Friendships changing after having kids
By cynddvs
@cynddvs (2948)
United States
May 24, 2007 6:41pm CST
Every since I've had my daughter I've noticed a lot of my friendships have either ended or become very distant. And I'm not putting the blame on my friends since I'm just as bad about not calling them. But here lately I've been kind of reconnecting with some old friends and I've noticed especially from my single friends they are treating me very differently and it almost feels as if they think I'm not "cool" anymore because I don't go out drinking with them anymore. It really pisses me off when they talk down to me when they ask me to go out and I decline them. Going out drinking just isn't my thing anymore. If they wanted to go to a movie or something like that I would be cool with it. But I had a hard time with drinking before my daughter and I just don't want to go back to that lifestyle and get back into that party crowd. And the thing that pisses me off is these same friends that are treating me like crap now were so great to me during my pregnancy. They gave me baby showers and told me we would hang out and they would come visit me and my daughter. I've seen these people once the whole time I've had my daughter (she is 19 months old) and that was at a friends baby shower. I just don't understand why there has to be such a divide in friendships. Why are there the no-baby friends and parenting friends?
Has anyone else experienced this with their friendships? And for the people with no kids out there do you ever find yourself straying away from your friends that have kids? If so, why?
6 people like this
20 responses
@carlaabt (3504)
• United States
25 May 07
I guess I didn't really notice it too much, because I got pregnant while on my honeymoon. My husband is stationed 1100 miles away from our hometowns, so I don't have the option of hanging out with my old friends anyway. I don't really talk to most of them much, but it is just so much different being a military wife, than a single girl. I was never a partier, and neither were most of my friends. But even still, we just don't have that much in common anymore.
All my friends that I've made here, it's been while I was pregnant or after my son was born. We do have some good friends that are married, but don't have any children yet. But besides that couple, most of our friends have small children, too.
I still love my friends from home, but it's just hard to keep in touch when we don't have anything in common anymore. I still know that if I ever need to talk to someone, I can call most of them, and any of them can call me. But it's just not the same, when the person isn't there, you know?
3 people like this
@CarmelLove (145)
• United States
25 May 07
The same thing seem to happen to me. I think that we just grew apart and grew in our own direction. I say keeping living your life, and your bound to meet new people who have the same interest as you. Don't fall back into a life style that isn't you for an attempt on old friends. If they are ur friends they will be there reguardless.
3 people like this
@Bytemi (1553)
• United States
25 May 07
Yes, I have friend that I use to hangout with regularlly and since I had my daughter, I am not able to just drop everything and go away for a weekend or go out dancing with him. He usually calls me old and seems angry with me. I am a single mom, I have responsibilities and I can't just drop everything to go gambling with him or drinking. He just doesn't seem to understand the whole responsibility thing.
2 people like this
@caido_dionelyn (126)
• Philippines
25 May 07
hi! im 30 and still single.almost all of my friends are already married and have their own kids..having kids would really make you distant from your friends because as you have kids you would rather be with your kids/family rather than with your friends, right?
on my case, since im still single and have no kids to attend to, i would make an effort to make a call to my friends asking if how are they doing. sometimes i would go to their places to pay them a visit. that way, our friendship would still be working. im the one who would adjust with their schedules and with their present situation
2 people like this
@cynddvs (2948)
• United States
25 May 07
That's great that you take the extra effort to go visit your friends. I'm sure that really means a lot to them. I know from experience when you have a family sometimes you just don't have time or energy to make phone calls to your friends to see how they are doing. I know it always feels nice when I recieve a phone call from a friend just to see how my family is doing. And I try to return the favor and remember to call that friend from time to time.
1 person likes this
@kumbarn14 (735)
• Pakistan
25 May 07
To be a good mother, everybody comes last, first your baby, then you husband and the home. These things does happen when you become a family it is very natural. You may say Hi! to your friends when you see them and this is all the time you will have. Just be happy and consentrate on your home and bring up your daughter to be a good and loving girl.
@toe_ster (770)
• United States
25 May 07
yes. Sadly that tends tohappen a lot. You have a kid now and are more mature and life changed. It is sometimes hard for friends to understand the concept of parenting when they haven't yet experienced it. Life changes, and unforunately people change with it. When they have kids, it will be another change. BUt really if you think about it, you don't understand how they can treat you different now because you have a baby and your priorities are different. And they don't understand how things are different because you have a baby. They are still in the same kind of unattached phase where they think everyone else should be too. There are so many details that go into planning a night out once you have kids. Before it probably could have been a phone call an hour or so before to go to a club, and you had just enough time to shower and get ready. NOw you need like a whole week or a few days, to plan babysitting, and making sure everything is taken care of for the baby before you can even focus on yourself. Its just really hard to make kidless people see that sometimes. BUt find some new friends with kids, so you can relate a little better maybe.
2 people like this
@MrsWickham1 (464)
• United States
25 May 07
I think that the friends I had before I got married and had my daughter saw no change in these changes. I was always very mature for my age and I needed a month notice sometimes as far as what we were going to do. Plus, I never liked going out so they never bothered calling unless Ic ame up with it first. I love my friends because I know they truly are there for me no matter where life takes me. But you are right if people can not understand the new responsibilities you have then they more than likely will become distant.
2 people like this
@cynddvs (2948)
• United States
25 May 07
That's so true. The thought of going out is just exhausting to me lol. I have to find a sitter, take my daughter to the sitter, get dressed nice, put on makeup. By the time I do all this I don't even feel like going out anymore lol. Just like you said, back in my single days I would get a phone call and be there in 30 minutes. It's just not that way anymore. I would rather have a night in playing cards.
1 person likes this
@laneita (78)
• United States
25 May 07
Well sweetheart that is what happens in life. When we have children we tend to go in a different direction ourselfs. Thats because we now have a child or children to worry about. Its not all about us anymore. I have two children 13 an 9. Im a 30 years old single mother with no friends lol. I mean i have my friends that i grew up with an went to scholl with that keep in touch here an there. But going out to party thats been over with. Look sweetheart eaither you friends are your friends or let them go. If you had a problem before then your making the right decission to leave them alone. Your doing that for your child. I know where you are comming from. But dont let it bother you. You have a wondrful child to love an take care of. Your friends will accept it or not. if not so be it. Go on with your life.
Good Luck
2 people like this
@KarenO52 (2950)
• United States
26 May 07
It was just the opposite with my daughter. Her close friends from high school all had babies, and she didn't. She went to college and got a degree and then a job, and she lost track of all her friends. She went to their baby showers, but she said she felt left out, because all the mothers got together and talked about the babies, and it was as if they had nothing in common with her anymore.
@SilentRose19 (1733)
• United States
25 May 07
I remember my friends, my sons turning two next month and its taken just about 1 year of his life for my friends to desert me. They really just drifted away after the he was born, and now they're gone. I've realize that they were just not the kind of friends i need, they deserted me when I had a child which is wrong. I think that it has alot to do with they are just not up to having to be around a person with a child, maybe its more like a weight to them. I'm not sure, its just dumb. I think that I really would like to have friends again, but its just not a priority for me.
2 people like this
@sramsey150 (162)
• United States
25 May 07
totally agree with you . i called my friend to wish her happy mother's day and she's pregnant with her second child and she seemed as though she didn't want me to call or she didn't want to talk ,maybe its just the hormones. lol! i don't know but you would think them having children as well they could relate i guess things do change after children.
2 people like this
@MrsWickham1 (464)
• United States
25 May 07
It happens to all of us I think. When I got married it happened. it is not fair, but hey your real friends will always stand by. My good friends are back home and we made a few friends when we first got to his first station. We lost the first couple we met because we had my daughter. however I met someone childless and single who loves coming over to hang with me and my daughter. My hubby is real supportive if we want to go have a few drinks he will watch our daughter. I think we have to remember that some people just don't understand That you still love them, but you have more responsibilities.Most of my frieds though we were never ones to talk eeryday and hang out every weekend. So not much has changed I am the same me, but with a beautiful extra person!
2 people like this
@arbonneaddict (19)
• United States
25 May 07
Hi CYNDDVS,
I too have found this out about some of my friends as well. My son is 2 and a half now and he has no idea who my "best friend" is.....I only see her on an occasion. I also found that I have nothing really in common with my friends anymore eithor!! See all of my friends work full time jobs- I'm a stay at home mom with 2 home based businesses (that are successful). I don't know if it's jealousy(I would hate to think that my friends are jealous of me)but something is not right. I accept it- what else can I do about it???? I know I'm a good person who dosn't flaunt things and I'm honest and down to earth. I'v come to the conclusion that others don't like to see others happy- I guess!! I wish things were different!!
Good luck with you situation!!
Reguards,
Nicole
2 people like this
@tonixxx (358)
•
25 May 07
I don't hyave children yet although have been trying.No a friend is a friend till the end, thats what i say. If they have children then it takes them to a new level in their lives but it doesn't affect who they are and why you were theeir friend in the first place. So they don't want to go drinking as much, the minute people get responsibilities this happens and so it should. A parents main priority should be their children and your friends should respect this. I am in a relationship we are now engaged, i find that the responsibility we have to each other means that we go out alot less then we used to, but i still keep in touch with friends for a chat and a cup of tea lol.
2 people like this
@beautyqueen26 (16030)
• United States
27 May 07
I've noticed that too, with my own friends. Things that I used to have in common with them are gone since I had a baby. Not sure why the non-baby friends just assume you will have the same priorities as before the baby came along. Another thing, is that once I had a kid, I stopped putting up with a lot of the childish junk that my so called friends were laying on me. You know just stuff they get you roped into; you know like their emotional mess. Once you have a kid, you see right through that stuff. Maybe it makes a person more mature. I'm not sure. It did for me. Once I had a kid I was more than happy to cut out the emotional vampires in my life and make way for people that really cared about me. Best of luck with your baby. You deserve friends who will love you no matter what.
@maryannemax (12156)
• Sweden
25 May 07
i don't have a kid yet and not yet married. most of my friends are.
i understand how you feel. most of my friends after giving birth and after getting into marriage, they rarely meet up with me and some friends. i understand them having a new life. but i still hope that they can have time somehow for me and some other friends. i don't drink and most of my friends don't, too. we just wanna be together and talk over coffee. but still, most of those married friends are so busy that they can't even share a moment with us anymore.
as for you, i am sorry to hear about the kinds of friends that you have. i hope they will learn to respect you and consider your ideas, too. they are even lucky that you are still willing to go out with them but under new rules ofcourse. i just hope they'd be considerate enough for you and your baby.
have a nice day!
@wmaharper (2316)
• United States
25 May 07
I have seen it in my own life definently. ALthough, most of my friends, are in the same stage of life as I am, I have noticed it with a few. You know the old cliche, that you don't understand what it's like to be a parent, until you are one, It's very true. Alot of times, you just begin to not understand each other anymore. They don't understand what it's like to be a mom, that you can't just stay up all night, and sleep in, because your child may very well be up all night teething, or crying for some other reason. And that your job as a parent, can not be taken lightly, it's more important to you then drinking, and partying and 'having fun'. Some people just don't want to grow up, and if they ahve someone else to party with, im sure they think they can justify, wasting thier lives at the bar. I think the hardest thing for me has been, that my old friends, simply do not understand, they don't understand the responsibilities, and burden that parenting can be, but also, they of course miss out on the joys of being a mother as well. It's not something anyone can teach them, nor is it something they can learn, they have to expierence it for themselves. They problably don't care about yoru babie's bowel movements, or her first tooth, or her first word, but a true friend would be there anyways. SO maybe they aren't a good of friends as you thought.
1 person likes this
@soccermom (3198)
• United States
25 May 07
Sometimes I want to call certain "friends" and scream Hey! I'm still the same person! My priorities are just different! Fact is that kids change things. I've had the same best friend since 2nd grade and we have always been like night and day, I started a family, she's just finishing her masters degree. My hubby pointed out to me the other day that the only time she's physically around is when her and her boyfriend have his daughter every other weekend, as our middle child is the same age as his daughter. I haven't let the feeling of abandonment bother me as far as the rest of my friends go, it's their loss. It's like I had kids and all of a sudden I have cooties or something. As far as going out drinking, I feel ya. My hubby and I attempt to hit the bars when the kids are gone and we always end up going home early, we just don't blend with that crowd anymore. Embrace your new found love and responsibility, your life is much richer because of it, and if your friends can't see that it's their problem.
1 person likes this
@taiguy (478)
• United States
25 May 07
I have this problem when my friends get a boyfriend or girlfriend. They are suddenly out of the picture, and become much more selfish (with their time). As far as parenting goes, though, I try to make an extra effort to be part of their life and it seems to even out.
@senthil2k (1500)
• India
25 May 07
This is a very very true fact. Infact, this is more among women than men. I don't know why many women who were very thick friends loose their friendship after getting married. I know two girls who were my friends in my college, were very very thick friends. But just after getting married, they even dont call the others. This become worse after they had kids.
Friendship is always friendship, whatever happens in between. Dont loose your friendship whatever be the reasons. Always keep in touch with them. This will keep your life fresh and better.
1 person likes this
@Cassy1976 (796)
• Australia
25 May 07
My daughter is now 7 months old and I have noticed that alot of my friends dont come to visit me as much as they used to, I guess we all have different directions that we go on in life and this is just one of those different directions for you. Your true friends will still be around in many years to come, at the moment they are just taking a different journey to you and if they dont have kids then it would be hard for them to understand what you are doing right now but one day in the future you can remind them of what they said and I am sure they will laugh when they have kids of their own
1 person likes this
