Does He Deserve to See The Kids?
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
United States
March 16, 2009 12:11pm CST
Here is minimal back story.
I was dating a guy who we will call John, back in 1999. In 2000 I got pregnant. We broke up. He tried to force me to have an abortion. In 2001 he found out I was going to have a boy and for 4 short months he became "would be father of the year." May of 2001 my son was born. A month later John and I broke up. August of 2001 John and I got back together. September of 2001, I was pregnant again even after receiving the Depo Prevera shot to prevent further pregnancies. October of 2001 John got a job working 15 hours a day 5 days a week and when he was home he was always asleep.
May of 2002 my second son was born. August of 2002 I left John after the 2nd time he got arrested for assaulting me, and moved back home to a different state. December of 2002 John came up to see the kids. He stayed until April of 2003 when he got arrested again.
I didn't see John again until November of 2003 when he convinced me to take him back. We were together until February of 2004. from that time until November of 2005 I only saw John when he happened to be in the area and he would only stay a week or two at a time then disappear for months.
October of 2005 after a lapse in my sanity I got pregnant again. The pregnancy was high risk. I was taken out of work work in November and John moved in with me to help me around the house. His idea of help was laying on my couch playing the Playstation, giving the boys Mountain Dew and Doritos for dinner and making sure they didn't burn the house down. They did however manage to flood the bathroom on more than one occasion.
July of 2006 my daughter was born. September of 2006 I threw John out. He never left the area and showed up on my doorstep whenever he felt like it.
January of 2007 John got arrested for assaulting me yet again and finally moved back to the state he grew up in after he got released from prison. In June of 2008 he was placed on 2 years probation for this crime after being picked up on a fugitive warrant in his home state.
John has never once paid a penny EVER to support these 3 children. When I filed for support he filed for a paternity test that he didn't show up for on 3 separate occasions. The last time John saw any of these 3 children was Fathers Day of 2007. ALMOST 2 YEARS AGO!
In November of 2007 I got an order from the court saying that John was not the father of these 3 kids because he never showed up for his paternity testing.
Today I found out that John has filed for physical and legal custody of my sons and my youngest daughter.
My sons are in therapy 2 hours a week to talk about the abuse they experienced and witnessed from John. All 3 of these children call my new husband, Daddy. My daughter has never known anyone but my husband. She was 4 months old when we started dating. She will be 3 this year. My oldest son has even changed his last name to my husbands name (though not legally, he introduces himself with my husbands last name). They don't talk about John. They don't want to see him. My oldest son goes into hysterics at the mention of his name.
So do you think, after all you have read, that John deserves to be a part of the lives of these 3 children?
Please save me the comments about what an idiot I am for having 3 kids with someone who is such a jerk. I know that. But I also live with these amazing children every day of my life and I wouldn't change a thing about having them for all the money in the world. I love them and they mean more than everything to me.
Please share your thoughts.
14 people like this
33 responses
@bellaofchaos (11538)
• United States
20 Mar 09
My dear best friend I'm sorry and though we have talked about it over the phone I still had to answer this discussion. I say with a resounding HE!! No! that this man shouldn't even be allowed to live let alone see your kids. They are not his and will never be his. Scary as it sounds they are more Ryan's than Jacka$$'$ .. Tikki wouldn't even know who the heck this stranger is ... The boys will be a complete utter mess again fearing about stuff that they shouldn't. The last time he saw one of his kids they couldn't stop puking over the stress of seeing him and then when the chilkd wanted to come home he wouldn't let him. We all know how that ended. I mean this thing,(and I say thing because he doesn't have the compassion for a fly.),only wants to have visitation most likely because the dumb blonde(no offense to blondes. Heck I'm blonde) think he's a great parent and with every lie that he has told her she has probably convinced him they could provide better for the kids. When in all actuality when he makes sure she is under his thumb he'll go back to the same thing he did to you only to her this time.
He has 4 kids and doesn't pay one penny for any of the kids and doesn't see them or bother with them or send presents or card or letter or something. He!! he didn't even fight when he got an order saying that he no longer has a legal responsibility to them. grrrr and now he wants to...No this is about his vendetta and his girlfriend's pushing him to be more active if what he tells her is true.
I think that he needs to leave you all alone. If his kids want to talk to him he can wait until the ask .. which will be when hell freezes over and the devil says you all get second chance run to heaven. LOL!! But seriously he needs to let the continue to heal and live life. They have changed so much and feel so secure.
Him coming back into their lives will ruin everything or mostly everything that therapy has done for them. I'm sorry that this is happening but me and ryan are going to stand beside you and be there for you and if you need anything and I mean anything I'm there for you .. Jacka$$ better just turn his a$$ around and walk bak to where he came from..
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I hope the he!! he doesn't bring his mommy and daddy down here for this.
2 people like this
@bellaofchaos (11538)
• United States
20 Mar 09
To bad we couldn't just convince him to run the other way and make life easier for everyone invovled. I'm always here and available to help you in anyway that I can hun you know that.But my offers stand as this no matter what I'm here for you ..Ask and you shall recieve.
2 people like this
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
20 Mar 09
Mommy and daddy came with him in October to the termination hearing. So did the blond. They all got to sit in the hallway during the 4+ hour hearing. It was a small victory.
His mother isn't going to do him any favors, she doesn't even believe the oldest child is his. But I'm sure if they know about it they will all make a trip out of it.
I know and you know and everyone who has been around these children to witness the before and after John effects knows that he will cause nothing but damage to them. Let's just hope the judge is as easily convinced.
3 people like this
@AngryKittyMSV (4317)
• United States
21 Mar 09
Any way you could arrange for him to have a nice hunting trip that goes "horribly" wrong? 
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
18 Mar 09
Part of their lives, maybe. IF he can complete some anger management and parenting courses and agrees to be supervised at least in the beginning. But full custody? That is absolutely freakin' insane and I hope that it gets thrown the heck out of court!
@bellaofchaos (11538)
• United States
20 Mar 09
Dawnald,
I have to say something on Cyn's behalf here. She has done everything in her power to give him a chance but he has screwed the pooch here. (pardon my language.). But I have seen first hand at what he has done to these kids and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, this man, john, he doesn't change he moves from one victim to the next ..Let's just say he has some dang good charisma that gets him out of some things and that he acts real well to get what he wants. I'm sorry but if you would have seen all that this man has down to his children you would never ever let him near another child.
3 people like this
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
18 Mar 09
I've waited 3 days for someone to say this. If my text comes across as harsh sounding I apologize but how could you honestly suggest that he should get to see them even MAYBE after he jumps through all those hoops?
You may as well call it 2 years since he has seen or spoken to the oldest ones and the baby who is almost 3, would run screaming from him because she doesn't like strangers.
My children have a new life now. They do not mention him. He isn't talked about at all in this household. The boys are still in therapy because of him. Do you honestly think that some anger management and parenting classes on Johns part is going to make a freakin bit of difference to the children here?
I don't even think he wants full custody. His request for modification didn't specify full or partial, but I don't...and 30 some other people here don't, think he deserves to even occupy the same atmosphere as these children.
You are entitled to your opinion and I am not faulting you for the opinion you have. I am just confused as to why you think that John changing would make him worthy of being around children who don't even mention his name.
3 people like this
@dawnald (85146)
• Shingle Springs, California
18 Mar 09
I guess I'm a big believer in second chances and in people being given an opportunity to reform. That is, if they are truly sincere and are going to do everything in their power to do so. But I also believe that there's a point of no return. That is, the things that they've done are so awful that it no longer matters if they have reformed or not. I'd say only you can decide if what he has done falls into the first category or the second. Unfortunately it is possible that the courts may take that decision out of your hands.
2 people like this
@KrauseHome (36448)
• United States
20 Apr 09
Well, do you still have the paperwork from when they said the kids were not his due to him refusing to do the Paternity test? For me, I would think that would be proof enough, and since he has never paid Child support I think a Good lawyer would be able to help win that one as well.
Seriously I think your Best interest should be for the sake of your kids. And since you are remarried I am sure you are concerned about the kids relationship with your New husband as well. But your Best bet is to get a Lawyer and fight it from there. Will be praying for the Best.
1 person likes this
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
20 Apr 09
No, not showing up for the paternity test made the courts find him to be the father. But then not showing up for the custody hearing made the courts say he had no rights or responsibilities to the kids.
My kids have lived with my new husband for 2 years now. They all love him and call him daddy. And lucky me....my husband is also my good lawyer.
1 person likes this
@vivasuzi (4127)
• United States
18 Mar 09
That is just awful. I guess anyone can file to get the kids, but I am guessing there is a 99% chance that he can't get them b/c they can't prove you as a bad mother and you can prove him as a bad father! Just keep up the paperwork and piles of proof you listed in this post and good luck to you! If anything, this is just an attempt for him to delay paying custody. I doubt he actually WANTS the kids otherwise he would have tried to be with them before.
1 person likes this
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
18 Mar 09
You and me both Suzi. I don't know how on earth he was even permitted to file anything concerning the kids because the last order of court I received says he has no rights or responsibilities to them. But my wonderful attorney/husband explained that having no rights is NOT the same thing as terminating ones rights. So I have to do through this yet again.
Obviously abusing mom doesn't mean you are a bad dad. A person who needs anger management classes, yes, but not a bad dad. *shaking head*
And the fact that I never reported the abuse of the children out of fear they would be taken away from me makes the only way to prove it happened is to have the boys testify and they are too young to be sworn in. The don't understand the consequences of not telling the truth and having to sit on the stand and look at John would drive my oldest son into hysterics.
2 people like this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
18 Mar 09
This guy is one highly toxic dude and should be on the receiving end of an injection or surgery to change his personality. It's my idea that you should do everything possible to keep this guy out of your life and away from your children so that they can forget him and don't ever have to hear about him much less deal with seeing him or even remembering him. What your husband's thoughts are on the subject I think should be more pertinent to the issue.
It must tear your heart out that your kids are still suffering this rotten egg person. How long must they have therapy...is it healthy for them to continue to remember him and have to deal with those memories on a weekly basis?
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
18 Mar 09
I've been reading some of the other responses and your comments and notice that your husband is behind you in this. He's such a good guy Cyn. It occurred to me that this turn around has come since your recent marriage. He possibly has dollar signs in his eyes...he's possibly hopeful of being paid off to go away. Maybe?
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
18 Mar 09
You certainly have your hands full. It beats me that the courts don't see the damage that has been done and the good work you are putting in to rectify things. It must be so hard for you to deal with everything on your plate and this terd that keeps popping up as well. I wish you and your family well...keep your chin up, you are a strong lady and you haven't let the moron keep you down. With all the positive influences you must surely give your kids, they will be okay in the long term, I'm sure. Love and hugs. 
1 person likes this
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
18 Mar 09
I'm sure if I offered John thousands of dollars he would gladly let my husband adopt the kids and go away. But that is extortion considering everything I have on my side to get a favorable decision from the courts.
My husband tried to adopt the kids in November of 2007 but John showed up and objected and I didn't meet my burden of proof that John "abandoned" the kids because John thought he had no rights to the kids because of the last custody order telling him he didn't.
Ever watch a dog chase it's tail? That pretty much sums up the last hearing we had. You didn't do this. I didn't do this because of this. Because you didn't do that we got this.....and on and on and on until the judge finally threw up all out of his courtroom after 4 flippin hours of the same testimony over and over again.
They are in therapy more than just to deal with what John did. My oldest son regressed to the point where he was developmentally behind other boys his age. I couldn't even send him to preschool because he would wet himself, and start babbling in baby talk then go and hide in a corner. He is almost back up to the level where he should be.
My second son is very aggressive and nothing short of a terrible liar. I can be looking at him playing with something and tell him to put it away. He won't even take his eyes off of it long enough to see me standing in front of him, before he tells me he ISN'T playing with anything. If something gets broken, again...I can watch him do it but it is always someone else's fault. And his first instinct is to slap me when I try to reprimand him. all things he learned from watching dear old dad. So the therapy goes beyond dealing with their feelings about John. Their current behavior, although improving, still has a long way to go.
2 people like this
@AngryKittyMSV (4317)
• United States
21 Mar 09
Hell no he doesn't have a "right" to see them! He even tried claiming they weren't "his", so how can any court force you to let him see kids that he said aren't even his? To hell with him, you and your precious children have suffered enough at the hands of this jackass. If I were you I'd look into a decent lawyer and a new restraining order to protect those children from that jerk.
1 person likes this
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
21 Mar 09
I got the best lawyer in the world....my husband. Who better to fight for these kids than the man who has seen the before and after effects of Johns involvement with his own two eyes?
Unfortunately John only claimed they weren't his to get out of paying support for them but when he didn't show up for the paternity testing he was found to be the father, which clashes with my court order saying he has no rights or responsibilities to them. Having no rights obviously isn't the same as having your rights terminated.
I can't get a restraining order because he is ordered to have no contact with me as a condition of his probation.
This is all one comical nightmare. Really, there is no other way to describe it.
2 people like this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
18 Mar 09
Even though I haven't been on mylot much in the last couple of months, I guess you know what my answer to that one is. No!!! That's it...obvious that he doesn't need to be a part of the kids' lives. They are better of at having a proper family with their 'daddy'.
1 person likes this
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
18 Mar 09
You're right, I haven't seen you in forever. Thanks so much for your comment hun.
2 people like this
@James72 (26790)
• Australia
16 Mar 09
The main point I wish to make in regards to this really is that being a "Father" is so much more than just a title alone. Has he been making an effort to keep in touch with them at all? Has he even stepped up to prove his parentage in the eyes of the law? Has he demonstrated in any way a desire to be a changed person or sought help to change? Based on what you've shared, it appears to be a resounding NO on all these counts. These children deserve much better than what this man has to offer, so this man deserves absolutely no part in these kids lives. If they wish to make contact with him when they're old enough to make mature decisions for themselves, so be it. But for now, the only influence this man will have on them, would be a negative one in my opinion.
@James72 (26790)
• Australia
16 Mar 09
You'll get more than just crossed fingers from me Cyn. 
I wish you every blessing for this case and hope that you can move on from it sooner rather than later with your kids 100% by your side. Justice can most definitely be blind, but surely if all you have shared is acknowledged by a Judge, the worst that can come of it is supervised visitation at best! Please let us know how things pan out.
I wish you every blessing for this case and hope that you can move on from it sooner rather than later with your kids 100% by your side. Justice can most definitely be blind, but surely if all you have shared is acknowledged by a Judge, the worst that can come of it is supervised visitation at best! Please let us know how things pan out. 
@moondancer (7433)
• United States
17 Mar 09
No, most certainly not. He is too unstable and an abusive person. He has never cared for the children only what he can get from you. I'm sorry but I call it as I see it.
You need to be strong and make him stay out of your life and the childrens lives. You also need to get a restraining order on him that will include him staying away from the children. He has abused you and I'm sure it was in front of them. Also he has never done a thing for them.
If you have a restraining order on him and have it set that he can't see the children unless he's supervised, if they allow him to see them.
Make sure you don't be there when he visits, have someone you trust totally to take them to him. He will get up to 4 hours of visitation with them. If he is the way I think he will be this will get old and he will stop.
Make sure that you keep a journal. When he calls about them, or comes to see them. Wat he gives them or gives to you for them.
This will help you when you go to court, all of this will.
I wish you the best and keep us up to date on what's happening. A man like this does nor need to have babies with him.
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
17 Mar 09
I can't get a restraining order because as a condition of his probation he is not permitted to have contact with me. So that is actually better because a probation violation is worse than violating a restraining order.
The last custody order I have states that he has no rights or responsibilities to these children but unfortunately that isn't the same as terminating his rights so that is how he was able to file to modify that custody order.
A man like this needs to be taken out and shot.
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
17 Mar 09
First you have to ask a judge to force John to get a paternity test. If it is proven that his DNA does not match, he is not the father and you will be in your rights to not allow him to see the children. However, if it is proven by the DNA tests that he is the father, he has to see them even though he is a creep.
I would suggest supervised visits because I suspect that if he were allowed to see the children alone he might take off with them and you will never find them. Maybe once a month wold be plenty unless he becomes more responsible.
Have you suggested to the courts about garnishing his wages?
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
17 Mar 09
John already was determined to be the father when he didnt show up for DNA testing 3 times. I took the kids for the testing. In support cases when you don't show up the court automatically says you are the dad because you are obviously avoiding the testing for a reason. So John owes me arrerages since January of 2007 in the amount of $500 a month. Stupid is as stupid does.
But then he didn't show up for a custody hearing he asked for and that is how I got an order saying he had no rights or responsibilities to the kids, and also how the support order got closed...but i just got back from reopening it today. But unfortunately since that was "technically" a custody order it is able to be modified....and that is how he was able to file for a custody modification and ask for custody again.
As for garnishing his wages...he works for his mommy who owns her own company and has him listed as a "consultant" so everytime it came time to go to court for support he would be unemployed. If there is a bigger loser on this planet I have yet to encounter him, and hope I never do because one John is enough for a lifetime.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
18 Mar 09
Too bad the police cannot come to his house and drag him to the DNA testing office. I was wondering whether the court can declare him an unfit parent? It looks like you did all that you could. If he wants to be a father he should prove it, not just be a father in name only because then the children will hate him.
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
18 Mar 09
I'm a little confused...ok, alot confused...on how he can try to get custody if he claims their not his and hasn't had a paternity test with them.
As to whether he should get to see them or not...the fact that they don't know him may or may not sway a judge in your favor...the fact that the oldest goes into hysterics at the mention of his name is definately a point in your favor. My suggestions would be 1)get a great lawyer and clean your ex's clock, 2)have their therapist write the courts a letter as to whether the visits would be helpful or harmful to the children and 3)get your lawyer to push for paternity tests and child support. The fact that he is violent (you can also get copies of the police reports for the courts) and has been to prison is also a point in your favor.
I wish you lots of luck.
[b]~~AT PEACE WITHIN~~
**STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS**[/b]
@twoey68 (13627)
• United States
19 Mar 09
You are so lucky!!! Most women end up with legal aide or spending a fortune to try to fight their ex. I know Hubby's child support issues would be alot different if he had his own family lawyer...but neither of us have one in our families.
[b]**AT PEACE WITHIN**
~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~[/b]
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
18 Mar 09
The confusion lies in the fact that when you don't show up for DNA testing you are automatically found to be the father. So there he was found TO BE the father. Now when he filed a petition saying he wasn't the father and didn't show up for the last custody hearing, the court said he wasn't the father. But that only gave him the ability to not be responsible for them, it didn't take away his parental rights.
I know....it doesn't make sense to me either.
I have a fantastic lawyer. My husband. Who better to fight to keep this jerk away from John then the man I married who has seen what John's involvement has done to my children?
Thanks for your comment hun. I'll keep everyone updated.
@micheleg34 (141)
• United States
16 Mar 09
Wow... That's quite a situation. I usually think that every man has a right to a relationship with his children. BUT, I also think that this man gave up that right when 1. He assaulted you in front of the children, and 2. He decided not to see them on a regular basis. I'm thinking he has to have some kind of reason for seeking custody NOW. I'm sure it's not a good reason, but something has happened that makes him think that having the kids would be good for him... men like him don't care what's good for the kids. From his history, if all this is documented (which I'm sure it is, since he's been to jail), the most I think he can hope for is supervised visitation. That's what I would push for if I were you. The courts are going to let him see his kids no matter what he has done unfortunately, but they definitely need to be supervised while with him. The oldest may even be old enough to make the decision not to see him at all. Ok, I'm rambling, but basically, no, I don't think he has a right to be part of their lives because of what he has done, but I also think you may not have a choice but to let him see them, and you should push for as limited contact as possible... I wish you all the best.
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
16 Mar 09
His reason is his "not even divorced yet" fiance. He lives with her and her 3 kids. She is pushing him to screw with my happy. And of course she thinks he is a "great dad" because her soon to be ex-husband supports her kids and actually uses the visitation he has been given.
But you are right about everything else. He will get some time with the kids and we are going to push for supervised visitation only, so that when the supervisor sees my oldest son reduced to a bawling puddle of flesh hiding under the nearest table he can tell the judge what a bad idea it is to have him around these kids.
Wishing me the best is all I can hope for. Thanks Micheleg34.
@micheleg34 (141)
• United States
16 Mar 09
I'll never understand why some women can't see what is right in front of them. If a man hasn't seen his kids in two years, then he is obviously NOT a good father! Women like that make me so mad. My ex husband married a woman who was convinced he was the best thing since sliced bread. She continued to believe this even after I told her everything he had done to me (he liked to break bones) and HE CONFIRMED IT! She STILL continued to believe it after his mother, his first wife, and myself, told her that he was LYING to her about how many times he had been married! Unfortunately, she is now finding out the hard way that we were all right. I feel for her, but I find it a bit hard to pity her.
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
16 Mar 09
I told Johns new airhead everything too. She still sided with him because his version sounds better the way he tells it. In his version I have kept him from seeing his kids forever and every time he tried to spend time with them I would have his arrested by lying and saying he beat me up. She would rather believe that I bruised myself and my kids imagined everything that happened to them, then to believe "her love" is capable of doing such evil things.
I don't pity her at all. But I do worry that her 3 kids (which are all the same ages as my 3 kids) will one day become his victims as well.
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
17 Mar 09
Frankly, no, of course he doesn't deserve to be anywhere near them, and to even entertain the possibility of custody is beyond reason. And if the courts have already deemed him 'not to be the father' then how can he even apply for custody?
I can only hope that the judge will speak in chambers to each of the boys and find out what they want. Surely he must have to submit now to a paternity test? Tie him up in court...YOU be the one to 'not show up' with the kids for testing.
I know, that's probably not an option, but hells bells woman what a mess and all I can really say is, MOVE TO CANADA! We'd sort that sob out so fast up here his head would spin............
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
17 Mar 09
That's the conundrum here. When he didn't show up for the DNA testing he was deemed to be the father like they courts always do when people dodge the DNA testing trying to get out of paying for their kids.
But then when he filed a petition saying he didn't think he was their father and then didn't show up for a modification of custody hearing he scheduled.....the court deemed him not to have any rights or responsibilities to the children.
It was a happy happy day when I got that order.
I find out now, that an order saying he has no rights is not the same as a termination of rights and thus that is how I am where I am now.
I'm sending the kids to you when if it ever comes time for him to get visitation. Make sure you have some oranges and that truck that the moose liked handy.
1 person likes this
@sparkofinsanity (20471)
• Regina, Saskatchewan
17 Mar 09
Not a prob. I've got the oranges and still have the truck, my trusty bic and a can of gasoline. I will keep all this for your ex of course..........the kids will be just fine here. I'll keep 'em locked in the coal cellar until he's 'gone'! LOL
@deejean06 (1952)
• United States
18 Mar 09
You are absolutely right to protect your children and please do everything in your power to do so. They are the only people who count now and cannot protect themselves. I wish you health and happiness for your entire family but John is not a part of it nor should he be.
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
17 Mar 09
I want to write so many things and for once I wish English was my mother-tongue…you know I am just fumbling for the right words amidst a flood of conflicting emotions…will only say that the wedding pix of you and your hubby and the kids keep coming back to my mind and YES I want to keep seeing this happy family…I DON’T WANT any John shoving in his utterly despicable and selfish presence and spoiling a much deserved proper family life for one of the most wonderful persons I have known here in mylot…
whew! That was an effort
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
17 Mar 09
You did splendidly my dear. Thank you for your comment. Even though english isn't your native language you managed to get your point across loud and clear :)
@mcdimples (24)
• United States
17 Mar 09
OK, so I'll save the comments on what an idiot you have been. I will tell you I do relate to your story because I lived it. I reommend you read a book entitled "Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susn Forward and Joan Torres. It describes the misognyistic relationship you are in. It is the bible of all abusive relationships. Read it over and over until you realize that it describes you and not him. Stop letting him have control of your life and your children, he cannot take them from you. I speak from my own expierence although my ex did not physically hurt me he destroyed me verbaly. It took years before I recovered and the impact is still with my boys whose ages are 31,29 and 28.
I hope this helps and the best of luck to you and the children.....
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
17 Mar 09
Thanks Mcdimples but I don't need to read a book. I don't need to be reminded of the relationship I was in. If you missed it....I'm married to a wonderful man now and we have been together almost 3 years. No need to relive the drama I went through with John on the pages of a book.
I'm sorry you yourself had an abusive relationship. Some men just need to be taken out and shot.
@stinge (810)
• United States
17 Mar 09
I'm laughing my black a$$ off!not because of your story or all the crap you went through, bit I'm laughong at the fact that "john has filed for legal custody of your children". Does he really think the courts would even grant him such a thing with the tpye of trouble he has been in. He probably wants custody so he can get a tax write off at the end of the year. Any judge that knows his past shouldn't even allow this case to make it to court. He actually had the nerve to file for custody? What a dumb a$$!!!
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
17 Mar 09
I'm so happy to see someone put my initial thought when I got the paperwork, into print.
Even though my @$$ is mostly Native American I think I lost 20 pounds from laughing.
@snowcat46 (2322)
• United States
17 Mar 09
He needs to have a head adjustment, delivered from a huge man using a hammer. That's what he deserves. He does not, nor will ever, deserve a part in your children's lives. They are your children, not his. I don't care whose genes they carry. The mother and father of a child are the ones who care for the children, who are there when things go wrong, who pick the child back up, who love the children.
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
17 Mar 09
Amen! I believe I have said this very same thing minus the man with a hammer in court the last time i was asked how I could let another man "pretend" to be a dad to these kids.
After this very same response, his attorney didn't have any more questions for me.
@kprofgames (3091)
• United States
17 Mar 09
I say there isn't a judge insane enough to grant this zero anything. Period. To be honest, he didn't care if he were called the father or not. Didn't show up for the paternity test so how does he feel he has a right to these children? He never claimed them before? Right?
I don't know what kind of thing he's thinking, but if this goes to court (which is doubtful) he'll have to prove he is their biological father. Stupid move on his part for all the years of back childsupport he owes + interest.
To be honest, he'll never have custody of these children. You know it and so do I. He's been in and out of their lives, has assulted you and a prison record. Big winner there.
If he wants to go through all the tests, prove that he's their father. I say then let him. Then when childsupport enforcement goes after him just tell him you'll drop all past child support and interest if he signs his legal rights away.
Sorry, you've been through it so bad, but I"m sure your a stronger woman because of it. I don't chuckle at your hardships, but did get a chuckle out of "John" thinking he had any kind of leverage here. Geeez.
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
17 Mar 09
He only claimed to be their father when it suited his purposes for something, but the minute I filed for child support he jumped up and down screaming that they weren't his and he wanted DNA testing.
I took the kids for the testing. He didn't show up for his 3 different times. In support cases when you don't show up the court automatically says you are the dad because you are obviously avoiding the testing for a reason. So John owes me arrerages since January of 2007 in the amount of $500 a month. Stupid is as stupid does.
But then he didn't show up for a custody hearing he asked for and that is how I got an order saying he had no rights or responsibilities to the kids, and also how the support order got closed...but i just got back from reopening it today. But unfortunately since that was "technically" a custody order it is able to be modified....and that is how he was able to file for a custody modification and ask for custody again.
It is funny and I have had a lot of laughs the past 2 days at Johns stupidity but then I think about what this is going to do to the kids if they are forced to see him and I just get angry all over again.
Thanks for your comment.
@dismalgrin (2604)
• United States
16 Mar 09
I know just how you feel! He doesn't deserve crap when it comes to those children. He wanted you to get an abortion with the first one, right? Sounds to me like he just wants to get money out of you. Some guys try to flip that whole 'child support' thing on the moms. They try to get custody of the children and get child support payments from the moms. It's all a sick system I think. I had a neighbor where she was so depressed that she lived with her sister for help in taking care of her children. They were doing really well together, until the children's father came around and got custody of the children because she was 'mentally unstable' now he abuses the children horribly and they just want to go home to their mom, but he threatons them and when their mom calls children's services on him for hurting the kids, he lies about how it happened and she could get in trouble for 'false reports!' Messed up.
I hope that you can get this all cleared up. I can't really give you much advice, because if I knew... well, I wouldn't be in some of the mess that I'm in too! Haha. Anyhow. I wish you the best. Keep us posted!
@cynicalandoutspoken (4725)
• United States
16 Mar 09
The devil would show up for work in ice skates before John got anything more than visitation of these kids, that much I am sure of. I've been through the whole custody/support system for the past 11 years with my oldest child, and for the past 2 years with John so none of this new to me.
Children's services were called on me so many times from people filing false reports that I think I have my own drawer in their filing cabinets.
It's really disgusting how some people operate. Thanks for your comment.
@dismalgrin (2604)
• United States
16 Mar 09
I totally understand. My children are 'owned' by the state right now. All because of lies. I know that I'm not the most perfect parent in the world... but I for dang sure didn't do what they accused me of!And their father wants custody of them too. He says that he is doing it to save them from being in the state system, but I find it rather funny that he just now decided that he wants custody of them, and before he was content to just abandon them with me while he did his own thing. For him it comes down to the dang child support again. I wasn't pushing for it because I figured, if he didn't come around, then I didn't want anything to do with him. But, with the children in the state's custody he is paying child support and he doesn't like that. He also knows that once I get the children back, he will more than likely still have to pay child support because of this mess in the first place. So, he wants the children so that I will have to pay him. But, well, tough luck, because I'm disabled and they don't take child support out of disability payments. So, he is totally barking up the wrong tree on that one!
