Do I have reason for concern?
By kbourgerie
@kbourgerie (8780)
United States
September 29, 2008 12:40pm CST
Recently I had a friend ask if she could stay with me temporarily. It would seem that she was having to drive from out of town to work and the cost of her gas was outweighing the payment she was receiving. Her roommate at the time was a bit of a jerk and I've met that roommate and had to agree wholeheartedly. So I agreed to let her stay for a couple of weeks. My son and I have been homeless in the past and I can empathize with her position. If it weren't for people helping me along the way, it could have been even more bitter than what it was. The first day she was here she had a key made without consulting me first. It made me a bit uneasy. The next couple of days a few small things came up missing, such as a pack of cigarettes and a new mascara. I asked her about them but she denied seeing them and I certainly have no proof of her taking them. Last night she brought by a mutual friend to eat. Normally I would have fed the friend myself without any qualms and have done so on several occassions, but right now I am having financial difficulties and once again I thought it a bit forward considering she knows how broke I am and didn't ask first. Do I have reason for concern or am I just being too overprotective of the little bit I have? I don't want any trouble and she has been good about helping to clean up and even giving me a ride to work. She refers to me as her roommate and this her home and I don't know why but it makes me feel uncomfortable. Do you think I have reason for concern? Do you think you would feel uncomfortable or am I just overreacting?
9 people like this
34 responses
@34momma (13882)
• United States
29 Sep 08
i think you should sit down with your friend and let her know just how you feel about this whole situation. let her know that you are not comfortable with her inviting over people for dinner with food and funds are low. Let her know that you don't mind helping out but this is not her home and she can only stay for a while longer. I think if you are feeling uncomfortable then you need to confront the matter. i have been in this postion before and trust me, if you don't say something now, things are going to get worst. so sit her down and be honest with her. if she can not respect your honestly and friendship, well then she is not much of a friend and you would rather find that out now then later
@34momma (13882)
• United States
29 Sep 08
you are welcome girl. i say take care of this ASAP, so this way you both know where each other stand. hell i even say write it down on paper and have her sign it. how long you want her there, her not coming and going all hours of the night, her not bringing people over without asking first. whatever you think you need to do to feel more comfortable. make sure you give her a leave date too
@kbourgerie (8780)
• United States
29 Sep 08
I think you've given me some really good advice and that if she doesn't listen or understand she was not a friend and completely taking advantage. Thanks.
2 people like this
@wolfie34 (26771)
• United Kingdom
29 Sep 08
I would start feeling uncomfortable if it was me my friend, have you set ground rules for her? It is after all YOUR home not hers and she is the GUEST, rather than a room mate which I find a weird terminology. She is certainly getting her feet under the table quickly, rather too quickly for my liking, but then I don't find sharing easy in fact I can't share my home full stop. How long have you known her? How does your son feel about the situation? I think you need to get things straight with her from the beginning, set a precedence otherwise she sounds like a woman who will easily ride roughshot! Start as you mean to go on my friend and no you are NOT over acting, you have to put yourself and your son first and if she makes things difficult, uncomfortable then it's time to rethink, preferably sooner or later, of course it might be the settling in period and she is just finding her way around and seeing how much you put up with either way you need to sit down and talk to her over a coffee or something and start with ground rules!
@kbourgerie (8780)
• United States
29 Sep 08
I have told her how important it is to me and my son to keep our place and that I wont have anyone screwing that up for me. I've told her its only temporary, but I like you, don't like the words she has chosen, i.e., roommate, home, etc, but maybe its just her way of feeling grounded. What I didn't mention and probably should have was that she told me she had been fired from her job, because she wouldn't sleep with her boss. She was in a caretaking position. I told her I didn't want any money from her, but at the same time, it too gave me reason for pause.
1 person likes this
@edjump (60)
• United States
30 Sep 08
K, I completely agree with wolfie on this. It is NOT too late to set her down and have an open and HONEST talk with her. I say HONEST, because, at that point, YOU have to be HONEST with her !!! You can diplomatically avoid bringing up your missing property, so as not to accuse her without proof, but, you HAVE to lay the groundrules out, it wouldn't hurt if prior to speaking to her, if you drew up a list of rules on paper, with a copy for both of you. Also, as you talk with her, ASK her about her employment situation and tell her that, with the financial difficulties you are currently experiencing, that you cannot afford to support 3 people. I would also, at that time, put a time restriction on how long she can stay. It sounds to me that, by trying to be a good Samaritan, you have found someone who is willing to allow you to support her. Good luck, and God bless you and yours.
@lingli_78 (12822)
• Australia
30 Sep 08
i think you definitely have... i think your friend is starting to step over your head and you have to do something to prevent it before it went too far... i think you have to talk to her and set the rules because it is your home, and not hers... and you are being very generous to share your house with her... she shouldn't be taling advantage of you... good luck... hope everything will be sorted soon... take care and have a nice day...
2 people like this
@kbourgerie (8780)
• United States
30 Sep 08
I think she ingraciated herself too quickly. I did have a bit of a talk with her tonight and it didn't go really well, but maybe once she thinks about it she'll see where I'm coming from.
1 person likes this
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
30 Sep 08
I would come right out and tell her how you feel. I would be concerned if someone did that to me.
2 people like this
@kbourgerie (8780)
• United States
30 Sep 08
Yes its true honesty really is the best policy.
1 person likes this
@trixyteddy (1070)
• India
30 Sep 08
My dear, my dear, all I can say is to tell the person living in to get out. You cannot even be calling her your friend when she behaves like this. You can bet that finally she will be calling your home, her home and you may have to be moving out. I'm not frightening you, but just trying to make you realise the situation and to become more practical. It is difficult, but you have to go ahead and do it. If you want to be diplomatic, its okay, otherwise you can just be blunt. There's no love lost in this situation.
2 people like this
@kbourgerie (8780)
• United States
30 Sep 08
I hate to say it, but I'm beginning to agree more and more. I've got a bad feeling about this and usually your gut instincts aren't wrong.
1 person likes this
@aseretdd (13730)
• Philippines
30 Sep 08
I don't think you are overreacting... one can never be too careful when living with someone who is not relative... but i suggest you give her more time... but be sure to lock away all you important stuff... it is not that you do not trust her... but its just that you do not want things to get lost...
@kbourgerie (8780)
• United States
30 Sep 08
I'm ahead of you there. I've already done that as a precautionary measure.
1 person likes this
@BellasmamaTiff (2544)
• United States
29 Sep 08
Ok. She should be consulting you first before bringing other people into your home. Mutual friends or not. And, she should get permission before feeding other people there as well. Does she help buy food? Does she pay anything there? If not, then you are not room mates, and that is not her home. It is your home, and you are allowing her to stay temporarily. I would say she needs to find another home. Let her know that she needs to look at apartments, you said she was working. Stand your ground. Good luck!
2 people like this
@kbourgerie (8780)
• United States
29 Sep 08
She is no longer working. She was taking care of someone in their home and apparently was fired for not sleeping with the boss. No its not her food and she isn't contributing, but I told her she didn't have to in order that she could get back on her feet that much faster. It was never agreed that we would be roommates, she is not on my lease. This was supposed to be temporary only.
1 person likes this
@sweetgirl_k1 (3972)
• United States
9 Oct 08
I would feel uncomfortable if that were me in that situation. I would set rules for her to abide by if she is going to stay there. It is your house after all and she should respect that. Is she paying you any rent or anything? If not, she should just be glad you are letting her stay there. She should be trying to help you out as much as she can and not bring people over for you to feed unless she is helping to buy the groceries. Sometimes even your good friends can "use" you if you let them. So don't let her use you.
1 person likes this
@kbourgerie (8780)
• United States
30 Oct 08
Thanks for your advice. Since posting this I've asked her to leave. Turns out she was blatantly lying to me not to mention the things she stole. I'm just glad it didn't turn out worse than it did.
@Aussies2007 (5336)
• Australia
30 Sep 08
It is your home... and you should make it perfectly clear to her.
You should remind her that it is only for two weeks... and that you are not looking for a roommate.
Does she pay you anything?
@Aussies2007 (5336)
• Australia
30 Sep 08
He is baaaaaaaaaaaak!
I thought I would put a bait out to see if I could catch a plooker. lol
I am worried about you Plooker...
This has become more than an obsession... lol
1 person likes this
@stephcjh (38473)
• United States
29 Sep 08
That would make me so mad if someone did that to me/. you just cannot be nice to people these days for nothing. they take advantage of the situation alot of times. I would not want someone to get a key made either without asking me first. I think you should have alot of concern. I would feel uncomfortable and eventually ask them to leave.
1 person likes this
@kbourgerie (8780)
• United States
29 Sep 08
Yes, the key making I found to be a bit forward, although I work alot and it would make it difficult for her to get in without me around, but at the same time I really think she should have asked.
@ersmommy1 (12588)
• United States
30 Sep 08
I would go to her and and set a few rules. Give her an out date. Tell her this isn't a permanent solution. Do it now. Or you may end up like me. I 've had a roomate here for years. He is just now moving out. If I weren't pregnant and in need of my room for the arrival of my son, I don't think he would move.Take it from me, be over protective of what you have. It is good to be giving. And helpful. But follow your gut.
2 people like this
@kbourgerie (8780)
• United States
30 Sep 08
As it turns out my aunt is coming back to visit this month so she'll have to leave before she gets here and thats a certainty.
1 person likes this
@bellis716 (4799)
• United States
1 Oct 08
Yes, I do feel that you have reason for concern. You should have laid down some ground rules before you asked her to move in, but I can understand why you didn't You thought she was scrupulously honest, understood that this was a temporary arrangement and would find another place as soon as possible. It appears that you misjudged her and will have to go about straightening her out. This will be much more difficult after the fact. Believe me, I know. I've been there. In my case, the guest who overstayed her welcome was a relative. It helped that my husband and I were in agreement. You need to tell your house guest that there seems to have been a misunderstanding. You were only trying to help her out of a tight spot, not offering a permanent arrangement. Be sure to have all locks changed as soon as she moves out. Be prepared to lose a friend, but you don't need that kind of friends.
1 person likes this
@kbourgerie (8780)
• United States
3 Oct 08
Fortunately, I have a relative coming to stay this month, so I've told her she has to leave by then and she has been very understanding.
@bellis716 (4799)
• United States
3 Oct 08
That's good news. Hope nothing happens to delay your relative's timely arrival.
@kellyjeanne (1576)
• United States
30 Sep 08
You have every right to be concerned because it sounds to me like this 'friend' is taking advantage of you. What would be a good thing to do is schedule a 'housemeeting' with her and lay down some guidelines and talk with her about them. Before doing so write the guidelines down first so you will be prepared at the meeting.
It usually is a good idea to have once a month housemeetings like this to clear the air on some things and to prevent any infraction (whether intended or not) to get out of hand. She needs to know where you stand and that this is your home. You can be kind while telling her this, of course, and if she doesn't take it well and gets offended tell her she will have to leave.
Your house is your castle and no one has a right to upset that for you.
I wish you the best of luck.
Purrs,
Catwoman=^..^= & Mija
1 person likes this
@kbourgerie (8780)
• United States
3 Oct 08
Since posting this, I have had a discussion with her and there have been no further incidents. In fact, she has come through on several occassions when I needed help. I have told her though that my aunt is coming this month and she will have to leave before she gets here and she was very accomodating.
@kellyjeanne (1576)
• United States
6 Oct 08
I'm so glad to hear of the outcome and that things are working out for you!
Purrs,
Catwoman=^..^= & Mija
@debbie9 (11)
• United States
29 Sep 08
Did you both agree on what "temporarily" meant? If not, I would definitely have that discussion. Along with a discussion of what steps she can take to get back on her feet. I would let her know that your friendship is important, but only second to your son. With that in mind, she has to be taking the steps to get back on her feet or you will have to do what is right for you and your son. I would mention that while she stays with you, inviting friends is not cool! Otherwise, it could even turn into overnight stays or worse yet, they could end up moving in too!
@kbourgerie (8780)
• United States
29 Sep 08
I told her from the beginning that she could not have people here for the safety of my son and for my own privacy. The friend she brought by is a really good friend of mine so I didn't mind having her over, it was just the lack of asking me first and then inviting her to eat as if it were hers to give.
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
30 Sep 08
I think before this gets out of hand, you need to sit down and talk about it,
when is she leaving, most important question,
how long you can support her, next important question
what you can and cannot do for her, third most important question
and what are the house rules, this one might be last but it is just as important and the all the rest,
now if you cannot come to an agreement on these issues, she needs to go.
1 person likes this
@moondancer (7433)
• United States
30 Sep 08
The fact that you are asking and that you are bothered a bit and concerned a bit is a problem in st's self. You and she need to sit down and set some ground rules on the house rules. Tell her that dinner guest need to be preapproved and when you have enough money for the extra guest or when she wants to chip in for the meal. But still when you preapprove the guest coming.
Borrowing "things' is okay with preapproval as well.
Maybe balancing riding each week to work, you then her, if that's possible. anything you wish to add.
Just tell her when you first said she could stay there you didn't really think about any guide lines, but now that you've thought about it there needs to be some.
That you are uneasy about others coming to the house without you knowing about it before hand. And that since you, your son, and she are the only ones in the home that you would appreciate that if she needs something or wants to borrow something that she ask.
Tell her that you have no problem with helping her out, that you respect her space and her things and that you just want your space and your things respected as well. That the home will run much more smoothly if you have a few rules. Ask her if there is something on her mind as well That concerns her.
1 person likes this
@maddysmommy (16230)
• United States
30 Sep 08
I think I would be concerned. Since she is only staying temporarily why would she need a key made? now that things are going missing, its a sign to other things happening. I would sit her down and talk to her, let her know that it's only temporary and that bringing friends over without you knowing in advance is not a good thing. You're on a tight budget and can't afford to feed any more mouths at this time. Does she bring people around the home when you're not there? I would be weary.
1 person likes this
@worldwise1 (14885)
• United States
30 Sep 08
There is an old saying, kbourgerie, "No good deed goes unpunished." I have found this to be true over and over again when it comes to taking in friends. Once you welcome them into your home it is invariably nigh to impossible to get them out again. I hope you set a move-out date for your guest from the start. If not, you should do so as soon as possible. While I never had one to go so far as to actually have a key made, I have had to lock a couple of them out. I wish you luck!
@fifileigh (3615)
• United States
30 Sep 08
i think just tell her your limits since it is your home. maybe write it out similar to a rent or lease for an apartment and make her sign it. and if she ends up going against anything that you dont want her to do, then kick her out, telling her you warned her, and you tried to help her out. but she was taking advantage of you.
1 person likes this
@kenzie45230 (3560)
• United States
29 Sep 08
I would certainly be concerned. Things don't just disappear like that, and the next thing that could disappear might be your money or your checkbook.
If I were you, I would sit down with this friend and let her know what the rules are for your home. I'd also help her map out a plan for getting on her feet - and make sure that she keeps her end of the bargain.
If you don't take control now, you'll liable to be in a worse mess later on. And if she doesn't like you setting rules or a guideline, she's free to leave.
1 person likes this
@kbourgerie (8780)
• United States
29 Sep 08
Her boyfriend is out of town and is supposed to be returning in a couple of weeks at which time she will be moving away with him. I keep my money close because I am a bit uncomfortable, but then again I would do that with most people.
