Split Families
By Bytemi
@Bytemi (1553)
United States
March 5, 2007 7:52am CST
My boyfriend and I are facing another holiday, Easter, and his ex-wife has once again denied us his daughter for the holiday. It is very frustrating. We worked so hard to get both of the girls for Christmas (my daughter and his) and at the last minute, his daughter said that she changed her mind and was not coming. The next time she came to visit, she told us that her mom told her that this would be their last Christmas together (she has the child believing she dieing) and that if she wanted to spend it with her dad she could. This has been going on for 3 years every holiday. I am extremely frustrated and even more frustrated that now at least with the holiday schedule, our daughters will never be together to celebrate them and my family will never be complete. Has anyone been in this situation before. I don't like giving my daughter up for Christmas or Easter but I do it because it is only fair to her and her father.
5 people like this
18 responses
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
5 Mar 07
I have seen this happen in alot of families and it is fairly simple to resolve if you are willing.
What happens is the custodial parent keeps enjoying the power issues in denying the holiday visits. What you need to do is have the holiday activities when the regular visits are schedule and not attempt to arrange things so that they fall right on the holiday. Usually, the custodial parent stops trying to do the power play because there is nothing to argue about. This also gives the custodial parent fewer ways to say horrible things about the other parent.
3 people like this
@Ravenladyj (22902)
• United States
5 Mar 07
That is great advice! I ended up having to do that BUT I WAS the custodial parent...my ex however would pull serious pr!ck shots and tell the kids horrible lies in order to guilt me into letting him have them etc (other than at Xmas..I stood firm with our every other yr arrangement) whether it was Easter, their birthdays, mothers day, his bday and so on....So we started doing things differently and not worrying so much about the actual date etc and eventually his game began to bore him....
I agree with SageMother...dont concentrate so much on the calander date...work around it and if the mother finds new excuses I would seriously consider going to court/taking legal action of some kind...Also, though I'm not sure about in the U.S, in Canada once the child hits a certain age, their desires are also taken into account when it comes to visitations and court orders etc...so maybe looking into that in your area as well (dependign on the childs age) is something to also consider....If you arnet keen on goin to actual court I would suggest at least gettig the advice of a lawyer/legal aid and finding out EXACTLY what your rights are as the noncustodial parents....I had to do that too when my children decided they didnt want to go see their father anymore
2 people like this
@Melizzy (1381)
• United States
5 Mar 07
What SageMother refers to is the agreement my cousin and her ex has. They maintain their regular vistation schedule (the ex husband has primary custody) of 10 days with dad, 5 with mom and whoever gets the kid on the day of the holiday, it just goes that way.
I think your boyfriend should go back to court and seek some sort of fomal holiday arrangement.
1 person likes this
@NatureBoy (493)
• Singapore
6 Mar 07
Families are not just about holidays and celebrations. If the meetings with the child are only for these events, I would say that its small wonder why she is not joining you. No offense. On the child point of view, I would hope that things will not get more complicated as it is already. You have a family (husband and daughter). Her mum only has her. No doubt your husband is her dad, but I think he made the decision with the divorce, so he will have to live with it. This result is the consequences of the action. But one thing, he is only your boyfriend? Both of you are divorce, no offense again.
1 person likes this
@peni88 (469)
• United States
6 Mar 07
nature boy just because the father is divorced from the mother doesnt mean he is divorced from his child. thats what wrong with a lot of divorced parents. they think that since youre not with the other parent you dont have to be with the child and the child suffers the most.
1 person likes this
@Bytemi (1553)
• United States
8 Mar 07
NatureBoy, you comments were wrong in so many ways that I can't even begin to comment on them, no offense. How naive can you be to belief that A. the man has to leave the woman and B. that if a man does leave that he loses his right to be with his child. That is the stupidest thing I ever hear, no offense.
You don't know the circumstances of either out divorces so you don't have a right to comment on them, NO OFFENSE AGAIN!!!!!
In case you can't tell, I took offense!
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
6 Mar 07
no I haven't but as much as it hurts you it is your daughter that is in the worst position, please don't make that child have to choose between the love of one parent or the other. Why not start your own holiday tradition, celebrate christmas on Christmas eve, we french canadians do anyhow, the orthodox do it on the 6th of January.
In canada there is easter sunday and easter monday, have whatever do that x doesn't have and celebrate easter.
1 person likes this
@Bytemi (1553)
• United States
8 Mar 07
I would never make her choose between one parent or the other, I know how much damage that can do. I have a daughter also and I can't ask her to wait to celebrate holidays it is not fair to her or her father, because he celebrates the holidays that he does not have her the following week. I just want to have both of my girls together to celebrate the holiday, I don't understand why that is so wrong.
@mrbranan (1012)
• United States
5 Mar 07
I have never been in that kind of situation. What does the law say about this. It seems like the mother would have no choice but to give her up on some of the holidays. I think it is ashamed that the child thinks she is dying. I don't understand what that mother is thinking. I think that is mental abuse.
1 person likes this
@Bytemi (1553)
• United States
8 Mar 07
Oh don't get me started on the mental abuse. My boyfriends feel that the marriage breaking up was his fault and he does not want to hurt his ex-wife any more than he already has. So no courts in this situation he won't do it. Myself personally I would have hired the attorney last year.
@retardedrugrat (4791)
• Canada
5 Mar 07
I had faced this with my daughters father. We solved it in a fairly simple way because both of us were willing to compromise.
We said that for the holidays one year, such as Christmas and Easter, she'd spend with myself and my partner, and then the next she'd spend it with her father and his wife.
We've done this every year since we split and it's worked out fine for us. She also visits her father and his family on a regular basis throughout the year during school holidays and such.
It's hard when one side of the equation isn't willing to compromise and it makes it extremely difficult - not to mention feeling hurt. Your husbands ex is hurting her daughter by not allowing her to spend time with you and eventually when her daughter is older, she will regret it.
1 person likes this
@vampkat (60)
• United States
5 Mar 07
I'm sorry you have to deal with this. If you want to (and have the funding of course) you can contest her behaviour in court. My step-dad had to do this because his ex wife was always refusing to let him spend time with his kids on holidays. The courts made him able to see them on christmas eve and things like that, making t a shared holiday. Sometimes it's easier to let courts handle grippy unkind parents on power trips.
@peni88 (469)
• United States
6 Mar 07
hi. i too have come from a blended family and now have one of my own. with my step-kids we alternate holidays. say if we had them on christmas eve they would go back to their grandparents for christmas day. we usually get them for easter. and they go back that night. it works out pretty well. if the ex is giving such a hard time with letting him see his kids, take her to court? does he pay child support? if so he has rights to see his kids and theres nothing she can do about it. i hope things work out for you.
1 person likes this
@cripfemme (7698)
• United States
6 Mar 07
She told the kid she was dying. That's awful and abusive. I would complain to the court about that sort of thing. Poor kid!
1 person likes this
@KetanGulati (579)
• India
5 Mar 07
well i can definitely feel the pain.... and the agony.... but I even understand that no one else can feel it as much as the father...
I have been accross such few cases of custodial probs whilst my counselling sessions... and did help a few of them -- obviously who were easy to handle... but then at a situation like this I can only recommend one rule -- the rule of three P's: patience, planning and prudence... can make u win --- you may start with the mother - who is taking he charge of the daughter -- tell her plainly that u r gonna tell the girl about her reality or she may become more leninet in allowing the girl to spend time with her father .... and if she doesn't go with the straightforward path--- take it to her from the reverse path .... if it is possible for u to approach the girl and tell the relaity of her mother -- do tell her...
I believe that truth has to win and it has been proved like a 1000 tmes in worse cases than this one!!!
do tell me if my suggestion works out for u
1 person likes this
@earthsong (589)
• United States
6 Mar 07
Not every mother is as loving and caring of your daughter and her need to spend time with her father on holidays.
I hear constantly about how stupid I am for letting my kids see their father, even tho he has signed away rights to them and doesn't see them often or pay child support. But my kids need to know the other side of their family, despite the fact that he is no longer legally their parent.
I learned by watching my mother bash my step-dad up and down to my younger sister, you just don't do that. You have to step back and let them make their own decisions about the parent that no longer lives with them. My sister hated my mom for a very long time, and even now their relationship is strained.
Hopefully at some point in time your hubby's ex will realize what a mistake she is making, but probably not. She'll have a strained relationship with her daughter and sit there wondering why. Its all very sad for you all, but most especially for his daughter, who is being denied a decent relationship with her dad.
1 person likes this
@serialmommy (639)
• United States
6 Mar 07
What your boyfriend needs to do is get a court order from the family court stating which holidays are his and which belong to his ex-wife, and if they alternate, and how exactly they will do so. That is the only way he can guarentee he will see his daughter for the holidays. Also, if his ex-wife refuses him his time, he can report her to the court, where she will then be in contempt and will have to comply or she may go to jail along with being fined. He may be reluctant to involve the court, however it is obvious that his ex isn't going to work with him on the situation, and he needs something that can be enforced and a guarentee of his parenting time.
1 person likes this
@seepy23 (7)
• Canada
6 Mar 07
There is no question that this is a tough situation. I have been separated for 5 years and share 3 very young children with my ex. As unreasonable as I find her to be most of the time, I do believe that raising kids apart is difficult on both our parts.
I think we have both accepted that Christmas doesn't necessarily need to happen on the 25th in the am, nor Easter on Easter Sunday etc. This has allowed us to both enjoy quality time with the children each and every holiday, no matter whose 'turn' it is. I really believe that by doing the right thing in the short term, you will be thankful in the long term. As a bonus, it sounds like you may even end up with both girls in the long term.
I have written about all the issues I discovered after separating and trying to deal with my ex in the following article. You are welcome to any insights you find useful:
http://www.helium.com/tm/110476/working-spouse-parent-before
1 person likes this
@theladyboo (7)
• United States
6 Mar 07
Unfortunately, it's difficult to get out of this situation without consulting an attorney. My ex went through it with his ex. When she is older she will understand what happened and realize that what went wrong. Just continue to love her and let her know that you do.
@laarni080 (127)
• Philippines
6 Mar 07
I have seen many incidents like this and in my own experience, my boyfriend has a broken family her mom and dad splitted when he is still young, and he didnt meet his father anymore and he dont know where it is right.I know how it feels that your family is not complete.
1 person likes this
@eden32 (3973)
• United States
5 Mar 07
I have been in similar situations both as the child of a divorced couple and now as an adult in a "blended" family. You could go back to court and have holidays decided by a judge. But imo if you can avoid that route, you should. It costs money, your time & you don't want your kids to see their parents arguing again/still/whatever.
What we've done for many holidays and it works great for us, is just change the date of the holiday. When I was a kid, Christmas at my father's was December 24. Relatives on his side who wanted to spend time with me, arranged to be there on Christmas Eve, we had a holiday meal & we did presents. I would go home to my mother's late in the evening and be there to spend Christmas day with the family on that side. Now with multiple sets of parents & grandparents, I have no problem celebrating a holiday the day before, the weekend after or whatever makes sense for us. What matters is sharing with your family your holiday traditions, and spending special time with your family.
1 person likes this
@anuraggoel1981 (47)
• India
5 Mar 07
ya its very true that if u have split family its very painful at times u miss family member though it can only be umderstood by who r seperated
@dua_zehra (60)
• Pakistan
5 Mar 07
i m sorrry 4 u but u r doing a good job
to see him happy u have to do so
1 person likes this
