone to hang out with and destress.
1 person likes this
@lilbitgreen (167)
• United States
7 Feb 07
I agree that your brother in law should seriously think about the situation. It is good that you guys have open arms for him. You guys need to let him know what is going on but be prepared to stand back and be there for him to go through the stages. He may get mad at you guys at first because he doesn't believe that it is ending and may think that you guys are trying to start things, and then of course he will have the acceptance and be sad. Let him know that your door is always open but don't shove it in his face. If they can't work it out tell him to think carefully about full custody. I understand that he is old fashion and doesn't want to take the child away from it's mother but he needs to consider that a 22 year old that goes out drinking and partying every weekend when she should be home with her familyis not responsible enough to take care of the baby and there is a high chance that the baby would be neglected aand/or abused. I wish your family luck and stick together and you will get through it.
3 people like this
@cwgrlsarefun (1581)
• United States
7 Feb 07
Poor man, sounds as if he is the only one in love in this relationship. I would deffinatly give him the letter, he needs to face what she is doing behind his back. The only way that you can really help him is to be honest with him and be there for him when things do fall apart. It does sound as though she is sneaking around on him and that will come out in time to. It also sounds as if he is the one who deserves the baby. I would hope that she was not planning on taking the baby as it does not sound as if she is stable enough for that.
3 people like this
@ljcapps (1925)
• United States
7 Feb 07
I don't think she is. I think when she and Russ were involved she saw, steady, stable, good job. Marriage? Sure! None of her friends were married so she could be the first to get married and buy a house and blah blah blah. I don't think she really looked into the commitment part of it, and the responsibility of marriage.
@freezingfev (815)
•
7 Feb 07
kk...maybe im not really qualified to answer this question as im only 18....but i would like to say something!!
when a girl says she isnt in love with some1 but still loves him.....its like saying...." im breaking up with up...but we can still be friends!!"
she saying that to avoid confrontations....she doesnt want to say to your brother that she wants to finish it...she doesnt want to hurt him...!! but she want to get out of the relationship!! shez probably thinking ...that there isnt any real connection .... anything common with the two.....but she doesnt know how to get out amicably....with out hurting any1.
also doesnt your brother deserve some1 better?? some1 more like him....who would love him??....
2 people like this
@ljcapps (1925)
• United States
7 Feb 07
Exactly. But she's not being honest and upfront with him in that regard. Shes being cowardly, and she's the one that's drawing other people into this situation. So, maybe i don't feel bad about butting in, because this wouldn't be an issue if she'd just been honest with him in the first place, and never sent the letter to the mother in law! And age doesn't necessarily have anything to do with having a good head on your shoulders. Just cause you're 18 doesn't mean you don't have any common sense. Sounds like you're doing pretty well. Thank you for the response!
@simplysue (631)
• United States
7 Feb 07
You all need to be honest with Russ as difficult as it will be. She is not willing to go to counseling, she is not willing to work it out. If you don't come clean with him,he may lose trust in all of you.
Russ, as you say, is a good man, a family man, takes his responsibility very seriously...........and deserves to know the truth and to be able to use that information to do what's best for the child as well as himself. Don't mention the cheating as that is only your suspicion. He should be shown the letter. You help him through this by being honest and being there to listen when he needs to talk, when he needs help with his child and stand by him in the event the divorse gets messy. Start documenting things now in case there is a custody battle later.
3 people like this
@ljcapps (1925)
• United States
7 Feb 07
That's what we told him. Not about the cheating, but to start writing stuff down. And we live several states away, so it's even harder, but we told him if he showed up with his son in arms and the clothes on their backs on our front door step we'd take them in, and help get them back on their feet. I'm just afraid that he'll delude himself into believing her.
1 person likes this
@khushboo1984 (1257)
• India
7 Feb 07
I think so your brother-in-law and his wife should live apart for a few weeks and think about where their marraige is heading towards. I will do them no good to be in the same house and constantly fighting with each other. The problem with the wife is that she married tyoung and had a kid too soon. She did not get the time to really enjoy her life and now when she sees her unmarried friends enjoying life she gets a bit jealous of them. If she is given some space then she will really understand the importance of having a family and would return to your brother-in-law
2 people like this
@ljcapps (1925)
• United States
7 Feb 07
They don't even fight. She just shuts him out and walks away. She says that her family is like his, where they can discuss things openly and work them out. So if something is wrong, well, truly? i think she just doesn't care and is trying to find a way out that will benefit her the best.
@dreamsncharms (1340)
• United States
7 Feb 07
I agree with some of the others. You need to be honest and tell him what you think... tell him once and than let him deal with his own problems and figure out what to do. Megan sounds like she is a party girl that got married maybe too quickly. She sounds like she is at least being honest about not being in love with him and saying she does not think she ever was. Her saying a seperation may help them, is just a load. Russ needs to get a divorce and move on. I know that If someone told me that are not in love with him and don't think they ever were. There would be no question of wanting to work things it. It would be over right than and there to me. I bet he really does love her so this is hard for him though but he needs to wake up. She will not just amazingly fall in love with him. They are done. AS i said. don't get involved, dont take sides, don't put her down because this is a girl he loves. Just tell him the basics of what you see and than that is it. Tell him that is all you have to say and he must figure out what to do and you will be there for him no matter what.
2 people like this
@ljcapps (1925)
• United States
7 Feb 07
Our problem is, is that she didn't say this stuff to HIM. She said it to his mother in law, and told him something else. That she used to be in love with him, but she still loves him, just not "In" love with him and maybe if she had time to work it out with herself she could fall "in" love with him again. That's the story she's spouting to him. while behind his back.....that's part of the dilemma. We think she's just trying to avoid a confrontation. One that won't go in HER favor.
@Bee1955 (3882)
• United States
7 Feb 07
Listen to the voice of experience. STAY OUT OF IT. Let them work it out on their own. The letter belongs to his mother and destroy it. It wasnt meant for your eyes and only hers. What if she isnt cheating? Putting that into your brother-in-law's head and its not true would cause a rift between you all that wont go away. From the gist of her letter it's a cry for help because she's going thru a self-awareness doubting period in her life. We all go thru the "what ifs" in marriages. Just stay out of it until he or she asks you, even then be diplomatical.
2 people like this
@xfallenxlostx (2074)
• United States
7 Feb 07
It is going to be insanely difficult, but you need to be honest wtih Russ. Megan may or may not be cheating, but honestly, i am biased in sayingi bet she is. my beloved was married to a girl named Megan and she cheated on him.
All you can do is be honest with him, help him through it by being there for him...listen to him. Let him cry it out. Hug him. It is amazing what hugs can do.
2 people like this
@Rittings (673)
•
7 Feb 07
Yes. Pass the letter on. It sounds like he's gonna have a harder time if he doesn't know all the truths. He is eventually going to need closure on this matter, because it sounds to me like Megan is cheating on him. She sounds suspicious of him, which more often than not means she has been up to no good herself.
Personally, he sounds like a good guy, and deserves better than this Megan lass. Let her go out and drink her life away I say. And you as a whole family can start the healing process. I feel really sorry for the child that they have, because it's so unfair that the little one has to get wrapped up in it all.
You have my sympathies. Love and light to you all.
2 people like this
@sunshinelady (7609)
• United States
7 Feb 07
You want to be honest with him. As far as I am concerned honesty is the best policy. The letter should be shown to him because he needs to know that she has done this. She should never have sent the letter to Cassie. The problem should be worked out between them two. At least he wants to give the marriage a chance. Since she is so fast to throw the towel in without even trying to work the problem out I would think she is having a affair. That doesn't mean she is, just that it is awful funny that she isn't even willing to give it a try. I think that if she tried and it didn't help to straighten things out then the only thing he is left to do is divorce. You can't hold on to someone if they want out.
2 people like this
@ljcapps (1925)
• United States
7 Feb 07
That's exactly how we're thinking. We know it's going to break his heart. He's a good man, but let me give you some history. The girl before megan's name was deanna. They were together for 7 years, finally got married, and she walked into the house one day, told him, i hate you, and left. and that was it. Then there's megan, and she's doing all of this double crossing stuff...we are so angry. All we want to do is give him the letter and then make sure there's someplace soft for him to land when he falls.
@Macthedj (630)
•
7 Feb 07
This is quite sad and it is a bad predicament to be in. Being honest can sometimes drive a wedge between people who are only trying to help. But in the long run by being honest and being there for Russ he will come through it a stronger person and perhaps see people for who they really are sometimes. It is times like this that people need the closest to be honest with them nomatter how much the truth hurts. Hope this helps my friend.
@ljcapps (1925)
• United States
7 Feb 07
Thank you. Honestly all of these responses have really helped. I didn't want to do something before i made sure, we made sure, that it wasn't just us being angry over the situation. That it is actually the right thing to do. I deeply appreciate all the responses, and your taking the time to help.
@tinamarie11 (34)
• United States
7 Feb 07
Wow - She goes to his mother with honesty before him? Yikes. Something is wrong there...I would definitely give him the letter so he has physical proof. It will be hard, but he can get through it. Did they get married because she was pregnant?
2 people like this
@ljcapps (1925)
• United States
7 Feb 07
No. Bradley came later. He wanted to wait, but she wanted a child. I think it was the same thing with the marriage and the house, she thought it would look good, and something she thought she should do, but didn't bother to think of the lifelong responsibility to any of them.
@mansha (6298)
• India
7 Feb 07
I think your brother in law deserves to know the truth but from Megan herself. Its better you all confront Magan show her the letter and reprimand her for being a coward and running out on him like this. If she refuses then may be you should show the letter to your brother in law. e is a grown up man may be he can bear the news. But first Megan should come out and speak the truth to him. Or you can help them seprate for a while and wait which course life takes them on. Withthe kid involved its really going to be a mesy affaire. But some truths have to be told and told as nicely and swiftly as possible. May be calling a family mmeeting will be helpful to disclose the letter. As she has already got family involved in their personal matter.
@ljcapps (1925)
• United States
7 Feb 07
Part of the problem for us, is that they're about 980 miles away. So it's not a matter of just sitting everyone down and talking about it. I don't know why she'd send it to his mother. I think secretly she's being cowardly and hoping that Russ gets to see it, so she can base part of the blame on someone other than herself.
@chocobaby (677)
• Philippines
7 Feb 07
i believe that the letter should be pass on to Russ. he deserves to know the truth. it wouldn't be fair for him if he's the only one who believes it can still be worked out and still hoping. none of you has the right to continuesly cover the truth from him. besides, it's his own marriage life, let him decide. it may be too hurting for Russ now but he would eventually get over it and move on. the girl seemes to be really losen up and determined to separate. Russ deserves to be happy alone or with someone else in the future.
2 people like this
@ljcapps (1925)
• United States
7 Feb 07
I agree. This all just hit the fan today, and megan sent the letter to my mother in law today. We haven't gotten the chance to talk to him really because he's gone straight from work to the classes he takes at night so he can get a promotion. But she (my wife) really wants to send him the letter. She's just worried for him because he's been hurt so badly before. We will show it to him, i think. Thanks for the advice!
1 person likes this
@ktroth (378)
• United States
7 Feb 07
Wow. Sounds like she really wasn't ready to be married at such a young age. Some are, I don't think she was one of them. Too bad they brought a child into this. She is really not doing him any favors by leading him to believe that there's a chance to work it out. Mom needs to share that letter with him. She should prefice it by telling him she doesn't want to hurt him but thinks he deserves to know how his wife really feels.
Tough situation. I hope it all works out.
2 people like this
@ljcapps (1925)
• United States
7 Feb 07
Thank you for your thoughts. Mom doesn't want to alienate her, and, given this is kinda sneaky, but she's hoping that Megan will talk to her so we can help Russ maybe stay a step ahead. But my wife, who has the subtlety of a freight train, wants to give him the letter. Yes he'll be hurt, but at least he won't be strung along.
@jhrcsr (348)
• United States
7 Feb 07
I think you should tell Russ the truth of what you know. But please bear in mind, he may not believe you and you will then have to produce the letter for him. A seperation MAY change her mind, but it does not sound like it. Megan is very young in the scheme of things, though this is not an excuse, maybe just a reason for her not knowing what she truly wants as of yet.
If they seperate, will she take the child? That may be the next question. Can Russ bear it if she does? Would he want to fight for custody, even during a seperation there is a custody arrangement.
There will be some hard things for Russ to decide and he will need all the support he can get. It sounds like he has a family that cares greatly about him, which is a blessing. Good luck!!
2 people like this
@ljcapps (1925)
• United States
7 Feb 07
Thank you! We do care about him and he's a good man. It's tearing my wife up. She wants to stay out, but she feels he deserves to read this. He deserves to know how megan is really thinking. I don't know what they will do with custody. His job pays the housepayment and almost all of the bills. She works at Mcdonalds, and makes enough for her carpayment and two weeks of daycare. I have no idea how she thinks she'll support that baby, because she's not willing to look for another job.
@linoleum (200)
• Indonesia
7 Feb 07
whoa... obvious. Megan has an affair. In my opinion you should pass the letter to Russ. He needs to understand the situation. If he could accept it and still wants to trying to make it better, then, fine.
At least, you should tell him. He needs to know the truth. His wife cheating on him. He needs someone who tell no lies.
2 people like this
@ljcapps (1925)
• United States
7 Feb 07
We dont' have proof she's cheating on him. It's just a feeling, but one of those..duh, feelings. She's 22 and up until they last several months they'd been sexually active with each other, and then all of a sudden she doesn't feel like it because she's stressed? She purposelly picks shifts where she works that means she'll be at work when he's at home, and she's home when he's at work. And going out every weekend? I think he's way to trusting.
@Carissimo (262)
• United States
7 Feb 07
Okay sounds like Megan wants what her single friends have. I think that the right thing to do in this situation is to tell Russ. He deserves to have all the proof in front of him, presented to him by those who love him. He can then take that information and make a decision on what he wants to do. I just dont understand why Megan involved the mother in law....she married Russ not his mother. The bottom line is that Russ needs to know everything. If he cant trust Megan to tell him....someone needs to. I dont know whether she is cheating on him or just acting like a child. She did marry young, she has single friends....she probably looks at their lives and wishes hers were more like theirs. Either way, she is not acting like a responsible parent or wife by going out every weekend. I am sorry for your brother in law....I wish him the best. The only thing you can do is be there for him in any way that he will allow you to. Be honest and up front...let him decide what happens. Keep us posted on what transpires.
@ljcapps (1925)
• United States
7 Feb 07
We'll be happy to keep you posted. And that's great advice, and right along the lines of what we're thinking. We're thinking her friends aren't a good influence on her, and she feels that she should be able to go out and party when she wants, and to be mommy when she wants. But it doesn't work that way when you have kids, or a spouse.
