Overbearing Mum?
By Gemmygirl1
@Gemmygirl1 (2867)
Australia
March 24, 2007 2:22am CST
HELP! My Mum is a wonderful lady, don't get me wrong, but i sometimes feel she's very obsessed & overbearing when it comes to my own daughter.
When my daughter was born, my Mum offered to help clean once a week (i had a C Section so i was sore & slow) but after the 1st or 2nd week, she didn't help with the cleaning any more, she just sat on the couch holding the baby (waking the baby on a few occasions in order to hold her which i was really upset about)! I understand a 1st Grandchild is a BIG thing but this has become a little too much.
The weekly visits continued until i told her i thought fortnightly visits would be better (every other week). Well, i got a snappy response, with her getting all angry at me & telling me it was fine if we wanted to slowly cut my daughter out of her life. I was shocked. My Dad is wonderful about it all - he is happy to see my daughter whenever i drop by, it's only my Mum with the problem!
I had no intention of doing that but that's the conclusion she jumped to. Now, my daughter is almost 10 months old & we're still on a bi-weekly visiting basis. I have tried to tell her that routine visits aren't what i want, again i got a snappy response saying that i'm using her & that we're trying to cut my daughter out of her life again, plus all sorts of other things.
Can anyone tell me how i can go about fixing this? I don't mind visiting but i don't want it to be a part of a routine. I want my daughter to get excited when i say we're going to see Nana, not have her saying, 'Do we have to go?' due to going so often - How can i get my Mum to understand that visits should be every so often, not on a routine that suits her?
Sorry this is so long but i had to get it all off my chest & explain it all properly!
5 people like this
9 responses
@margieanneart (26423)
• United States
24 Mar 07
Oh honey, that is a big problem. It is a shame that your mom is not more sensitive to you. She seems to be more into herself, and what she wants. I am sorry to say that, I hope I did not hurt you or offend you. But, your mum needs to give you more space and respect you more. So, either talk to her or dad about it. If it doesn't work, she won't change, and you are upset you have two choices left. Move away, or just put your foot down and tell her how you feel and what you want. It won't be easy, but you must, or you will continue this way. The only one happy is mum and her needs. Good luck dear.
3 people like this
@margieanneart (26423)
• United States
11 Apr 07
Thank you for best response sugar. I truly hope this "mum" thing gets worked out for you.
2 people like this
@mummyofthree (2715)
•
24 Mar 07
Perhaps you could have a chat toyour dad and ask him to talk to her. I understand what you mean. Seeing the grandparents should be fun, not something that happens every wednesday.
Or perhaps you could suggest instead of fortnightly visits your mother might like to take her out and maybe have her for the night. That way she gets the regular visit she wants and you get a well earned rest to do something with your partner or just relax.
I'm sure your mum means well and perhaps is mourning the fact that she will never have any more children herself. Or she could be stark raving bonkers! (JOKE!!! Trying to make you smile!)
I'm sure it will all work out for the best.
Take care and best wishes.
3 people like this
@Gemmygirl1 (2867)
• Australia
24 Mar 07
I appreciate your advise, i hadn't thought about talking to Dad but i might just do that :)
I don't feel comfortable leaving her with anyone yet, i'm not sure why but it probably doesn't help that my parents live over an hour from here. Plus, i find my Mum doesn't always like to do things the way i like them to be done (constant holding & nursing to sleep etc) - she does everything opposite to me & then my daughter's routine kinda goes down the toilet when i get home!
You're right - she could just be bonkers!!!
Thanks :)
4 people like this
@Mickie30 (2626)
•
24 Mar 07
It sounds like your mum has mental health problems underlying and that maybe with the baby it set things off too much. It almost sounds like postnatal depression which would happen to the mother and not the grandmother. I know that men can get it though. I really think your mum has some underlying issues of her own and it is getting to the bottom of these. Perhaps if your mum got some help like counselling she wouldn't be as bad. She sounds really insecure because she really wants a part in your babies life. Can you try reassuring her that you love her and want her to be a part of your babies life, but not be too overbearing. Choose your words carefully and if you can get her to see someone. There is some reason why she is like this it may stem back to past experiences. I had a C section too I had preeclampsia and was very ill but, my mum has always been there sometimes she was a bit interferring but, she has helped so much and I feel sad for you that you are missing out on this.
@Gemmygirl1 (2867)
• Australia
24 Mar 07
My Mum does help me out a LOT but i also think all her extra helping out makes her feel as though she should be entitled to have more time with my daughter, which is why she said she's things like she's only good enough when i want something.
I'm not sure about the mental problems but yeah i sense the insecurity thing too - i don't know what she's expecting though, she's my daughter's Nana & i want them to have a relationship i just need her to back off a little & kind of let me be the Mum, you know?
Thanks for your advise though, much appreciated :)
3 people like this
@jchampany (1130)
• United States
3 Apr 07
Well, I understand how you are feeling. You are feeling more like she doesn't think that you can handle things but you know that you can. So you tell her you don't need her to come by so often and she has a fit. Been there, and I agree that you want unscheduled visits. Routine is good for children but not everything has to be a routine. Especially when she comes over and wakes the baby or disrupts what you have going on in your home. My mom is a big part of my life and therefor my childrens lives but we always generally go to see them. My mom came to visit me last month after we moved farther away. She stayed for 2 weeks. I couldn't wait for her to leave, but I was sad she was leaving at the same time. My house was going to get back to normal but my mom was going to be gone. I got alot of the "well, this is how I do it." I started saying "well, that's not how I do it." Unfortuantely I don't have any good advice. Just sympathy.
2 people like this
@Gemmygirl1 (2867)
• Australia
4 Apr 07
I appreciate the sympathy :)
I think the problem is more than i am expected to go down there every other week. I'd rather she wasn't up here coz all she does is pick - she's a neat freak so my clean is never clean enough!
I think i'm more sour on the whole thing coz we cant even be a family on our own - well we're a family but my Mum seems to think that because we see our daughter all the time, any day we're going there is her day & we have to be there bright & early, i don't get to do anything coz Mum has to do it - this also applies to Holidays - i'm dreading Easter this weekend coz my Mum wants us there early - which means we cant have our own time Easter morning, you know? What makes it worse is that my partner has the day off & wont even get to see his daughter - he wont come down to my parents place, he's had enough!
I think i just need my Mum to understand that she's not the mother any more, so i need her to back off a bit & let me be the Mum!
Thank You :)
3 people like this
@toolfan (305)
• United States
25 Mar 07
I hear where you are coming from. When my daughter was born, it was the exact opposite, though. I couldn't get my mom to come over at all because she was worried that she would be interfering with our family time. I have run into this before with my Mother-In-Law though, and I had to explain to her that this was the time for my wife and I to find out what it was like to be parents. We had to establish and build the relationship with out daughter together. Your mom should at least respect your request, even if she gets upset about it. We should also remember that this is her granddaughter, and she loves her. Maybe she doesn't realize that this is bothering you so much? I would think about the way that you are going to present it to her. Find a way that doesn't seem abrasive to her, and shem might just oblige. Good luck with that!
@jspellman04 (4)
• United States
17 Apr 07
Wow, we have the exact same issue going on with my mom and dad. We have a 10 week old boy at home. I had to tell them the truth and tell them that we need to have planned and set times to visit. We need our time alone also. It did not go very well, but over time it has gotten better and I think they have also begun to realize the reasons behind it.
1 person likes this
@danishcanadian (28953)
• Canada
18 Apr 07
Your mother IS overbearing, and she is the one who needs to make the changes. Tell her you enjoy having her around occasionally but that she is being way too intrusive, the way she is waking the baby, and invading your space. Yes, a grandchild is a big thing, but she is only thinking of herself, not the way she is invading YOUR space. Tell her you know she means well, but that this is too much and she is going to have to back off, if she wants to see your child.
@cherriemae (3370)
• Philippines
16 Apr 07
i understand your mother..specially that, your kid is their first grandchild..my mom too, is like that..grandpas and grandmas are very excited to have a new grandchild in the family.. dont be get angry with your mom just because she wanted to have that visits routine..girl, come to think of it, they are already old and we dont know the time that they will go..just give the little happiness they wanted because they need that, to be happy sometimes..ok..
@sunnyzhyp (13)
• China
22 Apr 07
I can understand your situation compeletly. I have a 7-monthe-old son and I met almost the same as yours. But my pb is from my mother-in-law,my husband's mum. She is very overbearing and stubborn. She even said something crazy during I was suffering birth pangs.And after my son was born, she didn't help me much. She didn't do the cleaning and just help cooking. And I have to take care of the baby by myself. But she always pointed out what I should do and what I shouldn't, but never do anything for me. Even if I sit down and talk with her, it didn't work. And she always think she is right bcz she have more experiences than us. In the 1st month after my son's birth, I always bear all these.
I really hate her unitl now. She even result in bad relationship between me and my husband.
