My husband doesn't back me up when disciplining our daughter
By Bongoheads
@Bongoheads (283)
February 21, 2007 7:39am CST
I find it HUGELY irritating, I mean in situations like the one that happened today. Our daughter is on half-term and husband is on a weeks holiday so we're all here at home. I work from home (from a laptop in the living room) and daughter had kids satellite TV on a loop - it was driving me crazy. I watched her for a few minutes, she had her back to the TV and was drawing so I flipped the TV over to the lunchtime news - she started whinging and moaning - so I pointed out she hadn't been watching it, Mummy wanted to watch the news and she should share. She carried on whinging but I told her I was watching the news and was going to ignore further whingings. Hubby came into the room and immediately sided with our daughter against me - he does this regularly and I've pointed out to him that I don't appreciate it - still he does it. He then took her out to the local shops and she came back with a new toy! That's another thing he does - buy her something every time he goes to the shops - I've pulled him up about - he just thinks I'm being a misery. So the end result is I'm the demon that does the chastising - he's the great Dad that indulges her constantly and buys her presents all the time. She's nearly 6 by the way and on the whole pretty good but I'm worried he's going to turn her into a spoilt brat. What's the consensus of opinion about this?
3 people like this
7 responses
@complexvanilla (653)
• India
21 Feb 07
My sister used to have the same problem too with her husband, but she had a series of conversations with her hubby and made things amply clear that she doesn't interfere when he is disciplining their son and that she expects the same from him to. He saw the point too, though after some time. The biggest problem is such a situation is that the child recognizes that it can manipulate situations in such a way that it always gets what it wants, and this is to be avoided at all costs. Only a heart to heart or a series of them can get you the desired results. All the very best!
2 people like this
@Bongoheads (283)
•
24 Feb 07
Thanks for that - it sounds to me as though your sisters husband is a lot more receptive to criticism than my husband who's very touchy on the subject! I guess I'll just have to keep on and on chipping away.
1 person likes this
@lyricsmama (48)
• United States
21 Feb 07
You really need to sit down and talk to him about getting behind eachother. In the long run, him doing his thing and you doing your thing is just going to hurt your daughter. She's going to make you eventually go over one another because she knows mommy will say/do 1 thing and daddy will say/do another, and she'll use it to her advantage. My daughter is 3 and is already starting/trying to do this. Lucky for us we're both on the same wave length when it comes to disciplining her, so she gets the same response from the both of us.
2 people like this
@Bongoheads (283)
•
21 Feb 07
I have told him - several times and unequivocably that he doesn't support me. I've also told him on more than one occasion that buying her toys or magazines every time we go to the shops isn't a good idea either. Unfortunately for me he's a taurean and, true to form, very stubborn. He was also the youngest of 5 children and I think over-indulged which is where this behaviour stems from. My parents were loving and kind but it was made very clear to us that our parents were in charge - no toys downstairs, Dad was in charge of the TV and toys and treats on birthdays or at Christmas. I'm afraid here there are toys strewn around the living room, our daughter is beginning to dictate the television and she gets toys on demand! Oh dear ....
1 person likes this
@tammyr (5946)
• Etowah, Tennessee
24 Feb 07
You are correct, it will lead to her being spoiled. Most children do prefer to have boundaries. I am glad I am a single mother and do not have to deal with this. I did live with my BF for a while and we had problems, but I moved out because of it. I think you should talk to your husband as you really should present a united front. I do not think these things should be done in front of the kids as it lets them see that they can use the two of you against each other.
1 person likes this
@Bongoheads (283)
•
24 Feb 07
My husband is one of these people who has an opinion on everything - on things which I think are my domain. For example, with regards to our daughter he was adamantly against nearly all of the names I suggested, he had a very strong opinion about how we should decorate her room and he's very vocal about how we dress her. Since he often goes out and buys stuff for her when I'm working I don't have any say at all sometimes. Fortunately he has good taste but it can really bug me and I want to tell him to back off! (I do sometimes but other times I let it go over my head because it's not worth causing an argument). So you get the general picture - he's got a slightly domineering personality which I need to keep a close eye on otherwise my wishes get trampled over.
@ronita34 (3922)
• Canada
24 Feb 07
I have to agree with you that he will most likely turn her into a spoiled brat if this continues on a normal basis for many years to come. I also have to say that this is what Fathers like to do as it is there way of winning them over as they know that a Mothers Love alone is gift enough to your child. Try to talk to him about this again and see if you get a different outcome this time! Good luck and God Bless!!!
@soccermom (3198)
• United States
24 Feb 07
My hubby and I had the same eproblem with each other. We sat down and had a long discussion, at times quite heated, about how this makes the other feel. We agreed that in front of the kids we have a "united front", that way they don't get hte idea they can play one against the other. If we do disagree over one anothers decision we talk about it when the kids are not around.And if one of us starts to override the other whoever is handling it looks at the other and says , calmly, "I'm handling it." It works for us anyway.
1 person likes this
@Bongoheads (283)
•
24 Feb 07
It's finding the 'right' time to broach the subject - I must sound like a wimp, trust me I'm not, but my husband is a very stubborn person and, as I said before, doesn't take criticism at all well no matter how much it's wrapped up. I'd say these were his worst qualities - other than that he's a great dad and husband (just not quite perfect!).
@Mollyjo (266)
• United States
21 Feb 07
Don't give up on discipline!! You are on the right track you may feel like a demon but in reality you are showing her more love that your husband. How can that be you will ask! Simiple cause a parent that loves their kids will be there to teach and guide them. A parent that just tries to delay the punishment and guideness is only setting themselves up for a huge fall later on and they will ask what did I do so wrong. Why is my kid in trouble now? I wasn't such a bad parent? You will begin to find that he will be spending more time finding ways to cure a problem when you can nip it in the bud in a heart beat. After all she will begin if she whins she will get a great new prize so she will begin to do it more and more. My oldest was kind of like this and now she is 13 and still expects the best. It has been harder for us to break this habit now that she is older but, if you do it now while she is smaller you will be greatful in the long run!!
2 people like this
@Bongoheads (283)
•
21 Feb 07
I agree completely - I want to nip this in the bud now before something develops.
1 person likes this
@maddysmommy (16230)
• United States
24 Feb 07
I have the same problem too and i have tried to sit down and talk to him about it but he refuses to budge. He tells me i'm too over protective, i'm too bossy, i'm too much this and that and that i should give my son space and allow him grow, (hello my son is only 4) anyways, i've given up and deal with my son the way i want to and if my hubby doesn't like it then tuff bickies!!! he also spoils my son and gives him what he wants and yet when he is with me, he has to earn it or save up his pennies for it. My son gives me a hard time sometimes but most of the time he is actually very good. We do a lot of compromising so i don't know if thats good or not but it does work for us.
