Prove It!

Since they require proof, i think what I would do is get a 3 ring binder and the plastic sheet protector types of things and make them a presentation of sorts. I would design a cover, an intro page (Proof we should get married), and maybe a table of contents. I would divide it up into different sections: Definition of Marriage, Pre-Marriage Questions answered by you(This site has some but search online for different ones: http://www.webedelic.com/church/prewed.htm), Financial Planning & Responsibility, Background check ($10 from your state)...maybe a signed doc from your fiance saying why he wants to marry you...whatever else other mylotters will hopefully suggest, etc. Look for other subtle signs too - things like he always listens to you, never yells at you, works things out, makes you laugh, how you met, etc. etc. Might be a fun project - you could also sign up for pre-marital classes to show how serious you are... good luck!

Okay my first response would have to be that I aint doing no homeowrk to explain to my parents why I want to marry someone. But i know how parents are..... I would prolly only say the above statement in my head and not aloud to my parents. This is what I would do, before your assignment is due, go talk to your mom and dad both and ask them how they know they were right for each other... And use thier exact words in your project. May I ask why you need to convince them of anything? You are an adult and therefore you have the right to make your own choices. But.... is customary to recieve their blessing so just do as they say, huh? lol The genuine peace in your heart that he is the one should be all that is neccessary for your parents. I mean are you happy with this man? Has he ever proved to you that u both might not be on the same page about values or life happenings? If you are happy and in love, your parents should have their reason to give their blessing. Every parents dream to have their daughter in love with a wonderful man. Like i said ask mom and dad how they knew they were right for each other. I am curious though to know if your fiance has ever done anything to your parents to make them doubt this is what is best for you. But hten again your parents also have to realiz that you are an adult now and tis up to you to decide if you are happy and what is best for you. Not them, that ended the ay you turned 15!!lol... i would love to keep up on this story... so maybe you could add me as a friend and we could talk more about it. I will tell ppl about this discussion. I understand yuour turmoil. Would be very difficult to hav to be in your shoes for longer than a few minutes. Good luck and I sure do hope things go well for you

The main thing here is that marriage means different things to different people. First, you need to assess what your parents think is necessary or important in a marriage. Then it will be easier for you to convince them on those points instead of arguing with them about things they are going to counter you with. There are still some basic things that are common when you marry someone. Are you in love with the person? And more important ...does the other person love you? Does either one have any doubts in their minds about any area of the life of their to be spouse? Is there any area of the partner's life that one is not aware of or one thinks the partner is hiding something? How is the communication between the two of you? Are you open to talking about any problems you have and trying to fix it without letting ego affecting it? I just put myself in your position and thought of what I would tell my parents....and personally my first few sentences would sum that up. I would have to speak to them based on what they think of a successful marriage...or else they will never be convinced and just keep countering me with numerous other situations which I know I wouldn't be able to answer truthfully for the reason that I don't know how things will be after marriage.

What would I do? I'd tell them I'm not going to buy into such a condescending and degrading request. You're an adult and you're free to make your own decisions, especially about who you wish to marry. So what if they have doubts? They're not the ones getting married. Yes, I get that they're concerned, but I would find this just plain insulting. I would tell them just this, "I'm grateful for your concern but I am an adult and I've made my decision as an adult. I love my fiance and I want to spend the rest of my life with him and I choose to convey that by being officially married. If you can't trust mt to make my own decisions and choose not to support me in this way, then I am very sorry that you feel that way."

Of course, you would want their Blessings, very understandable for peace of mind. Hmmm, ok, you are only '22' which would concern me. Is this one of the reasons your parents need convincing? And, his age? You mention in your discussion that "they have had their doubts in the past regarding the relationship"...why is this? You will get no authors from me (as most of them haven't been married), no quotes, and nothing from people who have studied these types of issues. It's just from me, lol! Something is really bothering your parents and that bothers me.....I will answer as truthfully as I can and honestly, if you will.

Marriage is about for better and worse. It is really easy to stroll along during the BETTER. The parts of marriage that are a struggle the WORSE is what they may be concerned about. How would you as a couple handle illness? Loss of Employment? a tragic pregnancy? These are some of the things my husband and I have weathered. Not easy by any means.How does he treat you on a regular basis. Not having background on your relationship I am just brainstorming. I would go to your folks and show them you are taking an active interest in your "assignment" Have them give you some questions about their concerns. And another thing. present your reasons as a united front. Giving your parents answers alone by yourself may not be a good idea. Make sure you mean it. Also meeting with clergy is another good idea. My hubby and I did that before we were married. That to will show you mean business.

As a parent I can understand their anxiety. As I personally have seen a few cases in my family where people married the wrong person believing that love will conquer all but sadly their life turned into mess with spouses who were not intersted in providing for them or one of them was abused badly before parents came to know and intervened and brought her back. Its really hard to give away a daughter you have raised with so much love and care for all these years to a strange man. Who knows what will happen later on for certain. You can just wish for the best. If in case tha match is not exactly what you had in mind then it becomes a bit more difficult to let go. Come on even if you put your puppies for adoption, you would like to be certain that family who is taking themwill take care of them here we are talking of a child born after so many hous of labor raised for twenty plus uears with love annd care.Give your parents a break , my friend and just for a moment think from their side. hat if it was your own flesh and blood , your daughter who was marrying this man-who you just barely knew and probably didn't like. I hope you decide wisely.

I do not want to sound mean or anything, trust me, but if it comes from anyone else than you it is phoney, you and only you have to know why you are marrying this person, you and only you can do this, otherwise it is like cheating on a test and in the end even if you passed the test you have learned nothing.

I see by your profile that you are of age and I know that your parents only wants what is best for you and I am sure that you love your parents very much and want to obey them and I can understand that,but I believe my dear that you are old enough to make your own choices of the heart and if this choice feels right in your heart than let your parents know that you are going to marry this guy and ask them for their blessings,parents can only raise their children to be so old and then the child has to make her or his own choices in life.I have 4 sons and I had to let them make their choices and learn from their mistakes along the way, but good old mom was there when they need to talk about what ever was bothering them and I always will be as long as I breathe I was hoping that they would stay young for ever but children do grow up regardless rather their parents want them to or not I mean in no way to hurt or put your parents down for wanting you to prove why you two should get married.No parents wants to see their children get hurt in relationships,but take the knowledge what you have learned from your past relatioships into your new one.Good luck and I pray that your parents will give you their blessings God bless you all

Whoa! I would refuse to do such a thing, it is worthless. If you have been a level-headed person, who has made the right decisions in life- education, job, no jail time, etc, then you need prove yourself no further. If you have made many mistakes and are still acting like a child, then maybe your parents have a concern. How would you rate yourself on this scale?

I know I'm probably a minority here because what I have to say doesn't make anyone happy but me. Thats really all I worry about is "Am I happy?' I don't need to prove anything to anyone. If he makes me happy (which my guy does) then thats it. No proof necessary. I would just tell my parents that I am an adult, I plan to marry him with or without their approval. That would be the end of it. if they truly loved me they would get over it and be happy for me, eventually. Parents come with unconditional love. I told my boys that I would love them no matter what they did or how they grew up. I might not always like what they did, but I would love them anyways. They don't need my approval as long as they are happy. Sorry I know thats not what you wanted to hear, but thats my advice.

JJ, I have a few thoughts here, in one of your comments you said something about your parents taking things away from you as punishment. I thought you stated you were 22, and they still punish you? Then I would like to ask a couple of questions. 1. Are your parents still supporting you financially? If so is that your only means of support or do you work too? 2. Are your parents well off financially? Would you come into a large inherittance should they pass away? 3. Are you sure he has never abused you physically or emotionally in your parents presence, maybe you weren't aware they were around when it happened. I just feel there is more to this than meets the eye, not saying you are being dishonest, just feel like there is an underlying situation here, that either you don't know about, or possibly you are just to ashamed to tell. Those are my feelings and questions, maybe I have given you a new perspective to look at. Blessings

Here's my input on it. Don't know whether it'll be heeded, or if it'll turn people livid. Well, lets get on with it. To really prove your relationship not just to the parents but to your fiance' and yourself, you have to look at not just reasons why you should get married, but also what will happen if your marriage is "good", "average", or if your marriage has more negatives... and ultimately, if the relationship fails. NOT facing this in any way, is a disaster waiting to happen. You have to know that your future spouse will change (maybe minor, but its usually significant). You will also change too whether you realize it or not. There is a possibility either of you could "fall out of love" with the other person due to this (not just this, it could be other "real-world" items, finances for example, conduct in relationship for another). Consider what will happen when the tough times come (and sure enough... they'll be there...). You both have to be strong and mature enough to handle this. Not just this item but for the possibility of one of the worst outcomes in marriage occurs (divorce). And that's just one general item. Another thing you should face... infidelity (its possibility, naturally). I know no one wants to think of it, but this can happen in a relationship and in marriage. If that person is really someone to marry, they will be faithful. Unfortunately, there is no 100% guarantee the person standing beside you at the altar will never cheat on you. All the words, phrases, sayings, poems and gifts won't guarantee it completely. Remember, I stated that people change, happens in both relationships and marriage. It just happens with time. Along with this general change can come a change in feelings... that is most important. Of course, a multi-year marriage and true committment to the spouse can dispel the idea of cheating... but weaknesses happen, it doesn't even take the emotion of love in another person to cheat, just a want or desire of some sort. Face this as possibility... What of the heart itself? You say yourself that you are convinced this person you are supposed to marry. Let me inform you of something. In my encounters this isn't the first time I've heard/read this statement, it won't be the last either. There have been people who've married that believed this very statment as well. Some have had whole and fufilling marriages, still lasting in the present. Others were not as fortunate. And I say this for one particular point. The heart can feel good. It can flutter, it can skip, it can feel rather warm... especially when you think you've found someone spectacular. The heart can also waver, cloud, confuse, even break. The heart does not employ rationality either. The point of my claims thus far is to use your mind along with this. You have to think rationally about your relationship and the future, the heart does this to some extents, but typically the positive is thought of (getting married, spending time together, endless daily life with each other, a family...). Just to make sure you know what the whole situation entails, you have to consider what your heart wants, but also what reality may hold. How about your priorities and his? Are you his #1? Is he your #1? This may sound ridiculous, but it is very important. I've seen people justify marriage but not because they are able to put each other 1st (yet somehow thinking otherwise or expecting it later). If you come in second place or worse lower than that, there maybe a case as to why you shouldn't marry. The same for you when considering him. If he's not the most important person, then what is the point? Love you (and the readers) say? What good is love if it has its limits? What good is love if it comes behind his mother, your family, or something else (religion, work, etc)? Now, you may not be able to see this JJ or its to a point where you don't really mind. However, if its very apparent, if its him going to his mother (or someone else) more than you, there could be another vulnerability in your case. Once you look at the negative, and I mean really look and consider them... then you may have a better chance for your argument. One can easily look at love, relationships and marriage as only a positive thing. People do not realize a lot of hurt can happen, and some of the worst (and best) of people can arise in situations like this. I've encountered many accounts of people... totally taken by surprise by marriage itself, and for some of them... the grim outcomes that occured. Now lets get to the other side of things. What can you do to prove him and your relationship to your parents? It maybe old but why not a family get-together? Yours and his, nothing too special, but something to really be with each other (social functions can yield several observations for others, and can be a medium of communication for others). It can be a way to show your families, how you both are. You can also see other things too as can your parents (how he treats his parents and other people for example). What of time? For some parents its an age and maturity issue. Parents (for good reason) think young adults rush into things like this. This can be used for both a serious matter to consider your relationship rationally, and as a point to why you actually should get married. Things can change, and its much worse if a couple delays marriage for far too long. One or both people could drift further apart, until that relationship is no more. I can also envoke a biological reason if applicable. You can have your children earlier, have more intimacy opportunity, or both (if done right). There is also more time for your marriage and being together. Something else that came to mind. Why prove anything to your parents? I do know the affirmation reasons, the blessing reasons, even historical and religious reasons... but is there really a need? You love him (its rather clear in this posting and your previous ones). He loves you (as far as I'm able to observe with the acquired information). If you truly know yourself and if you both truly know each other, then both of those should be more than enough. What are your parents' doubts REALLY? Thats something to consider carefully. This could work against you or for you. I'd like to see the arguments in full, if possible. While its obviously true they want the best for you and are afraid of what happened in previous relationships, I believe there is something thats not being revealed. Or it could be me thinking too much. Look at it this way as an example. (Why can't you get married? "This one may hurt you too, and in marriage, the losses are far worse") (Why can't I marry this one? "He'll hurt you all the same") Now a bit of me can see why both supposed arguments exist, I've even claimed them myself. However, this doesn't give much to analyze for my purposes and ultimately your own. Just "you'll get hurt" or "he's unsuitable", thats not enough. Even other counterarguments have their faults (too young, relationship isn't long enough, etc). So I ask seriously, what are your parents' real arguments? That's it for now JJ.

First and Forth most question here you is marrying your fiance you are your parents.did you own mom have to do an assignment for her mom before she married your dad.I know you love your parents and they love you to but do they have the control over whom you are going to marry. Like did they have a pre-arranged wedding before you were even born to someone else. If you love your fiance and he loves you and you both are faithful, true and open to each other with and about eveything .Nothing to hide from your parents Even thou your fiance is shy your father and mother should welcome him into their home and lives for he going to one of the family after you marry him.Once your father and mother get to know him than they will come to love him as a son for he will be their son-in-law after you get married to him.You should not have to prove to your parents why you love him or why he loves you. You are the 2 that counts.You love each other and are open with each other nothing to hide right? You are old enough to make your own decisions about your life and your future.If your parents are still trying tocontrol your life are they going to control when you have children once you and your fiance get married. The decision to get married is between you and your fiance not your parents.

Well if your heart says so. Then you should get married to him. Let other say what they say. And you do what your heart say because heart never lies. Its only your mind who plays tricks on you. Mind will always give two ways to confuse. But heart will lead you to your only way which the right way. Tell your parents the samething. And I hope that you will be able to convince them with this discussion. Hoping for the best for you. Thanks for reading my response. Goodbye

HI This is of interest to me coming out of my second failed marriage. I really see where your parents are coming from. I first got married at 24 and wwhen I think back realise that the reasons for this were wrong - being from a religious family they included wanting to be intimate, a fear of being left on the shelf and thinking that I had to settle. The second marriage, upon reflection, happened for much the same reasons. Something I have found to help me understand myself better is from Sheri and Bob Stritof. They have an online eguide for marriage. From memory one part is about how to know if you have found the right person. They do a 10 week course and this covers things like expectations from marriage - fighting fairly - listening skills - and so on. I have found what they say to be interesting and challenging and it has shown me many things about myself that I had not confronted before. I think what your parents want is for you to think beyond being in love to loving someone. The flush of romantic love can fade and you need a great foundation for a relationship to last past that stage. Both of you offering to undertake pre marital counselling would be evidence that you are both willing to do what it takes. Another way to look at it is as if it were a business plan - what is your objective - what do you both bring to the table - a financial plan - a growth plan - a SWOT analysis - a guide to dispute handling and so on. You could think of heaps of things. Take a business case to them as this shows that you are thinking smart as well as being in love. Just a different way of looking at things.

I am unaware of your situation but I am wondering why you have to prove anything to your parents at all? Are you depending on them for something that has to do with the marriage? I guess I am confused. If I had suggested this to my daughter when she told me she was getting married she would have told me it was too bad and she was getting married anyway and I could forget my assignment. Is it because you want to please your parents, which is more important than your happiness? Is it because you are expecting them to pay for an extravagant wedding that you won't get if you don't please them? I am NOT trying to be negative at all but I don't understand why your parents feel you have to prove anything to them to be happy. On the other hand I would explain to your parents all the reasons why you love your fiance if you have to make a list and check it twice! Ecplain to them that he is sweet and kind and makes your heart flutter and you can talk to him about any and everything and you feel with him as you have no one else and that you agree on what you want to do with your life together and that you want to have ?? children together and raise them together and that you want to grow old together to see your grandchildren and that you want to see the world together and take care of each other in your old age.......etc, etc, etc. I would tell them EVERYTHING that you love about him and to convince them make a list and if the list is on a sheet of paper 10 feet long or takes 5 sheets, it would be even more convincing. I would say this is strictly a matter of your hearts and not something you are going to find in a book or a quote and that if you feel this is important and has to be done that you take your time to either make a speech or write to them and make it long and detailed, as I have described. BUT I still don't understand it!!!

Ok.. well given the fact that you're 22 yrs old I don't think you need to prove anything. So this is all I'm going to say.. you're a grown up so start acting like one. If you love your fiancee and think that he'd make a great husband and you want to spend the rest of your life with him then thats all that should matter. If your parents don't like him tough, they aren't the ones marrying him you are. If you can't make a decision to marry someone on your own without your parents influence then you don't need to be getting married. If you want to make this grown up commiment then be a grown up and make it. If you can't do it without parental permission then frankly you don't need to be doing it cause you're not adult enough to handle what a marriage needs to make it work. Now some might think what I've said is harsh but frankly its the truth and you need to be told it.

I took a marriage and family relations about a year ago, and one assignment we had was to answer our expectations of married life: How will you handle money? Joint or seperate banking? Savings/debt. Division of chores? Religious beliefs and practices? Number of children? Child care? Discipline? Communication? Individual Freedom? Privacy/Openness? Vacations and Travel? TV and video games? In-laws, and holidays I think after you talk about these with your fiance and come to agree on the topics, your parents will be better able to see how you work as a couple. There's also a book called "1001 Questions to ask before you get married" that you could use as a guideline.

HI JJ, To prove ur love with for ur fianace, just do something that really convience ur parents.Like show them u both have strong understanding and love for each other. and can lead ur life happily.