i cant believe it!!!! i have been duped! should i love him or leave him?
By dloveli
@dloveli (4366)
United States
March 21, 2009 7:05am CST
I dont know what to do, say, or think! For once in my life I am speechless. I guess it would help if you knew what I was talking about. Here goes.... I have been with my boyfriend for over 5 years now. We have our days, but no major issues. When we first became a couple we kind of let each other know what we expected from one another and also what we wanted for our futures. One of the issues I mentioned was that I dont want to be in another 13 year relationship as a fiance. I want to be married. I got pregnant right out of highschool. I was in a relationship with the father for 13 miserable years on and off. I took responsibility basically on my own. This is something I am very proud of. However, I never got married and thankfully so. He was a mess! After that ended I was single for a few years. I wasnt allowing myself to even date. I wanted to be with me. When I met A I knew he was the one! I am so grateful to have met him. When I told him about wanting to eventually be married he seemed in agreement. We didnt want to rush into anything. Well now its almost 6 years and everytime I ask or mention it he saids He doesnt know or tries to ignore the situation. I am devastated I love him but I cant allow myself to change my dreams. I have spent most of my life adjusting to make someone else happy. Am I wrong to not want to live together again. It seems to me something has changed or he was bull sh*tting me from the start. F*CK THAT! what do you think I should do? live with him or leave him?
18 people like this
41 responses
@savypat (20216)
• United States
21 Mar 09
Time for a sit down straight talk, but make sure you have your goals firmly in mind.
Don't let emotion rule you during the talk. Be prepared that this may end your relationship, but you will know exactly where you stand and be able to get on with your life.
@GardenGerty (160466)
• United States
21 Mar 09
Pat, you are a wise lady, I hope she listens. You said it so neatly and compactly. She needs to know what she wants, and be prepared for the consequences if he does not agree.
3 people like this
@cyberfluf (4996)
• Netherlands
23 Mar 09
This is indeed very hard, I feel sorry for you that you are in this position.
I think the problem here is communication; if he can't even tell you why he doesn't want it or goes around it, that seems like the first problem to tackle before you do anything else. I would recommend to first try and be calm so you can talk about it without emotions rushing inside you. You can never completely get this out of your system, but relaxing before you talk about these things does help.
You have a right to have your dreams and he should respect that and at least give you a reason why he has either changed his mind or was never completely open and honest about his different opinion. If there is no communication possible you are missing something very important to make this situation work.
I wish you all the best love, huggles!
2 people like this
@cyberfluf (4996)
• Netherlands
24 Mar 09
I hope that everything will work out aswell, it's a good idea to ask him to take the time to talk and think about the situation. He will have to confront not only you, but more importantly himself with his true ideas, dreams and visions. If they are to far apart you can see if you can work out any compromise, and if that's not possible, you can allways take it from there. I agree that there is no good in taking hasty or irrational actions which you might regret later on. Wishing you all the best!!
1 person likes this
@dloveli (4366)
• United States
24 Mar 09
I am trying not to get all worked up about any of this. I dont want to make matters worse. You are right there! I think that I am going to ask him to take some time out to talk. Maybe we can figure out what is the right thing for us. In most aspects he is the man of my dreams. He is stubborn but I am too!! He has taught me to stand up for myself. I think he was too good of a teacher. lol I hope it all works out. thanks dl
2 people like this
@deejean06 (1952)
• United States
23 Mar 09
Hi dloveli...If you truly want to be married then it's time to say so and stick with it. As soon as my boyfriends indicated to me that they had no intentions of ever marrying me, I ended the relationship. I married my husband two years ago and we were both on the same page from the beginning. I believe that it's time for you to stand up for what you want in your life. Good luck!
@dloveli (4366)
• United States
24 Mar 09
I think you are absolutely right girlfriend! I am going to sit him down this weekend and tell him how I feel. I want to wait until my daughter isnt home so I can talk as long as I need to. I am not going to be a sucker for any one. I show this man how much I love him everyday we're together. Lately though I feel that he is just purposely trying to argue with me just to have a reason not to ever committ further. I really see that I may have to end this. Give me strength! dl
1 person likes this
@deejean06 (1952)
• United States
24 Mar 09
Hi dloveli... I'm glad you are going to confront him. You need to be strong for yourself and your daughter. You deserve the best and shouldn't settle because he won't commit.
1 person likes this
@csrobins (1120)
• United States
23 Mar 09
Jerk. If he dates you that long he shoul dknow tha tthere are going to be expectations. He cannot keep avoiding it. If he does that is sad and very unfair to you. He shoul dbe less selfish and should have been more upfront with you from the beginning if that was his plan. I would straight up get an answer and gie him an ultimatum. I don't like giving ultimatums in relationships but he's gonna have to get the picture somehow.
2 people like this
@preppy (28)
• United Arab Emirates
23 Mar 09
My advise is you should leave him if aguy really loves you he was the one planning or thingking of your futute he is showing you a typical type of guy that has no plans of having a setling down for good... you deserve someone better that will love and respect you.... love your self... you just have to wait for the right guy a right time... have faith God will give you a special someone that deserve your love.
2 people like this
@dloveli (4366)
• United States
24 Mar 09
I hate to say this but youre absolutely correct! To be honest I thought he was a gift from god. I love him so much but I just think that if I dont stand by my convictions I am setting myself up for more heartache. THANKS FOR THE TRUTH... dl
1 person likes this
@elainepham (80)
• Australia
23 Mar 09
woa, i am a girl. i dont like the love. It seems crazy, but i have ever seen and heard many thing around love. I dont want to waste of my time for love. If you ask or hope to hear any anwer for your question, just you can. In any relationship, the critical key is responsibility from both sides. You can not do alone. If he is good guide, or at least think of your love, he can not act like it. I am free and never want to put my shoes on same situation.
Love is so luxry thing in my life and unreliable. it does not result by love, just beacause of behaviour's someone.
2 people like this
@elainepham (80)
• Australia
25 Mar 09
Yeah, i know. This is normal feeling of falling in love. You can not ensure anything that will be happen in the future. Especially, more sensitive and more risk is love. You feel worried about your love or him? If i was you, I will keep going forward. Do not loose time for worrying, instead of joying sweet time with your honey. You will know what you should do on your loved road.
Good Luck.
1 person likes this
@riyasam (16556)
• India
21 Mar 09
this is a tough situation you are in but knowing you,you will be able to overcome this problem.let your mind take over now and become stony-hearted for a while.give him an ultimatum and if his actions are in the negative,leave him.
@dloveli (4366)
• United States
24 Mar 09
I think you are correct in what you say. I have thought about counseling but you know I believe that with my luck, some how I would be made to look like an idiot. I try to work so hard at where ever I am working. I try to be a good person at all times. I am soo frustrated at the way my life has turned out. dl
1 person likes this
@gemmoney87 (211)
• Vietnam
21 Mar 09
Nowaday, men are really nuts. They sometimes want to have you or possess you but they scare to stuck into a deep relationship. If you really love him, let try to know the reason why he doesn't want to get married. Does he care about you, love you, make you be his precious. If that, why don't you try to change you mind?
Otherwise, maybe he just agreed to satisfy at the beginning.
2 people like this
@kerriannc (4279)
• Jamaica
21 Mar 09
Hey dloveli this guy agreed with you because he knows that it was the only way to come inside the relationship. It was the same thing that my ex did. I told him my goals and aspiration and he agreed with everything but after five years I found out that he is a wrecker and non ambition and I left him. I am not telling you to leave him if every other aspect of your life is o.k. and marriage is the only thing that is stalling I would encourage you to have a counselling sessions. Here you will find out what is the fear which is holding back A from getting married to you.
Us women is always willing to marry but the guys are usually cold feet if you don't want to do the counselling then have a heart to heart talk with him. Not one of forcing but letting him know that it has been five years and moving forward you will be comfortable being his wife if he is not then you want him to be honest. Don't ramp and rage because this will get you no way. Also pray and ask God if this is the guy he wants you to married. I always said I will marry to my ex but God has shown me that he was not the one for me.
So my dear don't be upset just seek guidance where this is concern.
2 people like this
@suzzy3 (8341)
•
21 Mar 09
You poor thing do what ever makes you happy not what suits anyone else,it is your life and this is not a dress rehersal you are only here once.For once do what you want to do.Stop worrying about everybody else.Give him the choice if you still love him tell him straight its either marriage or he is back to washing his own socks.Take care .xx
@pulangpluma (334)
• Philippines
21 Mar 09
Have a talk. Let him know how you feel about his reactions towards marriage. Find out what's creeping him out. If you firmly believe that getting married is what you really want then leave him if he can not marry you. I know someone who was married and got separated from her first love. She then found another and bore his child. I found out that her first separation leaved her not wanting to get married again so she and her new lover had an agreement to just stay as they are since they are both happy.
I guess this is the reverse of your case and I am not comparing your situation with her. I just wanted to let you know that it really depends on what you believe will make you happy and satisfied, as in my friend's case she is Ok without marriage even if she had a child with the new partner.
Think it through, talk to him and do what your heart(and mind) says is right. Goodluck
2 people like this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
22 Mar 09
So that's twice you have become attached to the sort opf guy who refuses to commit to you even though you have been very clear about your expectations. I'm sorry but that is really awful...you have given these guys the best years of your life and that's an incredible waste of your life. That's not love my dear. These guys are taking advantage of your good nature.
If this guy is providing everything else you need I would seriously think about changing your wants. Is it a marriage certificate you are after.? This guy ...ask him to be clear about what he wants. It was wrong of him to disregard your expectations if they didn't fit with his own but it was wrong of you not to get things cleared up before now.
If this guy won't commit you need to search yourself and your actions and behaviour and figure out why you are attracting and meeting the wrong sort of guy. You are moving into the area of 'long term' without any commitment from these guys. Are you going too quickly? Giving yourself and your love totally before you are sure about what is happening?
I think you should figure out exactly what you want from this guy. If he is not prepared to give it to you and you think it is still the right thing for you both, then leave. Good luck, I hope you find what you want...it can be very hard, I know. 
@TravisE (440)
• United States
22 Mar 09
I think it is perfectly (more than) acceptable to have your own clear requirements in a relationship. The basic choice is, is your requirement to be married stronger than your need to be with this specific person, or vice versa. If it is a bottom line for you that you must be married, and not just living with someone, then you should express that and live with the consequences.
If it's a deal breaker for you, let him know. If he breaks the deal, then that is what happens and you will simply have to adjust to that.
Good luck!
1 person likes this
@quinnkl (1667)
• United States
22 Mar 09
You need to ask him straight out if he has changed his mind about marriage. If he has, then you need to evaluate what is most important to you. Is the "piece of paper" that important to you? Do you feel that you have a good, monogomous (both of you) relationship without it? Is it something you can live without? And you have to realize that if you "force" someone into marriage they may decide sooner rather than later they don't want to be in the relationship at all. So you have to really evaluate what YOU want and is most important to you and your heart. And go from there. Good luck!
1 person likes this
@mentalward (14690)
• United States
22 Mar 09
Have you asked him why he "doesn't know" when you mention marriage? A lot of times it's simply because they are afraid of making that ultimate committment.
If he says he's afraid, ask him what his fears are. Then, discuss them, one by one. If you are willing to make a pre-nuptual agreement, he might be more inclined to get married.
If he still refuses to take that step, then he really isn't the "one", is he? The REAL "one" will not hesitate to get married since that is your ultimate goal.
Still, there are a lot of guys out there who believe in that old saying, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Maybe some time apart will force him to see the advantages of marriage.
You need to do what your heart is telling you to do. If this marriage issue is a wedge between the two of you and doesn't look like it's going to go away, I'd say it's time to move on. But, you never know... that may very well be the wake-up call he needs to see what he'll be losing if he refuses to take that next step.
Good luck! I know it's not easy but it's better to face this head-on instead of continuing to be upset or frustrated because of his attitude towards marriage.
@ancy114 (102)
• India
22 Mar 09
hi dloveli ... i dont think it 's good to stay wid him ...if he really cares for u ..for sure he'll take care for u ...moreover nowdays v cant believe guys ...they 'll have more than one relationship at a time may be tat 's the reason he dont want to marry u....
think a lot buddy t's ur life so jus listen to wat ur heart says....dont take decision widout thinking because decision once taken cannot be taken back ....all the best buddy
