This One's Just For You
By Sparks
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
Regina, Saskatchewan
April 16, 2008 12:15am CST
Last night I learned that my father is very ill and probably going to pass away soon. There is so much I want still to convey to him. But we live so far away from each other. So I have written it down instead.
And while writing it, and trying to decide whether to post it here or not, I thought about my friends here. And my mind kept coming back to my favorite 'fish'.
I love our P1ke and because he is a father of a daughter he clearly cherishes, I want to share this poem I have written for my Dad, with our P1ke. Here it is.
This one's just for you.
To help you understand
The the grays of my life
Are more predominant than the black and whites.
Like a vine growing slowly
I hardly noticed the change
And like a flower slowly dying
I too began to lose parts of myself
In the fascination and confusion
Created as I learned about the multiple facets of love.
If I could believe
That the world in all it's complexities
Was simply black and white
There would be no need to make apologies
For all the times I've let you down.
I can not deny my own realities
And I have found that to define the black and whites
I must stumble through my grays alone.
And you must have the understanding
To let me find myself
Among all the roots and instersecting vines of life
That try to claim me for their own.
For without my personal freedom to make my own choices
Right or wrong, black or white
I will never be able to distinguish
What is really gray and what is not.
Trust that I love you, know that I respect you
And try to understand
That my lifestyle is not a rejection of your own
But a searching for my place within a world
That leaves me more than a little confused
When I find myself lost in other people's judgements
Not of who I am, but what I ought to be.
4 people like this
8 responses
@theprogamer (10534)
• United States
17 Apr 08
Spark I'm rendered speechless.
I know you've sent it to your father, but why not have it made into a card (maybe a large one) and deliver it to him. It may not be much, but I think it'd be wonderful for him to have that way too. Probably a stretch, but its something that came to mind. Maybe make it into a picture and hang it up on the wall or mantle for yourself, along with his photo.
I don't know what else to say for your father or for you. You know you have my thoughts and well wishes. If by some chance he can recover or hang on much longer, I hope it happens. If not, I still wish for the best, whatever it may be.
3 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
17 Apr 08
Actually the credit goes to Darkwing (see above). She gave me a great idea and I ran with it.
1 person likes this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
17 Apr 08
Thanks gamer. Actually, on the advice of others who have posted here, I have now printed this out on lovely parchment paper and put it into a hinged frame which holds the poem on the left and in the frame on the right is one of my black and white close up photos I took many years ago of the morning glory vines that used to grow up the cedar shingles of my parent's house. They were past flowering as it was late fall, and some of the leaves were dying off. When I saw this picture side by side with the poem and re-read the words of the poem, I knew I had a perfect compliment. The gift has now been wrapped and tomorrow I will be air expressing it to my Dad. He is going to be thrilled. He will recognize the vines and shingles and I hope so much the poem will touch him too.
1 person likes this
@Darkwing (21583)
•
17 Apr 08
That's very touching my friend, and I feel P1kefish will be touched in the same way your father would, to read the words of a loving daughter.
I would suggest you copy that, and send it to your father, in the hope that it will be read by him, or to him, before he leaves this world. If he doesn't get to read it, I would frame it, in a waterproof frame, and place it on his place of rest.
Thank you for sharing such beautiful words with us, and I hope that when your father's time of passing comes, he will leave in peace of the knowledge of your love and appreciation for him. Brightest Blessings, and condolences, my friend. xx
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
17 Apr 08
What a lovely response and I thank you Darkwing.
I have already sent it to my Dad. But I love your idea of framing it and laying it to 'rest' with him. I will make sure that happens. He would love that too.
2 people like this
@Darkwing (21583)
•
17 Apr 08
Thank you, my friend, for BR. I'm glad you liked the idea of framing and laying to rest your beautiful words, and yes, I'm sure you Dad would like it that he can carry those words with him the the otherworld.
Keep faith, my friend, and a big ((((HUGGGG)))) from me. x
2 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
17 Apr 08
Hugs to you too (((((((((((((((((((((((((DARKWING))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I think my father would like you. I know I do.
3 people like this
@raijin (10345)
• Philippines
16 Apr 08
It's a nice piece, I hope that your dad could find a time to read it. That's nice of you also, to share your feelings towards your dad. I myself, is not that close with my father because he's always away at work since we were still kids. I'm not sure if I would have the guts to speak to him directly, to tell him how much I value and respect his hardships just to provide us something to put in our dinner plates. I hope that time would come to me sooner, since I also have lots of things to say to him as a son and the eldest of three sibling..
2 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
16 Apr 08
Hello raijin. My Dad was away too most of the time when we were growing up. It wasn't until I was married that we really found time for each other. By then he was retired, which made it easier. Find time for your Dad. He needs to know how you feel and how much you respect him. Our parents are people too. They need to be hear they are valued as much as we as children do.
3 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
18 Apr 08
My condolences fec, and I will certainly take your advice. Thank you.
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
17 Apr 08
that is a lovely tribute to your father.he will love it even as he has tears in his eyes like I do. would that I could have had a relationship like that with my father but he betrayed me as a small child of eight and for that I have finally forgiven him not so much for himas for myself to rid myself of the poison of hate but I am so sorry that I cannot forget it. One should love and respect ones parents and I do love and respect my mom and yes I do love my father but no I do not respect him he lost that when I was eight. but this poem of yours is so warm and loving and so touching I still have tears in my eyes.
2 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
17 Apr 08
Then Hatley, pretend the poem is for your mother. It could very well be. I'm sorry it made you cry but at the same gratified that you were so touched. Thank you for your critique. And now I have tears in my eyes. Hugs sweets.
1 person likes this
@mysticalprincess (32)
• Philippines
16 Apr 08
It's a touching piece. Have your father read this?
2 people like this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
16 Apr 08
I've emailed it to him, but he hasn't replied yet. Thank you for reading it. And welcome to mylot.
1 person likes this
@wrangel15 (1443)
• Philippines
10 May 08
That's good. Many people aren't close with their parents that they don't even gave thank before they pass out. This is unusual on our time now. Some other are not very expressive. They have the gratitude in their hearts but are not able to say it verbally or through written media.
1 person likes this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
12 May 08
Thanks wrangel. Sometimes, all it takes it a touch of the hand and a smile right into their eyes. They know what you mean. Parents aren't stupid, thank God.
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
17 Apr 08
Thank you. But what did you really think?
You do write, right? I would be interested to see more of your own writing.
@tuxedoxpress (26)
• United States
17 Apr 08
Dear Sparks,
I understand that you are grieving in anticipation of the loss of your father. I lost my father four years ago and still find myself having intense moments of loss.
The poem is a wonderful way for you to share with him, but I would like to suggest that you tape record him sharing some things with you that he has learned. Ask him to tell you about the things that were important in his life, funny, sad, unexpected. Some of my most treasured memories are those my father shared of his early childhood.
Now is your chance to ask him questions that he will take the answers to with him when he goes. What attracted him to your mother? Who was his favorite cousin? teacher? movie star?
The advantage to the tape, over the written word, is that it requires less energy on his part and you will have the sound of his voice when he goes. This is especially important if you have, or ever will have children, and you want to tell them about their grandfather.
My only regret is that I didn't get MORE recordings of my father to share with my children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren.
1 person likes this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
17 Apr 08
Good thinking tuxedo. I live very far away from him now, but I'm a writer. OVer the years I used to tape his stories and convos at Christmas when the whole family got togther and a couple of martinis had Dad reminiscing. I have transcribed all of those stories and still have his voice on many tapes. It was while listened to these that it really came home to me that our parents are people too - personalities with histories other than as parents, and some deep in my soul shifted with that clarity of vision of them and changed the way I raised my own kids. Today I have a great relationship with my kids and a much better one with my parents.
