Do you feel less sexy/beautiful since having children?
@Jennifer16628 (184)
United States
April 14, 2007 11:29am CST
I wasn't sure exactly where to post this one but I was wondering if anyone else feels this way and how do you deal with it. I have been married for over seven years now and I know I have changed a lot since the start of our relationship. I have gained about 45 lbs and my kids are my main focus in life. I am always busy between the kids taking care of the house, and the gardening/yard. When we met I was a successful career woman. Now I am a stay at home mom. My husband has said that if we were not married and met each other now we would not be married because he would not be attracted to me. Yet he says I'm his wife and he loves me. I can't seem to figure it out myself. Perhaps my self esteem just isn't where it should be. I was just wondering if others feel this way and what you do about it. Also, I would love to hear from the guys on this one....THANKS!
7 people like this
14 responses
@jbrooks0127 (2324)
• United States
14 Apr 07
What your husband was saying in his not so delicate way was that the initial attraction for men is usually visual. Slim and beautiful women always catch the eye of any man. But what that doesn't tell you is that while the beauty causes the initial interest your personality seals the deal.
He knows you and loves you not for how you look but for you. He is not attracted to heavy women and that is all he tried to tell you. We men have no clue that what we say in our stupidity can hurt the one we love because it is not meant to hurt. Most men are black and white in their thinking. He says something he means it and nothing else. Women however look for all the hidden meaning.
You now believe he may not be attracted to you. Wrong! And if your concern is that you may not be attractive to other men...well that you shouldn’t be anyway.
Every man has different things that attract them just like women do. But I can tell you that while he would like for you to lose the weight for your own good I doubt that he is any less attracted to you than ever. Now if you find that extra 45 lbs unattractive then just try to do something about it.
2 people like this
@jbrooks0127 (2324)
• United States
14 Apr 07
I forgot to add.....I know this because I went through the same thing with my wife. I hope I was not dumb enough to make that casual comment...however it is not beyond me....but I have always found her very sexy. And she gained a lot more htan you did.
So don't worry about him....worry about how you feel.
1 person likes this
@Jennifer16628 (184)
• United States
14 Apr 07
I want to say THANK YOU for your comment. Yes, I am a typical woman and know that I always read into things. I try hard not to but I haven't been able to accomplish it yet. It is comforting to hear (from your side in a similar situation) that my husband could really be attracted to me still even after what he said. I have struggled with this one for quite a while. I did try to talk to him about it and he tried to say that I took it the wrong way etc. etc. I think he was really trying to say what you just did but I was hurt and I don't think he was able to say it very well. I do plan to do something about my weight. I deal with fibromyalgia (pain syndrome and fatigue) as well. I am not trying to make an excuse it is just taking a lot longer because I have to go a lot slower. For a while after his comment I did not want to lose ANY weight. I felt that if he was only going to be attracted to me because of how I looked than he could just live with a fat wife. :( Don't get me wrong...he doesn't call me fat or any other derogatory (sp?) name. He is a very wonderful man...it seems perhaps he is just not a very good communicator. :) That is something we can work on. Thanks again!
@Lady_Justice (969)
• United States
15 Apr 07
Jbrooks, it was very thoughtful and sweet of you to take the time to share this with Jennifer. Communication can be tough but sometimes, getting the perspective of someone of the other gender can really help (especially when a spouse isn't doing very well at voicing certain feelings).
Best to you, Jennifer. Most moms I know have dealt with similar feelings about weight, stretch marks, etc. after having babies, so you're certainly not alone. Remember, you are still beautiful. Today, you are a beautiful wife and mother rather than a beautiful young girl, that's all. :o)
@Ladybug61583 (14)
• United States
15 Apr 07
I am a stay at home mom too. I am 23 years old but I am not married. We live together and raise our daughter. I gained a little more than the recommended weight and am having a hard time losing it. I feel sooo drained of energy through out the day that exercise just feels impossible. My boyfriend assures me that he thinks i look good to him still but personally i feel so unattractive! I have a low self esteem right now and it makes everything else seem more negative than it should be. But your not alone....I do feel this way too
1 person likes this
@Jennifer16628 (184)
• United States
15 Apr 07
I'm glad to hear that your boyfriend thinks you still look good. I know for me the only two people that can affect my opinion of myself are my husband and myself. So if he is saying positive things at least you get to hear good stuff half the time! :) How old is your child (or your children)?
@vanities (11395)
• Davao, Philippines
15 Apr 07
yes maybe it is true i mean the one he had told you that if ever youve been this in your first meeting he would not marry you! guys likes to have atleast a fit wife and still sexy but since we cant really avoid to have some extra pounds after giving birth..all we have to do is try to reinvent ourselves .shedd at least a pound or so and always dress up when your husband is around..and we must smell sweet and seductive maybe..
1 person likes this
@samtaylorskykierajen (7977)
• Canada
14 Apr 07
I would be hurt if my husband said anything like that to me . I know I am not the same since I had our children as I have stretch marks all over from all the weight I gained with each pregnancy . I never had a problem losing the weight as I am still just as small as I was but over the years and having children you do end up feeling less sext ( I do anyway ) . Our bodies change with age and with having children and then the nights with no sleep and all the running around etc .
I don't feel as good about myself since I had our children and don't believe I will ever get over it but my husband is always good on telling me that I am just as beautiful to him as when he first met me 17 years ago and just as beautiful as before we had our children .
As we get older , we all don't look as good as we did but this goes for men also and although we change after we have our children , he should realize that you underwent all this for the children he has today . I just find that a really mean remark that he made to you .
1 person likes this
@Jennifer16628 (184)
• United States
14 Apr 07
I think that is all I really need from him. Being told that your beautiful regularly I think would help tremendously! If you hear something enough you have to start believing it (at least a little :)). I think he regrets what he said. It was one of those comments that was like a knife in the heart. You can tend to the wound but there is always a scar.
@mama4kids (690)
• United States
15 Apr 07
i would kill my husband if he made a remark like that. that is borderline abusive. not good for your self esteem. self esteem is important!! having kids should make you feel sexy. they complete your world which makes feeling good about yourself easier. i love my kids and couldnt ever imagine a life without them. i am sure you are the same. men just dont get it. they dont have the same feelings about the whole family thing as us women. the best thing you can do for yourself is to tell yourself daily how wonderful you are and how needed you are on this earth, especially to your kids, and that looks arent the most important thing. if you want to lose the weight....start an exercise program and include the kids if possible. that will motivate you more. dont ever let one little remark..or many remarks...such as the one your husband said get you down. keep your head high and know that you are wonderful!!!!
1 person likes this
@hollie1974 (119)
• United States
15 Apr 07
Oh my yes! I know how you feel! I just had my second child and the kids and house are taking up all my time. Once I do get some free time we are both to tired to even sit down and play cards.
However I have started working out and have found that my energy level is starting to increase. I am hoping that this may help some.
1 person likes this
@Jennifer21 (2476)
• United States
15 Apr 07
I like to think I am as sexy as always, but sometimes I feel like I am not. I have a few stretch marks because of my two pregnancies.
I have lost all my pregnancy weight, but I still have the sure signs of a pregnancy, stretch marks.
They aren't really that bad, but I still with I didn't have them.
My husband tells me I am as sexy as I've ever been, but, of course he would say that, he wouldn't want to make me mad:P
1 person likes this
@cjthedog64 (1552)
• United States
14 Apr 07
I'm pretty much in the same boat as you. I'd lost 50 pounds before getting pregnant, and after having DS I'm back up a little higher than I was to begin with. Certainly not super high, but much bigger than I'd like to be. I think that has an impact on my feelings about myself. I also have noticed that a lot of my beliefs have changed since becoming a mom. I care more about things around me, and am not as interested in other things like I was. I know it's hard on my DH, but I try to work around it. He's also gained weight and isn't comfortable with it. We both have major back problems and things just aren't easy to do anymore. Add onto that the normal problems of being tired and dealing with DS all the time, and it's not too great of a situation. We do love each other, and work at it, but it's not the same anymore...
1 person likes this
@theponch (198)
• United States
14 Apr 07
My friends could all relate. I can't because I haven't had a problem in losing it, but in gaining it. I don't feel sexy because their are so many woman who look much healthier than I. If your husband doesn't allow it to bother him, then be happy for what you look like. My husband supports me, but he is always trying to feed me. So I know deep down he thinks I need to gain weight for health reasons. I don't want to get sick and end up in a hospital because I don't weigh enough to keep my body strong. I tire easily too. Skinny people have weight problems as well as overweight people. I wish there was more help for people like us.
@mememama (3076)
• United States
14 Apr 07
I would be terribly hurt if my husband told me that. He tells me everyday I'm beautiful. I do feel like I have less self esteem, people are calling me mam now and I've got a huge gut. But my husband is very much attracted to me, probably more now since I'm not a stick figure like before and have more of a womans body. I would tell him how much that hurts you that he thinks that, I know we all get a little uglier over time, but we are still attracted to each other inside and out.
1 person likes this
@domesticengineer (576)
• Philippines
15 Apr 07
That's so hurting to hear from a husband. I admit the fact that I'm less attractive now that I used to when I my husband first saw me but I'm confident enough to say that his feelings for me never changed. My sometimes we would make some comments like, "Babes, I'll give you extra money to have your a new hair cut." I guess he's trying to tell me that you look bad with your hair now and you need to get a new look. I appreciate that he tells me what he thinks and still gives me money to fix my look.
@browneyedgirl (1264)
• United States
14 Apr 07
I believe that sexy and beautiful come from the inside out-not vice versa. Having children shouldn't diminish your sexiness or beauty. It is very easy to forget to take care of yourself when you have a family to care for. But, you are a part of the family-so you need to take care of yourself too. It may help to set aside one or two hours a week just for you. Take a nice warm bath,give yourself a facial,meditate-whatever-go do something for yourself! Perhaps a walking workout or swim at the local Y would help with weight loss and stress. Being a stay-at-home mom is a tough job! You deserve some self time and self care. And, personally, I think your husband sounds a little shallow. Maybe a heart to heart talk with him might help too. Best wishes.
@bad1981 (799)
• United States
14 Apr 07
I am right here with you on this topic. When I met my husband I worked 2 jobs and took forever to get ready to go hang out with him. Now its throw some sweats on and throw my hair in a pony tail and go. I know sometimes he misses me dressing better and doing my hair and such but with little kids who has the time or energy. I am now a stay at home mom and I think you jsut get in a rut where you focus on everything else but you. My self esteem also isnt where id like it to be. My husband always tells me that he loves me regardless of what i wear or look like because I am his wife and gave him 2 beautiful kids that I am very dedicated to.
1 person likes this
@Augustta (1850)
• Poland
14 Apr 07
I feel more sexy EXACT because i have a kid.I think kids make you more attractive and i know men which will think about a woman without kids like is selfish(well about women which can make and don't want)...
To be honest i have succes with my daughter near me or without...
Sexy can be something which you are born with...lol
augusta
1 person likes this
