Do you dwell on things, or do you find it easy to "move on"?

Hi Rosie.....Yes I do tend to dwell on things too long but in the end I convince myself that whatever it is thats eating into me I should just try to put it in the back of my mind and forget it, move on. Its very hard to do and I feel that the problem suddenly pops up when you least expect it and you start stewing again in your mind. The things I'm talking about are minor happenings compared to your friends problem, (should I call it that?). To go through a divorce and being left alone with children to care for must be quite daunting even though you were left with no financial expectations to worry about. I think that as a previous poster has said, your friend might need to get out and mix with a few people her own age and get back into the flow of life as a single woman as far as she can. This is somewhat hard to do I suppose and its easy for me to say what she should do but I do feel for her.

Wow that is such a shame! Granted its hard to havea life change but at least she got off well, not everyone does so she was very lucky. I guess some people find it hard to accept things have changed. I have known quite a few people who contiually talked about there ex's long after it was over and such and i wounder how you manage to stay sane! I move on reasonably well. But in the ways i dont move on it tends to be the positive rather than negative, like missing rather than hating. I used to dwell on situations alot and get myself worked up ALL the time about what i should have said or done or how they could act like that .. but ive realise it hurts nobody but myself and i find ways to occupy my brain and i guess ive kind of "re-programmed" myself to have a tiny rant in my head and then just drop it, because going on about something you cant change over and over in you head can make you feel ill with stress. I hope she learns to move on soon, it would be a dear shame!

18 months? Crikey, she does have a problem, she should move on, until she gets over him her life will stand still, she will not let anyone else have a chance and anyone who does want to get close to her, she'll drive away talking about her ex constantly. Although having said that I still thrive on the past mistakes and regrets I have made and I have let what has happened in the past affect my judgement on people, I am very very careful about who I let near me if anyone and someone will have to have a big sledgehammer to break down my wall which surrounds my heart! With a good friend like you I know you'll help her, trouble is some people are beyond help and unless she wakes up and smells the coffee she'll never change the status quo.

i always dwell on things and it is hard to move on sometimes. it depends on what situation i am facing. if something tragic like a car accident happened, it might take a day or two. but if its like rain or something, i will move on.

Hi Rosie, that's a good discussion you started there, made me think quite a bit!!! From an outsiders point of view I agree that your friend doesn't actually have much to complain about - I'd certainly change places with her ha! But then it's not always the true picture is it, she obviously is still hurting a great deal. You didn't say why they divorced so maybe that's a reson why she's finding it hard to move on. Did they marry young, was he the love of her life, did he betray her?? could be she's scared to move on, she may well have a lot of good things in her life but she could well be feeling insecure and scared inside. Maybe she needs a friend to start taking her out and about, introducing her to other men might help. It could take a long while for her to feel ready to move on as we all have to have that horrible word in our lives - yeh, that word 'closure'!!! Personally I've had loads of s**t in my life but I don't dwell on it as it isn't worth wasting my time over but I also haven't put a lot of effort into moving on with my life. I seem to spend more time being me, in this moment and time, I just want enjoy what I have and who I have around me. Anyways we are all different and we all take our own sweet time about changing our lives. Maybe she is wallowing but she'll come out of it in her own time.

If I feel I've been wronged, I am the type to dwell on it for a good few days. I'll stew and moan for that time, and when I've totally exhausted my energies (and the patience of my husband!) then I'll move on. Life's too short.

i think i'm kind of in a middle... sometimes i dwell on things too much but sometimes i just let it go and move forward... that all depends on the situation... but now i learnt to let it go more because i think it is more constructive rather than continue dwelling in the past... also, you can't be a successful person if you keep on remembering your past... we need to let go of the past, move forward and strive for the better... that's what i am trying to do now...

It all depends on how important the matter that is troubling me or that I am involved in is. In your case, quite obviously your girl has still to get a grip on herself over her past marriage, I think you should give her time, maybe subtly and celeverly shift the subject every time she brings it about without trying to make her feel that you don't like talking about her past, don't hurt her, if you do, you could drive her over the brink.

im a terrible dweller it would do me a great service if i could let things go and just move on, unfortunately its just not me, so i carry things around in my head from almost half a century ago blessed be

Living the AA way of life I can't dwell on anything for a period of time. I have very strong impulsive/compulsive traits & if I dweel on the bad things I'd be back to the bottle & pills in no time at all. So I can't dwell on anything bad. Now the good things in life we all seem to dwell on them as it's in our nature to do so. Thanks for the nice discussion also Rosie. HAPPY POSTINGS FROM GRANDPA BOB !!

I must confess I'm one of those who takes ages to get over the past. I can live with it forever until something else distracts me completely.Its not a good thing at all and I feel horrible about myself on in this aspect. Unless I choose to get out of my gloomy mood and stop thinking about the past nothing else will or as I said something should distract me. But all of a sudden I happen to snap out of it and that's how I've moved on.Strange, but true.

She had the perfect marriage in her mind except for his cheating, i think that is the stumbling block she didn't feel good enough, otherwise why would he have cheated on her! Moving forward you have to have determination and want to make a better life. I have a friend who couldn't get over his cheating and couldn't let go of the past just hang in there like a friend. I dwell on things from my childhood how i thought i was adopted as my mum was never affectionate to me i'm much better now i have my own family and feel so loved.

Until your friend quits living in the past she will never move forward. You cannot dwell on things past, it's gone and over and we cannot undo it nor can we change it. You are right she has a great deal to look forward too. It is not healthy for the kids to hear her downgrading their dad like that, even if he is a jerk or worse. He's still their dad and they love him. I hope you can get your friend to listen to you and start looking forward to the future.

I absolutely cannot allow myself to wallow and dwell on the past. Hell no! Life is far too short! I had a horrible relationship with my ex, and I was glad to finally work up the courage to break it off and make a clean start. I now have a partner that makes me happier than I've ever been before and three wonderful children. What more could I ask for? There is NO way I'll ever let the past stop me from going after what I want in the future. Why dwell on the past? It's not going to change the facts, or the situation. Your friend needs to face reality I think, and start living her life again instead of just existing.

Well I think every one is guilty of that every once in awhile, I know I am. It's hard and really what she may need is to vent it all out. Perhaps she kept it in for far too long and now that she is finally free she is still trying to release it all. Some people can't get over their past and even repeat their mistakes. I don't think there is anything that you or anyone else can do to get her to get back to her own life. Is he still a constant reminder? If their are custody conserns and visitation rights he will now be a part of her life for until the kids move out and so it may never end. You kind of got to way how long she was married against how long they have been divorced. 18 months may seem like a long time to you but to her it may be like yesterday.

I used to dwell ALOT about my ex as well, just because he left me with alot of emotional and fysical scars and also alot in debt. however I realised that I had some issues to work through - I did and the dwelling stopped. I guess for me it was important that it happened when I felt ready for it - and today - sure i think about what he did to me - and talk about it at times since it changed my life in so many ways but i do no longer dwell =)

I absolutely approve you that we should never let our past hold back our future.Nevertheless, the past may be the mother of the future and someone possibly wallow in the past so as not to enjoy nowadays life . What a pity. Maybe we only regard the past as the mirror of the future. And now it come forth a question this is how can we rid the bad infuence of the past and let the past as an incentive.It is hard to say especially when someone's past is remembered to the end of her life.

I often believe things happen for a reason and I will try to say to myself what happens to me will bring a better understanding. Such as my childhood, if I really sat and thought about it I would be in a state of depression. However, I put my experiences to some use by helping kids who I feel are having a rough time. My own experiences has given me empathy and alot of anger, but I do try my best to channel it in the right way. I am not aggressive but if I do dwell on somethings I can get too emotional and sometimes irrational. But then, nobody's perfect. I had a friend once who was like your friend. I had to cutties with her in the end as I was her agony aunt and she made me so down, because she never had a happy word to say, but would just rant on about her ex. Lifes too short. What I tend to do now, which I learnt from Paul Mckenna is whatever, or whoever is troubling you, mentally form a picture of the problem, then turn it black and white, shrink them down in size and put them in a box. I must admit it has definately worked for me on a few occasions.

Oh my if I was in her position and got all those from my ex then I would definitely rejoice and move on...I am not the kind of person who dwells on the past.I am a person who looks up to the future. especially if I have kids...I will think of them first and their future. Maybe your friend still is inlove with her husband that is why she can't let go. She has to realize her kids need her the most..

i tend to dwell on things and find it very difficult to move on...especially on something as emotionally taxing as divorce! i say your friend has every right to feel the way she does, regardless of what she got out of the divorce.