Yikes! Teenage Romance Concerns...
@HeavenUnaware (1757)
United States
April 8, 2007 12:29pm CST
I have a 16 year old son. He's an awesome kid with a good head on his shoulders. BUT he is a typical teen in the aspect of girls. He's just recently started to really notice them and vice versa.
Now here's my issue at the moment.
He met this girl through mutual friends. I should state that they haven't actually 'met' - they have had a ton of phone conversations that last hours and text messages. She is 1 year younger than him and goes to a rival high school on the other side of town.
When I asked him about the phone calls, he told me about her and also showed me a couple of pictures she sent him on his phone. She looks like a cute girl but a little on the wild side based on her pictures and from things my son has told me.
Anyhow, I figured I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. My son seems to like her. Says she's cool. She wanted to go to the movies with him last week and also hang out at the mall but he couldn't both times.
So, being a "MySpace Mom" - I asked him what her full name was so I could see her page. He told me her name but he knows she doesn't have her page under her correct name so wouldn't find anything. He also would not tell me how to find her because apparently I won't 'approve' of some of the content on her page. Now, I've seen alot of teen pages and I'm a little more open than some parents might be and understanding about how teens act online and such so for him to keep her page 'hidden' from me threw up red flags on my Mom Meter.
I let it go.
But just a few moments ago, I did some searching and found her. He's right, I wouldn't approve. She's 15 and her headline on MySpace says something along the lines of wanting a guy to lick her ______. I'll let you fill in the blank.
Before someone tells me I was wrong to go snooping, save it. I don't care - he's my son and I want to know what types of people are involved in his life. Ultimately the decision comes down to him but that doesn't mean I can't give him my two cents. I've spent the past 16 years protecting and guiding this young man. This is just one more way of parenting him in my opinion.
I guess I just need to rant because I can not for the life of me understand how young women today can have such little self-respect as to post something like that for the whole world to see.
I'm a little upset that my son would choose to give a girl like that his time. I know I've raised him better than that.
Thanks for letting me vent.
:]
7 people like this
17 responses
@SpitFire179 (2536)
• Canada
9 Apr 07
Hunni, do you trust your son?
If you trust your son, and the morals, ideas, thoughts, beliefs, and well being that you have instilled in him, let him make his choices now. Trust him to do what's right, and what is best for him.
The problem so many parents make, is that their TOO good of parents, and okay this may not sound right, and no, I'm not a mother yet, but i know this for a fact.
If the parent goes on making all the choices for the child, not letting the child see that it's time for them to go out making that choice, when it's time for that child to mature properly, and make those decisions for himself, he will fail, make the wrong one, and come back for help.
My point here is that i think maybe it's time for you to take your worry, nerves and frustrations, back up a step and watch the son you have raised from a seed, let him spread his wings, and use all the lessons you have taught him. In the long run, it will help you and him.
Please don't take offense to this, there was none intended, and this is just MY opinion.
I wish you well, and your worry, it's natural.
2 people like this
@lov_hacker (121)
• United States
9 Apr 07
hmm by reading all og ur comments i am seriously thinking that your son will soon be wanting that girl (sadly ) i knew u might not belive it but it is true.he is 16 ....a young boy who is really crazy about girls like all people in this age .....
from my side try to negotiate with him (there is a 100 percent chance he will not listen to u no matter how good he is ) guide him with reasons that this is not the girl he may have ....
as u told us that girls myspace profile is a bit too serious ..i mean 14-15 year girl and ____ .its a bit sad and also concerning matter ...after all u r the mother u can look up your boy but cant follow the girl always ....
so make sure your boy always remains one good boy anduntil he is big enough to make serious relationships he must concerned to work up just on friendship not anything else ....
u r a women u knew what a girl thinks at her teen life !! .....sorry to say that but boys and girls both at this age are very frustrated only good friends and close parental relationship with them can save them from falling !!
wishing good luck dont be strick to him .....or he will deny u ...try to just listen to his points and give strong reasons from ur side to defend ....he will surely listen
after all teenage comes with trouble...after all it is natural process ...this have to be happen but on the right time would be far better then now :)
Good luck
1 person likes this
@HeavenUnaware (1757)
• United States
9 Apr 07
Spitfire - I respect and appreciate that you took the time to respond to this discussion. I want to say that I agree and disagree with you on certain points.
Firstly, yes I trust my son - which is why I am allowing him to make the final decision regarding his relationship with this young lady. I have always given him the ultimate decision when it comes to most things in his life as long as it's not going to seriously harm him. I guide him and give him my opinion and let him take from it what he wants.
That doesn't mean I'm not going to stay aware and involved in who is in his life. I wouldn't be a good mother if I just let him make all his own decisions without any guidance from me and his father. He is only 16 - still a minor in the eyes of the world and still wet behind the ears when it comes to females.
My fear, and I've had alot of female friends watch this fear materialize before their eyes and then watch as they stood helplessly by the side and couldn't do anything about it, is that my son is going to be whipped by this girl because she is the first cute girl who is giving him the time of day and he will be influenced by her.. and based on her statement on her MySpace she is most likely sexually active. I'd rather not take that risk with him. Not in today's world.
Anyhow, I do agree that he needs to make his own choice in this world so that he can grow as a person and learn to stand on his own two feet but that doesn't mean I can't give him my opinion.
I'm 36 years old and I still turn to my own father for some of the decisions I make in my life. I can't imagine not turning to him. He loves me and has my best interest at heart. I also wouldn't fault my father if he spoke up if he saw me about to make a bad choice in my life. That's what family is for - at least my family. And my son is no different. If his cousins saw this girls page - and rest assured, if they got serious .. she would be listed as one of his 'friends' on MySpace - right along next to his cousins that are already his 'friends'. They would lay into him so fast about what type of girls he's hanging out with let alone serious about. I just want him to think about these things. That's all.
Thanks again for your response!
1 person likes this
@SpitFire179 (2536)
• Canada
10 Apr 07
Sorry, i guess i worded that a bit wrong, you can guide him all you want, because your right, you wouldn't be a good mother without giving him quidance at the same time as allowing him to make his decisions.
You sound like a wonderful mother, And though this boy has his hormones raging, possibly in all the wrong ways, he will learn from whatever he choses. Just be there for him if he falls.
And be there to guide him, and nudge him in the right decision.
If my response didn't do anything for you but say what you already know, i hope that it just opened your eyes to what goes on inside your head, so that you can listen to both your head and your heart on matters like this,
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (58676)
• Delhi, India
9 Apr 07
Diana, Wonderful descrption (as always) and a bold remarks by you what you feel about your teenage son. I think most of us who have teenage daughters or sons would thinking on the same lines, on which you are thinking and we would like to protect our wards from the evils of the society. But I feel that we can only guide them, can tell them plus and minus points...........pros and cons......if they are able to understand our points.... we should consider ourselves lucky....... andif they do not get it....then I think we become helpless. (+) rated.
Deepak
2 people like this
@HeavenUnaware (1757)
• United States
9 Apr 07
Deepak - thank you for your response. I think most concerned parents that care about their children and the people they associate with would feel the same as I do. I've spent too much time and energy in raising my son to make better choices so I'm just a little disappointed in him about this choice.
Thank you again for your response. Rated (+) as always!
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (58676)
• Delhi, India
24 Apr 07
Thanks for liking and appreciating my reply. YOu are always sweet and kind to me.
Deepak
@foxyfire33 (10005)
• United States
9 Apr 07
Don't worry about snooping, as a mom you have to do these things. I do it all the time and they aren't even "actually" my kids. My s/o has a 14 year old daughter and a 16 year old son. Her page and most of her friends seem alright (except that she lists herself as 16 which could be asking for trouble). His page is questionable but still nothing compared to some of his friends (especially the girls) pages. If I have to see one more picture of a 14-15 year old girl posing on her bed like she's about to strip for the camera....well you know what I mean. I don't know how so many of these girls lost their self respect to do things like that. You're right that ultimately it's up to him who he chooses to associate with but that doesn't mean you can't be involved too. If you know what kinds of friends you're dealing with, you'll be able to watch out for problems. I think it's better to be PROACTIVE rather than REACTIVE. Unfortunately for me, all the information I gather does no good because my s/o is reactive at best. But at least when the bad situations happen because the people who were supposed to be watching out for it chose to not do anything, I can sit back know that I saw it coming and hope that next time they listen to me.
2 people like this
@HeavenUnaware (1757)
• United States
9 Apr 07
Thank you for your response. I'm glad you understand what I mean about SOME of the girls that post on MySpace and the pictures they post as well. Between the overly exposed pictures and the things they write, it's a wonder if they have parents at all. Sometimes I feel like the only parent that is active in my son's life and what he is doing online, who his friends are and who he is mingling with. In today's world, I can't imagine not being this way. It's too dangerous not to be active and aware. Some call it snooping, like I said.. I don't care. He's my son and if something happens to him - it's going to be ME that is going to suffer.
I agree with you, Proactive is 100% better than Reactive.
Thanks again for your response!
1 person likes this
@wildhorse (1293)
• Egypt
10 Apr 07
first I think it's ok to snoop in your case :) And you are right when you worry about this young lady and her possible effect on your son, I don't know what top advice but as you said she is his first love or first affection, he may move on soon enough when he meets better one. if you will interfere with strict orders it may only complicate things.
@HeavenUnaware (1757)
• United States
12 Apr 07
Thanks for your response!
I think he is already moving past this.. thankfully!
1 person likes this
@wachit14 (3595)
• United States
9 Apr 07
I can understand where you are coming from. My son went through a similar situation when he was fifteen. Initially I also thought this girl was very sweet and bright, but being a snooping mom myself (hey, you have to when you've got teenagers), I found myself reading several letters she wrote to him and they were rated "X". Unfortunately, this girl had no mother, so I cut her a little slack, however, they both needed to adhere to certain rules when they were in our home. I also realized that preventing him from seeing this girl would only make him want to see her more, so I kept out of it as much as I could and eventually the relationship ran its course. I think he learned a lesson from the whole experience and three years later he is a little more selective. My daughter went through the same phase by the way with her first boyfriend and she sobered up very quickly. What my children have taught me is to love them unconditionally and support them without judgment. If we raise them right, they will learn from their mistakes and that's all we can really hope for in the overall scheme of things.
2 people like this
@HeavenUnaware (1757)
• United States
9 Apr 07
Thanks for your response from one snooping mom to another :]
This girl sounds a little like the girl you mentioned. She doesn't have a mom and is apparently raising herself.
I talked to my son yesterday afternoon. We had a nice long talk about this girl and his life.. his choices, his future goals, what his intentions are etc. He was very open with me about his feelings and I did the same with him. He listened and even had tears in his eyes at one point because he knew this wasn't the type of girl that he was really interested in but she is cute and is giving him attention so it was easy to 'like' her. He admitted that he wouldn't want his family to see the things she had written or the way she acts. He is SUPER close to his cousins, since he is an only child - they are like his siblings and he looks up to them (they are older) and I asked him how he would feel if they saw her page - is that the type of girl he would want them to see him involved with.
I told him I wasn't going to pick his friends or his girlfriends but I would be disappointed in him if he chose to give his time and attention to a girl like that and I wouldn't approve of her.
He knows I really wanted her to be a 'good girl' - I was ready to scrape up the money so he could take her to the movies or find a way so she could come and see some of his sports games at school etc. So it's not about not liking any girl that is in his life - it's just this type of girl.
I agree with you, hopefully we raise them right, they learn from their mistakes and things work out for the best.
Thank you for your response!!
1 person likes this
@simleung (2)
• China
9 Apr 07
Don't worry too much. I'm not a parent, but I've been a teenager before. I know parents are always facing this kind of problem. I think the most important thing by now is to talk with him about exactly what you think sincerely. Let him know your opinion on this matter. Of course, he won't take all your advice. Just show your confidence in him and tell him he deserves a honest and beautiful girl. Remeber don't tell him you've tried hard to find that girl's page, because he may think you are 'prying' into his 'private life'. Besides, don't show your disapproval of that girl's behaviour directly. Teenagers tend to do things against their parents' will.
Everything will go well and wish you good luck
2 people like this
@GardenGerty (160708)
• United States
9 Apr 07
If it was my son, I would be ranting right along side of you. It is a lot of shock value when they post things like that, but even if she did not mean it, someone is likely to think she does. I would have been snooping with you as well. I will not ever understand this behavior.
1 person likes this
@HeavenUnaware (1757)
• United States
9 Apr 07
Thank you for your response!
It's nice to know you understand. I can't imagine a girl that isn't sexually active posting what this girl has as her headline on MySpace. It screams 'sexually active' to me - but who knows. Either way, it shows a lack of self-respect if nothing else.
Thanks again!
1 person likes this
@Bunny2 (2102)
• Australia
9 Apr 07
I don't as a rule go snooping either, but in this case I feel you are more than justified. I have no idea what you can do about it though. I agree, some "young ladies" are far from that and it turns my stomach too. I have to wonder about her homelife - how was she raised, etc. And I'd be worried baout my son too - heck, my 17 yr old twins have girlfriends and I worry and have lots of issued about all sorts of things. I suppose, in the end, we can hope that as you said, "I know I've raised him better than that" and that will shine through in the end.
From one nervous mother of three teenage sons to another mother one at least one 16 yr old son, {{{{{HUGS}}}}}
1 person likes this
@HeavenUnaware (1757)
• United States
9 Apr 07
Thank you for your response Bunny :]
You're right, hopefully it comes back to how they've been raised and in the end they make smart choices when the time is needed.
From what I've learned, she doesn't have the best homelife. She's being raised by her father - her mom isn't in the picture. She has a brother 2 years older and 1 a year younger. It alarms me that she would have no problem writing what she did and that her brothers have no concern that their sister is saying things like that. It just doesn't sound like the kind of family that really cares too much about each other.
Thanks again for your response.
1 person likes this
@p8ntballr21 (857)
• United States
16 Apr 07
I'm a teenager and I know my parents snoop around on me every now and then. I do not get upset because I know they are doing their job as a parent.
However, you have to let your son start making choices on his own. As soon as he makes one small mistake, that is when you step in and take over for him.
Maybe this girl isn't as wild and crazy as you think, afteral they say dont judge a book by its cover...
1 person likes this
@HeavenUnaware (1757)
• United States
16 Apr 07
Hi p8ntballr (my son is into paintballing too) :]
Thank you for your response. I value everyone's opinion and in this case, it's nice to see the view point from a teens eyes as well.
I'm not sure you read the other responses I wrote, though, because if you did - you might see that I wasn't judging her by her looks alone (her cover) and based on things my son revealed to me and I saw with my own eyes, I think she IS either as wild as she portrays herself or wants to be that wild.
Either way, my feeling is - if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, sounds like a duck and is posting on a public board like MySpace proclaiming it IS a duck.. then I'm going to guess that it is in fact, a duck. I can only make an opinon of her on what she has put out there for others to see. What she put out there screams "I'm a teenage girl who is sexually active and I have no problem expressing it out in the open right next to my picture, my name and my city for the whole world to see".
I do not normally judge people based on looks alone - I was ready to give this girl the benefit of the doubt until I saw her MySpace headline. No parent of a teen son, in their right mind, wouldn't be concerned that their son was interested in a girl like that.
And as I said in my earlier postings, I did give my son the final decision and I left it in his hands to figure out what kind of girl she was. I was just guiding him and giving him my own personal opinion of her but I let him know that it wasn't my choice to make - he picks his own friends and his own girlfriends, doesn't mean I have to be happy about his choices and I will never bite my tongue when it comes to my son. I expect the same from him with me.
I'm glad to see you don't hold it against your parents for keeping tabs on you. They sound like good parents to me.
:]
Thanks again for your response! I hope to see more of your views on the boards here.
Take Care
@cjthedog64 (1552)
• United States
12 Apr 07
Hey Diana! I'm sure your son knows what the word means, at least in a general way. He is a teenage boy, afterall. :) But from what I know about him, I doubt if he'd get really interested in this type of girl. He seems like he's got a good head on his shoulders. While she might seem interesting to him at first, she also sounds pretty pushy and that doesn't seem like what he's into. I think you're 100% right to snoop on her myspace. If it's out there, they want someone to read it.
My SS is 15, almost 16, and doesn't talk about girls much at all. In fact, I was wondering if he might be gay. But I'm doubting that. I found a bunch of notes from a girl in his room. She seems kind of forward, but the most it sounds like they've done is hug. He doesn't even call her from his cell phone, and she doesnt' know his number. They did go to a dance together, but we've never met her. Come to think of it, maybe he's really not interested... Dunno.
Good luck with Christian. I think it'll be ok. It helps that she doesn't go to his school and lives across town. Maybe she'll get bored of him and find someone else.
1 person likes this
@HeavenUnaware (1757)
• United States
12 Apr 07
Hi ♥
Thank you for your sweet response. I really appreciate it and you're right, it's a good thing they are distant - girls like her will FOR SURE get bored with him and move on, hopefully sooner than later.
I try to see the positive in as much as I can so in this case, the only positive I can see is that this whole phone/text thing is helping him to be a little less shy and is helping his self-esteem a little as well. He's learning how to talk and inter-mingle with girls that he hasn't known his whole life. The thing with Christian is that he's really shy and reserved when it comes to girls. He likes the attention but never thinks he's good enough to get their attention so when girls (and it's been happening more often lately) give him attention or the time of day, he starts to feel better about himself and maybe one day having the courage to have a girlfriend.
Thanks again for your response - as always, it's right 'on'.
♥
@awonderfullife (2893)
• United States
9 Apr 07
What is with these girls today?? Ugh-- I hate to sound like a "mom" but why are the girls so forward??
I admire you for being concerned enough to investigate who yoru son is hanging qround with. And since your son is a minor, you have every right to. It's very easy to find people on Myspace-- my friend does this too and you can usually search by zip code or search through your kid's friend's lists to find out info. That said, I would tell you son that you came across this girl on Myspace and you do not approve. He's only 16, still young enough to be influenced by you. Tell him the girl looks like trouble. Hopefully he will listen to your advice. Good luck!
2 people like this
@tzvetelina (467)
• Bulgaria
9 Apr 07
You're right to want to learn something more about this girl, but it's not true for all the teenagers - that they act like that. It all depends from the person and how he/she was raised and what they were thaught. I'm also 16 and I can tell you that I don't like such girls who believe that they can be wild. There's time for everything and it's not correct to share such wishes and fantazies online. You can never know who's on the other side - it's not just boys on their age opposite. And I think that this behaviour will pass. My friends acted like that when they were 13-14, but then after a year or two they grew up and now they think about more serious stuff.
To sum up, I beleive that for a girl, no matter of her age and experience it is absolutely a must to show respect to herself and to act morally, so that others can respect her as a young woman.
1 person likes this
@HeavenUnaware (1757)
• United States
9 Apr 07
I didn't mean ALL girls act like this - I know they do not, my son has some very nice young ladies as friends and they do not portray themselves in this way on their MySpace pages. They have respect for themselves, their families and their friends - they wouldn't post something so sexually bold for the whole world to see.
I just meant that it seems like more and more girls are acting like this and it's alarming, that's all.
Thanks
1 person likes this
@tzvetelina (467)
• Bulgaria
9 Apr 07
Your son reminds me my brother. He's 20 but looks at younger girls (who in my oppinion still wear pink glasses) and they've made a foel of him a couple of times. I used to know them and never liked them. I was right that they are not for my brother and I told him millions of times,but he never listened to me and did what he wanted. And now he feels sorry for not listening to me, because I know girls. I live with them every day and I know what's on their mind.
1 person likes this
@lreddell (172)
• United States
10 Apr 07
HeavenUnaware, I applaud you for standing by your morals and beliefs. These young folks haven't a clue what they are presenting to the entire world. I would lay odds that their parents haven't a clue either. And they would have heart failure to see their 15 year old daughter wearing next to nothing. I too, have a 16 year old son (and my youngest just got one too - he will be 13 this month). Both of them have a myspace pages. I have a myspace page as well. I am on viewing friends, comments, etc. at least twice a day. Sound paranoid? Perhaps. But I've seen the things that young people put on their myspace pages - some of which is very disturbing indeed. I personally have a number of friend requests daily on my myspace page, and I always check profiles before saying "Yay" or "Nay". I have found that many of the friend requests lately are from women who have sexually explicit material on their pages. I also receive a prompt to download some software to view their page. No thanks. I deny their requests. Should I find any of these "ladies" (and I use that term very loosely) on either one of my kids friends list, there will be hell to pay, as I have given them my opinion. I hope they respect that. And if not... Mom giveth the computer and Mom can takeith away. Hugs.
@minki_malink (83)
• New Zealand
9 Apr 07
Don't worry too much about it. Even if she isn't suited to him, he'll learn, and you can't protect him forever otherwise he'll never learn to find the right girl. To be honest, when I was 15, if I'd had a myspace page I probably would have put something stupid like that too, but I wasn't as wild as I seemed to be. A lot of it is just talk, just like guys talk.
1 person likes this
@HeavenUnaware (1757)
• United States
9 Apr 07
Thanks for your response.
Even if she's not wild, she has no self-respect. Has no concerns that her older brother or younger brother or family members are going to see that. That speaks a volume to me.
And not all girls or boys with MySpace pages write that way. My son has 4 very close male friends and none of them have anything like that on their pages. He also has some very close female friends who also do not put things like that on their pages.
People that do not know her can only base an opinion on how she has expressed herself.
Thanks again.
1 person likes this
@Kaeli72 (1229)
• United States
12 Apr 07
Hhhmmm...if he's 15 years old and now "just" discovering girls, I'd say you're doing pretty good there. I know of some girls who are younger than that and are wanting to do the full home run these days.
Why do our children have to grow up? Why can't they stay little? My oldest child (almost 12 years old) tells me of this boy at school who seems to have an interrest in her. I asked her what she does about it. "Nothing, I just ask him, 'What are you looking at, ugly?'."
You, have every right to "snoop" with things concerning your child. If you didn't, what kind of a parent would you be? Come to think of it, if every parent here in America and beyond were to take that great of an interrest in their teenager's lives, I think we'd find out how we are lacking. One of my daughter's teachers was telling me he can always tell which of his students live in a house where the parents give a care...by the grades and participation of the parents.
Now, about this "girl". She's no good. I tell my daughter that boys are nothing but gross, disgusting creatures that aren't worth the powder to blow 'em up. As for the son talk, I'd have to say that girls are crafty creatures who will give it away too quickly and eagerly. Find a girl that will make him proud as well as both sets of parents proud.
Good luck...and thanks for the teenage male tips. Mine has a few more years to go, but I'm watching him.
@lenapoo (678)
• United States
19 Apr 07
You are right for being concerned, but at the same time you have to respect your sons privacy and his feelings. We can tell them time and time again right from wrong, but it is up to our children to do the right thing. I agree that the girl shouldn't be dissing herself like that for the world to see, but her acting out like that could be another way of trying to mask some type of pain or misunderstanding that has went on in her life. The best thing to do is to try and get to know her if your son really seems to like her and question her about these things because you as a parent should know what is going on with your child. An if we as parents don't get involved in our children's lives then who will? My grandmother always told my mother that if she didn't teach us how to do things that somebody else would and it might not always be the way that you like it either. So go ahead and be the good mom that is concerned about her child and try to find out what if anything is going on because more than likely it is a reason behind that girls actions and you should know if your son is involved with her.
@CookieWookie (136)
• United States
23 Apr 07
First of all ((hugs))and yes I think you should snoop it shows you are a caring Wonderful mother. I don't have children but I take care of my niece and I snoop her myspace and boy am I glad I do I could not believe some of the things her 14 year old friends were putting in her comments! I cant figure out what is wrong with some of the girls these days? I was not raised this way and I want my niece to be respected and know this is not nice but I have noticed she has picked up some of their habbits like the dress style it is pretty scary some of the stuff she tries to wear to school I wont let her but I know her mom does :( It seems like some are trying to be like 'The Girls Gone Wild' and I just don't like it.. I have to younger brothers that went through the same thing when they were younger and my mom snooped and snooped thank God and they both are Great. I really feel sorry for kids that don't have parents that care enough to snoop and talk to them about the right and wrongs of life.
