O.M.G I am absolutely livid!!!!
By Impervious
@Impervious (1147)
United States
March 9, 2007 10:08pm CST
I have custody of my 2 kids from previous relationship. A 16 year old dahghter and 11 year old son, and tonight my daughter comes home from her boyfriends and says that she was talking to her mother on the computer there and that she wants to go out there.
This is not the first time that this came up and I figured that well maybe she'll have to learn the hard way and let her go. Money is really bad for me right now so I said they would have to pay for it. Also considering that she has not paid a dime in child support in 4 years. I figured it was the least that she could do.
Anyway the last time that this came up my wife and I found a really good deal on a plane ticket and were gonna pay for it, but then they got all wishy washy so it never happened.
Tonight I said well let me talk to your mom, I was going to explain our situation and offer that we could split the ticket, and offer some airlines to check out. Her mom had a fit about how she doesn't want to talk to me and BLA BLA BLA....
So I said well look that's fine she doesn't want to talk fine they want you to come out tell them that they have to pay for the ticket and thats that.
My only concern is the impending disappointment AGAIN for my daughter because they will never get the ticket.
Do you think I was wrong, That I over reacted ?
10 people like this
19 responses
@arcadian (930)
• United States
11 Mar 07
Its a painful situation- and I've learned about kids that they are going to "attack"the parent they actually feel secure with (you). I don't understand this at all. the fact that her mother wouldn't even discuss this with you shows that she is sabotaging. It gratifies her ego to connect with your daughter and win her interest and even her loyalty, without taking any responsibility for her. Not taking financial responsibility tells it all. To a grown up. I would truly like to see you get some proffessional help with this- here's why. You are no doubt doing a good job by her, but she's being led to not appreciate your circumstances and the love that you have for her. Her mother has put a wedge between you and your daughter. The girl is a victim and will always blame you unless you find a skillful way to lead her to see that you love her deeply. Then she'll team up with you emotionally and draw real benefit from the knowedge that tough times or good times, you were 100% there for her. Good luck.
1 person likes this
@Impervious (1147)
• United States
11 Mar 07
WOW - I have to say that makes alot of sense, I imagine that the motive behind attacking the parent she is most secure with is more or less a product of that security. Time has shown her that while she does whatever she does I'LL be there. And I gotta tell you the part where you discribed the mothers satisfaction at gaining the daughters allegence with little or no act of responsibility or effort on her behalf was a way that I did not look at before. I do agree that my daughter is the victim here, And whether or not I am viewed as the bad guy here is really of no consequence to me, See One thing I do know without a doubt is that beneath all of the mothers rhetoric her ( my daughter ) allegence resides with me. In a few days she'll settle and come appoligize and tell me how she's mad with her mom, WHich I am supportive of the anger in the sense that she is entitled to it. I also make shure that she is respectful to her mnother. I guess that for me it comes down to a personal knowledge that I will emerge victorious. I always do.
1 person likes this
@arcadian (930)
• United States
13 Mar 07
Your real vistory, we both know, lies in your daughter's emotional growth- in her happiness and her ability to love and recognize healthy love as opposed to manipulation. I'm glad she had such a sensitive and caring parent. Her life could have been in ruins, but instead the outlook really is very positive.
@byfaithonly (10698)
• United States
10 Mar 07
Personally I don't think you did wrong, I'm sorry but if the other parent hasn't paid any child support in 4 years they are not a fit parent and I would not contribute to my child being involved in that situation or life style.
I know, you are going to be the bad guy in this whole thing, that's usually the way it goes. But if the other can't even be civil enough to talk then so be it - I might suggest getting a price for the ticket (round trip), don't worry about getting the best deal. Tell your daughter how much it will be and she can tell her mother the next time she talks to her that you will pay half of that cost but you will pick up the tickets when you receive the other half, (don't do it before - chances are she won't send the other half and then she can be the bad guy). I don't like putting kids in the middle but you were put in the middle of something when they decided without talking to you that your daughter was going...
1 person likes this
@Impervious (1147)
• United States
10 Mar 07
Yea that was going to be the deal the last time that we would split the cost of the ticket until I did some research and found that I could do it for about 200 bucks, so my wife and I discussed it and decided we would just pay for it. At the time money was ok. It was when I called to set the date with her mother that they got all wishy washy. I try hard not toi put her in the middle and have come to the conclusion that I have what I want which is my kids so she can stay on her side of the country and do her thing. Just if she wants my daughter to come out there they better shell out the cash and make the arrangements.
@lilaclady (28207)
• Australia
10 Mar 07
Well at least you tried, I think her mother was unreasonable and if cash is a bit short at this time you have to take that into consideration, it must be hard to cope with split families I am not sure I could cope...I hope things work out for you...
@Impervious (1147)
• United States
10 Mar 07
Ya know I have tried so many times to put things on some kind of good note between us and work with her. But honestly I think I am done now.
@margieanneart (26423)
• United States
10 Mar 07
You are fine. I commend you. Mother isn't showing any good character. But, the bond is tight, no matter what she will do or not do for her children. And teens can really turn on you and give you a hard time. If you feel what you said was out of emotion and hurt, then you will have to discuss it out. If you feel it was justified, stick to it. There is no right or wrong with our emotions. Just do what you think is right, and it will be. I will say a prayer for you my friend. Good luck.
1 person likes this
@Impervious (1147)
• United States
10 Mar 07
Shure I was peeved when her mother wouldn't talk to me but not because i was hurt but because I figured that this was not about me It was about our daughter. At this point I am done. They want her to come they pay for it.
@lullabell (436)
• United States
10 Mar 07
What a shame. At 16, your daughter is so impressionable and it is probably for the best she does not go. You may be broke, but you are clearly the best paerent for the job right now. A mother who does not bother to contribute a penny to her child's upbringing? and does she bother to visit? This is a young child, how can her mother be so far out of the picture? Don't talk bad about her mom to her, this will only make you look worse in your daughter's eyes. I would let her know that you don't have the money to send her to her mom's. and you wouldn't let her move out of your house no matter what. Even though a teen may think they want independance, they crave the safty of home and knowing that you love them NO MATTER WHAT. you let her know that. You tell her you would rather her live with you miseribly and forced than not know if she was ok, that it would hurt too much to not be sure she was getting every thing she needed to become the wonderful woman you know she is bound to be.
@Impervious (1147)
• United States
10 Mar 07
Just to give you an idea of the true distance I am in Pennsylvania she is in Nevada. Again I try hard never to talk bad about her mother but sometimes there is just no way to put a positive spin on things. By the way I liked the living with me miserably point, I think I'll use that
Thank you
@Caila611 (992)
• United States
10 Mar 07
as a divorcee who has custody of our daughter i would have done the same thing. I do let her see her father for who he really is on her own terms. Even though he talks bad about me to her and of course it gets back to me I don't say anything bad about him to her AT ALL. I love my daughter and i don't like to see her get hurt. But when money's tight money's tight and there's nothing that they can do about that. I hate that your daughter is going to be disappointed again but at least she is seeing who her mother really is.
@Impervious (1147)
• United States
10 Mar 07
I certainly try not to talk bad about her mother, and try to enforce a certain level of respect from my daughter towards her mother but the situation is what it is and sometimes there is no way to sugar coat it.
@bonnielass (484)
• United States
11 Mar 07
She needs to learn about her mom the hard way..and it sucks and hurts but she wont blame you. My daughter is learning the hard way about her dad. Its so sad when the other parent thinks it ok to disapear..:(
@Bee1955 (3882)
• United States
11 Mar 07
Your daughter is going to have to face reality. Her mother is playing the "I hate your father" game and the only ones who get hurt are the kids as usual.
Take your daughter aside and say you tried to talk to her mother and she wont cooperate in talking with you. Just say it like that. Explain you want to help, but financially you are strapped and cannot guarantee her mother will send the tickets. She is 16, she is old enough to know how her mother is, and has to deal with her herself from now on.
Its out of your hands.
@copperkitten (3473)
• United States
10 Mar 07
I would have done the same thing. If her mom really cared she would buy a ticket and pay support. Sorry your daughter will be disapointed but shes better of without her mom.
1 person likes this
@Impervious (1147)
• United States
10 Mar 07
When I asked the question I kinda knew that I was right but still doubted.
@jenalyn (675)
• United States
14 Mar 07
You are a lot nicer than I would be about it. If she can't pay for the tickets, then she can't see them. It isn't a power trip or a control thing nor is it your responsibility to pay for the tickets. If she can't even have an adult conversation with you to discuss the visit, then they shouldn't even be going anyway. That is rediculous. I hate talking to my daughter's biological father who has never asked to see her, but of I had to so they could arrange a visit I would. Maybe it isn't in the best interest of your children to visit her right now anyway. It sounds like she isn't a responsible adult, so it's good that she can't pay for the tickets right now. I would be glad if I were you.
Don't feel guilty. It is up to the mother for her to make a realtionship with them. You do not owe it to your children to make that happen, it isn't your place. You did the right thing by offering to help pay, but don't get trapped into paying for all of the expenses because it will be expected for every visit after too.
You definitely did not overeact.
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
11 Mar 07
You wern;t wrong. In fact you tried to do the right thing. If her mom wants her to come visit, the least she can do is pay half of the ticket! It is not your fault her mother didn't want to talk to you.If your daughter doesn't get to go, tell it was because of money not her. I hope it works out.
@LittleMel (8742)
• Canada
10 Mar 07
No I don't think so and I said that not because I am on your friend's list LOL My husband's niece is married to a guy who was divorced with two teenage kids.
I am sure if your daughter is 16 yo, she could understand your situation if you are open with her - financially I mean. If she doesn't then when she gets a job, she would understand after that. Did you tell your daughter about what happened when you got a good deal and cancelled it?
Try to make your daughter see your point of view and don't let her mother take advantage of your situation now. It seems to me that is what your ex wife is doing, using your daughter to corner you.
1 person likes this
@maildumpster (3815)
• United States
11 Mar 07
No you did not overreact. I know you want to shield your daughter but take it from a mother of a 16 yo whose father doesn't even contact her .... she needs to see her mother for what she is.
My exhubby pays support but doesn't even call her for months at a time. He has now resorted to using his banks bill pay so he won't have me scold him for not saying hi with the child support check.
I just offered him the chance to chip in to pay for a ticket to Scotland for my daughter to go see family from his side and he refused. When I calmly told him that was fine we would pay it all he says to me "yeah so you can make me look bad".
What the heck is wrong with these absent parents???
I would warn your daughter not to get her hopes up though. It will still hurt but she'll be a bit prepared.
@MJsLady (8)
• United States
10 Mar 07
Ho I don't think you over reacted. I remember seeing my niece go thrugh the same junk when her dad was supposed to visit and he never showed.
I wonder what hte ex would say if dd managed to pay for her own trip and just showed up one day.
Kudos for dealing with this intelligently!
1 person likes this
@sirensanssmile (3764)
• Netherlands
10 Mar 07
What do you mean wrong? You tried didn't you? You were civil andtried to give your daughter what she wanted right?
It isn't your fault at all that her mother was not being civil and trying to work with you on this. That is all her fault alone and hopefully your daughter will realise this sooner or later. There isn't anything you can do and I wouldn't pay the ticket price for herto go out there. That should be the mother's responsibility especially since she isn't giving you any child support.
I wouldn't pay either. You can't always put out all the effort when there is none from the other side. (Except to fill your daughters head with crap.) It is unfortunate that you have this situation and I hope it works out for you. :)
@katisaurus (1038)
• Canada
10 Mar 07
I definitely don't think you over-reacted at all! My mother's the same way, she'll NEVER talk to my dad no matter what the situation is. I was going to hawaii a few years ago and they both needed to be at the courthouse to sign a paper saying I could leave with a family I wasn't related to, and they had to do it on different days because they couldn't get along for 30 seconds 'cause my mom didn't want to see or talk to him. I'm sorry your daughter's going to be disappointed. That's really terrible of her mom to do that. If she wants her daughter to visit, she should pay the ticket, especially if you're in a situation where you're short on money. Personally, I'd take her to court if she's not paying child support. Since she should. Goodluck with this.xox
@mari61960 (4893)
• United States
10 Mar 07
I think you handled it quite well. I think at 16 your daughter is old enough that you can speak frankly to her. I would sit down and explain the situation and how you feel about it. I would ask her what she thought and just let her know how things really are. Good luck and god bless, I hope she understands.
@KrisNY (7590)
• United States
10 Mar 07
Thats too bad that her mom can't even talk with you about this- Even during splitups-- parents should still be able to talk concerning their children.
I do think you made the right decision- It's too bad that your daughter will be hurt if her mom doesn't come through with the tickets. Hopefully it will all work out for the best.
I think if you don't help your daughter she might resent it as she gets older- Its a tough call.
Good luck!
@bicklelady (1404)
• United States
10 Mar 07
No I dont think you are wrong. You went over half way with her mother. I dont understand why people dont relize that when a child is involved, it dont matter what happened in the relationship, the parents should get along. When it comes to the child, they should be able to put aside there problems and discuss the child. Can you imagine what your daughter felt like when her mom would not talk to her day about her. It is not your fault and I hope your daughter relizes it. Good luck.
