Defining ourselves by our relationships

I don't see a lot of that myself, but what I do see is people defining themselves as mothers and nothing else. I never see men going by user names like "Brad's dad" or "fathertobarbie" or "gothdad", but I see women do it all the time. I find it kind of creepy. Didn't they exist before they had kids?

I can't stand that. I've never understood the need to define ourselves by another person. Because it goes beyond that - it gets into defining worth by another person. Relationships become a marker of personal value and it makes me scream. We are not our relationships. But we - and therefor other people - judge us based on that. There's this idea of what a fulfilling life is. But it's different for everyone. People are deluded into thinking that they *need* a significant other. That their life is empty without it. And it's a myth, a media-perpetrated myth that shouldn't stand in this day and age. People spend too much time trying to define themselves by bits and pieces and ignore the whole. The whole is all that matters. The whole is what we are.

that makes sense! i never really thought of it like that. i will pay more attention to how i introduce myself next time.

I suppose that you might identify yourself as "N"'s girlfriend if you where speaking to someone who knew "N" but not you. But it should be: "I'm Y, N's girlfriend" I can't think of any reason why anyone should just identify them as a sort of appendage to someone else.

I occasionally introduce myself as "___'s girlfriend" when I'm introducing myself to someone who knows my boyfriend. But in this relationship, I think I definitely keep my own identity. True, my boyfriend has become a part of who I am, because he is so important to me. But he doesn't define me, and my role as his girlfriend doesn't overshadow my other roles. My last relationship, though, was not like this. My ex had a personality that was much more forceful than mine, and so he kind of overshadowed me. My personality gradually shrank until I was just "Kyle's girlfriend," and nobody really knew me for who I was, and I didn't really even know myself anymore. I actually started to feel like I was worthless without him, which is why it took me so long to leave him. So yeah, it is entirely possible to get so absorbed in/by a person that you lose your own identity.

I've had this same discussion with friends before. To be honest, I think most women would introduce themselves as "N's girlfriend" because of European history, and culture. When a women is inntroduced, historically, they're "Misses (their first name) (his first and last name)" Like.. "Misses Jessica Ralph Peterson" Or whatever. It started because of how women have been addressed in history. Not quite as property, but not quite on the same scale as men have been. We've come a long way since then, but old habits die hard. I think the intellects and womens rights activists notice these small things we still do that could belittle us, but I think the importance isn't in WHAT we say, but what we mean. Some women ARE totally dependent on their boyfriend. If they're single, they feel void of a self. They are unstable, and aren't sure who they are. These people, in my opinion, are too weak to sustain a healthy relationship. They'll end up jumping from guy to guy, and most likely tred through very dangerous and abusive relationships because they lack the self-awareness to stand up for themselves. It's rather depressing. I think women are catching on, though. And finding themselves, without the help of a man. But on the flip side of that, I actually see males doing the same thing. Identifying based on what women they're with. They seem empty unless they get love from a women. But, women certainly are more common to lose their self identity. And I think I said women about fifty times :P lol

I certainly do not define myself by my relationship. If I introduce myself to someone else it is always by my name. My boyfriend will introduce me by my name and it is obvious we are together so it doesn't need to be said. I also don't care if anyone knows or not that we are together. I am the same whether I am with someone or single.

I introduce myself it depends on who's I'm facing at that moment. When it comes to my friends' friends, I introduce myself as myself but when it comes to my hubb's acquiantances, it should be his wife. Maybe,we associate ourselves to people related to us in introductiion so they can asily recognize us not to loose our own identity.

I lost my identity when I had children. Now I am so and so's mom. It's kinda of funny because I will be shopping and a small child will come to me and say hi _____ mommy how are you. I makes me smile because of big part of me is just that their mom.

Identity is an essential thing in the survival saga of humans.What's wrong if you're introduced to some one as someone's wife or sis or GIFRI ?From a birth announcement to to an obituary, identity is essential.Its the thing that connects you to the reality.Thanks.

Yah...! I think your right...you must not define from the others. If what who realy are that's you are you need to trust youself. If what you are you boyfriends must accept you who really you are. Co'z of us people want that our partner must accept us and love us who we realy are...

I absolutely agree with your opinion. We should never lose our own identity because we are "with somebody". But if we get additional status beside our own identity it means it is our responsibility to keep the good impressive / honour of our status. Mean....We are someone's wife, means it is our responsibility to keep a good name of our husband. If we become someone's mother it means we must be responsibility to our child. But we also don't like if other people see us just because we are someone's wife right ? or just because we are someone's daughter right ? People must see us as we are.

It's very true and quite possible. I lost three precious years of my life this way. Luckily I can put it down to experience and move on and forward and it becomes a measure by which I judge future relationships.

Assert your own identity. Instead of starting the root of your identity from someone else, why not just reverse the tide. Don't say "I am N's friend" but say "N is my friend". Most of you would think how is that going to make a big difference? It might not but it does reflect how you approach and view your won identity. Whether you depend on someone else for your identity or someone else depends upon you for his/her identity. The choice is yours.

I know what you mean, I've seen that way too much too,I only define myself by my partner, the way she makes me grow as a person, which she does everyday, I don't need epithets or titles.I don't really understand those who do.

It took me a long time to get married because I had known too many women that got married and then disappeared into the relationship. When I did get married, I kept my last name, and while my husband's coworkers that don't really know me refer to me as "Mrs. (his first name), otherwise I don't think I'm like this. I don't want to ever define myself only by what I am to other people. I don't want to be someone's wife and someone's mother and someone's daughter and someone's friend... blah blah blah. I am who I am. I also happen to be all those other things, but they won't ever be ALL that I am.

This is true. For most of us anyway. What I've been doing so far, which I believe has worked my way as to not having myself defined as someone's partner is: introduce myself and then if my partner is beside me mention that 'yeah, we're seeing each other' if my partner's not beside me, I'll only mention it when it becomes a topic. This way, they learn about me and afterwards mold into the picture that I'm with somebody.