How do we know if it is abuse?

It's always a tough situation when you have to make a decision about phoning in an abuse report, especially for your own children (or step-children). As a child protection professional, I can tell you it sounds like neglect in this case. What will CPS look for if they are notified... they will look at the level of cleanliness in the home, they will look for the readily availability of food in the home, and they will look at appropriate supervision. You said one child is 13-years-old. Is she the youngest or the oldest? You also said she is talking via the internet to boys who are 16-years-old. Are you sure they are only 16-years-old? Could these boys possibly be internet predators? Without someone to monitor the situation, there is no way of knowing. Additionally, CPS will look at the level of risk of injury or harm to the children. Is the risk high? If intervention doesn't occur, would the children end up harmed or injured? There are a lot of things at play here. The call to any abuse hotline is confidential. Sure the mom may figure it out, but you and your husband can deny, deny, deny. You could have a good friend call it in so that you could honestly say you didn't make the call. Either way, most states have laws that state if a person is aware of or suspects abuse and does nothing about it, they are guilty of a 3rd degree felony. Sometimes it is better to err on the side of caution and make the call. The least that could happen would maybe putting some services in her home to help her with her parenting skills. Good luck!

gosh you must be worried..you are a lovely caring mu and your standards of childcare are much more lovelier than the other mother's..unfortunately the law doesn't protect children as much as it should otherwise that mother would buckle up to her responsibilities..i am a part time mum..as my son wanted to stay with dad re his schooling..but i know there he is looked after well and my parents also have him and my mind is at rest..when he is with me he is kept impeccably and even though he is 12 i still clip his fingernails lol and chase him twice a day to wash his teeth lol..i do understand where you are coming from..isn't there anyway to communicate with the mother? in a really gentle way? maybe she lacks so much confidence herself so can't open up and aknowledge she has a problem?

You have two or three questions here, really. #1. Is this abuse, no, it is neglect.#2. Is there anything legal to be done about it? I believe you have said that they are 11 and 13, in which case probably not. You would spend the money to go to court and the judge would say that they are old enough at this age that it is not of great harm to them. Or any proven danger. Harm has to occur first. #3. What is to be done? You just have to be honest, and tell them, this is what the rules are in this house, and you will need to follow them. Hopefully you will be teaching them by your behaviour and care what a real family looks like. Good luck. God bless.

Unfortunately I also have first hand knowledge of this kind of situation. My ex was like this mom. My children were never supervised when they were with him. Unfortunately they would only consider this neglect if something happened to the girls while in her care. Other wise they will say that it is not abuse. The best thing I could suggest is to have your husband document everything and then file for modification of child custody. He will need to write down everything including the times and dates that they are unsupervised and prove that her behavior is unfit for a mother which is going to be hard to prove. Mostly I think you are just going to have to ride it out or continue fighting with her.

hello Minerc,we all know that you are a better stepMom than she is a mother..I have seen how you care for your step children and i think that is wonderful...I would not call what the Mom is doing as abuse but its more like neglect...She just seems to let them do as they please.I certainly do not feel a 13 year old needs to be talking to 16 year old boys all times of the night..It seems like the mother just does not care what they do..If those girls end up getting in trouble you will be the one that suffers,not the mother because she don.t seem to care...Neglect is awful,it gives the child the idea that you just don,t care..These girls probably do like it now because they can just go wild if they wanted to under her care cause she is to busy sleeping...The mother is not doing right ,but i don,t know what you can do about it...They lead a lot better life when they are in your home thats for sure...I bet it makes it hard for you when they come to your house after being with her isn;t it? All you can do is just let them know that at your home ,we care what you are doing and we are looking out for you,Im sure they will appreciate this the older they get....and No you are not wrong,you are right!

i think they kids ar having a blast but you're just worrying. i understand totally and it s really normal. maybe you could teach your children how to show the other mum tht they have priorities and rules tht they follow.dont make it sound like u told them to act tht way just try and make them really understand what their values are.you might need to be a little more flexible on them as well so tht they enjoy being at hom more and wont feel the need to stay up late and be out of control when they go over there.

I would have to say that it sounds to me like these children are raising themselves when at their Mom's. If you have tried to talk to her and she is just not even listening I would have to say that you should call child services? It is always better to err on the side of caution. I hope it all works out for you in the end.

this not fair according to me. i do not know to answer this question.

It is neglect not abuse, however the girls are too young to be left to totally fend for themselves. One is 11 and so she is still not supposed to be left unattended but the other is over 12 so because she is there the courts would probably say the 11 year old is not alone. At age 12 kids do not have to be supervised. But the mom is taking advantage of them and showing no concern for their safety or well being. I would talk to a school counselor or other professional and voice your concerns but it may or may not be looked into.

Well I don't think this is abuse... It could be considered neglect. Then again the kids are old enough to be taking care of themselves--- I have seen it with alot of my daughter's friends-- I don't let her spend the night at their houses.. for fear of what they do when the mom is sleeping-- or on the computer, or chatting with her friends- oblivious to her kids. I think it's a sad sad thing- Some people just don't have the same parenting skills.. You sound like a super Step-mom.. However do the kids enjoy you being so "in their face" sorry-- but compared to their own mom.. I think it's GREAT!! don't get me wrong-- I just wondered if the kids like it or are like hey my mom doesn't ask this many questions? I would keep it up-- spend great quality time with the kids--- they need it now as much as when they are young... Show them how families should really be.. Keep it up and hopefully their own mom's bad parenting wont rub off on them-- and they will be forever grateful to your and their dad for being such caring- wonderful parents!

That is to me another thing of neglect,like letting a child quick school.if the mother can not get them to make the grade why not send them to the father .I think it would be worth a try but those thinkit is alright for the child to stay in the same house an just quick school.like your two girls if the mother does not pay attention to them they may qiuck school too and your husband will not be able to do anything. all is good for everyone as long as the child support comes in..when the mother is to busy sleeping,working or something else to know what the child is doing then i do not think they should be allowed to keep the kids any longer.The judges stand by the mothers over the fathers.It is like they somehow replace the fathers as caretaker minus the money.if the girls will tell the judge they want to live with you things would change but i will have to wish you good luck on that one. teenagers like the space.everyhow and then they like attention from a adult, good luck we are fighting a losing battle too.I wish someone would change the laws to make a difference.you have to ask why does the system not work for these kids of divorce (some of them)..

It's really called neglect. She is neglecting to clean, cook, or anything for them. This is not someone who needs teenagers. The teens can take advantage of their mom not knowing what they are really doing and do something that might hurt themselves. Good luck, and wish you the best.

I think it is child abuse, you don't have children and then neglect them. You have to spend time with your children and you should want to. I feel very sorry for these girls to have a mother that is neglecting them. I understand that they are getting fed, clothed etc. But there is more to it than just doing that. By the sounds of it the food they are eating could end up giving them health problems later on, its ok to eat that every now and then but not every night. The mother is going to wake up to herself one day and realise that she has missed her chances of seeing and enjoying the girls growing up. The girls are lucky that they do have you and your husband and get the attention they deserve. I don't understand how some parents have kids and then don't want anything to do with them. It is very sad.

I'm not sure that what the mom does would classify as abuse but it does sound like neglect. Either way, I'd contact family services or your lawyer and try to get a different custody arrangement set up where she won't have them quite so much if she isn't going to actually watch them while they are there.

This scenario sounds more like neglect then abuse. Abuse is when the kids have been physically beaten. After all, she does manage to give her kids dinner even if its frozen dinners that are cooked. I don't agree that she should go to sleep while her kids are talking on the phone to who knows who. There is really nothing wrong with being on the internet unless the child is up to no good.

Look kids do not come with instructions. You do the best you can and hope for the best. I can not judge her because I have had fast food many nights for dinner. Some times I work late and am too tired to cook. I am not all that big on house cleaning either so I guess I don't really inforce that either. Now I do enforce the bath and brushing of teeth. I have gone to be before my daughter on more than one occation. Not every woman is suzzie homemaker. My cousin is a compulsive cleaner. She can't stand one spec of dust. You can eat off her floors and that is fine for her but too uptight for me. If you think you are right and she is wrong hire a lawyer and file for full custody but remember she is their biological mother and there could be rebelion on the part of the kids. They may like you and all but you are still the step parent.

You are not wrong and need to get the proper people involved to handle it.....from what you have written,the mother is NOT abusive,she is NEGLECTFUL which can do the same damage to a child that being beat around can.....this needs to be dealt with NOW!

This certainly isn't abuse, its just a different view. It looks like their mother thinks she shouldn't put her life on hold just because she has kids, and people are entitled to do this. I don't think there is much you can achieve by talking to her. The thing to do is to talk to the children. Explain to them why you monitor the TV and dono't them chat on the phone etc. This way if they realise why it might be a problem they might change their behaviour themselves when they are with their Mum.

To be honest I do think that you're wrong. So maybe your step children's mom feeds them junk food and allows them to chat on the phone or go on the net to much. Maybe that isn't the best thing for them and maybe she isn't the world's best mother but it certainly isn't abuse. And anyway the kids seem to be old enough to be able to articulate their needs, believe it or not a lot of teenagers are really health conscious (or maybe weight conscious) and will demand 'healthy food'. On the other hand if the mother has genuine problems it won't help matters to have you watching over her shoulder and being so righteous, maybe she would be more open to some input from you if you were a little understanding. I know that's a little harsh, but I think that a lot of harm can be done by insinuating abuse.

unfortantly you cant get them for abuse i have tryed with my ex for doing the same things the courts say as long as she is home and they are being fed something its not abuse the most you can do is call children youth tell them whats going on and they can talk to her and try to get her to be a better mom