I need some saner minds on this issue to give some advice
By judyt00
@judyt00 (3497)
Canada
February 17, 2007 9:06pm CST
Last night, i was babysittingfor my daughter until supposedly her live in boyfriend came home. When he got home he had apparently been drinking andhe said he'd had 2 beers. fair enough, he works hard and deserves it, however, he got extremely mad when he asked where the money my daughter had left him was, When I told him she hadn't got home between her two shifts to leave him any, he threw the phone across the floor, and started yelling nad screaming, scaring the crap out of the kids. Then he ordered me out of the house. I refused to leave him alone with the children and he then proceeded to tear the house apart, punching holes in walls, ripping doors off the hinges and kicking thedog half a dozen times, all the while yelling and screaming how I was tryingto turn him against his daughter and stepson. Finally I told him that if he didn't stop, I would have to call the police, whereby, he called my bliuff andcalled them himself, demanding that they remove me. Needless to say, they took him away.
SO. Now here is the question. Am I right in demanding that my daughter choose between her children and him? i am truly fearful that he is going to do serious harm to my grandson, since he doesn't like thechild, or pick the baby up when she cries and shake her Am I right if I tell her that I am going to call child services if she doesn't have him removed from the house, or come and move in with me and my son in our house?
17 people like this
50 responses
@artistmel2000 (438)
• United States
18 Feb 07
This is a tough decision. I work as a child protection social worker and I have to tell you that I'd have major concerns leaving the children in the home with that man. Have you confronted your daughter about this yet? I think if you sit your daughter down and explain the danger of the situation, and give her some options, it will be better than issuing an ultimatum. You may also want to contact your local Domestic Violence hotline and consult them. Is there any chance there is domestic violence in the home? Has he touched either of the children inappropriately or in an abusive manner? If he has, you have no choice but to call your state's abuse hotline. If you are willing to open up your home to the children and your daughter, then I applaud you. If your daughter refuses to leave him or throw him out, then you may end up taking the children into your home after child protective services removes them from the home. Hang in there, and good luck!
@judyt00 (3497)
• Canada
18 Feb 07
Thatk you, thank you! I really hope it doesn't cometo childservices getting involved. and he has never sexually abused the children, my grandson would tell me. He looks on me as a second mother, since I was there in the house with him for his first three years, and he knows what wrong touching is, he may only be 5, but he is so smart!
4 people like this
@judyt00 (3497)
• Canada
19 Feb 07
Yes, I'm originally from the Ottawa valley, and I know family services here is the same as CAS there. However, I don't think they'd actually take the kids out of the house without giving them to either me or my daughter, since she was a foster parent in Ottawa, and we were all investigated by CAS because of it.
1 person likes this
@Michele21 (3093)
• United States
18 Feb 07
Yes you are right, those kids deserve someone that will stand up for them and make sure they are safe!! Don't feel bad about it, your daughter probably needs the positive encouragement to know it is okay to leave him!! Protect those babies!!!
5 people like this
@Jshean20 (14348)
• Canada
18 Feb 07
Of course you're right to do this! You'll be doing your daughter and the children a huge favor (whether or not she realizes it now) by getting this man away from the children. Sounds like this guy really snaps and beats on anything in site, you should be trying to get your daughter away from him too. Sometimes people live in such denial about things that it's hard to convince them of what's best, but don't stop trying. If your daughter makes the crazy decision of staying with this man, I would take it to court and tell them exactly what's happened. Grandparents have rights too and if your grandkids are in an unstable and dangerous environment you have every right to protect them, even if it results in your daughter being mad at you.
3 people like this
@pinklilly (3443)
• Australia
18 Feb 07
oh dear ... He doesn't sound like a fit father that's for sure I camn see why you are worried... Don't black mail your daughter but you do have a right to call children's services and it is nice that you would offer her a place to stay with you where it is safe... But that could only anger him.. Your daughter needs to make the decision to leave him the children's safety should come first.
He needs help, a anger management course.
4 people like this
@lehaoz (43)
• United States
18 Feb 07
Before I go into the rest, protect the children at all costs. This situation is not their fault and every approach should begin with their best interests in mind. That said, it is not your place to force your daughter's decision. Her part in this is hers to decide, forcing her hand may lead her to resent you even if you had her best interests in mind. This is a decision she needs to reach on her own.
@heatherb82670 (7)
• United States
18 Feb 07
First off if he was acting that way you should have called the police yourself and asked them to call the child service rep on call. Don't wait for your daughter to give you the ok. Punching holes in the wall and hitting the dog is a sign is a sign that soon your grandson is going to be a target is he hasn't been one already. You need to do some tough love and if your daughter doesn't like know she will thank you later. Chances are she is being abused herself is too ashamed to tell you. Those feelings go along with being abused. He may have threatened her if she tells. No one knows what REALLY goes on in that house when you are not there. Shaking the baby is MEDICALLY danagerous. Children DIE from shaken baby syndrome. DON'T WAIT!!!! ACT KNOW!! CALL THE POLICE!!! CALL CHILDREN SERVICES!!! THOSE CHILDREN AND YOUR DAUGHTER ARE IN DANGER!!! Don't tell your daughter JUST DO IT!!!! TELL your daughter she doesnt' have a choice!!! She'll get the picture when her boyfriend is removed from the property!
3 people like this
@cwgrlsarefun (1581)
• United States
19 Feb 07
I do not like hearing anything like this as I lived like this for years and my children suffered just as much as I did. Your daughters boyfriend has shown you what he is capable of doing and it could get worse, it usually does through time. I think that you should tell your daughter that she needs to leave and if she does not want to then you will have to do what you have to do. I would surely call child services also if she did not leave him. Be sure to tell her that this time it was just the walls and doors but next time it could be one of the babies or even her. It could be you also. The important thing now is to think of the babies and keep them safe. You are doing the right thing.
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
19 Feb 07
I wouldn't make it an "order", she will just rebel, and possibly disappear with this crap boyfriend.
Put it in a way that suggests it is a situation of her "choice", and the "consequences". The choice being hers, if she stays with this boyfriend, that the consequence will be that you will report her and the boyfriend to Child Welfare. Most likely you would get custody of the grandson.
If she chooses to move in with you, she will have all the support she needs from you. A loving family for her and your grandson.
I agree that your Grandson can not be brought in these circumstances.
2 people like this
@ScrappinHappyMom (914)
• United States
19 Feb 07
You are doing the right thing the wrong way. You can't put more threats on your daughter I am sure she is already dealing with a million from him. I would bet money that he is violent with her or is just one step away. I would just make sure she understands that she and the children can always come to you for help.
Don't pressure her or you might lose your ability to see your grandchildren. But by golly the first time the kids have a weird bruise or say step-dad did so and so you call the cops again.
You can also still file with Social Services you are kept annoy. your daughter doesn't have to know it was you it could have been the neighbor for all she knows.
2 people like this
@onabreak2 (1161)
• United States
19 Feb 07
I disagree. She should not wait another minute. This guy is a loose cannon.
Your daughter needs to get out of there now. Not when they take her or her kids body out in a bag.
2 people like this
@earthsong (589)
• United States
19 Feb 07
You are absolutely right. If he goes crazy like that in front of you can you imagine what he does when no one is there to witness? I have a hard time believing that he hasn't behaved this way before, and I can't imagine your daughter wanting that around her kids.
2 people like this
@cruisingalong (83)
• United States
19 Feb 07
You are 100% right in your decision to call CYS if your daughter and your grandchildren do not move in with you and your son because maybe one day when you call over there maybe no one will answer the phone and Regret will hover over you the rest of your life.
You are a mother and one that cares, follow your God-Given intuition. You saw him kick the dog and that probably killed you inside and you probably felt helpless as could be and scared. I am sure your grandchildren were scared too. The last thing that they wanted was for you to leave them. Thank god you stayed. Anger can control a person and sometimes they do things they don't even know. It doen't sound like he had his facilities in order that night, maybe later he will calm down. I hope everything goes well for you and your family. Take care & be strong!
2 people like this
@ceclifford21 (74)
• United States
19 Feb 07
Oh my gosh. I believe that your daughter should take her kids and get out. There is no need for the children or your daughter to be with such a dangerous man. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.
@lovesfreedom (1245)
• United States
19 Feb 07
Absolutely! Your daughter's first priority is to those children. This temper tantrum, if that is a good phrase here, only makes me believe he has violent tendencies and is a spoiled, dangerous man. She needs him out of her children's lives immediately. He obviously has no respect for her, her family or thier home.
2 people like this
@wahmoftwo (1296)
• United States
19 Feb 07
I definitly think you are right. No way would I want my grandbaby exposed to that. God bless you for looking out for those kids.
2 people like this
@lingli_78 (12822)
• Australia
19 Feb 07
in a sense, you are doing the right thing and i know what you are trying to do... you just want to protect your helpless grandchildren so that they will not be harmed by their senseless father... but again, i think since they are your daughter's children, the one who should make a decision and take action is your daughter and not you... because she already has her own life with her family which parents should interfere at the minimum... you are right to give her advice and let her think about it... if she still choose to stay with him, then it is her decision... you can't force her to move in with you or call the children services for her... that's my opinion...
2 people like this
@rusty2rusty (6763)
• Defiance, Ohio
19 Feb 07
I think you absolutely right to call the cops when you did. I also think you handled the situation very well. I would defiantly keep the kids best interest as heart as you have been doing.
2 people like this
@shortgrl23 (172)
• Canada
18 Feb 07
unfortunately you are not right. Leaving needs to be her decision, you are her mother and you only want what is best for her but she is a grown woman, you can not tell her what to do any more. You can call child services if you are worried, but you can not make her choose between them. I think that trying to force her to do this could back fire and make things worse. You need to sit down with her and talk, let her kow your fears, and let her know that she has a place to go if she wants it. This has to be her decision.
2 people like this
@gramskaren (661)
• United States
19 Feb 07
I would feel the same way you do. Sometimes in life you have to tell your kids things you don't want too. But when it involves your flesh and blood and they don't seem to be thinking straight then you have to step in and do what you think is right. My daugter has a 2 year and she lives with her boyfriend that is not the father and I know I would do the same thing you are doing if it happened to me. When someone has a temper like that then they don't need to be around a child.
2 people like this
