My Son
By pergammano
@pergammano (7682)
Canada
April 7, 2008 7:22am CST
My son has been living with a lady for six years. They come to my home often, she has never made a bed, did a dish, ...and she very seldom will speak to me in the morning. She gets her butt out of bed, sits on the couch..that's it!
I go to work anywhere from 4 to 5:30 every morning! I arrive home, she's sitting on the couch...(I am an open & gregarious person) I say "good morning" and she grunts at me!
Now the hurt! My son took me to task...and said I was rude to his girlfriend...What? I make the only conversation...or try.....I cook the only food in this house (have tried for 6 years to get her support).....have tried my heart out to be the Mother a son would like for his future wife. I don't judge, but the sh_t hit the fan, Sat. a.m. Friday nite, she phoned me to borrow 24,000 dollars to finish her course (massage therapist.) I agree (my son's girlfriend) I arrive at her house Sat a.m.....she opens door, puts battery out for my lawnmower (never speaks,slams door in my face)......HELP....I've been crying my eyes out....What have I done wrong......Love and Give toooooo much! PS; I bought them a new boat...life jackets....full stereo system 4 Xmas...I just had my 61st birthday......and I didn't even get a card? Am I being too sensitive?Thanks to all my good friends...I need your support!
5 people like this
23 responses
@Chey1970 (1186)
• United States
7 Apr 08
Hello pergammano!
I am sorry to find you in such distress. I can feel your pain, and your aggravation. Seems I am going through the same thing right now, with my son's wife. It was only this weekend that I reached the final straw, when she stole $150.00 from me. She can live here, til they get their own place, but I will not give them another dime. They eat what we have cooked, or she can go eat at her mom's.
It's like Ldyjarhead said, the more you give, the more they will expect from you. I know how hard it is to say "NO", but sometimes that is exactly what we have to do.
Now her asking to borrow $24,000.00 from you, and the way she previously treated you. I think you should have said "NO" in the get go. I think after she slammed the door in my face, I would have knocked on it, til she opened it.. And then politely told her, I was cancelling the check!! Unless you gave her cash. Then I would have asked for it back.
I truly hope things get better for you! *hugs*
3 people like this
@sid556 (30959)
• United States
8 Apr 08
Chey...after reading your comment, I had to go into your profile. Kudos...you look nowhere old enough to have a son old enough to have a wife!! One of my daughter's boyfriends tried staying with me for free. that lasted not long at all. I caught my daughter doing his laundry here after booting him out. Big NO NO. I warned her. One nite I came home and found his clothes in my dryer. I was kind enough to bag them up before dumping them in the dumpster. He threatened to trash my house for that one as the dumpster was empty when I did it and not when he went to retrieve them. he had some dumpster diving to do. He never did his laundry at my house again so it worked.
2 people like this
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
8 Apr 08
Chey....Once again, you are one of my friends here I respect so much...Thank you for being one of the flowers I love so much.
How do you stop giving...I have worked all my life...and give to my son, I am so blessed to have him....but I am stupid/smart...If I don't love his "lady" will I lose him.
It's so about drawing the line...and where you draw it! Thank you, my flower!
1 person likes this
@Chey1970 (1186)
• United States
9 Apr 08
Yes, sid, I am old enough to have a son who is married. I am 38 and he is 19. We each had our first child at 18.
I never went as far as to throw her clothes out, but I have been mean enough, that if she wants her clothes washed, she will do them herself, and only when it isn't in use already. With 6 people living here, and one a 5 month old, the washer is always in use. *LOL*
I realize it is very wrong of me, but I have lost total respect for the woman/girl/child whatever you want to refer to her as.
However, if I ever it the gulls to throw her out, I won't regret it. But that 5 month old keeps me from doing so. One thing I did make known to my son, is I have lost respect for the woman, and we have no quarrels about it.
1 person likes this
@Ldyjarhead (10233)
• United States
7 Apr 08
When people are given a lot, they usually expect more.
It sounds to me like you've given enough. I'd say it's time to back off.
Her behavior is rude, but you're not her mother. For your son to allow it to continue, however, is inexcusable.
Why would anyone expect YOU to pay for her schooling? And why are you agreeing to it?
2 people like this
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
7 Apr 08
Thank you, so much! Love my friends, on MyLot! Are you a Mother, dearest? These funny little things you brought into the world have a strange way of making you lose your mind! OK...you're really right....BUT, and there is a but..I have never had anything...but if I can give I will. Love your levelheadeness....go, girl,go. Thank you...Rainbows!
1 person likes this
@Ldyjarhead (10233)
• United States
7 Apr 08
Yes, I have two sons, 23 and 26.
And I also know that it's easy for me to say since it is not me that is facing this situation.
Good luck, my friend, and God bless ...
2 people like this
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
8 Apr 08
Have always respected everything you write....Thank You for taking your time & effort to assuage me. You are a special angel. I do NOT want dissention in my family....I am so lucky to have one child. I was given a blessing, would like it to stay that way, and really would like to stride everyday to be the best person I can. Thank you, my friend, I so respect your thoughts. Cheers
1 person likes this
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
7 Apr 08
That is really terrible, and you deserve way better treatment than that pergammano, this is total disrespect from the pair of them when you have done so much for them. You sound like a wonderful mum, and they do not deserve all the things you do for them, I am so sorry you did not even get a card, happy birthday though. You are not being to sensitive I would be extremely hurt too if I was treated like that. Firstly, you need to stop trying so hard, take a step back and stop being so willing to help out, try and talk to her, try and ask if she has a problem with you and see what happens, this is what I would do first off. I hope things get better for you. Take care.
2 people like this
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
7 Apr 08
I would like to thnk I am a good Mom. I want so much for my son to have a whole lot more than I had.....maybe the wrong thing. You seem to have so much insight...are you the Lord's Special Angel....I am 61...and this issue has had me up for the last 2 nights crying! I am not the 61 you picture, I just spent 11 hours falling trees and cleaning, burning yesterday....I am active, I think I'm 29 (three times recycled LOL)
LOVE YOU POSTINGS...LOVE YOUR COMMENTS..........THANKS, MY FRIEND.
1 person likes this
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
10 Apr 08
No I am pretty sure that you are a very spritely 61 year old, my dad is 61 and he still goes to the gym for an hour every day, so to me 61 is young when I think of him! I really hope that you have managed to sort things out on this a little bit more since I last commented, and I hate to think of you being so upset, so I hope you feel a little happier now. Take care x
1 person likes this
@beaniecat (329)
• United States
8 Apr 08
I think it is appallig that he is treating his mother this way. Just remember - if you give her the $24,000 you will never see it again. If she is serious about finishing her massage therapist course, she will find a way. Does it really cost that much to get a license? I wish you the best. I hope you don't give to the point that you can't take care of yourself.
2 people like this
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
8 Apr 08
Thank you! Yes, in B.C. it is a 3 yr. course...and highly governmentally regulated. But you are so right, given her past history of completing things, this may never come to fruition. I took some other kind advice from another myLotter and closed my cheque book last nite! Don't know if I did the right thing...but I guess we never do. Once again, Thank you!
@babystar22 (127)
• United States
8 Apr 08
From your side she sounds like an ungreatful brat! Now ok maybe she doesnt know how to cook and is embarassed for you to find out. Maybe she is feeling outshined by your motherly abilities. However anyone who is willing to let me borrow that much cash I would at least say thank you, myself would do more then that but thats just me. However like evrything there are 2 sides to every story. While what you have to say about her I would in your case talk to her, dont talk to your son about her that just makes it worse. Also STOP just stop doing so much when she is so ungreatful. I feel bad she is treating you this way but you just have to keep your chin up and dont cry over it because it doesnt sound as though she is worth the effort to cry. Hope your situation gets better.
2 people like this
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
8 Apr 08
You are so right....there are 2 sides to every situation! BUT, you know what, my friend.....I would give the world to know her side, and why she will make "NO" effort for this to be a solid family unit! The reason I am (6 yrs) making this effort is because I would love this to be a happy family Cheers!
@jacksome (30)
• China
8 Apr 08
It's a shame for you son and her girlfriend especially for the girl !!!!
I don't know why you do those things!when your son was 18 old,he has been an adult!So he should depend on himself,but I know parents' hearts,they always their children can lead a better life,and giving some financial support is OK!But to one's anger,they don't feel any appreciate just know asking for!I think you can spend something on yourself just let yourself have a good life,your pay is enough,it's time for your son to pay for you!
I will graduate from the university and work in the July,and I will work hard to let my parents have a good life,they encounter a lot of hardish for bringing up me and my brothers!
Wish you have a good mood later!
2 people like this
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
8 Apr 08
Wow....your parents have to be really proud of you....as the world will be! You are so right, you always want your children to have more than you had...And you have such a wonderful attitude! Best of luck in your studies, keep being the shining star you are! Cheers!
@surfette (673)
• United States
8 Apr 08
When you are a guest in someone's home, whether you are a relative or not, you should be respectful. This "lady" and I use the term lightly, is being a self-centered little brat and is disrespecting you. When someone says "good morning" a grunt is not acceptable. That being said, your son is being influenced by the bad behavior of this woman as well.
If you are asking for advice, this is what I would do. Stop all monetary gifts or gifts of any kind to BOTH of them. I would be busy on the weekends for awhile and they would have to find someplace else to spend their time. You will find that if you don't spoil them and stop letting them get away with this behavior, they might start to think about respect and the consequences for their actions. You don't even have to have words with them, just back off. Believe me, they WILL get the message.
1 person likes this
@surfette (673)
• United States
8 Apr 08
I enjoyed your response as well and thanks for your kind words about my advice. The reason I know that this works, is that I have a very similar situation with my son and daughter-in-law (she grunts too)! If my experience has helped you, it makes me very happy. I loved the "ashes" response. You really made me smile. Good Luck!
Thanks for the best response too.
1 person likes this
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
8 Apr 08
Where have you been all my life.........I am floored, by your wise words! These are all the things running thru my mind, but have NOT implemented...other than closing my chequebook. Now....to make you laugh....I have purchased a camper (it's nice) so when they come every weekend, they have their own little piece of paradise...and I don't have to pick up after them!
Thank you...thank you....and just to share, when I explained to my son, any liens I take out against my home will be his to pay...we got on the conversation of my demise.....I told him I wanted to be cremated...he asked "why" and what to do with the ashes....I said I want him to scatter them all over his house so he can clean up after me....it broke the ice, with a little humour! Thanks for being you! Cheers.
1 person likes this
@ronaldinu (12422)
• Malta
15 Jan 09
Hi Pergammano, I hope that the relationship with your son or rather with his partner has improved during the last ten months. It seems that you have started on the wrong foot with this lady. Maybe it is not your fault. It seems that her attitude does not do much to better the relationship between you too. Sometimes we cannot control who we like or not. Sometimes you might like a person while another repels you. However we can control our emotions and at least show respect towards our relatives.
I think you did the right think for not lending him money especially if you did not have that large amount of money. Plus she is not showing you any respect.
Recently I moved house and I needed an extra $6,000 otherwise I would have lost a garage besides my house. I asked our parents but my parents said that they could not afford to. My in laws could afford to lend me half of the sum. A colleague of mine saw me worried and when I told her what I was going through she lend me the other half which I repaid in a year. I paid them as soon as I could. I gave her an extra payment as an interest but she refused. I really appreciated her gesture.
I knew that my parents could afford to lend me at least half of the sum. I don't know why they refused to help me in time of need. But I know that I have three other brothers and sisters. Maybe one of them asked for help and they refused to. Especially if my younger brother who really wastes his money on trivial things. Anyway at first I was going to be sulky but then I know all the hardwork they went into to raise me up witha good educaiton. I never failed them respect.
1 person likes this
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
15 Jan 09
Well, dear ronaldinu....here it is 10 months later, the situation with my future daughter-in-law has not changed that much! I have just changed and adapted to her, as I know that she will always be the way she is! I, now don't expect anything....so am not hurt when nothing is forthcoming! And if you knew me, you would know this hurts, BUT I will NOT jeopardize my relationship with my son, because of this! It just took me quite a while to come to terms with the kind of relationship that I will forever have with her....I know that it will be just one of tolerance (and I really wanted it to be one of love & respect.) It is the emotional side that gets to me more than the fact that she wants money.
I am sorry your parents couldn't help you (and as a parent, there must have been some reason (serious reason)) they did not contribute! Possibly something they didn't want to share and burden you with....and am so glad the in-laws stepped in!
So...kudos to you, my friend...your in-laws stepped in.....why???? Because you have shown them the warmth & respect that they deserve....welcomed them into your heart! I would have done this for Andrea (son's girlfriend) even tho' it would have been a hardship for me....if only I could gleen that from her!
Just yesterday my son borrowed $2500.00 from me to buy a truck that he is going to turn into a snow plow.....I really can't afford it (I need a new truck) but my lot in life is to be here for my son! The riotous thing about this, is his Father lives in a luxurious home, with a 60 foot motorhome, and has the income of a retired Senior Pilot of Air Canada (about $7000.00 per month) plus his old age pension of another $1200 per month.....and our son is "unsure" enough of his father to ask him! No money can buy the relationship I have with my son, it's just that there will always be that little tweek of hurt with his girlfriend!
Thanks for understanding!
@djmarion (4898)
• Philippines
7 Apr 08
i think your son found a very insensitive and inconsiderate lady for a future wife. i don't think their relationship will ever be at peace. being her future mother in law the girl should be at least polite if not sweet to you, she should not be that rude. and she has the nerve to ask money from you, goodness, what kind of lady is that, I'm sorry if I'm way too harsh but i hate people who has no respect to the people in their surrounding.
2 people like this
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
8 Apr 08
Thank you for your kindness & support! I have tried with all my heart, for the 6 years they have been together, to be the Mother In Law to be loved. I have failed, but I do not know where to go....how often do you suck it up...and then it all falls apart....I HAVE to be the best person I can...cuz my heart tells me I can't negate my son! Honestly, I am a kind..kind person....I do NOT have 24,000 to lend this girl...but I could & would take out a mortgage...Thank you, please take care!
1 person likes this
@ycanteye (778)
• United States
8 Apr 08
Sounds like she has a major problem. If I were you I certainly wouldn't loan her the $2400 nor would I spend that kind of money for gifts for either of them in the future. Hopefully your son will finally come around and realize the problem is with his girlfriend and not you.
1 person likes this
@ycanteye (778)
• United States
9 Apr 08
Its good to do something for yourself once in a while and does wonders for the spirit. Sounds like you are working darned hard for your money and should get to enjoy some of it.
I used to own a business and still have rental properties and some of my tenants are better off than I am. No one seems to understand that with a business comes expenses for some reason they think all the money that comes your way is yours to keep. Boy do we have news for them huh?
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
9 Apr 08
Lucky to have a friend like you....aren't I. Thanks for re-affirmation that I am here for my child. Gifts are not happening anymore....a boat, tires for his truck....and you'll love this....bought my first 2 pair of shoes in 17 years. Local recycle store gave me a bag of clothes two days ago....LOL....I just don't do for me....I work average day 16 hours, have 3 businesses, so people think I am rich.....LOL....gas is over $7.00 per gallon here, for one of my businesses.....Landscaping?maintenance.....sorry, just ranting. I am 61 yrs young...I am booked solid for next 23 weeks/7 days a week....that's why my kids think I have money....I don't...labour for machine repair is $65.00 an hour...have to take machines off Island...Ferry Fare over $120.00 Sorry to have taken this out on you! Please always, be a special flower.
@sid556 (30959)
• United States
8 Apr 08
no you are not being too sensitive at all. Do NOT lend this woman that money. She is not your child and she is rude and disrespectful to you. 24,000.00 is a lot of money. my daughter wanted to be a massage therapist. It was more than I had but not that much. There were payment plans that we could have worked with had she not changed her mind. Why should you pay anything towards this rude girls education or anything for that matter? She could get her education and leave your son and some other man would benefit from that education. think about that before forking over your money. you owe this girl nothing. You are trying too hard. Sometimes I cant give my daughter and son-in-law anything much at all. I feel horrible because I really would love to give them everything. they are both wonderful people. They laugh and tell me to stop being silly. they love me and respect me regardless of what I can and can't give. They know if I have it...I'll give it and I do. If my son in law treated me like your son's lady, I'd not want to give a thing and i wouldn't even if I had it.
2 people like this
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
8 Apr 08
Thank you for your absolutely wise input....You have given me a rainbow day!
2 people like this
@queenofarms (1659)
• United States
7 Apr 08
I completely understand. My second oldest daughter is engaged to this guy who thinks the world owns him everything. I took them in when they had no place to go. All they had to pay was half the rent. I asked if they could help with food but never seen any money. He was totally filthy. Never lifted a finger to mow grass,do dishes,laundry...etc. He would stay up all night and sleep all day. When they moved in he had no job. I had to make him get up and go find a job.
Like you I am to giving. But it all came to an end and I made them move out. I helped them find a place to live. Now they are moving in with his mother. They can afford where they live but they don't like the landlord. So he goes back to living off of someone else. Its so sad because they have a baby together.
2 people like this
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
8 Apr 08
What a strange world we live in...my heart is with you, there is that special little bundle....didn't choose this world for itself...! I know it my heart that you gave everything you could, because you would..just by your postings! Thank you so much, for your comments...my dearest, Cheers!
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32191)
• United States
8 Apr 08
A part of this rant kind of confused me. In the beginning you say that your son has been living with the lady and in a later part you made it seem that she has been living with you.
I would definitely stop on the giving part, all together. It seems to me that you have given all you should until you have received some in return. A selfish lady she seems to be and one that would be befitting for any son.
2 people like this
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
8 Apr 08
Sorry dearest, if I clouded the issue...I think that I was totally clouded when I wrote my post. She has Never live with me (and I hope never). I live on a small Island, her & my son come home often, for the weekend...she once again has not been a family contributer....but always needy! PAY ATTENTION to me..OR ELSE!
No contribution....but always needs contributions, if you know what I am saying.
Gotta tell her she's gorgeous every day! Fall at her feet...or she pouts!
I'm sorry if you think it was a rant, I just am confused, and have some wonderful friends, here on myLot, who'se opinions I highly respect.
1 person likes this
@walijo2008 (4644)
• United States
8 Apr 08
Hello...First of all, how old is your son and his girlfriend? I would imagine he is old enough to take care of himself by now. I know its hard but you need to practice tough love, if you keep giving and giving, there will never be an end to it, they'll just expect you to keep doing it. I know, because I have a brother who is 27yrs old, and he's still calling mom all the time wanting her to do this and that, and him and his girlfriend are getting ready to have a baby. He's already done a few things to mom, that made me mad, but he's her only son, and she thinks she has to do what he wants, she has 4 other daughters, counting me. She had to learn the hard way, to let him do things on his own, cause he needs to grow up and be a man. He don't hardly talk to me anymore, but thats okay, at least he realizes now what he did, and that he needs to grow up some, and quit being a momma's boy. sounds tough, but you'll have to quit being so giving, or you'll just keep paying for it.
1 person likes this
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
9 Apr 08
First, let me say...what a pretty name...is it Haitian?
My son is 28...he does have a good job....but this is a tough world! He is cautious and good with his money....but (please understand) you can't help who you fall in love with. So, I respect his decision! It's who he loves....that doesn't (or seems to me) take anything seriously!
Thanks to my good friends on myLot...I did not borrow the money (re-mortgage)as I am not sure that she will even finish this course! She is 22 and just HAD to finish her GED in order to start this course.
Here's the laugh....I was a paramedic for 13 yrs. HER father is soooooo arrogant, that when he failed the EMA/IFA course...he went to court to fight his marks. (Sorry, I was on same course with him.) My history with this girl is long...like 17 years. This is Not "snap decision."
But because of the insight people like you have given me....I'm a more confident person. Thank you, lovely spirit...Thank you!
@Lindalinda (4111)
• Canada
8 Apr 08
My dear friend,
You are being used. Why would you agree to give this much money to a rude person like that. The time will come soon when you need all the money you have got unless you expect a fantastic pension. Stop crying and put your foot down and keep your cheque book closed. Your son loves you for what you are and not how much you give. I hope so anyway. No, no you are not too sensitive, you have been way too kind. You are not this girl's mother and you may never see this money again. Please do not them take advantage of you any longer.
1 person likes this
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
8 Apr 08
Wow...another wise owl...Thank you for taking time to comment, I soooo respect the good people on myLot! I did "bite the bullet" so to speak, and explain to him last nite that a good family unit is built on respect, courtesy...and love, NOT money! Thank you, my friend!
@mflower2053 (3223)
• United States
8 Apr 08
wow I wish my mother in law would even try to talk to me. I'm not asking for gifts I just would like her to stop being so fake. Your a good person but stop giving them so much. Its almost as if your trying to buy their love. I know its hard for you b/c you seem like your a person with a big heart even when someone is stepping on it. Instead of spending all that money on them spend it on yourself. Treat yourself to a vacations a girls night out get a man if you don't have one or even just a dance partner. Step back alittle and let them live their life and I know its hard but think more of yourself. When they grow up and need you they will come to you and realize what kind of person you are and have been the whole time. Maybe your son will lose that awful girlfriend of his. I would also talk to my son about how he hurt your feelings. Just to let him know. Good luck.
1 person likes this
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
9 Apr 08
Wow...now I know why you have flower in your name...you are definitely a treasured one!
To have a kind and thoughtful daughter-in-law like you would be more than I could hope for! Stay as precious as you are!
Thank you for you kindness & support......could YOU find me a dance partner? LOL!
I always worry, that I haven't given enough, or will be able to leave enough, because it is so hard for you young people today!
I know money doesn't buy love....but sometimes life is easier for you, if you have a soft place to land. Rainbows to you, Flower Girl.
@natash121 (219)
• Australia
9 Apr 08
oh i definately would nt loan her the money, I didnt say that you should. I think you are definately wrong in saying that nobody in this world gives without expecting back, I am no angel but I dont expect anything in return. If she s nasty to you it will come back and bite her on the bum, if your nice to her then something good will come around to you.
1 person likes this
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
9 Apr 08
You have missed my pain...it's not about the money....it's about the respect!
I guess there's some kind & gentle things you must learn too, and only my many years of life help me to still be .... a soft place to land.
Please read your last statement......it's what I am saying...and beleaguering your point. If you give...you do expect.
Have a special flower day!
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
8 Apr 08
I am sorry bu your son and his lady seem to me to be users and not givers.You have bent over backwards helping them and givingf them you probably had a hard time to buy and they show little appreciation for that.It is now time to tellthem toget off their lazy butts and get to work and quit taking and start givinga little.You are not too sensitive, my God you gavethewoman 24,000 dollars so you are due some thanks and an apology from them. speak to yourson you are his mom and he needs to respect you. He should be taking you out to dinner for your birthday Happy Birthday to you.andmy prayers too.
1 person likes this
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
8 Apr 08
Are you peeking in the window of my soul? LOL! NO, my friend, I listened to myLotters....I did not give the money....I do not have the money, I would have had to take out a second mortgage! Guilty as called....when I grew up parents did this sort of thing for their kids.....but we never expect anything back! I guess I was just hopeful that I could smooth some of the "ruts" in their lives, and because of the help of all you good people I have become wiser & stronger! Thank you!
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
8 Apr 08
Thank you! What I would really like from her (them) is more respect, but I guess you get what you deserve! I should not have been so compliant for so long, and then they would understand that I have parameters, too! Cheers!
