stepchildren

Have you ever considered duct tape and vodka? LOL All kidding aside I cannot imagine how hard it is to deal woth rude children that are not even yours. I might suggest finding the things they like to do, even if its video games and do it with them. Show them you can be fun and get down to their level and really put some effort into it.Do they like music? Take them to a concert of one of their favorite bands. While I think it does boil down to your husband putting his foot down and setting some srtict rules, it might not hurt to try to reach them on their level. Maybe if they learn to like you, then the respect will come. Above all else let them know you are there for them if they need you and hopefully they will grow out of it soon. At that age it is probably a game to see who can upset you first...try not to give in and show them how much their behavior affects you. Good Luck!

it sounds to me that your problem is not really the kids but the fact they are you husbands from a previous marriage. the fact that you stated that you dont want to see them more than you do just about says it all. you could let them know that just because their father doesnt care how they act you. they proble act up because they are allowed to and no one seems to care. the reason a good many fathers stop having anything to do with their kids is because of new wives and girlfriends. You really need to try and make a go of it with them. you may find that you can like them and get along with them. you dont have to learn to love them all in one day. take your time. try doing stuff with just them. show them you arent a bad person and ou may find out they are not bad kids. i am not tring to be rude are acuse you are anything. i just hate the see families fall apart because they refuse to except each other. remember you have to put up with them for the rest of your life. you never have to love them or even like them but to keep trouble out of your life and marriage you must get along with them. Just remember they were part of the package when you married.

My experience as a stepparent was a little different. My husband and I raised his oldest son, and their mother had the youngest. We didn't get to see the youngest much because they live in Tennesee, and we live in Texas. I have never gotten along with the oldest, nor he with me, when he was groing up. My relationship with the youngest became very strong when he would come to Texas for the summer. We got along famously, and we still do. Both boys are grown, now, and our relationships have grown too. My oldest stepson says he was so rude and obnoxious to me because he thought I was taking his dad away, but now he realizes I was just giving myself. So, I do understand how you feel, but I don't agree with your sentiment. These children are acting out because they are starved for attention, discipline, and guidance. Obviously their parents aren't meeting these needs. You have two choices, and they both suck. You can either assert yourself into the situation and try to give these children what they need when they are with you, or you can let sleeping dogs lie, and watch them grow up into possible criminals with the same "I don't care" attitude they have now and more knowledge about how to get into trouble. Another thing you have to consider is that these children are at an age when they are naturally rude and disruptive. Try planning stuctured family activities to channel their rambunctiousness into something positive at least one weekend a month. You may find that the bond between you growa, and it could possibly be the one thing these children need to become the shining stars every child has the right to be.

Wow! that is a bold and extremely honest claim. It is extremely difficult to really like disrespectful children even if you love them. Although your husband only wants happy times I think the times are going to get worse as they get older, especially if his 8 yr old answers him with such a sarcastic remark. It is important for you two to set rules and boundaries for them to follow when they are with you all and if you two have or plan to have children, they will pick up those disrespectful habits and will be more recentful that their step siblings get away with that bad behavior. It doesn't have to make the times "bad times" they are just constructive times.

Well number 1 your husband is harming his children when he does not discipline them. What is he going to do when they get into some major trouble? Number 2, it is not the kids fault, for the way they act. Hey if you are going to get by with it, why not do it. They may be doing the things that they are doing because they are wanting some discipline. They probably dont relize this but once your husband puts his foot down, They will act different. A child will act out good or bad when they are needing something like attention, love or discipline. Number 3. I really feel for you. I am sorry you feel the way you do for the children but didnt you know he had the children before you married them? If you love your husband you should love his children. My oldest son is from my first marriage. I divorced my first husband because he was running around on me and got the other woman pregnant. I was so hurt. But, after the beautiful little girl was born which is 4 months younger then my son, would come to my home and spend night with her brother. she is no relation to me or my second husband. She is my sons half sister. For that reason I love her with all my heart. We have fun together. She is a hand full. My x was kill when she was 12 and her mom just dont care about anything but herself. All of this is not my sons sisters fault. She did not ask to be born. That was Gods decision. It was not her fault that her father was a cheater. All I know is that my son and his sister have the same blood running through there veins and I love her for that. I would do anything for her. I do discipline her just like I would my own boys. She knows I treat her just like she is mine. She respects me for that. When I discipline her, she hates me at that moment. After it is over, we talk about it and she will tell me she is sorry and we then pretend it never happened and go on with our life. I can do more with her then her own mom. I wish you the best of luck with the blessing that you may be over looking.

I agree with you that they need more guidance and parental involvement. And even if you were more willing to get involved, it could be difficult as that could very well make everyone else unhappy. I can understand that your husband wants them to enjoy their visits, but allowing them to talk to him like that is not good for them and teaches them disrespect. I can see where it would make them hard to like. It sounds like some counseling might be in order. Would your husband be willing to suggest counseling for the kids to his ex? It would be good to have parental involvement in that as well. If they won't do that, you could even get some counseling yourself and ask the counselor for some suggestions. It sounds like you've talked to your husband about this, but maybe you need to talk to him again and see if you can reach some sort of compromise and agree on some house rules. You have a right to be treated respectfully in your own home. Also, if you're not doing this already, maybe you can do something else at least part of the time and give them some alone time with their dad, which would give you a little break. Good luck--this is a difficult situation and I find myself wishing I had something more concrete to offer.

There is no reason to extend affection to those who don't deserve it. Have you talked with your husband aboutyour expectations for children while in the home you share with him? It might be good to sit down and really work on th eproblem because it is VERY important that the children behave well while in your presence. It might be good to figure out how to create more structure for them when they visit. Planned outings, arts and crafts, gardening...anything that is simple, educational, and consumes enough of their time that they have few opportunities for idle trouble making. If you cannot develope more discipline then keeping them as busy as possible would be a good option. Other options would be your either leaving when the children visit, which is probably impractical, or your finding things that keep you busy but away from them when they visit. I can't think of other ideas but maybe those willhelp you out. Good Luck!

I do not have personal experience bringing up stepchildren but i have deep sympathy for them towards them being human being. i want to love ...... only love. never i have bad feelings towards them nor i do not want to hurt them.

Well I really think that maybe you need to re evaluate who the selfish one is, I mean the kid's are going to be kid's and the way that they learn is by guidence from there parents if you are not willing to be a guide to them or your husband is not willing to be a guide to them then maybe it is better that they only come over every other weekend. I have 2 step daughters, we fought for 2 years for custody at that time we were only getting them every other weekend. I treated them as if they were my own the rules in our house applied to everyone. It has been 5 years almost 6 now. We have joint custody we get them every weekend and all summer. They are very different at my home than they are at there mom's. They are more respectful, they don't talk back when they break the rules they are punished. I do alot of things with them, my husband and I are raising them as if they were mine and his togather. Maybe if you took a different look on things it would help you. You have to show structure before they will follow it. Good Luck

Maybe you should trying explaining to your husband how him giving in to them all the time is not doing them any favours and that this is hard for you to be able to see this . It is making it harder for you to establish a relationship with the children as their behaviour is not what it should be . Best of luck !!

First of all, it is meaningless to force anyone to do things they just don't like to do. So if you don't want to see the stepchildren to an extreme degree, there is hardly a way to help you to be their nice mother. But I strongly suggest you try to find out the lovely parts of them. When both you and your stepchildren try to spend times together, bonds may be formed eventually. Maybe someday they love you and you are happy to be with them.

my second hubby has 3 children from previous marriages. fortunate for me, i'm in speaking terms w/ his eldest, she is turning 28 yrs old. as the days passed by, we became quite close. the other 2 offsprings, we are not in speaking terms. she & he don't like me. they are very judgemental. i don't mind. as long as their father comes home to me, to our own house. i'm contented. i don't pick a fight on them. try to be a good, lovable, approachable, thoughtful & understanding step mom to your step children. it is easier to talk w/ them since they are 8 & 10 only. ask permission from your hubby if you can let the children understand what they do. it's not good to see his children being rude, spoiled & undisciplined. these do not only reflect on their mom side but as well as on your side & your hubby. people would think all of you (3) don't know how to bring up the children w/ good values, good manners & right conduct instilled in their minds. the kids won't be the shameful ones in this situation but the 3 of you. always make the initiative to talk, play with them. let them feel that you also love them as much as their dad. you'll see, when they reach their adolescence stage, they will be heeding for your advice or for your guidance. don't be impatient.

if you are not going to give your husband a helping hand in disciplining them then you have no right to judge them. Perhaps it is you that makes them want to lash out. Kids are not stupid and know when they are unwanted. when you take on a relatioship when there are already existing children then you have to accept the whole package

well it seems you are in a wierd situation. I belive that a step parent should gain the respect of the step child before atempting to correct or punish them. however in your case that seems to be a slim to no chance. While I know you wont always have unconditional love for a child that isnt even yours you may be able to find somethings you have in commoun to have small talk and do things every so often. However if your husband doesnt discipline them and wants fun fun fun your best bet would be to try to have fun with them when possable. If you try to discipline them or do something about it they will probably think of you as the evil step mom so i reciment talking to your husband about it and if he refuses to do anything just try to have fun having stepchilderen that think you are evil can be a bit of a hassle i know this becase i had a step dad for a few years that thought the belt was the right answer for anything we did wrong and that made us dislike him so we were horrible and we kind of made him crazy.

This is such a difficult situation and I sypmathise completely, my two stepsons have had a very difficult time in their teenage years and though their fatheris a good man who is excellent with kids, in hidsight I can see that he wasnt nearly firm enough with them and that they really needed parental discipline. From my perspective I always felt as if I had no right to interfere, but again, looking back, it wouldnt have hurt for me to be stricter about teh houserules as well.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of parents that try to turn their children against the step-parent and do everything in their power to thwart every effort to form a good relationship. I'm still in good graces with my step-daughter, but her mother is doing everything she can to turn her against me and I'm afraid it will happen. My husband, thankfully, is doing what he can to make sure that won't happen...but a lot of men are so afraid of confrontation or are so busy over-compensating, that they allow it to happen whether or not they realize it.

Its good to know that you love the step children. Its really good. Children are next to GOd, they will be so inocent at this stage. So if you treat them good , they will feel good and treat you as their mother. You should not feel any bad when they go with you, travel with you instead you should be proud that you are already a mother of two. I love children so much.

i think u should give them love to get it in return.

sounds like your husban needs to discipline them before its far too late, they is no reason that the children can not have fun without disipline and respect, respect and trust is very important when bringing up children, from what you have said they do sound very rude and have little respect, i think you need to talk to your husband very shortly and try to discuss how you feel about the situation, you also need to show them discipline to the kids while they are over, however if you do this and your husband doesnt they may think of you as a'b#tch' but this may actually do them good in the future. discipline is must!

There is enough in your note to suggest that you are a good mother having compassionate feelings and love for childen. That is why you have a natural concern for them as a mother as well. Such feelings also seem to at times stimulate you to do something good for them. I am sure such feelings will enlighten your hear further and you will mould them to become good citizens. You also seem to love your husband and having done something for his children will enhance your love and respect in the eyes of your husband.