Interfering In-Laws

Well, for a mom is very hard to let go ,and is hard for a mom to be replaced by another woman ,but is important to let go and allow our boys to find their own destiny. I'm the mother of two boys ages 21 and 16 and I always try my best to offer support without interfering specially with my older one.

Hi Pose123! Yes, I do believe that there are some parents especially the mothers do interfere with their children's lives. I guess, it's an old habit that is hard for them to break. haha..However, there are those who do mean well but overdo it and some are just the dictator type. If you are lucky, you will have a mother in law that will be very kind and supportive as you go on with your marriage to their children but that is rare. Most give unsolicited advice and expect you to follow them or you will be suffering the consequences. I guess, parents should learn to let go and trust their children that they will do what is best on their own. They are just there for support and guidance but not to meddle. I do believe that there is enough stress in marriage that in laws meddling and interference will just add to distress. I believe that it is one of the reasons why some marriages fail especially on cultures that have close knit family ties. Just my thoughts dear. Take care and keep smiling!

I do think this is the reason some marriages break up. The mother-in-law yes she misses her son but that gives her no right to interfere the way the child is being raised. I would be talking to my mother-in-law with my husband there. I would have made sure that he understood that this is between his mother and I that the reason he is there is so that she can not say things that I did not say.

Hello there. I think this is a very good and hot discussion. Though I'm not married yet, I know the possibility that I'm going to have to face my in-laws is pretty big out there. Now, for a start, there are people of all sorts; there are bad daughter in-laws, bad son in-laws and there will definitely be bad parents in-laws on both sides. This is nothing new and has been going on since generations ever. However, the best thing to handle these kinds of situations would be the said couple. If they are firm and able to take their stance and prove to their own parents that they could lead their own lives without parents 'reining' their choices, opinions and decisions, then I think they are on their way to victory. I have a good friend of mine whom had a problem with his mom in-law because she is a so-called money-minded. She wants a very rich son in-law and my friend is just average Joe. So in order to get married to her daughter, she requested my friend for this and that and put a high dowry. I saw my good friend slogging his best at work to get more overtime money just to save up for the dowry and then for the wedding ceremony expenses for both sides. If I were to be him, I would leave the girl even though I love her so much. There's just no point in a mom or father in-law to 'destroy' someone like that just because he or she isn't interested in the said marriage to come. So the best solution is to keep a firm stance and no one could 'bully' couples. But there are also nice mom and dad in-laws out there whom are bullied by couples themselves and I would advice the in-laws to take a firm stance and not to be succumbed to the situation at hand. Take care and have a nice day. Good discussion here.

There are times I feel my husband's parents are ruining my life. I got along with them fine in the beginning, it was about the time we got married that we began having a problem. Actually it was before that. We had children before actually getting married. As soon as they found out we were pregnant, they began planning our wedding for us. They decided where it would be, who would marry us, who'd be invited, and never once asked us if we even wanted to marry each other. I was not raised to believe that you must marry in order to have children, and feeling as if I was being forced into marriage did not make me happy. When we finally did start planning our wedding ourselves, they shot down every one of our ideas. We finally got married in the court with no witnesses except our children. Then of course began the years of MIL telling me I was doing everything wrong with my kids. I'd already had a kid before I met my husband, so I had a good idea of what I was doing. My husband and his sister were adopted, and I felt she had no place to tell me what to do. Then for years we had a problem of them just showing up at our house unannounced. Half the time they wouldn't even knock, just walk in. They never understood that I had a problem with this, they thought since we were family they should be allowed to come into our house whenever they wanted. They'd sit and make themselves at home while I am fuming that they invaded my privacy. It's been a constant battle with them, and it really isn't getting any better. I wouldn't divorce my husband over it, although there have been times I've thought about it.

yes it sure do contribute to break-ups but i believe that if a guy loves me, he would stand up for me and beside me. Opinions are always welcomed by parents and in-laws but the final say comes from us. An with in-laws that has many different sides, i just say to myself that its a life im building with the man i love and not his mom!

This kind of thing is crazy.. the more you want to control things around you, the bigger headache you will have! It's crazy.. I'm more into choosing the path of least resistance.. which does not include trying to be in control!

well, i am quite fortunate that my father-in-law is not living in the same country as us... the same thing with my parents... so we are not staying near our parents at all and there is nobody who can interfere into our marriage... we don't have a child yet... but when i do have one, i wouldn't want my father-in-law to interfere too much... our marriage is hard enough without anybody interfering... take care and have a nice day...

I think there are in-laws that are really controlling and the young married couple has to set boundries and limitations. Sometimes it also comes about when in-laws are saddled with the burden of looking after their grandchildren as unpaid babysitters. They are expected to look after the child, do the housework at the side tend to their son's garden. Doing all this they think they have a stake in the family and can excercise some control or they just feel used. One of my nieces was really on bad terms with her in-laws from her first marriage which broke up. The couple lived in a house owned by the man's parents, paying a minimal rent. It had a huge garden. My niece worked full time and was not into gardening. The in-laws planted and tended the garden, washed the windows of the house and did a lot of chores. When they planted something that she did not like she ripped it out and left it on the compost heap so they could see it when they came the next time. In turn the in-laws wanted the young couple to come for Sunday dinner every week. My niece found that was asking too much. The man's parents started to talk bad about her and the marriage finally broke up. The moral of this story is that you can't have something for nothing. I am a mother-in law myself. I have a very good relationship with my son and daughter in-law. I go there when invited and they come here when invited. When I see my lovly little grandaughter I feed her what her mommy says to feed her. I take her for walks and babysit occasionally. I have told them I don't like too many evening sits so mostly they hire a sitter for evenings. If I need my son's help for something I discuss it with both of them and accept the help at their convenience. I never want to compete with my daughter in-law for the attention of my son. So far so good.

Well Pose, first and foremost I must say that unlike most who think that the gf/daughter-in-law is the victimized party everywhere, I really really feel bad for the son in these kinds of situations. Sons are usually more attached to their moms (as daughters to their dads) and they usually dote on everything mommy does. Nobody can cook as well as mom, clean as well as her, take care of him just as she did. So in any relation, even before it starts to mature, the other woman (gf/wife) is already one battle behind psychologically. There are few sons who without guilt, admit that the wife is more important than the mother and will actually be brave enough to snub mom when it is required. Either he overdoes it in his zeal to please the wife and is called hen-pecked or he ignores his wife’s genuine grievances just because he cannot accept that even mom can be wrong or that the world has changed a lot since her times. It is this attitude that partially encourages MILs to interfere in the personal lives of their sons coz to them, they are not interfering, they are merely guiding their son as they have always done. Now for the gf/DIL, her world is new and she would love to explore and make mistakes and learn from them. Also she has learnt a lot from her own momma (who is equally important to her!). so naturally she does not like the advises that MIL doles out unsolicited everytime on every thing. Clashes start here and as I said, I really really pity the guy caught between him mom and his wife. In your society, divorce is a natural option so marriages end more easily, in Indian societies divorces are still frowned upon, so we do stay together but maybe don’t share the same bed anymore. It’s the same everywhere. So apart from the mother-in-laws, the sons themselves should realize that they should have more trust and respect for their wives (and not only love) and that at times, they do have to keep momma at her place.

i think this arises as most parents, mainly mothers want to control the lives of their children. i think its ok till acertain age but not when their children marry. its good to help when asked for but not always be a point of problem in children's relationship.

I am sure some marriages have broken up because of in law interference. Anyone who is able to get along with their in laws are much better off. I think most just want to be helpful and give advice, but there are others who just can't help themselves and need to control everything and everyone around them, and their children are what they are most used to controlling.

Hi pose! I agree that sometimes interfering inlaws are the reason for family break-ups. I think, parents, specially moms shuld know how to trust their sons and learn to let them go upon reaching a certain age like marrying age. Moms must probably given their sons a well knowledge on how to deal their lives on their own so they learn no to interfere or if they can't control it they should know how to respect the dicission of their sons. BE supportive on them and not dictate on how/what to do. Unless moms like what you cite as an exaple does not trust his son or does not able to teach his son well enough.

I had no experience of this either,I was or rather we were just left to our own devices,and that was the right way.I think its really wrong to interfere in others lives,I mean to say what right do in laws have to do that.One of my friends has a real problem with this,they want her and hubby to go everywhere with them and that includes on holidaynow I reckon thats just not on.All of the public holidays have to be spent with them and that leaves no time for their friends.The thing too is that they also have another daughter and they expect her to do the same.Now I cannot understamd my friend,I didnt have any of this bother,and im sure if I were her I would just start putting my foot down,politely but firmly and saying that we had made other arrangements,I feel that the realives would soon get used to that .

hi dear, yes in laws can be bery interferring and that does cause a whole lot of stress for the couple.I got married to hubby who has his parents with him.I was new snd it was very difficult for me to adjust because i felt mother in law was over dominating in everything.She wanted to have her own way he always kept his parents in while making a discussin i felt so bad and neglected. But now things are changed cause ma in law is no more so much dominating but things are better. She is a great helpoing hand but can be very rude but as time passes i realiss she just cant help it.and the changes that have come are to my interest so i am not complaning much.

Some people just like to have control, and using their kids is the easiest way to have it. Kids are taight to honor their parents, whether they deserve it or not... that makes it easy for users and manipulators to get a wedge in. And of course it damages marriages... its supposed to be a couple building a life, not a trio! We never had anything other than help and good advice from our parents, and it made us strong, while letting us have healthy, loving relationships with all of them.