any advice would be helpful
By silkyt34
@silkyt34 (324)
United States
March 15, 2007 1:09pm CST
my daughter (19) and her fiance (24) are living with me.. she goes to college full time and so i have no problem with supporting her financially the problem is her fiance who returned from iraq in september.. he doesnt work , has only applied to the railroad where my husband is an engineer and he got rejected because he has no work history we have both told him to get a job and create a work history because the railroad is his dream job... now the problem is.. he spends hours on line on ebay buying things i mean he has spent over three thousand dollars on things from ebay ... he has never offered to pay one cent toward the bills or groceries .. now neither of my daughters belong to my current husband and no their real father doesnt pay child support never has.. but he veiws them and treats them as if they were his well he has finally reached his limit, he sat down and wrote my daughter and her fiance a letter stating that he expects him to pay 200 a month plus 1/4 of the utilities and my daughter is so mad she is refusing to speak to us now.. i agree with my husband it is not his responcibility to take care of her 24 yr old b/f.. i finally said ok 150 a month plus one utility bill.. they claim that is still to much i am furious and hurt. we both feel as if they are taking advantage of us and they dont care.. so what should i do.. tell them either pony up or move out.. i am afraid if i tell them to move once they are married and have kids i will not be allowed to see the kids because of him and his family history ( he hasnt spoken to his own grandma in over 16 yrs and she lives 3 blocks from his parents house ) so what do i do ..please any advice you have would be great because i am at my end.... sorry this post is so long but i just got done reading a similar post and just sat there and cried because i realized it was so much like my own situation i couldnt even comment on it so i gave the poster a plus.. thank you all in advance
13 people like this
37 responses
@Angelwhispers (8978)
• United States
15 Mar 07
You know you can not live your life in fear. You know what you have to do. Your husband above all deserves your support and backing. Even if your daughter gets angry and throws a tantrum she will get over it. You are her mother, we only get one mother and I can not see any daughter with in reason cutting her children out of your life. You deserve respect. Its time for the boyfreind to get off his butt and put his best foot forward. I know he served in the war but its not an excuse any longer. Good luck with this Mom.
4 people like this
@silkyt34 (324)
• United States
15 Mar 07
thank you so much for your response .. i know i cant live in fear and i know that i have been a great mom to her but the fear is there but i will definatly support my husband in this and if it means no contact with future grandkids then that will be her loss and my regret i guess
5 people like this
@coolseeds (3919)
• United States
16 Mar 07
I don't want to sound like a wise azz but it sounds like you don't charge enough rent. I bought my house so I don't have to pay rent & can slack in the winter.
He is not going to work until it is necessary. Make him get a job or move out. He has already proved that. I would have at least given you enough for 3 months expenses just so I can have a reason to slack. Not only that I would feel like a total piece of crap for mooching.
Now that I think of it... your daughter might be better off with someone else.
@Joey322 (272)
• United States
16 Mar 07
"+" for you.
very right about not backing down. now they think they have the upper hand and can call the shots.
stand your ground, mom, and they will have to make the choice themselves.
remember that it's their choice to get a job or move out....those aren't harsh choices.
1 person likes this
@coolseeds (3919)
• United States
16 Mar 07
I also think you messed up when you dropped it down to $150. Now your daughter will test you again & get her way. Doubt me?
Well you admitted she got you to drop $50 a month. I say your daughter would be better off with someone who will take care of her & maybe she needs to learn this for herself.
When I was 18 I was invincible. Now that I am 36 I see the world a little different.
If my child were over 18 they would do laundry, dishes, mow the lawn, wash my car, keep the house clean and what ever else I could think of to keep them busy. Never would a fit and able 24 year old male live in my home and not earn his keep.
I have a 38 year old cousin who doesn't work & still lives at home. Nothing wrong with him other than he doesn't work. He could have worked for me for $10 an hour but didn't want to work. Speaking of which... my girlfriend has outworked almost everyone who has worked from us. People don't want to work especially if they don't have to.
PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN. They have to earn their keep.
2 people like this
@coolseeds (3919)
• United States
16 Mar 07
Please don't ever take my CAPS as anger or yelling. It is only emphasis because I don't know how to change the color.
1 person likes this
@missybal (4490)
• United States
16 Mar 07
I don't think your request for the $200 + utility was unreasonable but you should have spoken directly to them not write a letter. I don't think it is so much your daughter you should have pay you. It needs to be him that does. Tell him if he doesn't get a job and make an effort to create some sort of savings and be responsible with money he needs to get out. I can understand your daughter living there rent free because she is in college but he needs to do something. That's similar to my husband when he came back from the military. I believe he is just in a rut where he is really fighting with what he saw in Iraq and he is trying to excape reality. You need to get it knocked out of him so he gets on with life.
3 people like this
@silkyt34 (324)
• United States
16 Mar 07
the thing is we have tried several times speaking to them about this not only one on one but all of us together and it went in one ear and out the other this was our last hope of getting thru to them.. we specifically said in the letter she was not being asked to pay anything because she is in school adn we are not trying to make it so much to be a burden on them .. all we are asking him to do is cover the expences that have went up since he has been here..and we gave him 2 almost 3 months when he came back to come back to reality before we even approached him on this subject which the first time we did he went ot his parents house and stayed there for 3 days which really upset our daughter.. but thank you for the comment and the advice
3 people like this
@Pigglies (9329)
• United States
16 Mar 07
That sounds like a VERY reasonable amount to me. I could pay that much for rent. Out here, a room is generally $500 or more. I pay for my own food and my stuff, just not rent or college (except for books sometimes). I'll even pay my own medical, plus medical of the pets. If I only had to pay $150 plus some utilities, I'd be overjoyed.
It sounds like your daughter isn't really going to leave with him if he runs off. If she does, she'll probably come right back because it sounds like he just can't get a job. She could get a job too, but wow, if that guy doesn't get one that's ridiculous... he's not doing anything by the sounds of things.
3 people like this
@silkyt34 (324)
• United States
16 Mar 07
thats what i have tried to tell them.. go find a 4 bedroom 3 bath house for that little rent because our house payment is soooo much more then that...lol i have told them both you dont realize just how lucky you are.. i told my daughter as long as she was in college she wasnt allowed to work simply because she is in a very intensive 2 yr vet tech school that only accepts 250 students per year and she was lucky to get in one girl in her class was on a 3 yr waiting list so i dont want anything to take away from her studies right now , but i told him it may not be the greatest job in the world but with no work history go to taco bell, you dont have to make a career out of it just get 6 or 9 months of work history but he wont, if he leaves i think she will go for a bit and if she is still mad at me she will go to her real fathers house until she remebers why i divorced him..lol thank you so much for the advice and i hope things go well for you
4 people like this
@mkirby624 (1598)
• United States
16 Mar 07
I don't agree that your daughter should have to pay anything, seeing as how she is in school. But the fiance should pay.
3 people like this
@silkyt34 (324)
• United States
16 Mar 07
we dont expect her to pay anything because she is in school.. we have paid for her education, we pay for her gas,insurance,parking.. we expect him to pay for the bills that have gone up since he has been here not her.. thanks for the comment
4 people like this
@chenvstony (365)
• China
16 Mar 07
I think you'd better have a talk with your daughter,you should let her know how her husband is,no money,no work,no responsibility...but it doesn't matter,which is history,he need to work hard from this moment.
@vinu123 (224)
• India
16 Mar 07
ohhk, my god so here goes your real situation.see this is going to be real battlefield cause your daughter is already engaged with him, & now he will be annoyed with the thing of being seperate. The main thing your daughter also ha denied to talk to her parents. But you all should sit together, talk about it & sort this mess out or i will be very difficult for all of you to spend rest of the life with her fiancee. well but you haven't mentioned where did they both meet, how did your daughter started liking her ? these all things really matter. i fell things will get setteled down, only if your daughter wants it. it seems not very critical issue to solve it.You wrote "they claim that is still too much i am furious & hurt.we both fee that they both are taking an advantages of us & they don't care" i suggest you not care of these two selfish fellows. What all they care & need is your money , your help. So listen to me , make them feel what they have commited to you. Ask that fellow who ain't wroking to work & if he is not willing to work throw him out of the house, i may sound so harsh, but this is how it works. I hope this has helped you.
1 person likes this
@Joey322 (272)
• United States
16 Mar 07
YES! vinu you got a "+" from me!
they are using and abusing you and your husband and not caring about YOUR feelings. if he won't at least put in job applciations SOMEWHERE, then he needs tossed. maybe he can apply to 1-2 places per week......
what was he doing in iraq anyway??? is he military? i'm lost on that one.
@NewHeart (528)
• Canada
16 Mar 07
one question comes to my mind. Why?
does your daughter not know what it costs for an apt. out in the real world. is army boy suffering from shell shock. stop supporting her boyfriend sometimes life is cruel maybe you've spoiled your kids too much by paying their way.put my kids out to work starting at 14 yea i know child labor made them bank all their money if you want designer genes go ahead you got the money $85 for rebocks both mine turned out good and have learned about life son left home at 22 is in a career in armed forces also had 60 thousand in retirement and savings got married has nice house 1 child good wife daughter has own place in another city got 1 year of university left and will be starting her career both kids love mom who is their friend me i'm the dad i've given them the smarts to stay alive and on their own out there in the world. was i mean to them don't think so just showed them the value of the buck. i'm sure some where they must still love me cause i get gifts and money in cards for fathers day birthday and Christmas. start by letting your kids buy their own things such as clothes get future son inlaw off his a$$ to pay his way let him see how cheap it is to get his own place. first and last up front or can't move in. i do feel for what your going through but believe me if you don't start to steer them the right way now they will suffer for it later... guess you think i'm a real a$$ for this answer but some where down the road you will see i was right...
2 people like this
@bosing143c (564)
• Philippines
16 Mar 07
thats pure and simple taking advantage of your kindness and that is too much. your husband is correct in her approach. i too have a son who got married two years ago to his wife who is an office worker. we got quite along well with the arrangement with my wife and her married son who is still a fulltime student. his wife will take care of the weekly groceries we needed and the monthly salary of the maid while we shoulder the schooling of our son or else they can move to another place of their own. well, it worked along fine and my son is graduating this year. why dont you try another firmer approach and dont worry about not seeing your future grandkids, its still a long way to reality...
2 people like this
@onabreak2 (1161)
• United States
16 Mar 07
Well you know your first mistake was letting the fiance move in in the first place.
Your daughter is one thing but a boyfriend or fiance is another. The fiance sounds like one of those who thinks the world owes him a living. I would tell him to get his lazy rear out and to find someone else who is willing to let him sit on the computer all day and eat their food for free.
The question is will your daughter realize he is a lazy bum before she marries him.
All kids have to learn everything the hard way but not at your expense. I would just ask him to leave since he thinks you are asking so much of him. He has already proven he has no integrity or ambition. If you do decide to let him stay there I would not reduce the rent for him one penny. Not when he can afford to go shopping on line and spend that much. Dont worry about your daughter keeping the grandkids away. The bond you have cannot be broken by him. I am sure sooner or later she will tire of him too.
@silkyt34 (324)
• United States
16 Mar 07
you are definatly right my first mistake was letting him move in, it was just to hard to say no after watching her cry and be terrified every time the news came on for over a year and when he came home i have never seen two happier peopel, we just never expected it to grow so out of control... we figured he would just want to stay home for couple of months get reaquainted with home and get back on a normal schedule but he has taken it wayyyy to far and unfortunatly she doesnt see anything wrong with him laying in bed all day on ebay while she is driving an hour and a half to and from school plus putting in 9 hours at school... she thinks thats the way it should be.. i have even asked her what happens once you get married and have kids are you going to work and leave him at home with the kids because he was in the war??? as it is now i take care of their dog while she is in school because he wont get up and let her out or play with her until its time for every one to go to bed then he wants to play with the dog... i hope if it goes any further she will see and come to realize that she is better off without him if he refuses to work.. thank you for your comment and your advice
5 people like this
@Joey322 (272)
• United States
16 Mar 07
oh man! he won't even take care of the dog!!!!!!
this guy is a LOSER. i hope she doesn't marry this idiot and finds herself a real man.
maybe she has gotten wrapped up in the "tragic" life that is the military....
you know, the newscasts, the "is he ok?", people taking pity on you b/c your b/f is in iraq...all that stuff.
that makes me mad as a military spouse.
when my husband deploys my life still goes on. sure, i worry, but it's not drama city. gosh, these young girls need to figure out what life is like before they try to play house.
3 people like this
@Carrie26 (1587)
• United States
16 Mar 07
I dont think it is wrong to ask for them to pay rent.I helped my mom and dad out when I lived with them.And when I was married and pregnant and we were having a rough time my parents let us live with them until we could get back on are feet.They didnt ask for any money but we still paid some rent as well as half utitlies.We felt that was fair.I mean the first 2 months we didnt pay anything but they understood for the first couple of months.I think that your daughters fiance should pay for the rent and half the utilties since your daughter is going to school.He is just being immature I think and not owning up to his responsibilities and thereforeit puts a burden on everyone else.I am sure the first couple of months you let them get by with paying nothing because maybe they were having a rough time.Bu tdo not feel bad for askin gfor help with the rent and utilities.I think your daughter will come around and let you see the grandkids.I wish you all the best.
@silkyt34 (324)
• United States
16 Mar 07
he is actually extremely immature for a 24 yr old.. and when he first got home we didnt ask anything of him at all not for the first 2 or 3 months actually and i mean its not like we are saying to him we are going to have the utilities turned off its just we want him to help with the expensis that have went up since he has been home.. and we (my husband and myself) have talked about it and if they do get married and have kids and need a helping hand we will be there fr them just as your parents were and we wouldnt ask for anything in return we would be more then willing to let them be here until they got on their feet.. i just have a feeling that he thinks because she is our daughter and we dont charge her anything that he shouldnt have to pay either.. thank you for the comment and the advice
4 people like this
@itsdawntoyou (42)
• United States
16 Mar 07
That is very cheap and I agree he needs to get a job and support her and himself as well. She needs to make sure he can hold down a job and everything before they get married.
From the day I started working I paid rent. My parents didn't require it but I did it anyways. I also helped them buy a house and everything but if your daughter is in school then she shouldn't have to pay but no way should they get mad for you asking her fiancee to pay rent. He needs to get a job and support himself at least.
2 people like this
@amar_sandy1987 (1876)
• India
16 Mar 07
dont take tenssion just be happy and live happy life and enjoy life how ever it is running
1 person likes this
@jay_em93 (99)
• Philippines
16 Mar 07
you are in a dilemma like most of the women i know,were you able to talk to your daughter? i mean you and your daughter alone, maybe this guy is telling her things about you and your husband without you being aware of it. She needs to understand that everything in life is not free, it is understandable for you to support your daughter financially but her fiance is a different story, they're even not married yet and even if they are he should work. you must do something about it and when you decide you stick to your word. I know whatever your decision is you'll still get hurt but tell me what you'd prefer? you straighten things out and know that it will be alright in the end or you just suffer and bear the pain, but you didn't do anything about it
@texasclassygal (5305)
• United States
16 Mar 07
I feel your pain, but you need to put your foot down or they will always walk over as they are doing now. Your husband is right, they need to be responsible for some of the bills, if they don't like it, let them try and get an apartment for $150 and only paying 1 utility bill, and I am sure you cook their meals and do their laundry (which they couldn't do on no $$). I know it sounds hard, but if you have raised your daughter right she will see how right you are (maybe not now, but in a few years). Take a deep breath and do what you need to do for them to grow up Mom, you are only hurting them by giving them too much in life. Take care
1 person likes this
@ladymoonstone143 (1507)
• United States
16 Mar 07
The guy should be so ashamed with himself. A groom-to-be should want his future in-laws to be impressed with him so that they will be at peace that he can provide well for his future wife. Building a work history, you have to start from scratch and I bet some place would hire him knowing that he just came from a tour of duty. employers would understand that as long as he is willing to learn and is hardworking.
You and your husband are right on your decision. Don't be an enabler. They should know that when they go out in the real world, bills will start coming in and you can't ignore them or else, you got no place to live or utilities.
If they don't agree with you and your husband and just ignore you both, then let them find a place to stay. Then let them pay for their own wedding. One of these days, your daughter will realized that you and your husband are just looking out for her own good.
1 person likes this
@ToniaBowen (92)
• United States
16 Mar 07
I honestly don't think you asking for rent and some utility payments is wrong. I was a senior in high school, moved in with my dad, and I went to school full time, worked part time, but I paid rent and paid for the phone bill, since I used it the most. Plus I had to pay my own car insurance, and bought my own clothes and things that I needed. That's the best thing you can do with your daughter's fiance. He needs to be responsible, and prove that he will be able to support your daughter when they get married. Don't feel bad that you've asked him to be responsible. Your daughter will one day understand why you did that. I was pretty upset back then with my dad for making me pay all that stuff, but I look back now, and I realized that he has helped me become a responsible women who can take care of herself and 2 boys without any help. He taught me how to budget and pay bills.
So, hopefully your daughter will realise this, and you'll both be happier. Best of luck... Just don't give in, make him either pay or move out!!
1 person likes this
@MsJessi (423)
• United States
16 Mar 07
Well, I agree with the first response. Tough love needs to have a big role here. It just sounds like they have gotten very comfortable in your house, and the reason your daughter got so mad is because she's shocked. They both obviously knew that they had it made, and now that your husband has decided to ask for help, they're having to face reality. This will be good for them. Obviously her boyfriend needs a real swift kick of reality...and fast. And don't worry about your daughter cutting you out, you've done nothing wrong and sooner or later, she'll realize that, with or without the boyfriend!
1 person likes this
@Tripod (105)
• Philippines
16 Mar 07
Well, since finances are such a sensitive subject I think you should talk to your daughter first. You have to confront these issues, afterall it IS your house. I'm sure it wouldn't be much of an issue if you talked to your daughter and her fiance about getting started. When you do confront the issue, start small. Do not instigate or point fingers. Empathize with them and ask them what they expect or want to do in the future and make it known that you are willing to support them etc. Then the good stuff...
@sach_pune (21)
• India
16 Mar 07
Why dont you take your daughter in confidance and speak out everything ?? what i think instead of you talk to him directly , if your daughter can do it more willingly.
