How could my single friends change on me?
By arvee17
@arvee17 (730)
Philippines
February 28, 2007 10:26am CST
I went on a long trip with my friends to the beach... I was hoping that it would be one of those great trips that I always had with them but it turned out to be the opposite... See, this is the first time, after i had my baby to go out with them and i brought my baby to the trip. All my friends are single and i was the only person in the bunch who's got a baby.
Far back when I was single like them, I love to party all night and drink till I was totally drunk. They love hanging out with me at that time cos I was always the life of the party. As I always think of myself.
But then after i had my child, I decided to stay home and take care of my little one. They thought that it was a bad decision because they think that i was wasting my time at home. But I just love hanging out with my baby.
Anyways, as we were on our trip, I really felt that i didn't matter to them. I've got like a really close friend in there. Whom i was really close when i was single but she also left me in the air and i was just hanging out with my kid the whole time. We stayed there for two days but i felt like it was a waste of time to be there cos i didn't have anyone to talk with... i was with my husband at that time and i could easily leave my child to my husband if i want too so i could really enjoy that time with my friends but i really felt that they didn't want me there. and that i didn't matter at all...
is it just because I've got a kid and they are single and just ignorant of the joy of having a kid around? or is it just that i got married and they think i change into a boring person? which i think I'm not....
do single people really could be self-centered heartless people? do any of you gals and guys out there got a similar experience like what i had with my so-called friends?
7 people like this
34 responses
@rusty2rusty (6763)
• Defiance, Ohio
28 Feb 07
To be honest when going on a trip with your friends, I think you should of spent some time with them without your baby. I know you love your baby and your baby is your life. But your friends don't have kids. So your baby is not their life. Don't get me wrong. I am not trying to say they hate your baby or anything. But their priorities are different than yours. Just like your priorities changed once you had a baby. They also may not have known how you felt. Did you open up or say something to them? I know when I go on a trip. I like to go out and do things. I assume that is what they expected you to do to. To go out and do something instead of staying in the whole time.
You can't expect your friends to change, just because you had a baby.
2 people like this
@arvee17 (730)
• Philippines
1 Mar 07
i can't say my feelings to them because they might think I'm just crazy but they know that i like to go out most of the time and that my husband can take care of my child. like during that time, one of my friends promise to wake me up early morning so we could have a walk on the beach and enjoy the water early morning. They know i wake up late and really needed to be waken up so i could come with them. The morning came and nobody woke me up. When breakfast came and i asked them why they didn't wake me, she told me that i might bring my baby and i would have a hard time. but my goodness!!! that was around 6 a.m when they went out for a walk... my baby is still sleeping at that time and of course i wouldn't bring my child at that time because i wanted to enjoy my time with them. I was so disappointed with how she responded.
@rusty2rusty (6763)
• Defiance, Ohio
1 Mar 07
Who really cares if they think you are crazy? At least you will have your thoughts out in the open and possibly resolve this dilemma of yours. If they really think your crazy. Than you need new friends. I would of told her how you felt after she responded. I would also have let her know that no you did not plan on taking the baby with you. As that is when the baby sleeps. You have to remember, they don't know your baby's schedule like you do. Not unless you tell them. It sounds like my guess was right. They wanted to spend some time with you without the baby. But it also sounds like they didn't want to take your time away from your baby either. I really do think it is just a simple case of miscommunication. Next time take a few minutes or a little more to spend time with your friends without the baby. Let them know up front. That you plan on doing something with them without the baby. So you can have a girls day out.
1 person likes this
@arvee17 (730)
• Philippines
1 Mar 07
thanks! i guess i would do that later. but for now... i still don't want to talk or see them... i just want to be left alone by them. i am still hurt by their actions toward me.i would probably talk to them after a while because i've been friends with them for a long time now... and those bunch are really close to my heart. but for now, i still want that ill feeling to stay in my heart for a bit while. after a week probably my bad feelings toward them would disappear and we would be ok again... but i will also try to look at the horizon too. i would try to look for new friends i could share my real feelings about parenting without fearing that i would be left out again...
@ailene713 (97)
• Philippines
1 Mar 07
well, i think your single friends could have wanted you to enjoy and have a great time with them, but because you have your baby with you, they cannot do so... i dunno... this is just an opinion, but maybe they wanted you to have come alone.
2 people like this
@ladymoonstone143 (1507)
• United States
1 Mar 07
As for personal experience, our single friends are more or less alienated with the situation that we are in. I can never deny it that when I talk with them, the topic of motherhood, being a wife, etc will always be interjected now and then. And when you talk about your baby, you get carried about it sometimes. Single people can't understand and can't feel what we feel.
Nowadays, when I talked to my single friends, I do the asking how their life is first and if they asked me about the baby and my life, I tell them in minimal term and move on to a much more neutral topics. But with other married friends, it always about babies, sharing of ideas, frustrations, etc,
I guess being married, we tend to lead a more routine life. But I don't miss life being single though because before I got married, I had enjoyed it to the fullest. What I do now is convince my single friends to get married coz for me, I think they are leading a boring life...=)
2 people like this
@moomincat (321)
•
1 Mar 07
I dont really want to beleive it but Ive come to the conclusion. There are people with kids and theres people without them. The responsibility brings priorities that change our outlook. Its not that single people are better or worse than parents or even vis versa is just a matter of circumstances. When I had my first baby I was determined my social life wasnt going to be changed or effected. But it did change and eventually some of my friends found themselves in the same situation as me, others moved on and took a different journey. Nothing in life stays the same thats what makes it so fascinating.
@pondadog (101)
• United States
1 Mar 07
The truthis..sad as it is..it is the truth..if your friends are the party animals as you describe...they do not want to be hamstrung by a woman/girl with a kid/baby....Trust me ..it is NOT in their gameplan....so...since I'm sure you are not going to give up the little one...the answer is simple...You have got to get rid of this group of so called "friends" and start hanging with a group of more responsible folks..may not be what you want to hear...but its got to be done....They werent prob your true friends anyway...years ago , I decided to quit drinking and I did..guess what? My old group of bar buddies weren't really keen on having a teetotaler around them..it seemed to dampen their mood...thats ok..I've since moved on and dont miss any of them a bit...the choice is yours...you prob shouldn't be exposing a child to whatever these clowns are doing anyway..!
2 people like this
@addysmum (1225)
• Canada
1 Mar 07
Loving to be with you baby is great but a girls trip to the beach should have been just that, you and your girls reconnecting and having fun. That doesn't mean you had to go get totally drunk but have fun with your friends. taking the baby was you not respecting your friends. You put the damper on their trip by forcing them to have a child along. They may love your baby and love hanging out with you and him but that doesn't mean that they wanted him along on the trip. If you couldn't go with out him then you should have declined going with them and planned a family trip instead. When and if they start having kids then a mom and kid trip may be in order but until then respect your friends by not bringing yours along.
1 person likes this
@suchasucker (206)
• United States
1 Mar 07
I don't think it's your friends that have changed, I believe it's you that has changed. It sounds very much like you've matured, and accepted your role as an adult. You've grown up, because you've had to for your daughter.
Your friends are probably exhibiting the same behaviors they always did, you just notice them more now because you are different than their group.
I'm not sure the age range of you and your friends, but that could be playing a part in it. Your friends may not be ready to accept a friend with children.
They could also feel betrayed by you, and that you've left them behind. Or that somehow you've moved on, because you have your child to deal with now.
If it were me, I'd try talking to them about the situationa and see if there is a reason they've been acting this way around you. Maybe they aren't even aware you are feeling this way.
@mzbubblie (3839)
• United States
3 Mar 07
I respect everything that you have said. However, I'm going to use myself as the example....I have a child myself. Most of my friends are single as well..Every now and then we go out "like a girls night out" or a "girls get-a-way weekend" From that point, I know either I'm going to have to get a sitter for my son or I'm not going to go. I know my friends love me dearly and we don't get to spend time like we use to...I don't bring my son due to I know if we go to the club or want to go where minors are not allowed, I couldn't bring him. Plus it also gives me my "me time" For me personally, I feel I do need that "me too". My girlfriends and I have a wonderful time and I can enjoy my mini-trip with them without saying "I can't go to that place, I have my son".
I love my son dearly and he is my pride and joy, but sometimes, it's ok to want to take out a little time for self, it's not selfish at all, it's human...
See where I'm going? I know you love your child dearly, but your friends had in mind to hang out and do fun things, in hopes you could too. But being that you brought your child and your friends knowing that they wanted to have a good trip. No Offense, but they didn't want a weekend to turn into sitting in a hotel, or going places knowing you had to bring your baby along...
There is nothing wrong with you loving and wanting to hang out with your child, furthermore, I know your friends know that your child brings you joy, Not saying they don't, but you also have to understand that your friends were looking to have a fun filled time like it use to be at least for a day or so...
Good luck to you...
1 person likes this
@peachie29 (62)
• Philippines
1 Mar 07
Well, in my opinion you should not bring your child when you go out with your single friends, because this single friends they all want is fun and not to be obliged or disturbed when a baby cry. I'm still single, to be honest if my friend will bring her baby, I feel awkward, because maybe I'm not use to where most of her attention will go to the baby instead to her friends.
1 person likes this
@Sissygrl (10912)
• Canada
28 Feb 07
I think maybe you grew up and they diddn't, people do change, and maybe it was you who changed not them, its not that your boring, but you probably have a different outlook on life now that you have a baby, i mean being a mother changes a LOT doesn't it? It did for me, i used to drink and party and smoke all before i decided to have a baby, and now i dont and have no desire to do any of those things. I don't bother with anyone else that does either, cause its not something that i need in my life anymore now that i have a baby to care for:0) i wouldnt be too dissapointed, you will find friends that you have more in common with sooner or later, just don't get discouraged, you made the right choice to take care of your family instead of being out drinking and having fun and leaving your responsibilties for someone else:) Good job:) Glad your enjoying being a mom. I am too:)
2 people like this
@doodlebug5250603 (1993)
• United States
1 Mar 07
I can see where you are coming from. And i seem to have this problem from time to time. Single people have no worries, they get to go and come when they please. But it's different when you have a child. You are usually on the child's time, and do as the child wants to be done. Single people don't have responsiblities ilke we parents do. And single people think that since we are now married, then we can't enjoy certain things, because we are now commented to someone. It's harder on us parents who have single friends. Trust me i know. I don't hang out with mine much anymore because we are just so different now. Plus since i have children and i'm married i feel like i'm more grown up than they are.
1 person likes this
@arvee17 (730)
• Philippines
1 Mar 07
it's been like a week since our trip and i try not to talk to them for a while. i usually see them online at night time but i just don't wanna greet my friends at the moment and just pretend everything is fine when in fact, it is not.
the responses most of you gave me, made me realize that i also need to broaden the possibilities of looking for new friends. people i could connect with. thanks all!!
1 person likes this
@doodlebug5250603 (1993)
• United States
1 Mar 07
I understand that you may not want to give your old friends, and at times it's hard to. I know when i got married and had children i lost alot of my friends, because they still liked to party and i wasn't into that anymore. I can tell you that it will be easier when you have friends who are married and have children, because they seem to understand you more. i do wish you luck. and i'm here if you need to talk. good luck
1 person likes this
@cayennepepper (266)
• United States
1 Mar 07
Sounds like things have changed for all of you and they may be finding it hard to relate. A child in the mix as sweet as it is can change things a lot on a trip or even going out to eat. Stay in touch if you want to with them, but I would find someone your age with children you and your family can be comfortable around and have some fun too.
1 person likes this
@vanchinathan (46)
• India
1 Mar 07
Friends are those who can be with you irrespective of your past present or future they are being very childish ignoring a friend. Just enjoy ur married life and dont think of the beach incident this will effect ur feeling for ur friends in the wrong way
1 person likes this
@mom2chriskel (1060)
• United States
1 Mar 07
When I had my first child, I realized that my single friends didn't want to be around me as much. Or they just assumed, I couldn't go out. And mostly I can't leave at a drop of a hat. To go out we have to have a babysitter for two kids so sometimes that can take planning and it isn't the spur of the moment type thing where we go out at 9:00 at night and don't get back til who knows when anymore.
I've slowly been making a new set of friends. Join a few play groups as your child gets older...go to mommy meetings. You will find a whole different set of friends who will understand.
1 person likes this
@ronita34 (3922)
• Canada
1 Mar 07
I do not have a similar experience but i have felt left out at times because as mothers we have responsibilities now that we have our children. I think that you should maybe find some new friends as i think that the wy that they have treated you is wrong and very ignorant. Just try to forget about it either that or you need to talk to them and see if you all can in fact remain friends. Whatever you decide take care, Good luck and Best Wishes!!!
@western_valleygirl (1363)
• United States
1 Mar 07
Sometimes, there are just some people that we no longer have tings in common with. So, we make new friends that do have similar goals, priorities, and are generally fun and nice people to be around. If they could be so insensitive to your feelings, then, maybe they are not your friends. I would ask them, about what they feel, and if they feel that they do not like being around you, now that you have a child, then, do not put yourself in the position of feeling lonely or rejected, in fact, partying all the time, is not a way of life, if they choose to not outgrow that, then, you will never have anything in common with them, because that is a part of your life that you have moved on from. You are married, responsible, with a little child to raise, and you have priorities and responsibilities...there are more people like you out there, who are mature and don't squander their time, than there are of people like them. Personally, I would not hang around people that drink and party all day, I have one friend like that, we grew up together, but she has struggled through the years to change. Other than that, she has one daughter now, and wants to be a good role model, but it is very hard for her, I always encourage her to try and do more, and to stop the drinking and partying...I hope the best for her, and for you, I say, make friends with people that are true to you, and like being around you, for you, not because you were the life of a party...there is more to you than that, I can tell from your discussion...
1 person likes this
@carol79 (201)
• Philippines
1 Mar 07
Lighten up! So your friends ignored you and might have changed because you don't have the same priorities of being wasted and partying like an animal, so what?! Your priorities should be on your child and husband anyway. If you really think they changed and became different with you then move on. They are not real friends if they treated you badly. But maybe you should really look closely and observe, maybe they did that because they were thinking you wanted some time with your husband and child right? I mean how could they also ask you to go party with them if they knew the baby is there with you? It would be selfish also to do that. Now I think you totally had a vacation which was quite not organized. Never mix your vacation with your family and single friends. It just doesnt really go together. I mean i would rather go for vacation with my family and I would rather meet my single friends occassionaly for coffee or for shopping. You should also know that your life has definitely changed the moment you have kids. Gone were the days of partying on your own...now you could do that with your husband instead. Wouldn't that be nicer than wasting time having a time with your so called friends. Make more time for family. For in the end its them you should be with and no one else.
1 person likes this
@xanjvill (88)
• Philippines
1 Mar 07
Has it ever crossed your mind that it must be you who have changed? I don't mean anything wrong with this but life changed for you and maybe so is your preferences for having fun. I have lots of friends who when they got married lost interest in the things we usually do when they were still single. Or maybe your friends thought you were not interested with their kind of fun because you declined their invitations before. You went there with your family so maybe they thought you'd rather spend your time with them. Maybe you can tell your close friend about the way you feel and maybe she'll have a better answer for you.
1 person likes this
@retardedrugrat (4791)
• Canada
1 Mar 07
Unfortunately, many friendships go down the drain when one of their bunch goes and gets married or has a child.
Those that are single don't really know what enrichment having a child can add to life, and they are ignorant of that fact.
I think they should have respected your decision to get married, and have a baby, and I'm sure they have no idea how hard it is to bring a child up. They should have respected your decision to take your child along with you, and they should have made more of an effort to include you in things.
Maybe you could write or call your friends and ask them why they excluded you from most things. Explain that you were hurt by that, and that you haven't changed just because you got married and had a child. If they truly feel bad and want to make amends then go with it. If not, then I say you're better off without them.
1 person likes this
