Visiting parents can be Harmful to your Health!
By 1grnthmb
@1grnthmb (2055)
United States
June 27, 2008 2:53pm CST
My Parents were visiting for a couple of days this week and it occupied my time for the last three days. I only see them about once a year. They are elderly and both showing some signs of dimensia. While my father points it out about my mother they both have it and repeat the same things over and over and he denies that he has it. He gets very irritated at Mom for repeating herself. My mother is the friendliest person you could ever want to met and every one loves her. My father, on the other hand, is not that easy to get along with. Even though he is a very social person and is very outgoing he is also very rude. My wife and kids do not like him and avoid him when he comes for a visit. And he will always make some crude comment about my wife when he is here.MBy brother's wife is treated the same way and she can not stand him either. And also my Sister's husband who is very social and loving, will disappear when he visits them because he does not like him at all. So in other words he has alienated all of his children in law. The visits are often very stressful because you never know what he is going to say or do. And I hate to say this but I am very happy when he leaves. Because I have poor health this visit was particular rough on me so when they left yesterday I just had to go to bed and slept for several hours while my body unwound from playing peace keeper for three days. Do any of you have family that are really hard to get along with? What do you do?
5 people like this
13 responses
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
28 Jun 08
Luckily I do not have this problem with parents, my parents love my hubby and think he is wonderful. My Dad always repeats himself, but it is not through dimentia, it is just something that he does, I do it too.
I am sorry that he is so rude to your wife and your brothers wife, I would say to tell him that if he does not stop then he will no longer be welcome to visit, but it is easier said than done when it is family. We always feel obligated and loyal when it comes to family like that.
1 person likes this
@amenpukhraj (25)
•
28 Jun 08
Well,Parents can't be harmful in any matter,I know everyone wants to spend his life according to his or her satisfaction but there are some situation in which you have to take you life decisions according to your parents.If you think that lots of problems occuring in your life because of your parents or family so the best way get rid from all those problems is to change your self for them.If you love them we will definately change your self and try to give them what they want from you.You cant change their thinking their personality but you can change your self so just try this out you will easily get rid from your family problems.
1 person likes this
@1grnthmb (2055)
• United States
28 Jun 08
He it not a good thing to change yourself to satisfy another person. And in this case no matter how much is changed there will always be something else. We do not live in a society where the parents choose who the person marries. He is dissatisfied with all of his children's choice in mates and would never be satisfied with any choice we were to make. No one would be good enough for him.
@positiveminded1977 (7072)
• India
28 Jun 08
Luckily, I don't have such problems. Most of my relatives are very critical; they would come to our house and criticize us and our way of life. We tolerated it for years. Every time, they visited, my Mom would have to take long bed rest to recover after they left. Now, nobody comes to my house. We learned how to discourage them from visiting and to assert ourselves. Nobody has the right to convert my home into a circus. And nobody has the right to come to my own house, live under my roof, enjoy my hospitality, and eat my food and then criticize me. We just put our foot down, and now, happily, no relatives visiting!! :)
Cheers and happy mylotting!
1 person likes this
@oriyadoctor (259)
• India
27 Jun 08
Dementia is not an excuse to disown the hand that showed you the path on which you have trodden.
Young people around the world forget they will become old oneday.
The behaviour couples show to their parents in front of their children are bound to face the same situation in years to come -called cause and effect.
Many may dislike your father but that should not be the opportunity to think ill of him.
Do not become angry with me.
It is the truth that I am telling you. The stress comes from the fact that he is not feeling at home in your home.
Mothers are loving in nature, as they can forgive their children at anytime.
Fathers are different.
Give them time.
Dementia, Alzheimers they are nothing if you care for your parents.
I have seen my parents how they took care of my grandparents, that makes me do the same.
History can never be proved right in the court of present.
People of past generation have their views that they will not let go easily.
But did you ever alienated your child if he/she sweared or broke some thing in house?
No you did not, then why you think your parents as liabilities?
Think about it .
You can give me any number of response after this hard hitting by me. But pause a while and think .
You will surely get your answer.
1 person likes this
@1grnthmb (2055)
• United States
27 Jun 08
The problem is not with the dementia it is with the way my fater acts. And he has always been this way. He has given all of his children in law the feeling that they would never be good enough for us. He should just be happy that we found some one to love us. He has always been very demanding but he picks on our spouses unendingly so that they can not stand being that way. My brother and his wife got devorced many years ago and one of the drive factors was our dad. They have reconciled and remarried and my dads attitude is that he should have never married her in the first place even though she is a wonderful person. It all comes down to attitude.
@gitfiddleplayer (10362)
• United States
28 Jun 08
I make voodoo dolls of them. :) I treat my parents visiting like they treated me when I lived at home, "when are you leaving?" Its hard but enjoy some of the good times you have with them.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
28 Jun 08
My in laws are very hard to get along with. Not because they are rude, but because they don't think. They want to try to control every aspect of our lives, and can't grasp the concept that we are adults and are capable of doing things ourselves. They question our purchases and the way we handle our children. This irritates me to no end, because I was not raised to be controlled, I was raised to believe I'm an individual and need no ones permission or advice in my life unless I ask for it.
So, my relationship with my in laws has been very rocky for many years, and the more independent we try to become, the worse they get. It seems they were okay with us when we had little money and needed to borrow money now and then, but now that we have our own money and don't need things from them, they are getting worse and treating us badly.
Basically I have stopped wanting them around, and have not invited them over since Christmas. They have not even met my youngest son. Everytime I start to think about inviting them over, they call and say something stupid and it irritates me, so I decide not to have them over.
I know it may sound bad, but trust me, if you heard some of the stories, you'd understand my frustration.
@1grnthmb (2055)
• United States
28 Jun 08
I can really relate to it. My wifes step mother is just like that. She always brags about her son who really is a total loser and puts everything that Lori does down. Nothing is good enough for her when it comes to us. But her lose up son is just perfect.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
29 Jun 08
Mom's seem to prefer their boys to their girls. Not really sure why. My MIL is the same way. My sister in law has to really go above and beyond to try to prove she's better than my husband, because his mother favors him.
I just hope I don't become this way when my kids are grown.
@lingli_78 (12822)
• Australia
28 Jun 08
well, i can be a bit stressed as well when my mum comes to visit me as she also complains a lot about everything... if she sees anything even simple things that she doesn't like in my house, then she will start complaining and sometimes get angry even though it is none of her business... but i still love her very much and i still want her to visit me... no matter what, she is my mum... take care and have a nice day...
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
28 Jun 08
Well I am glad that he has gone it is a shame for your poor Mum though
My Father in Law used to treat me like that for the first 15 years of my Marriage I suffered badly from verbal Abuse from him and his Son, yep my Ex Husband specially when they had been drinking and they used to visit for 10-14 Days
I am glad that you managed to get rest once they have gone and that things went back to normal for you all
Love to you all
@1grnthmb (2055)
• United States
29 Jun 08
Hi Gaby.
It was such a relief when they left. I do love my parents very much but my dad is really hard to take some times. I am glade that it was only a three day visit. I am also glad that you are no longer in that relationship. It is to bad that you had to suffer through it for so many years. A sweet person like you deserves much better and It sounds like you have done better by what you have said about your current relationship.
Love Ya
@vanities (11395)
• Davao, Philippines
28 Jun 08
is it really that bad? my -in-laws of course..but not the same as yours..theyre nice when you are infront of them ..and the minute you turn your back its another thing..but i learned how to cope with this behaviour and guess outgrown it or become used to it..it doesnt matter to me now since i guess its their attitude and its innate in them..@1grnthmb (2055)
• United States
28 Jun 08
I myself have learned to cope with my dad. I know how to deal with it myself and do not let what he says about me bother me. But when he acts up towards my family and starts hurting them then it is a different store. They have not had 52 years to learn how to live with him and they only see him maybe once a year. I have to admit that this trip was the best he has acted because my sister had a talk with him before he came. But it was still very stressful and hard on all of us.
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
4 Jul 08
My Dad is a bit like yours but he is like that to some members of his own family, not the in-laws, although not nearly as rude. Dementia is a very difficult thing to persevere with but we really have no choice so I think ...just relax, count to five when you answer the same question for the 5th time, and remember, this is a person who loves you and raised you and put up with you when you were a child. The tables are turned it seems and the child ends up looking after the parent.
Dementia is a very difficult thing to persevere with but we really have no choice so I think ...just relax, count to five when you answer the same question for the 5th time, and remember, this is a person who loves you and raised you and put up with you when you were a child. The tables are turned it seems and the child ends up looking after the parent.
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
28 Jun 08
1grnthmb before you really cast aspersions on dementia,you should
know that a lot of purely physical diseases can mimic dementia'and suggest that your parents, specially your irascible
dad should be thouroughly checked out by their doctor for
other physical diseases that mimic dementia. sometimes older people can be helped to become normal happy individuals by
seeing their doctor for a thorough check up.even such a thing
as just not hearing properly can change a happy person into a
grump whom nobody can stand to be around. Luckily I do not have any family members like that, thank God.
@1grnthmb (2055)
• United States
28 Jun 08
Hi Hatley,
They have both been diagnosed with dementia so it really is that and not some thing other then dementia. They are both seeing a Neurologist and he has them on medication and vitamins to help them out. The grumpy attitude is something my dad has always done. He is actually better now then he was several years ago. Retiring has actually been good to them both.
@dmcollie (217)
• United States
28 Jun 08
My family loves to fight. My Mom is nice to them to there face but behind your back she will cut every body down.. I stopped taking her calls unless its an emergency. I love her put I dont like having her cut me or my husband down. It is hard standing up to your parents. I have backed down several times because I know that someday they might need me.
@TessWhite (3146)
• United States
28 Jun 08
Ok, not to offend, but here are my thoughts. Be grateful they are still living. My mom was a great lady. But she could be annoying at times. I remember one day she must of called me 12 times. I finally quit answering it, only to have her leave me a message about not answering the phone!
But mom had cancer, and often couldn't do things for herself, such as shopping. I did all I could for her and often ran myself ragged. (I'm on disability myself) But even though she could be irritating and often spoke her opinion quite clearly, I loved her dearly and miss her so much. There isn't a day that doesn't go by that I don't want her back.
So while he may be a pain in the @ss at times, be glad you still have him while he is here.
