My first story prolouge (sp?) help!
By stacyv81
@stacyv81 (5903)
United States
July 25, 2007 5:53pm CST
This is the prolouge I guess you could say to my first story. I was wondering, if you guys could read it, and give me some feedback, would this be a book you would like to read? I havent really written much yet to it besides this, but I wanted to see how people liked the idea of it. Feel free to give constructive critism, or any type of feedback! Thanks a lot!
Here it is:
When the sun went down it was the most beautiful sight Harley had seen in a while. Here she was 21, and a widow. Some place she never thought she’d be. She was pregnant, and alone. She tried to focus on the beauty of the setting sun to take her mind off of the events that had occurred less than 48 hours earlier. She tried to forget that John wasn’t coming home tonight. She would never again hear the sound of the door open, John walking in and setting his boots in the hallway. She would never again see his smiling face as he walked through the door or receive his warm embrace when he came home. She was alone. For the first time in 3 years. She was alone in this house, alone in her pregnancy. John was so excited when she had found out she was pregnant. She can still remember the joy on his face that day. A memory she would have to hold on to. A beautiful face that her little baby would never get to experience. John was such a loving man. Everyone in town liked him. He didn’t have an enemy in the world, or so she thought. The detective thinks that someone murdered her husband. He thought the accident was no accident at all, but through malicious intent someone had targeted her husband that day. Why would someone do that? Who could it be? Harley will admit there are things about John’s past she doesn’t know, but she always thought that he was just a private person who didn’t like to share his past. Could it be that he has dark secrets? Or was this really just an accident and she and others were just looking into it too much? These are questions she hopes will be answered. She cannot believe that this is the life she is going to have to lead. All of these unanswered questions floating around at a time that she and John should be out shopping for baby clothes, having a hard time putting the crib together, laughing, painting the baby’s room, and sharing the joy of expecting their little baby. Instead she was sitting here trying to figure out the events that led up to today. As much as she tried to keep it out of her mind it seemed a losing battle. She was not prepared for this.
5 people like this
9 responses
@ang_2906 (76)
•
26 Jul 07
As a start to a plot outline, I think this has good scope. I am already intrigued as to what John may or may not have been hiding from his past to make him reach an ugly end. I would defintiely reccomend you persevere with it, and see where it ends up. Good luck.
@bhappy2 (327)
• Australia
26 Jul 07
Is this a prologue or a premis? I think this is a good story line but would not use it as a prologue. I also think you need to edit this quite a bit. Words like 'had' should be eliminated wherever possible. I think your key character, Harley, needs to be a little older. This would give her more maturity and more life experience but that is just my opinion. Do you really want a prologue? Why not use a good hook on your first page and go from there. I would read this book and I hope you write it and do well. The very,very, best of luck to you.
@stacyv81 (5903)
• United States
26 Jul 07
no, I guess not a prolouge, more of an idea, written down to show the basis of the story. I wanted her to be young, because I wanted her to not have the life experience. I wanted her to be in more of a position where she has to grow from it and such. Also, being that I am 23, I do not really have the experience to necessarily write about someone who is older. Also, this is just a rough first draft, so editing will definitely be done, This was more of a get my idea out there and see if people wouldbe interested. Thanks for responding and giving me your feedback, I appreciate it. =)
3 people like this
@patgalca (18394)
• Orangeville, Ontario
26 Jul 07
I agree that the story outline is good and would be a story I want to read. I also agree that it needs some editing, but that is normal. When you write a book you will have to come through a number of edits. I have spoken to well-published authors and they have said it has taken years and 4-16 edits to make the story perfect. I do like the story though. I wish you luck with it and hope you stick with it. Just write the story. Don't edit as you go. Get it all out on paper and then worry about editing later.
I look forward to hearing that your book is published.
3 people like this
@AnythngArt (3302)
• United States
26 Jul 07
Like the other comments, I don't think this is really a prologue, but more the capsule of an idea for a story or novel. The idea is interesting, and I think the age can work too. However, I need to know a lot more about why John is such a great guy. You need to really add a lot of detail. I realize that in such a short clip, you can't tell much. But there is no real identifying details about either Harley or John except their names and the fact that they are having a baby. I don't know what the characters look like, act like. To say, for example, that the whole town liked John does not tell me why? I need some details so that I can care about these characters and what happens to them.
All that said, I hope you pursue this. Good luck with your writing.
2 people like this
@Wingedman (238)
• United States
30 Jul 07
An interesting place to atart a story, but watch for a few things. !) always spell out numeric values such as 21, and 48 hours. Remember this is a story not a lab report. 2) Watch your tense jumps. Throughout the Prologue (correct US English Spelling) you go from past to present to the imperfect form of both. This is jarring for a reader and can pull them out of the mood you are valiantly tryng to establish. Check out some articles on line on tenses and consistency. In most cases I try to stay in Simple Past. He was, she was, they were kind of stuff.
Keep working on it and don't stress too much about tense a good editor can help you correct that. Good Luck and do not ever give up on your writing. Good writers are groomed and developed not just born to it. I've been working on tense lately and still need to get m hands fully on it. That is why I see it so readily in others work.
@worldwise1 (14885)
• United States
26 Jul 07
Go to the head of the class, stacey. That's really good. You should keep it up. I know that it would hold my interest. Your grammar, punctuation, and plot are all very good.
3 people like this
@creativedreamweaver (7297)
• United States
24 Apr 08
I just noticed this was from ten months ago, so I hope you get this. Have you made any progress on the story. I tend to agree with the others that this is not a prologue and it needs some editing. But as a rough draft to the beginning of a story, it is good. I would want to read more. It's okay to that it isn't a prologue...most modern editors don't really like prologues, they like the back story to be introduced through actions and dialogue throughout the novel. If you have continued with this, I'd love to read more and possibly be a writing partner with you.
@Lydia1901 (16351)
• United States
31 Jul 07
I think it is a pretty good story and I like it. I think you did a good job with this one. Good work.
@DanaMark (807)
• United States
27 Jul 07
What you have written is very interesting. It creates suspense and mystery. I think you have introduced a story that has good possibilities. I would like to read more, so I guess I'm saying I think it would be a good book to continue with. Good luck. Let us know when you are finished.
