Forgiveness
By kangel48446
@kangel48446 (507)
United States
March 28, 2008 3:00pm CST
My husband (boyfriend at the time) had cheated on me with my best friend (at the time). After some time, I was able to forgive my boyfriend and we're now married. As for my friend, I wasn't able to look past it because everytime I talked to her.. I was worried about what her next move was. She constantly would lie to me just to get close to him again. Even though I don't want to be friends with her, I want to be able to forgive her because I know it's not healthy.
Have any of you had experiences like this? How were you able to get over the deceit of a loved one?
4 people like this
11 responses
@mbcousins (116)
• United States
29 Mar 08
kangel48446..you are a very nice person.!! You are a real lover. I believe the act of forgiving is the most powerful demonstration that we can do. It releases so much new power to love when it is done properly. I also think that we will do this one the rest of our lives (if you are trying to be a better person) AA, NA and alot of the twelve step programs have, I think it is the 4th step, where you are guided through forgiving and being forgiven. I used to think that it was eas, quick and not painful but when I was taught the correct way, if it is done right, it is like nothing ever happened in the first place. Now thats powerful. PEACE
Good topic
1 person likes this
@ciades (1623)
• Philippines
29 Mar 08
It's such a very complicated situations dear. Well, definitely if im like you who just forgive your boyfriend and now its your husband.. Will me i don't think if i can do that. I can forgive them both but i can't give to them what we had before. And definitely his not my husband right now but just a part of my worst past.
Your boyfriend and your bestfriend? what ah...My advice is just give HER forgiveness but friendship is difficulty and hard to be accepted again. IF me, i can't call her my bestfriend anymore but ex bestfriend will be can handle..
My point is if you will forgive her again with an acceptance of your being bestfriends for one more chance. ARe you sure you can trust her totally 99 percent? That is not a healthy thing too...that my advice and its up to you if are favor with it.
TRUST is hard to return to a person who cheated you as like what happened in your situation. Praying for the best for you!
@kangel48446 (507)
• United States
30 Mar 08
I'm not trying to forgive her to "mend" our friendship, this is more for my own benefit not hers. There is no way that I can trust her again.
1 person likes this
@mbs730 (2147)
• Canada
29 Mar 08
Oh man, wow, thats rough. I am so sorry that happened and I can't say I have had anything drastic like that happen to me but I have had to deal with many other incidents of so-called friends hurting me badly and meaning to as well! I am just wondering though, why were you able to forgive your boyfriend since he slept with her? As we know forgiveness is the best approach but I have a REALLY hard time letting things go. It is best to forgive for your own piece of mind and maybe one day I'll get there. I also used to think that forgiving meant condoning the action of the other person. I couldn't do that... but there is a difference between doing that and moving on. If you find a way to move on and not let the anger get to you anymore, let me know.. I need to practice some of that.
@mbs730 (2147)
• Canada
30 Mar 08
Ah, I understand. I sure know what its like when we do something wrong to someone who has wronged us. Perhaps its their karma or if its the other way around, its our karma. But you are right.. two wrongs DONT make a right. If we feel wronged in some way our first response is to retaliate and I still do that if I feel like I have been violated somehow by someone. It's just makes things worse... I have had to learn that over and over again. I also thought marriage for me would solve my problems, but for different reasons, it made them worse in many ways. Marriage is sure not the answer. Have you by any chance considered marital counseling? It may help to have someone help you both through what happened. Again I am sorry you are having to go through this. Forgiveness IS so hard, I am no where near being able to do that with my own issues. Holding onto anger is so bad, and yet we do it.
@kangel48446 (507)
• United States
30 Mar 08
I think the main reason why I felt that I needed to forgive him was because I had cheated on him prior. In a sense, I felt like Karma was just coming back around. I don't think he would of ever done that if I hadn't done it first. However, I'm not saying two wrongs make it right. This was just my way of justifying the situation.
I'm still having a hard time letting things go, even with my husband. We weren't married at the time and I think when I decided to get married, I was almost looking for an "answer" to all our problems. We don't argue as often as before BUT when we do, I still bring her up into the conversation.
@whywiki (6066)
• Canada
28 Mar 08
Wow it must have been hard to forgive him. I have been cheated on by past loves and it sure hurts. I think that having a girlfriend who you have trusted do this to you is really horrible. She really doesn't deserve your forgiveness it was crossing a boundary that us as women should never cross. I think it is an unwritten kind of law that you don't do your girlfriends men or suffer the consequences.
@kangel48446 (507)
• United States
30 Mar 08
That's exactly how I feel. She crossed a line that should of never been crossed. I cannot be friends with her. She has asked me to "mend our friendship" and that will never happen.
I'm still having a hard time with him.. but it gets easier each day. The trust is still hard.. especially when she's involved.
@graceandowen (1637)
•
28 Mar 08
Fortunatly i have not had an experience like yours. I have however had a partner cheat on me and it is the worst feeling ever. If im honest i dont think the worry of them doing it again ever went away for me maybe im just an untrusting person tho.
I admire you a great deal if you can forgive both your husband and your friend as i dont think i would be able to do the same in your situation. I wish you the best in doing so :)
@kangel48446 (507)
• United States
30 Mar 08
That's the thing, I honestly don't feel like I can forgive my friend for it. I felt that I needed to work things out with him because he is the father of my children and I do really love him. We went through a lot to be together. The trust is slowly coming back.. but it's going to take a LONG time to get over what happened. I can't just forget.
@Sexy_sam13 (14)
•
29 Mar 08
You must be desprate to take him back! Sorry if the truth hurts!
Did u even get revenge on him?
Well you no if u havnt... well i think that u should!
And marrying him WELL... ur a fool no affense! Have you ever heared of the thing called... ONCE A CHEAT ALWAYS A CHEAT!!
My dvise is... Get rid!!
@kangel48446 (507)
• United States
30 Mar 08
I don't believe that saying, "once a cheater always a cheater". People can change but only when they are ready to. Technically, he was getting revenge on me because I was the one cheating before he was with her. He gave me a choice, and my decision was to stay with him and be a family with him and our daughters. That's all I'm trying to do is live my life as a wife and a mother.
@chiyosan (30184)
• Philippines
29 Mar 08
i guess you should try to understand her now and maybe she has changed.... you are now married with you husband... perhaps you ought to start a new with your bestfriend too..
it is not healthy to hold grudges and it will break you more than her.
maybe if you need to do just one thing, talk to her tell her how she made you feel. whether she accepts it or now.. i think it should at least settle something.
as for me, i have not felt deceit from a bestfriend like you have. im glad.. maybe if i did i will not be able to look at my bf the same way...
@vera5d (4005)
• United States
29 Mar 08
my son's dad cheated on me once...he lied about it still even when i had the proof in my hand and confronted him about it...because of that i couldn't see it being worthwhile to stay with him...you have to be able to be honest with each other...had he been honest i probably would have been a lot more understanding.
@wy2008 (185)
• China
29 Mar 08
i sympathize that you have such a friend . is she really your best friend ?how she could do this to you . if i have such kind of friend , i will get crazy . if i wre you , i will break up with your best friends , then i will persuade myself to forget this and start my new life.
@magrylouyu (1627)
• United States
29 Mar 08
I cant say I have. But that must be hard. I would find it very difficult to forgive her too. She was supposed to be your best friend. I would have found it hard to forgive my boyfriend if he would ever cheated on me... altough I would find it more hard now that we're married, I'd be done no questions asked! I hope you come to a conlusion, I think you should just tell her that you forgive her but wont ever forget and probably try to be friends if that would work... good luck
