My marriage is over. I've taken all I'm going to take from him!
By mentalward
@mentalward (14690)
United States
March 11, 2009 2:14am CST
Okay, he's done it this time. Those of you who know me know what's been going on since "hubby darling" lost his job back in December. I just recently found out that it was all his own fault. He wasn't laid off because of cutbacks, he was laid off because he was not performing up to his usual standards and just thought the company would put up with it.
But, of course, he's been buying beer, usually 1 or 2 cases per week. No new job and only 2 'freelance' jobs since December. AND, he's having trouble getting paid for the first job! We STILL haven't received all the money owed from it, but he's diligently working on the second job.
Well, I've been making all the money I've been able to with surveys and stuff. I've been conserving electricity, trying to cut back everywhere possible. My son recently set a pipe in the ground (with concrete) so I can put up my umbrella-style clothesline so we won't be wasting electricity running the clothes dryer. Now, if you know me, you know the kind of pain I'm in every day and hanging clothes outside is gonna hurt me even more, but I'm quite willing to do it to save money that we really don't even have right now.
My son has been helping me both inside and outside, cleaning, clearing, straightening, etc. Both of my sons have helped me whenever they're able. This, apparently, is hurting my husband's precious ego because he's not doing these things for me. Well, he's had every chance to, but prefers to buy beer and get drunk instead.
Yesterday, my boys came over for their weekly visit. They normally come over on Wednesdays, but my oldest son, who works at WalMart, has to work today so they came over yesterday.
Here's the kicker... the reason my marriage is over: He got pissed at me for fixing dinner for my sons! We're talking a simple pasta dinner with turkey meatballs (cheaper than beef) that may have cost me 50 cents per serving to make.
We've had our squabbles over my sons coming over before and only got past them when I had to put my foot down. If you know me at all, you know that I'm all about peace and love and all that stuff. I'll put up with quite a lot before opening my mouth.
But, last night was the kicker for me. I was at the end of my rope and he pushed me off. I don't give a rat's patootie about him anymore. I'm in it for ME now. He can leave if he wants, or I might be forced to move... doesn't matter to me. Either way, I'll have a court order in his hand so fast his head will spin. He'll be forced to pay my expenses because I'm disabled. Judges really frown on men who leave their disabled wives to sink or swim.
So, that's it. No more. What I do from this point on is for me and me alone. Well, it'll include my sons because they've never turned on me like my husband has. They're both worth 100 of my husband! I'm sick of his telling me what I can and cannot do when I've been the one skrimping and saving and trying to think up ways to keep our heads afloat while he just gets drunk, spending money we don't have.
I actually feel much better now! A weight has been lifted. No more trying to please both him and my sons. I know where his loyalty is and it's to himself only.
(P.S. I reminded him that last week, my SON paid for dinner... we got dinner from Burger King and my son paid for it, which included my husband's share.)
Ah, now that that's off my chest, I feel SOOOOOO much better. Have you ever had a moment like this in your life when a major decision lifted tons of weight off your shoulders and made you feel much better just by making that decision? Share, please!
17 people like this
34 responses
@Barbietre (1438)
• United States
11 Mar 09
Well you have to do what you have to do. Many years ago after a really nasty period in my marriage we had a big thing happen that put me over the edge. After crying for a few days, I took stock in the situation and decided to change. I went back to school so I could eventually leave with our 2 children. I had 2 years of college and just a few credits short of an associates degree. I was not going to be abused anymore. And the better I felt about myself, he started to change because I was now becoming a force to contend with. I also have to add we got married young , I was 19 and he 21, so we were still wet behind the ears.
I think he came to realize how wrong he was and he even scared himself. so he changed for the better and eventually we rebuilt our marriage. Sometimes we just become to complacent and let things slide. so you have taken a step in the right direction. If things were meant to be, it will work out, but if not, a clean break is best.
And I became a much better person finished a 4 year college and on to Graduate school. Sometimes we need something to push us forward.
5 people like this
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
11 Mar 09
Hi mentalward~ I'm so sorry to hear that things have gotten
to this point. I know that you have been having such a hard
time with your husband. I don't know what to say to you. I
was hoping that things would start working out for you. I
hope that you will find a way to find some sort of solution
to your problem even if it does mean that you will have to
separate if that is really what you feel you want to do. You
can't continue to live like you are living and being upset
like you have been every day without finding a solution to
your problems. And you certainly can't put your sons in the
middle of it. I'm sorry that it has come down to this. I do
hope that maybe things will get better and your husband will
realize what he has done and try to make things right before
it's too late.
4 people like this
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
11 Mar 09
Mental,
I just wanted to say that after I saw the Phychiatrist for SS it wasn't long after that I received my first check. Also, you can get food stamps and should. You apply online so it's really easy. You should get a little over 300.00 a month. Don't hesitate, you desaerve this help. Good luck Sweetie.xoxoxo
leenie
Hi Opal,
I fully intend to write to you later. xoxoxo
2 people like this
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
11 Mar 09
I am so sorry! It sounds like he is going through a mid life crisis or something. I would not put up with him treating your kids the way he does. It is sad. I wish you all the luch with whatever you decide to do.
3 people like this
@dragon54u (31634)
• United States
11 Mar 09
When my husband left us I was just numb. But after a few days I felt as you do, as if a heavy weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I'm still sorry the marriage ended but I'm so much better off and I'm glad I don't have to be with him anymore because I put up with a LOT, just like you.
Find yourself a good attorney, they're worth their weight in gold. They may be costly but it will cost you more in the longrun if you try to go it alone. My lawyer worked very hard for me, even finding out my ex was lying about his income which I never would have been able to do. A good attorney can find out if your husband is hiding any assets from you, and also tell you how to protect your own assets like your other property if you live in a community property state.
Have you told your husband? It sounds as if he's been hiding a problem from you for a long time, even before he lost his job. If possible, let him be the one to leave--that helped my case be resolved more to my favor. I'll be praying for you, I know this is difficult and even though it's not been pleasant recently, it has to be heartbreaking to know that someone you once loved and probably still do doesn't care about the marriage anymore. 
@dragon54u (31634)
• United States
11 Mar 09
A Pink Floyd fan? 
I still think of my ex when I hear the song "Dogs" from the Animals album. One verse goes: "And it's too late to lose the weight you used to need to throw around. So have a good drown as you go down all alone, dragged down by the Stone."
Sorry it's come to this but it is liberating when you're no longer in limbo.
I still think of my ex when I hear the song "Dogs" from the Animals album. One verse goes: "And it's too late to lose the weight you used to need to throw around. So have a good drown as you go down all alone, dragged down by the Stone."
Sorry it's come to this but it is liberating when you're no longer in limbo.1 person likes this
@mentalward (14690)
• United States
11 Mar 09
Hi dragon. We haven't gotten to the "who gets what" stage at this point. Actually, I own more of this house and everything in it than he does. The down-payment for it ($100,000.00) was MY money. The new furniture we bought for it was paid for with MY money. He knows this. I have the paper trail to prove it, too, if it comes down to that. I also own $20,000.00 worth of his new truck,which is still just sitting in the driveway because he can't afford the new tags. (I say "new" truck because he bought it JUST before we moved here in May 2007... 3 trucks in as many years!)
It's heartbreaking to me to know that someone I once thought of as my soulmate turned out to be a fraud but, having been disappointed so many other times in my life, ESPECIALLY by him, it's not as bad as it could be. I've been "weened" into feeling nothing.
Ha! He's now trying to make up for his latest blunder. He just came in here to ask if I needed anything while he goes out to get more gas in one of our two containers we use for our hot water. It's either that or he's just trying to blow this all off by ignoring it. He generally does try to make up for his stupidity, though, even when I don't want it. (That's how I got an ATV... he thought I might like it... yeah, right... me with fibromyalgia, lupus, arthritis and bursitis... yep, sure, uh huh. I'd rather have had a new fishing pole!)
But, you know what? I honestly feel nothing. After calming down, I've mellowed into a... what are those words from that song? Oh! "Comfortably Numb."
2 people like this
@CRIVAS (1815)
• Canada
11 Mar 09
I am so sorry that you are going through all this, no one deserves to have their partner turn on them when things get tough. The whole reason beind a marriage is that you and your partner as supposed to share your life, love, happiness, sorrow and hardships with one another. I know that if I was in your situation I would do the same thing as you, seems like you manage pretty good on your own, you don't need a man to weigh you down. I feel bad that you are forced to deal with a selfish and what I see as and uncaring husband, I am sure that it has only been making your situation harder. Hopefully now that you have come to a decision about what to do, things will get better for you. I haven't had trouble like this with my husband but I have had to make an important decision that releaved a lot of stress once I had. I used to have a friend and every time we talked she would have nothing positive to say, everytime we talked she would tell me about all the things going wrong in her life. Please don't get me wrong, I don't mind listening to my friends troubles, within reason. However when the only thing that person does is complain about things that they can easily fix themself, that is when I start getting angry. I tried talking to her about it and to no avail. It got to the point that every time that we spoke, she would put me in a deep state of depression. I finally had to make a very difficult decision, I decided that since she refused to change, that I would have to distance myself from her. After I made the decision I felt a lot better. While I cherished our friendship it seemed one sided to me and I found myself more unhappy when we talked than I did when we weren't speaking. It has been about a year and I hate to say it becuase I did loose a good friendship, or what started out as one, but now I am happier and I know that I did the right thing. I am sure that everything will work out for you, just remember that you are a special person and you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness, anyone not willing to show you those things, doesn't deserve to be in your life. I hope that you find the happiness that you are looking for and know that your friends here at mylot love and respect you. Happy Mylotting.
@Dorrdavy (275)
• Jamaica
11 Mar 09
well, ive never really had that good feeling you're talking about but i can understand what you are saying.
i am sorry that it had to end like this but as you said, you can only take so much and no more, i love when marriages last but the persons involved must be happy.
i will encourage no one to stay in a marriage and suffer forever.
and whats up with the little dinner you made for your son, why in Gods name should he have a problem with that?
@cream97 (29086)
• United States
11 Mar 09
Hi Dorrdavy! At least she took the time to prepare a meal for her family. That shows a true woman.. He should have tried to cook for them.. I want to know too, why he got angry because she cooked??? He should get his lazy behind up to cook too. Mentalward, can he cook??
Your husband is very wrong to treat you like that. You are doing something for your family, lesser than what he is doing. No wonder some women in this world, trys to wear the pants in their marriages.. It is because of slime balls like your husband.. I am sorry to say that about your man, but he is not a man for doing you like this.. God is not at all pleased with his actions towards you and the boys..
Your husband is very wrong to treat you like that. You are doing something for your family, lesser than what he is doing. No wonder some women in this world, trys to wear the pants in their marriages.. It is because of slime balls like your husband.. I am sorry to say that about your man, but he is not a man for doing you like this.. God is not at all pleased with his actions towards you and the boys..1 person likes this
@moondancer (7431)
• United States
12 Mar 09
Hello dear. I'm sorry that your husband has been such a jerk to you and your sons. His ego and male pride wouldn't be hurt or be an issue if he had just kept his job...by doing his job, or got out and got another one and not wallering in self pity.
I know how you feel as I've been there before too. I cleaned houses and sat for a child, I also typed rsumes for people and other documents they needed to make money while my husband ran the roads just visiting people including girls he'd meet. He kept getting himself laid off for the same reason, he wouldn't work...well he told me he was laid off. I found out that he was fired because he wouldn't work, they'd find him in a hole someplace hiding from work.
He thought I wouldn't find out or that his uncles wouldn't tell on him....guess what they did.
I was so upset I left him. I was busting my butt doing things to make money, he was just putting gas in the truck and running all over running it out...doing nothing but visiting people.
I was pregnant and had many problems during pregnancy. He didn't care that I was out there doing what I wasn't suppose to be doing...which was anything. I was taking a chance of dying myself and our baby too. That's what they doctor said. He even gave me a note for my husband telling him I was to be on complete bed rest. I couldn't get up for a drink of water.
He moved me to his parents so he could do what he wanted when he wanted. I left him after the baby was born. I couln't leave before that because of many problems. I had high sugar, high blood pressure, toximia, and I don't remember what all else.
He was no good and only did things for himself, that's all he cares about to this day. I was going nowhere while being with him and I knew it. So I moved on to do better for me and the children.
I know it's hard and being disabled isn't helping. I wish you all of the luck you can have that is good. Stick to your commitment and hold your ground. You will feel better for it.
1 person likes this
@ahgong (10064)
• Singapore
11 Mar 09
First of all, I am sorry to hear of the situation you are in.
We have been chatting for a while now in mylot. And if you know me, I am never one for breaking up over anything. Cos for two people to come together, it is a tough thing. And to work the kinks out of a relationship that has gone into the hard-time zone, it is gonna take a lot of effort from both parties.
But who am I to judge? Only you would know better what is good for you and your relationship with this man.
Well, it is obvious your partner is in one of his depress moods.
I sure hope this ultimatium you have placed on the table will wake him from his depressed stupor instead of pushing him further down the deep end.
These are hard times. And no one is having a good time.
Have you tried asking and understanding why he is not performing to par on his job?
Did he share with you why he is feeling so disgrunted about life now?
There is no more room to iron things out?
@skysuccess (8858)
• Singapore
11 Mar 09
mentalward,
This is really sad and for your to arrive at this stage is just so disappointing. *Pat* *Pat* You really do not deserve this especially during such challenging times.
I hope that you will not let your spirits be down and that you will remember to take care of yourself especially health wise. I suppose since you are both parting ways just part as amicably as possible.
Take care and have a nice day.
@Amberina (1541)
• United States
11 Mar 09
Good for you! There is no reason you should put up with him not working and being a big whiney baby. Do what you have to and by the way the clothes line is a wonderful idea! I love smelling clothes that have been out on the line on a hot summer day 
If I could get away with it here I would I live in a trailer park and they say it could be a fire hazard 
I know when was the last time you saw a clothes line catch on fire........anyway I'm going to make a small one that can't be seen.
If I could get away with it here I would I live in a trailer park and they say it could be a fire hazard I know when was the last time you saw a clothes line catch on fire........anyway I'm going to make a small one that can't be seen. 2 people like this
@cream97 (29086)
• United States
11 Mar 09
Hi, mentalward! I am happy to see you! And I am very sorry about your husband and how his drinking has caused your marriage to fall apart. You are a very strong woman! You can see and feel it in the way that you write. You also have excellent grammar skills too. I don't know why your husband chooses to not do for his family. He is very neglectful and irresponsible! Your sons seem to really love you and they really support you as their mom. You are a blessed and loving woman. Any man that is blinded to this is insane! If he really had loved you, he would not put booze before he puts his family needs. No man should ever leave his woman stranded to take care of all the household bills. He needs to do his part as a husband. And since he did not, then he leaves you no choise to fend for yourself! Your sons has to have taken their ways from you and not their father. They are smart and mature. And sweet too. Well, only you know when it is time when to call it quits, and now is the perfect time! He has wasted your time, and it is time for you to regain it all back! Take care of yourself and your sons! You deserve to be loved and treated with all the love in the world! Your husband is a fool!
1 person likes this
@Shar19 (8231)
• United States
11 Mar 09
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through all of that. You're right to leave him. He obviously doesn't want to change and make things better. It's time to take care of yourself. Your first step is to get away from the people poisoning your life - your husband.
2 people like this
@j47lee (740)
• Canada
14 Mar 09
awww.. im so sorry to hear that you got an asss of a husband.... instead of saving..he's more into getting drunk... but getting drunk isnt going to get him a job... its not your fault he lost his job... he was not performing upto the standard... why should he lose his temper on you..... he needs a wakeup call...
1 person likes this
@intari (190)
• Indonesia
13 Mar 09
i'm really sorry about your marriage.maybe this is the way out.but both of u must be calm down. please don't make decisions in emotios.think a lot. especially your children.they still need their parent to love and caring them.if your marriage broke (hope not), your children will the first who feel it.they don't know about anything.well, whatever your decision is ,i hope it'll be the best for everybody.and your children can be patient.good luck to you and your family.
@mummymo (23706)
•
12 Mar 09
Hi mentalward - I don't know you well but I have been wondering how you are since I answered that discussion about your husband drinking the other week. I know that you are probably (or at least were when you wrote this) numb and emotionless. I have been there and done that and I know it is very difficult. My best advice is not to do anything rash but at the same time do not stay too long if you feel that you are going to lose your grip on reality if you stay. You may well decide when things have calmed down that you might be able to make things work and if you do stay strong and make him realise that your sons are your first priority and you will not stand for him to act like a spoilt brat and show his toys out of the pram because you are mothering the children you gave birth to rather than the one you married.
When I met my other half I didn't trust any men but he won me around and he knew from the very start that first and foremost I was a Mum, that was the most important role in my life and always would be. Sounds like your husband has never grown up and is a spoiled brat who needs a good dose of reality!
Do let us know how things are going and know that you have my best wishes, support and prayers. xxxxx
1 person likes this
@cryw0lf (1302)
• United Kingdom
12 Mar 09
Hey mentalward,
Haha remember me from a post you made a little while ago?
It just occurred to me that... well... you should actually let him read what you're writing here, before you take any drastic measures. Letting him read what you've put will show him how you feel, and if he reacts badly, then go ahead and divorce him. If this doesnt shock him back into reality then its just not worth it, is it?
Anyway, Good luck with the situation.
1 person likes this
@Jezebella (1446)
• United States
12 Mar 09
He got mad because you made dinner for your sons...that doesn't make much sense, just stupid. I would leave to if he kept trying to tell me what I could or could not do or get mad because I mad dinner for my boys who are always helping me instead of my own husband. What a jerk!
@Chevee (5905)
• United States
11 Mar 09
I was wondering how you were doing. It's getting worse instead of better. He has very deep issues here. It is more than he can handle it seems. He should seek some kind of help this is to much for him. So much is going on with people and their lives, and mentality that you just have to be careful. I really don't understand him. And why he would do work for someone that hasn't paid him for the job he has already done. It sounds sort of fishy to me.
I hope things get better for you. I will have you in my prayers, I wish there was
more I could do.
1 person likes this
@lynnemg (4529)
• United States
12 Mar 09
I am proud of you for sticking up for yourself! Yes, I have been there to. My ex-husband was never a drunk, never physically abusive, and never put me down, but, then again, he was NEVER there. He was a thief, a liar, and a cheat. He spent all but our first anniversary (out of 6) in jail or prison, and I still stood by his side. For me, the last straw was when he got out of prison, after being there for 22 months, I won't even get into the details of all the things I managed to accomplish while he was locked up, then, not only did he cheat again, he also dragged some really painful memories out of me, and left me to deal with them all overagain, alone. That was my final breaking point. To know what I had done and how I stood beside him through everything, then he did that to me! Once I made the decision that it was over, I felt like a tonof bricks was lifted off my shoulders. I don't regret that marriafe, but I don't regret the divorce either. I consider my mariage to him as a 6 year learning experience, and I got some beautiful and intelligent kids out of it. I don't regret the divorce at all because I am now so much better off and have a wonderful husband who is here for me and the kids every day, I don't worry about where he is, what (or who) he is doing, and I know that he loves us all. Had I stayed in my first marriage, I wouldn't be where I am today. Yes, it was very hard at the time, but looking back, it was proably the best thing I ever did for myself and my kids.
Sometimes, we just know what we have to do. If you truly feel it is over, then get out now, don't prolong it, that will only make it harder. I am sorry that you have had to endure all of this, but it sounds to me like he really doesn't deerve you. How could anyone get upset about feeding their own kids? That is down-right crazy! I don't care if they are biologically his or not, he should be grateful that they have been so willing to help you when he won't! A dinner here and there is nothing compared to all those boys are doing to help out!
I wish you all the luck in the world. It sounds to me as if you have really made some changes in your life to try to help with finances, and are continuing t do what you have to do save money where you can. It won't be easy for you, but I bet in the end of it all, you will end up feeling so much better. Once you feel less stressed, youmay even stop hurting so much. Wouldn't that be nice?
1 person likes this
