Can My Ex-Boyfriend Really Do This??
@alavenderkitty (551)
United States
October 17, 2006 7:05pm CST
We were living together for a few months when I was pregnant, but one day he got fired from his job and I started paying the rent for like a month or two. I got tired of that so I left to go live with my mother. When I finally had the baby my ex still didn't have a job and I was living 2 hours away from him. My mother would not allow him in her house, so for about 4 months I rode back and forth on the bus to let him see the baby. He recently got mad and threatened me that he was either going to take our baby away from me, or he was going to take me to court for custody. after he said that I stopped bringing my baby out to see him because I didn't want anything to happen. Am I doing the right thing? He is now calling my cell threatening to take me to court for visitation and custody, but I am scared for my baby and I don't know what to do. Ever since my son was born 7 months ago, his father didn't buy him anything...not even diapers. Everything my baby gets I buy it for him. I don't think he deserves custody. What should I do??
6 people like this
58 responses
@Sunset50 (1397)
• United States
18 Oct 06
There are alot of things unknown here, like, did he sign the birth certificate? If so then take him to court for child support now. He will have to pay all the back seven months also. Which means he has to get a job or go to jail. If he didn't sign the birth certificate then a dna will have to be done. In that case, if he files he will have to pay for the tests for all three of you. So if all this proves he is the father, and I am not saying he isn't but just saying there has to be proof for the courts, he will most likely get joint custody unless you can prove he is unfit. You will have to prove he is a danger for the baby to keep him from visitation but the courts here has to have something drastic to stop that. They might give supervised visitation if he is proven a danger to your child. All this I am saying is based on Illinois law, I don't know where you are and each state is different. Also he would have to prove you are unfit and a danger too. I wish you luck, all children deserve a chance in life by being taken care of.
1 person likes this
@alavenderkitty (551)
• United States
18 Oct 06
There you very much for your response. I am also a resident of Illinois. But he did not sign the birth certificate so I guess we will have to do dna tests. But after all this is done and if he still doesn't have a job, will the court still let him see the baby......or he has to start paying child support first?
@Sunset50 (1397)
• United States
18 Oct 06
Well, as long as he has not signed the birth certificate, or taken the dna tests, he has no right to see the baby or pay support for it either. So until that happens, you don't have to let him. If he would try to take her, you could put him in jail for kidnapping. I will ask my daughter, she has went through this already with a slight difference. She wanted her kids to know their father and insists that he has visitation. The child support goes through the state and it taken out of his paycheck before he gets the check.
@scooter1024 (1243)
• United States
18 Oct 06
First off if he didnt sign the birth certificate then he has no legal rights to the baby until he gets dna testing done to prove he is his. After that is done he will have to take you to court and have visits established. He will also be ordered to pay child support. He would have to prove you unfit as a mother to get custody of him and that is hard to do especially if you have a safe place to live and an income to support your child. They will also see that he is not helping in any way at all and that will look good on your part, bad on his. You dont have to let him have overnight visits until the baby is 2 I think. The judge will order all of that. He will also be given an amount of time to get a job and pay support or serve jail time. I had my dna tests done through the state public aid office. It took them 1 year to get it done. I would let him go to get the dna tests done so he has to pay. If he has no job he has no way of getting it done. If he tries to take your son it will be kidnapping unless he has a legal document like a birth certificate saying he is the father and has custody. Just keep doing what you are doing as far as not letting him see him. If he isnt man enough to get a job and support his child then hes not man enough to see his child. Let him worry about the rest. If he does things going definately get a lawyer to help. Good Luck. It's worth it.
2 people like this
@t33na01 (136)
• United States
18 Oct 06
If he does take you to court, get a lawyer.. I don't know much about custody laws.. but i'm sure if the judge saw that you were taking care of your son by yourself.. With NO help from him whatsoever, and he didn't have a job.. or still doesn't.. why would they give HIM custody?? Don't be scared.. He most likely won't get custody.. he could get visitation rights.. also.. you need to try and record your phone conversations with him or any voice messages.. Take all that to court. Dn't worry hun!
@alavenderkitty (551)
• United States
18 Oct 06
thank you so much. I was just real worried. My ex doesn't have a job ......not even a stable place to live. He's in and out of his friends house all the time...
@t33na01 (136)
• United States
18 Oct 06
Then im sure there is NO WAY in hell he'd get custody of your baby.. I mean first of all.. the court isn't gonna give him custody when he doesn't even have a place for the baby to stay.. probably won't even give visitation rights.. unless he has a place to live.. I don't see him getting custody of your baby.
@icantfindthespacebar (729)
• United States
20 Oct 06
He was your boyfriend, not your husband. He has no legal right over the child. As long you are not living a destructive lifestyle, teh court has no reason to give him your baby.
@Weasel_Sponge (1069)
• Canada
20 Oct 06
It's probably already been said, but your ex doesn't sound like he would get far in a custody battle-the court would simply look at his track record. Since at present you don't have a (court-ordered) visitation or child support agreement, you are not legally obligated to allow him to see your baby-nor is it your responsibility to make sure he can by your taking the bus to see him. Even if he is not allowed in your home, if he really wanted to see his child, he would make the necessary arrangements. And if he really cared, he would scrape up whatever money he could to help you. I think the courts would see you not as withholding your child from his parent, but as protecting and taking care of your child in unfortunate circumstances.
@alavenderkitty (551)
• United States
20 Oct 06
Thanks for responding. I had recently had a conversation with him over the phone and he told me he was arrested due to altercations with one of my relatives and he missed his court date. He said he now has a warrant, but is still asking me to come out and see him.
@Weasel_Sponge (1069)
• Canada
20 Oct 06
What a bonehead...isn't it amazing how much people can change; how they turn on you simply because you wish to move on and make something of your life, without them? I've had some pretty rough break-ups, but I've never become one of those pseudo-stalker vindictive crazies. I wish everyone the best and hope that they find what they need and are looking for in life. As I said, I'm not a vindictive or spiteful person, but I'd be tempted to call him at home one night and make small talk while my mom dropped a dime on him to the local police for the warrant. ;)
@lilttownmommie (1473)
• United States
19 Oct 06
If the court were to give him visitation rights express to them that you would not feel comfortable unless they were supervised visitations, but he can not get custody, unless you were doing something to endanger your child
@Ljorge (1487)
• United States
22 Oct 06
Firs thing is first, if he has no job and no way to provide for the child he can;t no way no how take custody of the child.
Besides as long as you can show that you are providing the child the best possible care available the court generally sides with the mother of the child. you are doing the right thing.
@DeenaD (2684)
• United States
18 Oct 06
I'm pretty sure that fathers have the right to sue for visitation and/or custody. You may want to speak with a lawyer.
@alavenderkitty (551)
• United States
18 Oct 06
At first I was fine to let him see the baby, but he wants to see him on his own....he doesn't want me to be there. I just don't trust him.
@busymommy (260)
• United States
19 Oct 06
I wouldnt trust him either. Is his name on the birth certificate? I think you are doing the right thing. You could talk to a lawyer just to find out where you stand. I wouldnt really worry though because he doesnt have a stable home or a job so the judge will not give him custody if he doesnt have a job, or a home. Especially if you have them.
@sillygirlsd (959)
• United States
21 Oct 06
You should get some legal advice. You don't necessarily need a lawyer you just need someone to guide you. What I would do is take him to court for child support since you two aren't living together or married. And since he hasn't held a job for a while I doubt the courts will give him custody. Then with the phone calls I would get a restraining order. My friends ex did the same thing. He called her non stop day after day so she made a police report and took him to court so now he's only allowed one phone call a day! I wouldn't be worried if I were you you seem to be doing the right thing I would do the same thing. He should of been the one supporting you and your kid at least for a while..you guys were living together..he took advantage of you...obviously if he didn't find a job while you were living together....Well anyway...I wish you the best of luck and don't worry about things...the courts usually go for the better parent and it's usually the baby's mom! SO goodluck and you don't need a jerk to be dealing with all the time!
@LovingIt (5396)
• United States
21 Oct 06
Get a good attorney. It's very unlikely under the circumstances that the child's dad would be awarded custody since he hasn't even attempted to support the child. If the case went to court most likely he would be awarded visitation and also would be forced to start paying child support.
@Sheila_Abram (1908)
• United States
21 Oct 06
I think you are doing the right thing. It is very important that you go to court and have visitation and custody rights put down on paper and legalized. God Bless
@mareefelby (149)
• Australia
18 Oct 06
You have been the sole care giver for your child since birth, so you have much more right than your ex. He hasn't even made any effort to come and see your child, you have had to transport the baby to him. If he does eventually take you to court it would be to his disadvantage as you have clearly more responsibility for the child and he will struggle to prove that he has the baby's best interests at heart. Let him take it to court as you will be better off and he may not even get visitation at all if you can convince the court you are fearful for your child's wellbeing.
@canadabis1 (1952)
• Canada
21 Oct 06
If someone tried to take my boy away from me...hell and high water wouldnt keep me from him...it sounds like court is inevitable...and as long as he pays support...he has the right to see his boy. If he doesnt...he doesnt have a leg to stand on. One thing to remember...hes threatening u with court...if hes not paying anything...go for it...call his bluff cause hes got nuthing in his corner.
@Backpack30 (924)
• United States
18 Oct 06
There is no judge on this planet who would give that idiot custody. Instead of worrying about this, talk to your Mom about it, she can help. Then, find a lawyer, meet with him, tell him everything and he/she can help you go from there.
However, if your ex is threatening you in ANY kind of harmful way, whether it be verbal or physical, report it to the police first, THEN get a lawyer.
Either way, you need a professional's help.
@Backpack30 (924)
• United States
24 Oct 06
Sure:)
And I hope everything works out for you and your son:)
@tater03 (1765)
• United States
19 Oct 06
I would take him to court for back child support. I would do this before he has a chance to sue you for coustdy. As for can he do this? Yes, i would think that he could but in the end if he has not contributed to the welfare of this child and cannot keep a job, I would thing his chances of getting coustdy are pretty slim.
@cuddlebug79705 (2003)
• United States
19 Oct 06
Have you done anything questionable in your parenting? As long as you are a god mom, you should be able to have full custody and he will only get visitation. On top of that, if he does take you to court, then he will have to pay child support, which you should be collecting from him anyway.
@alavenderkitty (551)
• United States
19 Oct 06
I was thinking about filing for child support, but my grandmother told me not to bother with it since he wasn't working anyway.....but I decided to go ahead and fill out an application for child support. I am now waiting for my hearing date to be scheduled.
@iqalburn (147)
• United States
19 Oct 06
Sorry you are going through all that. I would keep reciepts of everything I buy the baby, even reciepts for doctor visits. Keep a journal on his calls, report him to the phone company tell them he is threatening you, go as far as reporting it to the police department. Document everything he says and does. You were nice enough to even let him see the baby. Is his name on the birth certificate? If not then he has no claim, unless he takes a test to prove the baby is his and believe me that costs a lot of money. Be brave, keep your faith and take care of yourself and your baby. Good luck.
@alavenderkitty (551)
• United States
19 Oct 06
yes his name is on the birth certificate, but he did not sign it. I suppose the only way he can go through with all of this is if he has the money.......which he doesn't. Thank you very much. I am feeling much better about this situation.
@jrk0624 (406)
• United States
19 Oct 06
I've been through this if he does take you to court he's not likely to get custody but if he is the father they will give him visitation. You need to sue him for child support. My little girls dad took me to court and they did award him visitation but it's not over night he gets to see her from 9-6 every other saturday and i made him pay child support also
@KrauseHome (36448)
• United States
19 Oct 06
I would be checking into getting a Lawyer, and checking out his Parental rights. Even if you do not want this man to see his child, which in this condition, is a smart choice on your part, you might want to consider making him at least be Responsible for his actions. If he has a job, he needs to be helping support that Child as in Child support. He is the one who chose to be a Dad, and he should be held accountable for that.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of men in this world who do not want to take authority for their Actions and want everyone else to support and take care of them, and not worry about who and what they are hurting in the process. It is a Shame that there is more than cannot be done. If you play, you need to be responsible afterwards.
@alavenderkitty (551)
• United States
19 Oct 06
My mother told him almost the exact same thing, but he just wouldn't listen. He says he wants to be there for his son. But during the time I was bringing the baby to see him he never thought about buying him the things things that he needs, like diapers and clothes.
I told him the only way I would let him see our baby is if he show his support to him financially as well as physically, but that didn't happen. He told me he wanted to use the little money he did have to pay his rent and leave the rest up to me.
@pumpkinjam (8763)
• United Kingdom
20 Oct 06
Don;t worry too much. There is an almost zero chance of him getting custody. I think he would have to prove that you are an unfit mother before he could be given custody. As it is, from what you say, I can fully understand why you don;t think he should see the child. He can go for visitation rights but, first try to sort it out between the two of you. If you can't settle it, get yourself a lawyer and let him take you to court. The most likely thing to happen is that he gets something like fortnightly visits, assuming you have no valid reasons why he can't see the child at all.
