Breaking Up, When Should I Leave??
By PoeTalker
@PoeTalker (715)
United States
February 21, 2007 1:58pm CST
I've posted a few things about my relationship and I have made up my mind that I need to leave my boyfriend. His uncle is dying in the hospital right now and he will pass on within the next two days. His family is used to my presence and I feel that it is inappropriate for me to leave until they begin the healing proccess. It's difficult because they are drug and alcohol abusers and the uncle is dying from drinking. I can't handle the abuse I see and the fact that no one does anything about it.
We have an apartment together that we can't afford and my boyfriend has borrowed money from his family to pay for it. When we met he pretty much had no future, and I helped get him on his feet and into college. After 3 years, hes fallen back into old habits and I pretty much gave him a month to fix things. He's done a great job, but I have finally realized that hes not the one for me.
Unfortunatly, he doesn't have a car and uses mine. The only way I could leave after the healing is if I gave him my car, which seems like my only option. Im not sure what to do... or wait until he can buy a really cheap one for himself.
When is the right time to leave? Now, our next big fight, after the death & funeral, or when he gets a car??
7 people like this
19 responses
@missinghim (1339)
• United States
21 Feb 07
honestly he's not your responsibility. he's a grown man, and i know that you as woman may feel the need to nurture and care for him (at least that's the way that it kind of sounds to me), but he's survived all that time before he met you and he'll continue to exist after you leave. the thing is, he's responsible for himself, and he can find a way to get his own transportation and a way back and forth to where he needs to go. so i dont' see why you should inconvenience yourself by giving him the car that you worked to get, or why you have to wait until he gets his own. if you feel that it's the best thing for you to leave, then leave and don't postpone your departure. leave, and take your car with you... he'll survive (and so will his family).
3 people like this
@missinghim (1339)
• United States
22 Feb 07
poetalker... why do you feel that it's your responsibility to give him a good life? everyone is responsible for their OWN destiny and quality of life. YOUR car is NOT the only thing that this "man" has. take your car and GO GO GO!!! and FAST!!!
@PoeTalker (715)
• United States
21 Feb 07
Yeah that all makes sense, but I guess im just a weak person. I realise he will survive and go on, but it won't be as good of a life as I could have given him. Could you take away the only thing someone has?
1 person likes this
@WiseHermit (66)
• United States
21 Feb 07
Are you planning on still keeping a friendship?He is going through a rough time because he would rather lay down then try to get back up.We all fall down.What builds character is what we do with our failures.Im sorry to here about the uncle but you have to do whats best for you.It would be nice of you to be there for him (as a friend) when his uncle goes but it isnt your responsibilty to let this guy use your car.You have your head on straight you dont need him being an anchor.Best of luck to you,your boyfriend,and my prayers are with his uncle.
@PoeTalker (715)
• United States
21 Feb 07
A friendship couldn't really function. We know eachother too well to know that we'd just end up hating eachother. It would ruin his life and his mother would never forgive me. It would be out of the question.
2 people like this
@Ridgydidge (558)
• Australia
21 Feb 07
As others have said there is no right time to leave I have seen others that say “when things get better for them I’ll leave”, years later they are still in an unhappy relationship. There is always some drama happening that keeps them there. Sounds like your have given him more than enough chances. You are the only one that can make the choice to get out. If you are going, make it a clean break, if the car is yours, take it.
Call your parents ask for their support, and Leave NOW.
@creechy29 (132)
• Philippines
21 Feb 07
just tell him the truth first. after all gave him all the chances to change all his bad habits but he does not do anything if he really loves you he will do evrything in able to give you good life its not your fault if he is not responsible if you leave him you have your own life. You have alot of choice to search for your own happiness. You don't deserve him he's just stick with you beacuse you have want he wants and its not good that he's asking money with family to pay for the mothly rent of the apartment how bad. i hope you could get out of that situation the decision is yours you have seen all the differences.
2 people like this
@creechy29 (132)
• Philippines
21 Feb 07
the right is now not tomorrow not next week nor next month but NOW you can have a better life with others
1 person likes this
@p8ntballr21 (857)
• United States
22 Feb 07
That is a tough situation your boyfriend's family is in.
However, I think only you will know when the right time to leave is. You have to worry about yourself before you worry about others. Seems like you have done more than enough to try to help the family out and now it is time for them to help themselfs out.
What ever you choose, make sure it is your choice and something you want. Do not hold back what you need to do to make your life better because someone is asking you to hold back with them.
3 people like this
@aretha (2538)
• United States
21 Feb 07
o boy that has to be so hard. not sure i would leave the car what will you do with no car? i would really think about that. its gonna be really hard but sounds like you really need to do it. you will find the right time and it would be best if you could do it on good turms i think. good luck i hope it all works out for you.
3 people like this
@PoeTalker (715)
• United States
21 Feb 07
Well my parents are rich so im sure they'd just buy me a new one if I go home. Right now we barely have enough to buy food, we had to use Target gift cards to buy groceries. I miss having money the most I think.
3 people like this
@icequeen (2840)
• Canada
21 Feb 07
I don't think there will ever be a good time to leave...I think that if you are unhappy and that things are not improving then you need to leave. It would be nice if you were there for him in his time of need...but after that I would call it quits. Don't give him your car..let him get his own!
2 people like this
@Lil_miz_ice_x (614)
•
22 Feb 07
You can't continue to take responsibility for your boyfriend, his family, or their addictions.
You can't let their problems bring you down, no matter what they say.
I think you're just feeling guilty for having to leave your boyfriend.
Nows the time to remember where you stand.
@onabreak2 (1161)
• United States
22 Feb 07
Just pack your bags and get out. Run like the wind.
Get while the getting is good. Dont Look back. Dont look back.
Dont wait for a good time, a good time is never going to
come with him. He needs to grow up and you dont need that.
You and him both need to get on with your life.
@texasclassygal (5305)
• United States
22 Feb 07
I agree whole heartedly with your response, that is exactly what I was trying to convey to her, right on the point onabreak2
@Jleivang (374)
• India
22 Feb 07
I feel there is no right time. If you linger on to wait for the right time, it may get too late for you to fix things. The most important thing is you and you only. You have to live life and you can't spoil it any further for someone who doesn't understand it. This relationship has never put you on the right track so it's time you move on with your life and leave him. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but I would do what I've suggested if I were in your place.
1 person likes this
@teamfreddy (150)
• Mexico
21 Feb 07
I have taken the liberty of checking your profile. If your age on the site is correct, then I have the easiest advise you can get. Turn around and get a life, dump whatever ties you down and start living in a place in the sun without all this misery that you seem to have gathered around you.
Let me get to your basic question.
There is NEVER the right time to step out of a "relation". You just need to take a deep breath and take the plunge.
At your age there is still a lot to encounter in life and if one door shuts, another one ALWAYS open. STOP making excuses for yourself.
2 people like this
@kari_lynn222 (35)
• Romania
22 Feb 07
You're young. You shouldn't worry about him. He is not your responsibility. YOu have been nice enough to him thus far and you didn't have to be. In my opinion, you've done more than enough for him, and you aren't obligated to take care of him. He will have to figure something else out as far as transportation goes.
@rochelle_20us (11)
• Philippines
22 Feb 07
Are you really sure w/ that decision? Both of you should talk about it and im sure he will understand that the relationship will not work out anymore and its time to move up...You have to think of yourself also though at first it will really hurts you...You have to decide as soon as possible because the longer you keep it, the longer you suffer from it...If your really for each other then destiny will find a way to bring you back together...
Pray to the Lord and Be positive...
1 person likes this
@raimavillanueva (37)
• Australia
26 Feb 07
in your case, i think anytime is the right time...a man should be the provider, unfortunately it is him who's dependednt on you...if you really love him and wants to help him, start by letting him stand on his own. You've done your part, no more room for guilt feelings.
@rakku2007 (59)
• India
22 Feb 07
just be patient..... put urself in a separate room and think hard on what is to be done and it would be better off if u decided the future course of action rather than findin' solution from thousand of ur mates here.
@vangie79 (198)
• Philippines
22 Feb 07
He's not your responsibility though i understand that you're afraid of leaving him because you've guided him well that and he might ruin his life when you leave him. But let's face the reality that you have your own life and he has his own too. And if a relationships doesn't grow anymore and no love at all, no need to continue a relationship with him. As i can see that your not helping him to grow cause you're teaching him to depend always on you and can't stand alone on his feet though you did something for him to be in a right track.
There's no such right time in leaving, i know he's having a hard time because of his uncle's status. Maybe giving him some consideration, you can di it after they mourn to his uncle. But please you don't need to give your car to him, no matter how rich is your family. Let him do his best to have what he wanted for his life. Advise him to have dreams or goals to set for him to pursue things in life. This is the right time to think for your own happiness... goodluck girl!!! best wishes to you!!!
@printemps (30)
• Ukraine
22 Feb 07
You have to think first why you are with him. If you felt you had to save him it is a wrong motivation. You may help somebody but not to be attracted to the point you become his girlfriend. Help is a help but serious relationships must be between serious, dedicated and mature people. My advice is to leave him whenever you see appropriate. He didn't think how you felt when he drank. He is not serious and dedicated. So, please, don't feel guilty, you're not there to save anybody. You're there to be loved, cared and to love and care MUTUALLY.
@stacyv81 (5903)
• United States
22 Feb 07
I think you should at least discuss the fact that you want to leave. Because nothing is worse than being with someone who doesnt want to be with you. You should tell him how you feel and tell him you will do what you can to help him until he gets on his feet. But just be honest and he'll help you make that decision. As long as you are honest and tell him he has a certain amount of time to get his stuff together so he can make it on his own, then there is no need to feel bad.
@my3angels (87)
• United States
22 Feb 07
Get out now! Sounds like the family just needs their bottle of booze or pills, not your presence, to feel their way through the grieving process. Stop kidding yourself. The longer you stay the longer you enable him to continue this behavior. Unless you are independently wealthy and can afford to replace your car, take it with you. He's a big boy, let him take the bus! if you don't leave now you will be a doormat for the rest of your life.
