Not sure how to react to this
By trusko
@trusko (198)
April 18, 2008 1:46pm CST
Im currently at home looking after my baby daughter.
So obviously I do all the cooking, cleaning etc.
My hubby used to do his share, but that is a history.
The other day I said to him jokingly, when was the last time you have washed up.
And he replied, when was the last time you paid the mortgage.
Which is fair point, but I was still left feeling hurt.
I do not nag him, but I felt like I have to do everything now.
I do pay for all the food and for everything that our daughter needs from my maternity pay which isn't much.
I appreciate that he goes to work so we can live in our nice house. But when I was working I always paid my fair share.
I feel that lately he is reminding me all the time, that he has to pay for everything. I guess he is stressed out.
But it leaves me feeling low.
So I have decided that I will find cleaning job/ironing for few hours a week, so I can give him money towards bills. When I said that to him, he said he doesn't want that for me. (to be cleaning houses)
So not sure what to do?
6 people like this
15 responses
@Linda4ualways (2282)
• United States
18 Apr 08
Your hubby might have been in a sour mood at that particular time and therefore said what he said. Both of you are playing major roles in your household, both are working hard. He is working hard making sure that he provides a roof over your head and you are at home with your bundle of joy taking care of her as well as the chores in the house. As a singl mother of 3, I know how much of a job that is and I have a job also. Maybe you two could have a nice quiet dinner together and you can express to him how you feel.
2 people like this
@busta1 (1026)
• United States
18 Apr 08
dont worry all it is he is stressed out and tired.. and i agree with him i wouldnt want my wifey cleaning peoples house i would rather you not work than to do that cleaning house chit.. just keep on doing everything in the house trust me he appricates it he just dosent waant to say..
2 people like this
@wrdsofwisdm (1069)
• United States
18 Apr 08
Heck, I would take an ironing job to hire a cleaning lady part time to help me out.
Your husband took on the responsibility to pay the bills and he was involved in making your daughter. He says he doesn't want you to work but has now decided he's not going to help...that's not really fair. Throwing that in your face is not cool.
If he is stressed out, he should be sharing his woes with you so you can understand his sudden change in behavior. I think you should talk to him and tell him how stressed you are too. Maybe that will clear up the confusion and you will both understand eachother's position better.
1 person likes this
@recycledgoth (9894)
•
18 Apr 08
It is never easy to cope when you are staying at home and looking after a baby, and the housework too. Your husband must be feeling the stress too, but perhaps he could have been a little more sensitive to you. Perhaps it might be a good idea to sit down with him and talk about the situation, maybe he will realise that you are doing your best and that he should try to understand.
@vera5d (4005)
• United States
18 Apr 08
things are always stressful with a new baby in the house- you are probably exhausted & your hubby is probably missing the second income and worrying about making enough.
I would probably apologize to your hubby for saying that to him and he should hopefully apologize to you too. Then I think the two of you need to make some plans to go out together alone asap. And probably talk about things in a non-confrontational but problem solving way - like how you both could make more money or other ways you could get help around the house or a break or if maybe you'd want to downsize into a different house if it would make you both happier.
good luck!
1 person likes this
@trusko (198)
•
19 Apr 08
Hi Vera,
thank you for your response. the problem is not money. My hubby has a good job. In fact he is forever buying things for himself. The other day he bought a big TV for bedroom, which I thought was not neccesary. And then he says he is stress about money. To me, you don't go around buying things all the time and then say oh, Im stressed... He is forever on the internet buying this and that for himself.
I appreciate he wants to treat himself.
We did discuss however that we will start budgeting our food shopping expenses.
Take care ;-)
@Elixiress (3878)
•
19 Apr 08
I think it was just a cheap shot. You were joking when you said it, but he might have took it harder, just has you have the mortgage payment remark. So he wanted to prove that he was not a waste of space and did stuff.
@trusko (198)
•
19 Apr 08
Oh I would never think he is a waste of space. I fully appreciate what he does. I just don't understand why he doesn't help anymore.
I do feel tired lately as my little one is starting to demand my attention all the time and I have to manage to do everything. But im sure it will soon change after I go back to work ;-)
@Elixiress (3878)
•
20 Apr 08
Maybe you could explain that, say that you are feeling run down, so would he mind helping a little. Just add in that you understand that he has a full time job and needs time to relax, but when you get tired, you are likely to get pissed off more easy and that wouldn't be fair on anyone.
At least that is what I am like, if I get tired over a long period of time, I start getting pissy.
@lingli_78 (12822)
• Australia
19 Apr 08
i don't think that you have to take your husband's word too hard... i think he is just too tired and stressed out with his job... so just let it go and you don't have to do cleaning jobs if he doesn't want you to do that... just concentrate on looking after your baby daughter and i believe that your hubby really appreciate your efforts... he just doesn't say it loud...
@cwgrlsarefun (1581)
• United States
19 Apr 08
It is very hard to say as with men they are not the type to talk like woman and we never know what they are thinking or feeling for that matter. I would take it as him being stressed but I would talk with him and let him know how it makes you feel with what he said. Remind him that you did pay your share before the baby and now you still provide groceries and things for the baby. Come to an agreement that if he does not want for you to clean other peoples houses then he should not make those comments as you are the one staying home taking care of baby and him which is just like having a job. If he had to pay someone to do all that then he would have a complaint but because you do it he should not feel that way.
@chrysz (1602)
• Philippines
19 Apr 08
I agree with you that he might be stressed out but he must also consider the fact that you also get stressed with housework and little income. I know how it feels if you have enough money in your pocket and you spend on money from your own sweat. Cleaning houses or ironing other people's cloth is a decent job but some people just can't accept their partners doing these things because it might reflect on them as a provider. If he will allow you to do it, he should be accepting to himself that he is not a good financial provider. If you can find a parttime job that is almost the same with your previous jobs, then its better that way as it may boost your ego and your partner's ego that you are in that job because you just miss what you used to do.
Good luck and hope you could iron things out with your partner (pun intended :-)
@SassyKittyKat (2135)
• Australia
19 Apr 08
Hmmm...he probably didn't mean it but it was just something he said in defense to your question. Still, he should be a bit more understanding. A man might work hard all day but a women's work is never done. We are mothers and housewives 24/7 and you should tell him that.
If he doesn't mind you staying home then I wouldn't worry about it. However, if I were you I would definitely let him know that the whole reason you wanted to get a job was because of his comment to you and how it made you feel. Communication is so important in a marriage and so, I would definitely sit down with him and tell him how you're feeling in this regard.
@cinderella2007 (2662)
•
19 Apr 08
Me and my boyfriend are in the same boat but without a child! I have a full time job so I pay rent, food, sky bill, phone bill, mobile phone bill and he pays gas, electric, tv licence and also been paying council tax. He works bout 4 or 5 days in a pub and also with his brother doing removals and fencing.
I feel that I pay way more than him and does get brought up jokely in conversations but he will sometimes depending on how much he has earnt give me £10 or £20 which I am grateful for.
I think you both need to sit down and discuss how your feeling about payments, most of let him know you appreciate that he pays for the house.
@virtual44 (26)
• United States
19 Apr 08
Hello trusko,
I am a mother of 4 and I once took 2 years off from work for the children's sake while my husband took care of the bills on his own.
Now I hope I don't sound too harsh but your husband needs to realize that he is not paying the mortgage as a favor to you. He is paying it for himself and your baby as well. It is not fair to throw that in your face. I'm sure you don't throw in his face the fact that you carried the baby for 9 months, experienced the morning sickness, labor pains and other discomforts by yourself yet he reaps the rewards of having a beautiful child. Your job is 24/7. His ends and yours never does, so when his does, he should be willing to help with whatever needs to be done around the house. He does not pay bills as a favor to you. It is his duty as a husband and father.
You could let him know how his comment made you feel and hopefully he will realize how rude and insensitive he was.
@gloamglozer (1289)
• Australia
19 Apr 08
i think u should do it if it makes u feel better or if it increases ur sense of self worth. go for it!
@jammy_ramesh (60)
• India
19 Apr 08
Hi Trusko,
This is how i look at my life and my family, "Doing things mutual". We are all bound by responsibilities at work, home, friends, etc. There are plenty of things we do in our day to day life. What is important to see is, are we doing things together in everything that we do in our day to day life ?
Be it taking care of the baby or cooking or financial expenses or what ever it may be. There needs to be significant contribution towards all of them from both parties with complete commitment and happiness.
Always dialogue helps. Perhaps you should voice your thoughts initially and at times requires these to be voiced loud. And it is important that Dialogues should remain that way. It is also important to respect each other's wishes and what you both intend to do.
@chiyosan (30184)
• Philippines
19 Apr 08
okay so that is a bit off the line for him to be doing that to you. he must be really stressed out, but does he realize that too that you are doing your share at home? taking care of your daughter and everything at home??
i would be hurt too if that is going to happen to me :(
