Just become someone is friendly...
@Anora_Eldorath (6028)
United States
February 22, 2009 9:40am CST
Just because someone is friendly does not make them a bad person. I've been reading a great deal about the concern over pedophiles recently and it's bothering me that the consensus seems to be that anyone friendly with your child or anyone's child is suddenly automatically a pedophile. If this was honestly the case then everyone that served you at the local eatery would be a pedophile, your child's doctor, etc.
We have several shops that we shop at all of the time locally. Our son is quite the lady's man at 2 1/2 and at one shop the owner, female, is always giving him food when we stop by and a little gift. If I were to use the above logic I'd be worried that she was a pedophile, as well as her hands on approach to pinching his cheeks, giving his ears a quick and gentle tug, and rubbing our daughter's belly (who is 6 months). However, I'm smart enough to know that it is her culture as she's already told us once the story about how in her country children with my son's ear style (he has ears that push out from the head and are rather large) are a sign of wealth in her country. She's also fascinated with people who are pale white like myself and my daughter. Our son is also a first born son, so he's viewed as very special in his placement. The other places we frequent including restaurants know us so well that they stop to talk to my son, play with his Star Wars toys with him (which he carries now in his pockets), and so forth. I don't consider any of them pedophiles.
And when complete strangers come up and tell us "You have such well behaved and beautiful children" my hackles don't go up saying 'They must be a pedophile', I am polite with them knowing they are simply giving a compliment.
Now yes, statistics can make us hyper-vigiliant as parents. The following website provided by Darkness 2 Light could make any parent's head fill with worry:
http://www.darkness2light.org/KnowAbout/statistics_2.asp
We must remember that a great many stories use statistics to pull at the emotions. I'm not saying it makes it right, this is something very wrong. However, there are other statistics that paint a different profile.
The national center for victims of crime states that most of the crimes against children occur by a family member. And it is these crimes that are more difficult for the child to overcome then crime by a stranger. (Though I wish for neither to occur. Do not think that because I'm providing something to think about that I would wish ill to a child. I'm merely stating we shouldn't assume that every stranger we meet is bad and every family member/close friend is safe. We shouldn't live in fear is the biggest message.)
http://www.ncvc.org/ncvc/main.aspx?dbName=DocumentViewer&DocumentID=38709
I think that the over-all message should be that can't live in fear and paranoia. We can't be going and telling or whispering that someone is a pedophile because they are friendly with our children. To accuse an innocent person is wrong. To start vicious rumors that are untrue is wrong. And rumors, for those familiar with Veggie Tales, spreads like wild weed.
Take the time to consider that statistics can be made to say anything. Keep your children safe, but do not teach them to fear everyone. Remember that fear leads to very poor decisions, and sometimes innocent people get hurt.
Namaste-Anora
1 person likes this
6 responses
@jiutian (20)
• China
23 Feb 09
suppose you are a little cute boy or girl,and a sttanger seems very fond of you,and can't help to pinch your cheek,how could you feel?I think all the children tend to like to be loved by others .why not ask your children how are their feeling .why not let them to judge it by themselves
@Anora_Eldorath (6028)
• United States
23 Feb 09
You bring up a good point. Children need attention and affection. And it's already proven that children respond to the power of touch. A few pinches to the cheeks, strokes of their hands, or a pat to the belly doesn't mean one is a pedophile. And children respond to these gestures, teaching them how to be compassionate caring people as well. Thank you for sharing-Anora
@deejean06 (1952)
• United States
23 Feb 09
I absolutely loved the Veggie Tales reference! My girlfriends' children watched all of those videos when they were young. They're just fabulous.
I agree - we can't live in fear all the time and have it dictate our daily actions. However I am cautious about everyone now that I am a mother. Back in November my husband and I went to vote, taking the baby with us of course. All the lady volunteers loved to see a baby at the voting place and of course talked to him. As we were leaving a woman stepped in front of us and said that she had had an awful day and that if the baby could only smile for her it would be so much better. Thankfully he did just that - she smiled back and then asked him to "talk" to her. Thankfully he also made some sounds for her and she thanked him for making her day have a happy ending.
There are still good people in the world and our jobs as parents are to make sure that only these people touch our children.
@Anora_Eldorath (6028)
• United States
23 Feb 09
Dee-
Thanks for sharing. I know we have to be cautious, but I feel we definately can't live in fear. It paralyzes most people and creates bigger problems then are necessary. I think that is a wonderful story about your family. What a nice think to do for somene else who needed it. And yes, I love Veggie Tales too, they really have some powerful lessons to teach.
Thanks again, Anora
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
23 Feb 09
I agree with you also. Isn't the world becoming so sad? My daughter is seven and loves visiting Santa every year at the shopping mall, she usually gives him a hug and gives him a detailed list of what she wants for Christmas as she sits on his knee and has a picture taken.
We see the same Santa every year, but this particular time we were on holidays in the other side of the country so we visited one in a department store there.
Well much to my little one's dismay as she approached Santa she was told not to sit on his knee and that hugging was not allowed due to some child protection policy set in place by the State Government (so they said).
My daughter was most upset and so was Santa by the look of him but "thems the rules" We were in a different state so clearly regulations were different although no one else I know experienced this.
I don't know about you but I find it so hard to explain the concept of "stranger danger" to my child and she is very confused. On the one hand I am teaching her to be friendly and smile and talk to people and on the other to run and hide if a stranger approaches!
It is caution gone crazy and it is such a shame that we have to lessen the quality of our lives because of a few sick individuals but having said that I do appreciate our children's safety is paramount.
1 person likes this
@Anora_Eldorath (6028)
• United States
23 Feb 09
Paula-
What a sad story about the Santa. I agree, child safety is important, yet what are we teaching our children if we teach paranoia? What is their quality of life if they live under the control of fear? All of this reminds me of an episode of Criminal Minds (early seasons) where someone remarked "All this time we've been teaching children stranger danger, but we never taught them about the man next door". The sad truth is, most abuse is at the hands of someone in the home or by someone who is very close to the child.
It is sad that we have to feel like we need to cut back on random acts of kindness simply becaue of what a few have done.
Thank you for sharing. Anora
@sandymay48 (2030)
• Canada
22 Feb 09
Hello....I agree whole heartedly with your discussion..I beleive that kindness and friendliness is a very important and good trait.
How do we teach our children kindness and to be kind if we also are teaching them to fear kindness.
I beleive that children need to be taught to be aware but not afraid.
The way the world is today, everyone is a suspect. Very sad really.
One instance that came to mind as soon as I read this discussion was when my daughter first started school. She was very tiny for her age. Every day she rode the school bus to school. I knew the school staff and bus drivers being a small community.
One day while shopping in the neighbourhood grocery store, I ran into the bus driver. He was quite upset as he related a story to me...
As I said, my daughter was tiny. Much shorter than average (and still is!!) The bus driver told me how she was struggling to get up in the bus seat because of the height. He told me that he had been trained that they were not allowed to touch any of the children in any ways so nothing could be started in the way of stories. He said it broke his heart to see her struggling and he had even gone to the principal of the school. All he wanted to do was lift her up into the seat. He was told that policies were policies and he could not help her. He told me how helpless he felt and what a ridiculous policy and that sometimes exceptions should need to apply.
The next day, my daughter told me that when she got on the school bus, there was a little wooden step by her seat so she could get up easier. She told me the bus driver had built it for her!! She was overjoyed and thought what a nice man he was. She never realized he built the step because he "wasnt allowed" to be a nice man incase his intentions were misconstrued by others.
I have never forgotton this, and it was over 20 years ago now and things have only gotton worse.
Do we need to trade in our manners and kindness for fear of being misunderstood? I should think not, but it has certainly made many feel uneasy.
1 person likes this
@Anora_Eldorath (6028)
• United States
23 Feb 09
Sandy-
Thank you so much for your heartfelt response. I apologize up front for the typo in the title. I am not sure how it typed "become" when it should have read "because", but I am glad you took the time to read through my post.
I've seen much recently on the news about this and it just burdens my heart. I think, how can we teach non-violence, acceptance, and so forth to our children if everyone is running around crying "pedophile". It is not that I do not think they exist, far from it, but I think that people so need to be aware of how people use statistics. I've seen far too many misquotes here on Mylot in the last week regarding this that as an educator I had to find the government links just so people would have the actual data collected from actual law enforcement data, and not some company that just wants to spread fear.
As mentioned, we have several people who fawn over our children. Just tonight at dinner the waitress held our children, cooed at them, and we didn't know her from adam. It was the first time we'd ever had her as we'd only been to the restaurant twice. Did we think she was odd? No. Not at all.
And as for those others that people deem "creepy", well perhaps there is a story there. So what if a homeless man looks at your child. Perhaps he's not really a pedophile, perhaps he's just someone who is catching a glimmer of happiness watching a child play. We're too paranoid in America, and yet not vigilant enough-if that makes sense.
Thank you again for sharing. Namaste-Anora
@TLChimes (4822)
• United States
22 Feb 09
Since I started several of those discussions (big surprise) I have to point out that the one was to provide information on a type of pedophile and no one stated friendly meant bad. The second one asked about how to make sure one didn't over protect their kids. How you teach with out scaring.
We mostly agree that friendly doesn't mean bad. I guess it is easy to assume that because people are watchful they can be over protective but honestly those who answered my threads seemed to not feel that way. They seemed to think you can balance teaching, watching, and protecting.
I think most people take kindness well. Not so much the creepy guy who stares your kid down at the park. It's just knowing when to worry and when to just smile back.
May all know that balance so less kids are put in harms way.
Be well and blessed!
