The circle of Life
By lvaldean
@lvaldean (1612)
United States
October 29, 2008 7:22pm CST
Yesterday at 1:30pm I lost my mother.
I wish I could say that I was prepared to lose my mother, but I wasn't. I wish that I could say that I am handling this with grace and dignity, but I can't.
Yesterday I lost my mother and I was not at all prepared. I am angry. I don't understand at all why I had to lose my mother.
Oh yeah I know she was in her 80's and she had a great life. But I was not prepared to lose her yet and not in this way.
I have had three mothers in my life. The mother who gave birth to me and then gave me up for adoption at birth. The mother who raised me for 14 years and then decided that she didn't like me so gave me back to the state.
Then my true mother of the heart, who married my father 20 years ago and ultimately taught me grace. The mother who was the love of my fathers life. The mother who heard my secrets but taught me to never tell her anything I didn't want my father to hear because she never kept a secret from him. The mother who defended all her cubs fiercely even me, who sometimes scratched and bit. The mother who loved me even through my flaws and maybe sometimes because of them. The mother made me homemade carrot cake on my birthday because it was my favorite, it was my first ever homemade birthday cake and I was 35!
I lost my mother yesterday. It was so stupid she fell and hit her head. That was all she was taking blood thinners and she bled on her brain. It was all so stupid, just a stupid accident. I didn't even get to tell her thank you or good-bye.
Do you think she knew that she was the mother of my heart?
9 people like this
25 responses
@peedielyn (1207)
• United States
30 Oct 08
Dear, my heart aches for you and I am sure she is reading this right along with me. I am in tears. Accidents happen and you will probably be angry for a while, but know that He has her now and she is fine. I am sure that she felt it somewhere, she had to have known. You were like best friends it seems, so what you feel is what she is feeling! Just know that at some point or another, she is still with you, your father and the essense around you. I truly believe that when they leave, they don't ever REALLY leave. You have her heart and she has yours. I hope you find comfort in the days to come. I hope you cherish and remember the wonderful person she is, and became to you and your father. Cry your heart out now, but laugh soon. If she is as wonderful as you say, she would love to know you felt that way about her, and that you find her a positive insite. I wish you well in your nearby journey. God Bless!
2 people like this
@peedielyn (1207)
• United States
30 Oct 08
Then I must say, You ARE very blessed. It's not everyday that people can say that they had wonderful people in their life. I am sending many thoughts and prayers your way. Bless you!!
@pedestrain (137)
• Singapore
30 Oct 08
I am very sorry for you. People would still die one day, so live your life to your fullest. Spend more time with your friends and family. Make them happy and you would be happy. They would pass away with no regrets and you would watch them go without regrets. So treasure your friends and family now as they might soon be gone.
@psspurgeon1 (1109)
• United States
30 Oct 08
I'm truely sorry for your loss. No words can help you cope with this any better but you must know:
She knew how much you loved and appreciated her.
She knew what was in your heart and that you said thank you in your way for all she did.
She will always always be in your heart, you know that. She will always be looking down apon you and guiding through your years to come like she did in the years that passed. She will have her hand on your shoulder every single step of the way. She will help guide you through your pain. It is ok to feel angry and sad and lonely and depressed. It wouldn't be natural if you weren't. And to answer your question, yes, she was your mother. A mother is not defined by giving birth, or providing food and shelter. A mother is defined by the love and support she gives and the fact that she puts her children above herself. She is your mother and she always will be and you will be ok.
2 people like this
@lady_cayote (153)
• Philippines
30 Oct 08
The soul has a perfect knowledge. She knew that you love her even if you were not able to say thank you and goodbye. i'm so sorry to hear about this. I know there are not enough words to console how you feel now. but rest assured she's watching you and smiling at you from heaven.
@zoeyren (26)
• China
30 Oct 08
Yes,she did. I believe she knew all what you think and all what you want to tell her but you not. I lost my grandmother who raised me for years untill I left home for my own life. Everyday I pray for her and I know she's watching me and listening to me. And I know she will never leave me alone in the world. So do your mother. Nobody can be strong enough to bear this loss. However, she will be with you forever.
2 people like this
@rsa101 (38166)
• Philippines
30 Oct 08
I think she is more aware of it now that she passed away. Well I think that is really her time and I guess the way you described her she is happy where she is right now. Grieving is part of life that we all experience when this things happen. It will come to past and you know it. My condolences to your beloved mother.
@carolscash (9492)
• United States
30 Oct 08
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I can't imagine what you must be going through right now. I lost my dad unexpectly a few years ago and it was hard. Somehow you have to pull yourself up by your boot straps and realize that life must go on.
I am sure that she knew that you loved her and I am sure that she knew that you were proud of her being in your life. Don't worry about it and just say I Love you mom! I believe that their spirits can still hear us!!
1 person likes this
@di1159 (1580)
• United States
30 Oct 08
Your post brought tears to my ears and chills to my spine. The greatest love anyone can know is that of a mother. I don't think we are ever prepared for that moment in our lives when that mother is taken from us. I can only imagine a bit of what you are feeling. Obviously there was a great love and wonderful bond between the two of you. I don't think, I KNOW she knew she was the mother of your heart as well as you know you were a daughter in hers. Thanks for reminding us how precious moms are and I know I'm going home tonight and tell mine how much I love her. Prayers and peace for you and your family.
1 person likes this
@lvaldean (1612)
• United States
30 Oct 08
It is odd how when she first married my Dad I resisted her role as "mom". Loved that she loved my dad and that he loved her. He so greatly deserved to have love and caring in his life. I thought I was well beyond that though. She was just so full of grace though, so full of faith and love. Whether I agreed with her or not didn't matter only mattered that she embraced me thorns and all as if I was one of her own. She won me simply be standing in front of me and saying "I love you".
thank you for your thoughts and prayers we will need them with her loss we are befret.
1 person likes this
@fiona08 (454)
• United States
31 Oct 08
Oh, Ivaldean, I am so very sorry. I don't think any of us are ever ready to let go of someone we love so dearly. I know it will take a long time for this to stop hurting so intensely. I am certain that she knew she was the mother of your heart. From watching the way you express yourself here, I doubt there is anyone in your life who doesn't know what you want them to know. I am sure she felt as blessed to be your mother, as you felt to have her. Again, know that I am truly sorry for your pain, and loss.
1 person likes this
@lvaldean (1612)
• United States
31 Oct 08
Thanks for that you little chuckle, you are right that I do tell people what I think don't I. Yes, I often told her how much it meant to me that she had married my Dad and loved him so much, I wonder though if I told her often enough how much I loved her just for myself. I think I did, I hope so.
Whether she felt blessed to be my mother I certainly felt blessed to have her in my life. There are so many stories about her she was such a great woman.
1 person likes this
@samijo719 (1052)
• United States
30 Oct 08
First of all *hugs* I'm so sorry. Losing someone is always hard and I know from experience I can tell you I'm sorry for you loss and give it time until I"m blue in the face but it won't take your pain away. So I pray that the Lord will heal your pain and make it less and less each day!! Now I am sure she knew that she was your mother and how much you loved her. When you have that much love and admiration for someone it's hard to hide. I'm sure she felt the love you had for her very much, I could feel the love through the words you wrote and I have never met you so I'm sure she knew!
@chameleonsdream (1230)
• United States
30 Oct 08
Your very first line brought tears to my eyes. My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine - and don't want to - losing my mother. lvaldean, I firmly believe that she knows how you feel about her. That kind of love and trust is so rare, and you and your father were blessed to have shared her love and her life. I don't know you other than through our posts here at mylot, but right now, I wish I could sit down with you and listen to you tell me all the wonderful and silly things you remember about her. She sounds like a wonderful woman.
2 people like this
@lvaldean (1612)
• United States
30 Oct 08
You would be listening for a very long time, through many pots of coffee. I have known her all my life although she has only been married to my dad 18 years. She was married to his brother first, they all grew up together in a little South Texas town, my dad actually introduced them. She has always been in my life, a counter point of grace and humor. A great woman with a backbone of steel hidden within her deep charm. She always amazed me, the things she accomplished in her life.
1 person likes this
@hildas (3031)
•
30 Oct 08
I am so sorry about your loss. I am crying with you. My prayers are with you at this moment.
She certainly would have known that she was the Mother of your heart. She really knew. You could openly confide in your Mother, a lot of people cannot. She must of been proud knowing you could do that, knowing that you trusted her and loved her enough to do that. She loved you very much and seems to have been a really good Mother and friend to you.
Do not worry that you did not thank her or say goodbye.
For now do not say "goodbye",
for this is not the end.
Just say "until we meet again",
my dearest kindest friend.
I am so sorry about your loss. My thoughts are with you at this sad time.
@lvaldean (1612)
• United States
30 Oct 08
Thank you for your thoughts and kind words. I am just not ready for good-bye yet. Right now I am at the shaking my fist at the universe and screaming "why now" stage. I know I will get through this, my family needs me to but not yet, not today.
1 person likes this
@mrslisaepoetry (65)
• United States
30 Oct 08
I am so terribly sorry for your loss! I've lost both my parents, a brother n law, and countless friends and extended family. Grief takes time. I had a "momma". She passed in 2004 and I'm still struggling with the loss. We were blessed to have those special women in our lives. Its hard when they're taken away. It sounds like she loved you very much and most definitely knew the love you had for her. Again, sorry for your loss.
2 people like this
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
30 Oct 08
No one could ever be prepared for such a loss. Even in illness, we are never really prepared to lose a loved one but at least there is time to say our goodbyes. When it comes unexpectedly, it is a shock and there is no way you could be expected to handle it well at all. I am very sure that your mom knew how much you loved her and what an impact she had on your life. I am so very sorry for your loss.
1 person likes this
@lvaldean (1612)
• United States
30 Oct 08
First, thank you for your kind words. I have been preparing for a year as both my parents have been in fragile health. It doesn't matter I suppose, it just doesn't matter how pragmatically you understand that your parents are older and will pass; still hurts and hurts badly. I don't think I realized just how badly it would hurt. I hope that she knew, I think so but I guess I will always wonder.
1 person likes this
@ladybug565 (2216)
• United States
30 Oct 08
I am sorry for your loss. I am sure that she knew she was the mother of your heart. you are in my prayers.
1 person likes this
@Amberina (1541)
• United States
30 Oct 08
I lost my step father in 2000 and even though he was not my bio father I loved him dearly and he loved me as if I was his real daughter.
I think people come into our lives to bless us with love so that we can pass it along to others.
A mother knows her children love her with all their hearts and I'm positive your mother knew that as well.
I'm sorry she has passed, carry on her love to others it will be the best gift you could ever give her.
1 person likes this
@lvaldean (1612)
• United States
30 Oct 08
I am certain she knew that she was my Heart Home. I think I am just feeling a bit lost right now. It is hard to think of her not calling us all home and demanding our attendance and attention. I can't imagine the holidays without her. My first grandchild is due anyday now and she will miss it, I am saddened by this as well, my grandson won't know her or the love that she so freely gave to everyone within her circle. Thank you for sharing your loss as well.
1 person likes this
@sambhavana (226)
• India
30 Oct 08
I am so sorry for your loss. My eyes became moist while going thru your story. Your mother was THE mother of your heart and she most definetly must be knowing it. By the grace of god i have till now not experienced anything like that. But i can understand your grief. I wish all the best for your future life and may you come out of it soon.
@Shellyann36 (11384)
• United States
30 Oct 08
I am so sorry for all of the pain that you are feeling. I think that she knew she was your mother. It is obvious how you feel about her and I am sure she felt the same about you. Please try to be at Peace knowing that she is in a better place. Trust me, if she did not know that she was the mother of your heart, she will know now. Take care of yourself.
@hitejam89 (523)
• India
30 Oct 08
Sorry about your mother. the way you sound i think she knew that she was mother of you heart. i lost my father 2months back and then 1month back i lost my grandmother i can understand how you feel.
1 person likes this
