I want a baby!! And it's killing me.

@makingpots (11915)
United States
October 8, 2008 8:38pm CST
This is probably the most personal discussion I have ever started here at myLot. I want another baby, my son is four and I would have liked to have another child long before now. My husband does not want another child. I think I have accepted that it is not in my cards, but somedays it is just so painful. Today I visited a friend in the hospital who just had a beautiful baby girl. I held her, was in the room when she nursed, heard all the little new baby cooing and now I can't stop crying. I don't want to call a friend because it feels so wrong to put a friend between this wide difference that my husband and I are working through. I could use some encouraging words. Anything you got for me.... I'll take it.
16 people like this
48 responses
@Sheepie (3112)
• United States
9 Oct 08
Well, try to be happy with having one child. You're very lucky to have one, many women can't have any at all, of their own. Keep trying to work things out with your husband, and think it all through, the finances, the keep up, the care, and try to hear him out as of why he doesn't want another. Good luck!
6 people like this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
9 Oct 08
Yes, yes you are so right. I am blessed beyond belief to have the son I have and I know that. I understand and even agree with the reason my husband does not want another. Unfortunately, the facts don't make the desire go away. Thanks for a nice response.
6 people like this
• Philippines
3 Nov 08
Exactly Sheepie, My husband and I still trying to have one. Though both of us don't have any problem but we just cant make one. If I'll be given just One child I'll be the happiest.
1 person likes this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
4 Nov 08
Wishing you the very best, workinggurl. I have been in your shoes and it is a very difficult place to be. I'm ashamed at revealing a difficult night in my life on such a public forum and as a result appearing to be ungrateful for all my blessings. My son means the world to me, and I'm daily reminded at what a beautiful gift of love I was provided in him. Bless you, and I wish for you that you will be blessed with such a gift very soon - or rather in exactly the right timing for you. I wanted 10 years to be blessed and know now that it was EXACTLY right timing.... as I'm sure it will be for you.
2 people like this
@Rosekitty (19368)
• San Marcos, Texas
9 Oct 08
Aww this is so not nice to have this type of thing going on between you and Hubby... Have you discussed this calmly and found out why? Its not really his choice alone you know..if its money matters..there are many ways to help in that..medicade and wic and foodbanks..plus Angel ministries.. please talk this over and if he still says no..come here to texas..i have 2 Son's that want children and I could use more grandbabies!!!..One is 37 and the other is 24...
5 people like this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
9 Oct 08
First of all, I'm up here in Dallas.... do your sons drive??
5 people like this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
9 Oct 08
I have left out details. Crying was making it hard to think straight. Hubby is not the heal I made him sound. We agree on not having more kids. Biggest hinderance.... I'm 42. I just need to have a lobotomy or something to have the desire removed as well. You had a good idea, Irish, could I pick the brain cells that pots destroys?? Maybe we are onto something.
5 people like this
@Rosekitty (19368)
• San Marcos, Texas
9 Oct 08
Shhh..they don't know it and if you tell I'm going to mess up your yard sale and put a penny each on everything..
4 people like this
@jammyt (2818)
• Philippines
9 Oct 08
Did your husband ever tell you why he he does not want another baby? You are in the same situation as my officemate. Sneaky at it seems, she didn't tell her husband that she stopped drinking her pills. Eventually, she got pregnant. She's due this December. At first, the husband got pissed but of course, he realized the baby was a blessing. Their daughter is now 5 years old and understands that she will be an older sister soon. She was also one reason why the husband finally accepted. Their daughter wanted a baby sibling. I'm not telling you to be "sneaky" with your husband but you can tell him why you want another baby. Just make sure you hear his side so that you both understand each other.
4 people like this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
9 Oct 08
Yes I know, understand and even agree with his reasons. Understanding doesn't make the desire go away. I could never do what your officemate did. I know people who have done similar things and it is just wrong! Deceitful.
5 people like this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
10 Oct 08
Our birth control is in his hands, basically.
2 people like this
• United States
9 Oct 08
-innocent gaze- Does he ask if you've had your birth control every time you two make love? 'Cause if he doesn't you aren't teeeechnically lying... Hehe, I'm kidding. I'd never do that either, that is an underhanded method in a major way. I certainly don't agree with lying like that - having a baby based on deceit isn't a good thing at all.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
9 Oct 08
hi makingpots did you ever just sit down and ask your hubby' why he doesnt want another child? I think no child should grow up as the only child, he needs at least one sibling to help him not be the only one. ask your hubby howhe feelsabout denying your son a b rother or sister? maybe you can work it out someway so both of you are happy. and dont make a long distance between kids as its awful for the first born. do talk to hubby.
4 people like this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
9 Oct 08
Hi, Hatley. I am afraid that during my pity party I left out a few pertinent details in this discussion. Yes, hubby and I know exactly where we stand on this. I even agree that we should not have more children. I just still have to work on getting over the desire for another child. I did not like the idea of raising an only child at all. But the other reasons for not having more seem to far outweigh that concern. P1ke ~ thanks very much for your input on this one. It is helpful.
3 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45681)
9 Oct 08
I understand what you are saying Hatley. However, after our daughter (our only child) was born my wife suffered four miscarriages. There comes a time when you have to say "this isn't going to happen" and it wrung us both out emotionally. Our daughter has grown up to be a happy, intelligent, motivated and beautiful young woman. I've often wondered about how she feels about being the only one. She ays that she's happy with things as they are in that respect. I hope that she never feels alone. By the number of friends on her Facebook account and those that seem to live here whenever she visits I don't think that she will be. LOL.
3 people like this
@nanajanet (4436)
• United States
9 Oct 08
Here is a suggestion. Do some volunteer work with some organization that helps children or helps mothers with children. Or work in a daycare or something. If you have all that love to give, some people need what you have and without you, may not get it. There is a reason for everything and it would not be right to bring a child into a marriage where it is not wanted by both parents.
5 people like this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
9 Oct 08
You know, just recently I was telling a friend about a house for teenage mothers that my church sponsors in our community. It provides classes, group meetings, school assistance and a stocked supply cabinet for these mom's in need. I know that the house is a place to hang out after school for many of them and some women from my church just drop in to talk with them and be available for questions. You may be onto something with this wonderful suggestion for me. Thank you for yet another wonderful response, nanajanet. I always look forward to hearing from you.
4 people like this
@nanajanet (4436)
• United States
9 Oct 08
Oh, you are very welcome. I do not believe in coincidence. I believe that things happen for a reason, good and bad. Whenever I have had something bad happen, it has led to something good. I hope it all works out and that your HUGE heart will make a positive change in the lives of those who need it. Alan Loy McGinnis once said, "There is no more noble occupation in the world than to assist another human being - to help someone succeed."
2 people like this
• China
9 Oct 08
makingpots. I am a chinese girl. I don't know which country are you from? Do you know in China.Many many couples only allow have one child. As China's population is too big.Our country is controling people never have babies more than two. So many of couples only have one child. But they also live very happy.and also love their child very much. See. It is no matter with only one child.just love your only child very much.I think you will be happy.
4 people like this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
9 Oct 08
Thank you both for the input here. I am blessed to have the one child I have. I do know that!
2 people like this
• Singapore
9 Oct 08
Nanaxue, I think you are not aware that China now is doing away with the 1 child 1 family policy already. Having one child can be quite a challenge for the child, as parents and guardians, we can only bring ourselves to a certain level to teach and preoccupy them. They would not be able to learn what it is like to care for their younger sibilings in actual life. Also, watching them grow may be a joy but think of how lonely it can be at times. I am sure you can recall some of your childhood days.
• China
9 Oct 08
I am the only child in my family. and i am live with happy.
1 person likes this
@MissGia (955)
• United States
9 Oct 08
It is unfortunate that you want a child and your husband doesn't. But look on the bright side: At least you have a child. Some women aren't as fortunate as you to be able to bare a child. I have a sister who would be a great mother but she is unable to conceive and it's a sad thing to see, what is even more sad is that there are 1000's of women who want children but can't have them. Sure there are options for them like adoption (which can take years and is hard to get approved, unless your a celebrity)Finding a surrogate mother which can cost 1000's of dollars and all sorts of other medical technologies; some women don't have the money to fulfill these options. So your husband doesn't want another child and you just have to accept it for what it is. Just don't cry, you should be thankful that god blessed you with one.
4 people like this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
9 Oct 08
I have a child am know that I am incredibly blessed by him. Thanks, MissGia.
3 people like this
@cyntrow (8523)
• United States
9 Oct 08
Request that you husband have a vascectomy(sp). If he disagrees, tell him that he will have to cope with the idea of having a baby someday. See what happens. I think 4 is a great age to hve a baby brother or sister. Good luck.
4 people like this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
9 Oct 08
We have discussed vasectomies... he does seem to dance around that a bit. I'm embarassed that through my emotions I might have represented my husband as controlling this situation. We agree on all the reasons it would not be wise to have another child. But agree or not, it doesn't make the pain go away when I long for a baby.
3 people like this
@maddysmommy (16230)
• United States
9 Oct 08
I want a baby too - a baby girl!!! My son is 6 yrs and we have been trying for four years and have not been blessed. We decided that if it happens, great, and if it doesn't then that is OK too. We are blessed to have our son already and know that if it isn't in the cards to have another, then life goes on. My heart breaks when I see newborn children and often get teary eyed. It must of been hard for you to accept your husbands decision. Hopefully as your son gets older he might have a change of heart. Enjoy the time you do have with your 4 yr old son :)
3 people like this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
10 Oct 08
I am afraid I unfairly made my husband out to be the bad guy with this discussion. We have discussed this and we both agree that it would not be the best thing to have another child. We are extremely blessed with the wonderful son we have. I still get emotional around babies. I just have some growing to do in that area.
3 people like this
@maddysmommy (16230)
• United States
10 Oct 08
Even so, that must of been hard for you to agree to not have any more children.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (30959)
• United States
9 Oct 08
I am sure it is hard when you so want something like this. Still, from where I sit, it appears that you have a strong & honest marriage which is worth everything in todays world. Some women in your spot would resort to getting pregnant"on accident" in hopes that hubby will just be accepting. You have a lot of love in your heart to give. Perhaps, you could work in a daycare or a nursery, where you can get your "baby fix" and still be satisfied with your home life?? I have a cousin and an aunt that altho they loved children very much, never had any of their own. My cousin now works in St.Judes hospital for children and is absolutely amazing with those children. My aunt taught elementary school for years and also helped out with many extra-curricular activities involving children. Later on, she worked as a housekeeper in the maternity ward at the local hospital. There she got to see all the new babies and meet the parents. She loved it and they all loved her. I hope you are able to find peace within yourself & your marriage on this very important issue.
3 people like this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
10 Oct 08
I am afraid I unfairly made my husband out to be the bad guy with this discussion. We have discussed this and we both agree that it would not be the best thing to have another child. We are extremely blessed with the wonderful son we have. I still get emotional around babies. I just have some growing to do in that area.
2 people like this
@cupid74 (11388)
• Pakistan
9 Oct 08
hi dear hope u must be doing well. its really a personal topic and only husband and wife should discuss and decide that how many children they want. u know its not to give birth a kid but to upbring them, groom them in a way that is helpful for them as well as to scoiety and country. and it has its own cost i would recommend that have brain storming, pro and cons and then discuss with ur hubby as he is one to try for next kids if agrees ( If Allah/God will too) wish u all the best Take care
3 people like this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
9 Oct 08
We have had that ever important discussion. We both agree that no more children is the best thing for us. It is just still very painful sometimes when the desire for another child sets in. Thanks for the response, cupid.
2 people like this
@cupid74 (11388)
• Pakistan
10 Oct 08
Well, once u have discussion, and decided with mutual consent, then there should not be regret feeling or pain as it may effect the relation So Just Forget it And Make ur mind that Ur Son is ur world Take care
1 person likes this
@zhuuraan (961)
• United States
9 Oct 08
I'd love to help, but I'm afraid I'm kind of in the same boat, except that I don't have any children, and my fiance does want one. Our problem is we are on SSI and cannot afford to provide for a child, and if we get married, they'll lower the benefits we get. It's ridiculous but I'm 24 and I want a baby. I always thought i'd have one by now and every time I see a kid, I feel this deep emptiness. It's not fair!
4 people like this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
9 Oct 08
Thanks for the understanding, zhuuraan. I feel for you and the deep emptiness you describe. (((hug)))
2 people like this
• Philippines
9 Oct 08
Make the most of what you have right now. You are not childless. You have been blessed with a son and he needs you to be a happy mommy as much as possible. I am sure your next child will come soon but I do not think it will help if you are always worried. They say stress is a big factor in conception. You have to be relaxed to conceive. Also, you might be too busy with work or might be too active in the gym, you might want to lessen your activities first as this may also affect things. Have you tried consulting with doctors about your wanting to have a baby? They might be able to help you. Of course, more importantly, stay positive, do not lose hope. :) Now while waiting for your big tummy to bloat enjoy your darling son first. :) Let us know when you already have a baby on the way! :)
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
9 Oct 08
Thanks, beautygunk. And welcome to myLot. Those are all encouraging words. I am indeed blessed with a wonderful kid and he needs a happy mommy. I need to keep my distance from newborns for a while, I do believe.
4 people like this
• United States
9 Oct 08
Tough one... it sounds like you are a great mother , very loving and have a lot to offer. You need to look at both sides of the coin. Find out why he does not want another child. If he presents a good "argument" such as maybe a financial burden, or the house isnt big enough, or whatever, try to see his point of view. Then present your case to him. depending on your age, maybe now just isnt the time. You could always have another child by "accident"...LOL. I am sure he would be supportive at that point. i wish you the best of luck, and if things do not turn out in you favor, try getting a pet, or babysitting for others to fill the void, I know its not the same by any means, but it may help. My best advise to you is, just don't hate him for it if he only wants the one child. Do not let it affect your relationship. I hope this was helpful in some way....
4 people like this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
9 Oct 08
Thank you for the kind words about me, yanksfan1974. I am fully aware of my husband reasons and even agree with them. I just can't seem to shake free from the desire to have another one. I may just need to give myself some more time.
4 people like this
@lingli_78 (12822)
• Australia
9 Oct 08
i'm so sorry to hear about your situations... can you ask your hubby the reasons whh he only want one child and doesn't want more??? may be you can try to talk to him nicely and give him time to think... pray to God and if He wants to give you another child, then He will help you to change your hubby's heart... i also want a baby badly by now as i don't have any yet... good luck... take care and have a nice day...
3 people like this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
10 Oct 08
I am afraid I unfairly made my husband out to be the bad guy with this discussion. We have discussed this and we both agree that it would not be the best thing to have another child. We are extremely blessed with the wonderful son we have. I still get emotional around babies. I just have some growing to do in that area.
2 people like this
@zandi458 (28102)
• Malaysia
9 Oct 08
The excitement of seeing a new born is great and it arouse our motherly instinct to want to have a new baby of our very own. Since the doer is unwilling the only choice for you is to let it happen without telling your husband of your intention. Let it happen accidentaly and catch him by surprise. If the child is born he will definitely accept it. seeing a newborn child will surely melt your husband's heart for him to gladly accept the baby.
3 people like this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
10 Oct 08
I am afraid I unfairly made my husband out to be the bad guy with this discussion. We have discussed this and we both agree that it would not be the best thing to have another child. We are extremely blessed with the wonderful son we have. I still get emotional around babies. I just have some growing to do in that area.
2 people like this
@myliezl0903 (2726)
• Philippines
9 Oct 08
well, i guess it would be better if you and your husband talk about it ., it is a personal issue., and the person who will solve this is you and your husband., if you knew already the reason why he doesn't want to have another one then i guess it would be better to understand him for now.,
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
9 Oct 08
I know, understand and agree with my husbands feeling on the topic. It would not be the best thing for us to have another child. But it is still very, very painful to long for a child and know there will not be another. It is very important for me to say that I have been blessed with a beautiful son who is the light of our lives and makes our family complete.
3 people like this
@Bethany1202 (3431)
• United States
9 Oct 08
I am sorry your husband doesn't feel the same as you do. Have you tried to discuss it with him recently? Maybe you can get him to change his mind. If not, try to accept it because you say you have, but it always brings out those emotions when you see friends having babies and desire another of your own. Try to enjoy their baby if you can -- sort of living vicariously. I know that's not the same, but if your husband is insistent on not having another one... Does he know how strongly you want a baby?
3 people like this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
10 Oct 08
I am afraid I unfairly made my husband out to be the bad guy with this discussion. We have discussed this and we both agree that it would not be the best thing to have another child. We are extremely blessed with the wonderful son we have. I still get emotional around babies. I just have some growing to do in that area.
2 people like this
@ladysong (12)
• Philippines
9 Oct 08
Having a baby really completes a woman. I understand that even you have a son already, the joy of having two or more little angels running around the house is irreplaceable. Have you tried asking your husband why he doesn't want another child? Is his reason for such valid? Try to discuss things over with him again. There's nothing to lose with a heart to heart conversation with him about the matter. Actually, I have many friends who would say that having two or more children is ideal. Ideal in the sense that your children will not be lonely in the house. It provides an opportunity for interaction and just imagine the great fun during family outings. The idea of having another child does not make you any selfish at all. It only proves how great a woman you are. That again, you are willing to risk your life to bring another life into this world and you are enthusiatic to raise that child to become one of the best people of the generations to come. I salute you!
3 people like this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
9 Oct 08
Thank you for such a kind and touching response. This is what I needed by starting this discussion. I know and understand, even agree with my husbands reasons for not wanting more. We have made a decision as a family, but it has not removed the desire of my heart to have another child.
3 people like this
@Shandy14 (71)
• United States
9 Oct 08
Hello, sorry to hear you are sad...Please do not panic...Maybe this can be worked out and he will come around to also want another child. I think your maternal instict might be kicking in because your son is getting older and growing out of that baby stage of life...I feel your pain...I am a single mom with a 22 year old only son...and I desire at times to have one more...Even at my age! I still leave it as an option, and will for as long as I can! So what i am saying, is do not give up hope no matter what... If there is a will there is a way! Best Wishes~ Shandy~
3 people like this
@makingpots (11915)
• United States
9 Oct 08
Hi, Shandy14. Welcome to myLot. Thanks for the input on this. And thank you for understanding.
2 people like this