what can i do?
By aretha
@aretha (2538)
United States
April 4, 2007 7:50pm CST
ok as most of you know i am a stay at home mom of 3 boys. my husband came home from the war on september 26th. he is really a great person and has always put his family first. however he is having a really hard time with what he had seen and done in iraq. i want him to go get help but he don't think he needs it,he says he can handle it. ha what a joke his way to handle it is becoming an acoholic. i grew up with alcholics and will not let my kids! he don't just have a couple of beers either, he will drink a bottle of vodka straght. not with anything and he can have it gone in about an hour. hes not mean or anything more loving if anything but i can't stand him around me when hes drinking. hes loud and i hate that. i have tried talking to him but he just don't see it. i would love to leave but have no place to go and no money to get back home. last week he spent alot of money on vodka so this week i took all our money out of the account and just told him i had alot of bills and he spent all our extra from last week. i hate it but i thopugt maybe that would stop him from drinking again for awhile. wrong he came home with a bottle he most of had money in his wallet. now he don't feel good and wants me to feel sorry for him. i have 3 kids to take care of i don't need to tend to him too. i am sorry just need to vent a little. i am just tired of it and out of ideas. i have been working hard on the computer trying to get the money to go home but no luck.
11 people like this
13 responses
@lightningMD (5931)
• United States
5 Apr 07
you need to ask yourself do i love this man..and if you do then your going to have to fight for your marriage...even if he wont go get help you can...if you explain to your husband that he either gets help our your going home it might convince him that your serious and he might agree to counselling...good luck i hope you can find away to save your marriage...
2 people like this
@aretha (2538)
• United States
5 Apr 07
i am gonna try like hell. i just emember life with a father that drank alot and it really sucked. i will not allow my kids to have that same feeling. i have not spoke to my father in years and i don't want my kids to feel the same. i think if he would talk to someone things could be better. i know he is always going to have the pictures in his head of what he seen and had to do. i just think he needs help to deal with it and put it to the back so he can live today with us and not live that year over and over again. i am gonna try my best. thank you for the advice
@missybal (4490)
• United States
5 Apr 07
Take away all the money and all the credit cards too. You should at least have a credit card to be able to use to get yourself and your kids out of there. I think that you leaving him for a while is about the only way that you are going to be able to knock some sense into him. You need to find a way to do it. I'm sure that he will get his act together if he really thinks he might lose you.
2 people like this
@aretha (2538)
• United States
5 Apr 07
that is what i was thinking that if i left he would see what was more important and see he needs the help. we don't have credit cards other then the ones for our bank account. i am gonna do what i can for now until i can get him to see or until i have to leave for him to see. thank you for your advice
@marlyse (1056)
• Switzerland
5 Apr 07
awwwww poor girl. my feelings are with you. dont you have a support for family members from returners from the wars? maybe they can help you and support you. i didnt realize how hard this all is for all of you till i did read your story. its so sad, that people have to suffer this way. i hope you find a solution and i pray fro you. just listen to your heart and do what you think is best. i wish you luck and hopefully a hubby who thinks about what he does. hugs for you
@aretha (2538)
• United States
5 Apr 07
thank you so much!
they do have support for soldiers that have been deployed. i have called them and they want him to come in but he don't think he needs it or that anyone can help. i am trying my best, i hate it and want him to see what has to happen but he don't want to see it. the next thing was to leave and hope he relized it wasn't worth it. the only problem was i have no place to go here and don't have the money to get home. i am gonna make a call and hope it helps. thank you
1 person likes this
@msmonkeyfeet (789)
• United States
5 Apr 07
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a rough time. Perhaps your husband needs to be put in some sort of rehab program for his drinking problem as well as for the psychological problems he seems to have as a result of being in a war. He probably won't accept the idea of getting help right away but if he really loves you and your children he should do it. You might even have to force him to do it and he may resent you for it for awhile but I think in the end he'll thank you and see that it was the right thing to do for everyone involved. Good luck!
2 people like this
@aretha (2538)
• United States
5 Apr 07
my way of forcing him was to leave. he would have to make a choice. i think if he just went to talk to someone about it all it would help but he don't think it will. he says no one can understand and he can handle it. i have talked and tried to make him see that there is a problem but he just don't want to see it. i will keep trying and hope it sinks in. thank you very much
@Michele21 (3093)
• United States
5 Apr 07
I am so sorry, that is just terrible!! He is drinking alot in such a short time!! Is he still in the military?? If so you could contact his supervisor (the First Shirt) or whatever and let them know that you are really concerned about him and want him to get help but that he won't listen to you. Other than that I don't know, just keep saving up money so you can leave. It will be really hard, especially with three boys but it will be better than staying in the situation you are in! Good luck!
1 person likes this
@hey_baby (425)
• Philippines
5 Apr 07
ok, first of all, you need to talk to your husband straight. explain to him your current situation. tell him you sympathize and understands what he is feeling from what he experienced. but that was the past. ask him what he wants his kids to become, and tell him he needs to come back to the present. the past teaches a lesson, but it doesnt do any good if he sulks on it. your kid needs him.
if that doesn't work, well then, you should think about your kids first. your husband is old enough to know better. you're that only one your kids can hang on to. goodluck.
1 person likes this
@jmp824 (741)
• Philippines
5 Apr 07
Try to convince your husband to attend to some kind of gathering just like a counselling group. Use your charm to convince your husband, im pretty sure you know how to weaken your man's heart., YOu should know it, cos you've been married for sometime now already. Attend a family counselling so your husband can get fresh new ideas on how to deal those kind of situations. Or try to visit a doctor they will know whats goin on with your husband. Seek some help from your relatives.
1 person likes this
@aretha (2538)
• United States
5 Apr 07
thank you i have tried my hardest to talk him in to going to see someone but its not working. i have tried it all but nothing is working. but i think until he relizes i am not gonna get far with him. i have talked to an aunt of my but all our family is states away. if i tell his family its just another reason for them to put him down and i think that will make it worse. thank you
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
5 Apr 07
I think there should be a madatory program for these guys when they get home. It is no fault of his own and you have to understand. They go and see all the horrible things and come home and they are supposed to go on like they were never there. I'm sure it is all to make it so he doesn't have to deal with it and relax him so he doesn't have to dream about it. I have no answers except to be patient and keep trying. I feel so bad for these guys and girls when they come home. We don't give them the help that they desperately need. Don't give up!! Does he realize that you are ready to leave? I'm sure he is doing this so that he doesn't have to feel anything. It is not an excuse and is not the way to deal, but it is reality. He has seen more than any of us can even imagine in our most horrible dreams.
1 person likes this
@aretha (2538)
• United States
5 Apr 07
i have said that so many times,if they made it mandatory then they could ajust so much better but right now they seem like they just don't care. i know its not his falt and i do understand that he has gone through hell but he needs help. how can i make him see that? i want my husband back and he is so far gone right now i have no clue what to do. i have told him i will not allow him to drink his life away by just standing here and watching him. i told him i would not do it i would leave first and i wasn't far from it. he just sits there and acts like i am not even talking to him. i have givin up really talking. i know that he has seen this that i couldn't imagin,i found pictures on the laptop and it was like seeing pictures from a horror movie. i couldn't imagin seeing what happen to lead to them. i just need to know what to do to make him see he needs help.
@altair_dip (807)
• India
5 Apr 07
u r in very difficult position... but ur kids come first... u cant force ur hubby to get help.. u have to be very calm and coll and think of other options u have .. does he have friends who could help him..or family...
@mnflower (1299)
• United States
5 Apr 07
I am sure there are support groups that your husband could go to for just being out of the war. He does really need to get help maybe you need to call his parents and see if they could talk to him about it..This is serious stuff that he is going through, sure drinking makes it better for the moment but seriously you have to find someway to get through to him, you leaving is just going to push him over the edge and make things worse I am afraid. It is a touchy situation dear and maybe you should try to find a support group and talk to someone from there and ask them if they have any suggestions for you to help him.I know it is tough with 3 kids but if you love him, you wont run away from him nor take his kids from him, he has seen enough of that in iraq. you need to try to take action and find someone to come in and help you with this yourself...
@aretha (2538)
• United States
5 Apr 07
thank you and you are right there are tons of places for him to go but i can't make him. drinking does help him for the time but it makes it worse for all of us. i want and have talked till i couldn't talk anymore and begged him to go,he says he is ok he can handle it. i don't want to leave cuz i am so afraid of what will happen but in the past when he hooked up with some not so good people i kept telling him but nothing worked till i left. that was before we had kids. it worked he was there the next day and had thought about it all the night i was gone. i thought maybe if i left this time he would see what was more important and he needed help. i have talked to people here and called around but they all want him to come with me and he don't think he needs the help. he is a great great man i have nothing bad to say other then his drinking. i just can't get him to see or admit he needs it. i think he knows deep down but won't admit it. thank you again
1 person likes this
@maribel1218 (3085)
• Philippines
7 Apr 07
Blessed your heart for being so understanding wife to your husband and so sorry to hear about your husband hobby my friend.
I read all the respond and I can say mostly the advice was a outstanding I can only add a little, how about call the camp or the military base and ask for the number of his CO because as you mentioned in the previous respond you are trying to search for his plt sgt. number but nowhere to found then maybe you can have it thru the military office near your place or the head office so you can contact somebody that will talk to him about your concern.
I really think it is not an excuse for him to drink and drink because he wants too, he should really think of you and youre family and his health as well.
My only immediate help can offer is my prayers, I will include you and your family in my daily petitions that god will make a way to touch your husband and will wake up one day realizing his not on the right track.
God bless my friend and keep the faith to god, because he never fails those who believes and trust in him.
@mossjanicelynn (1240)
• United States
5 Apr 07
My husband did two tours in Korea, starting drinking then and has never stopped. That was 8 years ago. His drinking is under control and has found things to do with his time. But sometimes I worry about his health and his attitude. We have our own business, because after being a Drill SGT at Ft. Sill the man cannot take orders from anyone, just hang out a little longer till he finds his nitch or something else to do that satisfies him, maybe it will work it self out. Good Luck girl
1 person likes this
@kurtbiewald (2625)
• United States
5 Apr 07
perhaps a wee bit o whiskey for everyone involved
especially for the grandpa
then when he wakes in a few days ask him what to do
