I need advice/help due falling out with my brother?
By Macthedj
@Macthedj (630)
March 9, 2007 6:18pm CST
I have an older brother who I have not spoken to in 10 years. We were quite close but had a family dispute and parted on very bad terms. Due to this rift my brother has not spoken to me or the rest of my family for all this time. He also stopped me and my mother from seeing her grandchildren. This has been heartwrenching to watch over the years as I have seen this slowly kill my mother. Now I am not defending either one of my mother and my brother but I had to take my mothers side when I was younger as a son will always do, but I did see why my brother fell out with the family and I now feel that I cannot atone for what I did to my brother when it all happened. I will admit that I lifted my hands to him but this was due to an anger that had been filling for a long time due to the way him and his wife treated our mother. As I said though I did not know the bigger picture. I completely regret ever getting involved in the first place and wish only that we could be friends again. This said I have tried in the past to speak to him but he does not even admit that he has a brother. I have now been informed that he is in hospital and is very ill, from what I have been told he may have to go through some emergency surgery, this frightens me so much, please can you help me. I love him so much but just do not know what to do.
10 people like this
27 responses
@melindagr9 (143)
• United States
10 Mar 07
Contact his wife. Let her know that you are so sorry for what happened in the past, you didnt know the whole story, and that you love your brother. You want to be there for them now, that you are scared for your brother. If she accepts you, she can be your way in to getiing your brother to forgive you. Send him flowers or balloons or a card or something before his surgery to let him know you love him. In the end though, it will be his choice alone whether or not to accept your apology. You have to be ready to accept that he may not want to forgive you.
@littlemoo (317)
• Australia
10 Mar 07
Are you able to talk to his wife at all? Or is there anyone who is close enough to both yourself, and him?
Perhaps if you could write a letter, saying what you just posted. I suggest a third person who you both can speak to help read the letter, purely because he might just tear the letter up before he reads any of it! So if you can't speak to his wife, perhaps a different mediator who is quite neutral in the matter, can help just start the communication again. That way the third person isn't putting words into your mouth, trying to explain how you feel to him. And it also sounds less like gossip, if you've handwritten your letter, when this third person takes the issue up with him. Clearly, the third person needs to be sensitive to how well he is able to cope with you contacting him at the present time.
Good luck with it. I hope you can get a good result for all parties. *hug*
3 people like this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
10 Mar 07
Go to him.His illness sounds real serious. talk to his wife first. She will know about his condition and if he wants to see you. He may have wanted to see you but he fell ill and couldn't get in touch.And if he still doesn't want to see you, at least you know how he is and you can try to keep in touch with his wife. Good Luck. I hope everything goes well.
2 people like this
@Joey322 (272)
• United States
10 Mar 07
your story is complicated with many layers. what you have written here doesn't even touch the top of the situation b/c it's been so long and consumed so many people.
however, your solution is simple. don't give him a chance to disown you. go to the hospital. be there for him, whether he wants you there or not. even if he kicks you out of the room. stand outside. wait in the waiting room. tell him that you will be there for him whether he wants you there or not. tell him that you care and love him deeply, but you were young and didn't realize the scope of your actions. ASK to be a part of his life again and promise to allow him to lead his own life and that you will never interfere again.
i wish you good things and i hope he accepts you. maybe not at first, but in time.
@ValkrieAngel (115)
• Singapore
10 Mar 07
Human Relationship is a strange thing, especially when it comes to inter-personal relationship. I guess in this instance, what you need to do will be communicating that you still love your brother.
Both hands need to cooperate in order to produce a clapping sound. Its good that you're willing to take the first step to reunite with your brother again. There is this opportunity where your brother is ill, go and be with him thru' this path which he will be taking alone.
Just staying by his side, will help to ease those scary feelings of getting operated by some unknown doctors. I believe your sincerity will move his heart and GOD will definitely bless you and your brother.
2 people like this
@LavenderPower (274)
• United States
10 Mar 07
I too have been alienated by my family...I truly believe that they like you are currently seeing what they have done and how they have behaved toward me and my children. I am you brother it seems.
What I would want, would to have my family contact me...Admit to their wrong doings, Hug me, hear my side of the story about the abuse that I encountered from my uncle and to help me do the right thing and expose him for the predetor that he is.
I am not sure of what your actual situation is, but if you have had any part in any wrong doing and treatment, admit to it, make him aware at the time, you didn't look at the big picture, but now after all this time, you do realize that you did have part in some wrong doing and ask for forgiveness. Ask him what you can do to make up for all the wrong and help him heal.
Life is too short and we need to be supports of family.
This is a poem I wrote and it may help or it may not.
Hear Me, Hug Me, Help Me,
All I need is Hope.
These are three simple gestures
that will help me Cope.
Imagine your brother writing this to you.
Safe Hugs
Patty
www.LavenderPower.org
@LavenderPower (274)
• United States
10 Mar 07
Your very welcome... I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.
Safe Hugs
@Tinaseyes (3)
• United States
10 Mar 07
Just let him know you love him, sometimes thats all it takes to begin to forgive.
1 person likes this
@laurabeth (145)
• United States
10 Mar 07
I would make it a point to see him and try to tell him what you have said here. If he wont see you or talk to you at least you will know in your heart you tried. You cant make him talk to you, but you can try to make amends.
2 people like this
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
10 Mar 07
This is a bad situation but your brother has good reasons for staying away and they must simply be respected. Try sending a card and fowers or something else that is simple and opens the door for him to speak with you, but if he chooses not to, then nothing can be done. It would only compound his feelings that your family has disrespected him all along, if you force the issue to assuage your feelings of guilt. It will be seen as yet another act of disrespect for his wishes.
2 people like this
@cjsmom (1423)
• United States
10 Mar 07
I feel for you so much. I haven't seen my sister in over 10 years; we think she lives in Nevada but can't find out for sure. She disowned her family because we said that we didn't approve of her lifestyle; we told her that we loved her and no matter what but we just didn't agree. Everybody has their own opinions and shouldn't be punished for them. My mom has been heart broken for years and I've tried very hard to find her before my mom passes with no luck. If he is still in hospital, if it were me (at least you know where he is) I'd go there and tell him how much you and the family love him; ask forgiveness and go from there, prayerfully. I pray that you'll be able to reunite soon with him. God Bless.
2 people like this
@princeworthy (1909)
• United States
10 Mar 07
Maybe you can make a plea to his wife and tell her what you have said here. Maybe then she can talk to him first. He might be more likely to listen if she talks to him first. I hope this helps you out. I too have a brother that I love dearly and I don't know what I would do if we had a falling out.
@rockyp1 (12)
• United States
10 Mar 07
This something that you have put behind you and as long as you have breath in you body be thankful for your brother.
I have tell you of a similar situation and I hope this makes you step up and do your just due.
I have a sister that I had an arguement with on a Fridy evening and I was very wrong for the argument and disputing every word that came from her. I recall after that argument seeing her walk up the street and I felt really bad. So I was on my way out to party and I didn't go home that night, that next day I got a phone call telling me that she was in coma.
I told you about that to say this; while the blood is still running warm in your veins, you have to make whatever ammends you can because if anything ever happens to him and you do not tell him you are sorry or ask for forgiveness like me you will always have that in the front of your mind, because I never got the chance to tell her how sorry I was and how much I love her, to this day I feel the loss but I can never tell her that I love her and I'm sorry. So get on top of this situation and at least do your part and try and see what develops, at least you can say you made an attempt to make things better between you guys.
1 person likes this
@honeybabe_83 (50)
• Philippines
10 Mar 07
hi, if i were you, i would keep on trying and trying to go and see him no matter if rejected or not. just do it.. make up things up to him. give heart to heart talk. if rejected, why not write a letter and show him how you feel? that way to let out from the pain inside. it will make you feel so much better if you let out the pain or regrets. everybody have regrets but if that takes years that holding the regrets, why not fix it the problem? put the family back together again once more. i'm sure he'll be more grateful if you and your mom would come to him at the hospital. also, if you keep on trying many times, he'll have to realize that you and your mother loves him very much... dont be scared of being rejected, if you love your brother, dont give up:)
good luck!:)
@koikoikoi (1246)
• United States
10 Mar 07
Well why don't you tell him what you said here. That you regret ever being involved. But he's stupid may I say because his girlfriend, wife, whatever, is their for him now but just wait till she leaves, who will he have left to run to? His mother? Oh I don't think so. And if he doesn't forgive you then don't worry about it. Because it is not you with the problem it is him.
1 person likes this
@DavidReedy (2378)
• United States
10 Mar 07
If all else fails David J. Lieberman has written some rather good books:
Make Peace With Anyone
Get Anyone to Do Anything
How to Change Anybody
I strongly recommend the top one, but all three combined may give much better psychological insight than any one person here, particularly myself, could give you.
I do know, in order to make peace with a irate critic and enemy, Benjamin Franklin once turned it into a great friendship by asking the guy for a favor... Just a thought.
Best of luck,
David A. Reedy...
@revdauphinee (5703)
• United States
10 Mar 07
print out this letter and send it to him !then it will be putting the ball in heis court he may decide he wants to respond he may not either way you will have done your part!
1 person likes this
@Stringbean (1273)
• United States
10 Mar 07
It sounds as though there was fault on both sides of the dispute. If your brother and his wife treated your mother poorly, you were right to defend her, but you may have gone too far.
Have you thought about sitting down and writing your brother a long letter explaining that you were much younger then and that you wish you could be friends again.
If he feels the same way, he could let you know and maybe you could meet somewhere alone, without any other members of the family and have coffee or something together.
Maybe, while he is in the hospital, you could send a get-well card and wishes for a speedy recovery. At least you would have made some effort to make peace no matter what happens. Hopefully he will recover and you will both have many years to look forward to.
@sugandha_sahay (52)
• India
10 Mar 07
aaaawwww.....poor fellow.....i thik u shud go n tok to ur bro n its the time for sum apologies frm ur side.....i noe its wrong to ill-treat ur mother...but at times u cannot help it......n for now.....u go to ur bro after his surgery is dun...u tok to him..n tell him tht u care bout him.....n now he must have realized ur importance in his life.....i think he'll forgive...never try to say tht he was wrong or crap....coz if he was then he might have realized by now...so try this n take care...i hope ur bro understands u!!!!
1 person likes this
@shahmeerx (368)
• Pakistan
10 Mar 07
listen the greatest way of expressin ur feelins is writin a letter,write this letter and tell him ur feelings don be urself in the letter so that he reads it clearly and tell hm in the letters plot who u r . I think that wud help:D
1 person likes this
