Comparing children

I don't like to compare my kid with another children.Although my counsin's kids will better study or habit than my kid.I don't want to talk in front of my kid.

Yes for sure it is a wrong thing to do. First phycology lesson learned is never compare one child to another. Especially where step siblings are involved. Everyone should know this, not just phyc majors.

Growing up my mom did her best not to compare my 2 brothers, my sister and myself with each other. She treated each of us equally in all form. Now my dad saw a difference, he compared my 2 brothers differently from me and my sister, and my older brother and my baby sister differently from me and my middle brother. Now that I'm a parent with 2 kids, I don't compare my kids. I do see the difference from each other, but that's what makes them so special. It would be a odd house to live in if both of my kids acted, behaved, like each other.

Hello ChrysanTflower! That did not happen to me that much. Yes, there were times it did happen to me. But not as often as it happens to other people. Of course, I did not feel good being compared with other people. However, to some extent, it served as a challenge to me. Each child has his or her own particular skills or characteristics, so it can be tempting for parents to compare their children. Although it may seem natural to make such comparisons, they can be hard for children. Comparing children is not such a great idea if your child realizes it, or if as a parent you start to put too much pressure on him or her.

i have experienced it a lot of times already in my childhood, sometimes i get to be the better one and at other times not. i do hate it comparing me to other people even to my sisters. as a child it makes me loss my self esteem. now that i have kids of my own i dont do it to them, as i dont want them to feel like what i have felt when i was a child.

Comparison between child is not good way because either child may be the depressed. If we have two or more child then dont talk in front of them anything about any one child. Like if you say one is good and then second child may be think bad.

Though I've been compared to my sister as a child, there was nothing that I remember that was negative. It was mostly just qualities and not really 'she is better at this than the other'...the only thing that used to bug me is when we were compared after my teens about our looks. We are seven years apart and when I was in my early twenties, I was slim and she was a little on the plumper side...so people always mistook us to be around the same age. There were even comments about how she looked like the older one...which used to bug BOTH of us..lol. She didn't want to look older in her teens and I was trying to prove I was a little adult and people mistook me for a teen! I have two boys who are 6 years apart. I do compare them...but it's often about what they did (or did not do ) at a certain age. They are very different from each other in their likings and qualities and I see no point in comparing who is better than who. Both are very intelligent....albeit in different ways. The older one is intellectually smart while the younger one is more of a street smart person. I'm proud of both of them....and the comparison is usually about very general things...and I don't tell either one to be more like the other....but sometimes I use the older one as an example or an assistant to get the younger one to do things...because his brother is his hero.

It is a very very bad thing that a parent can ever do. A parent should not compare his kid with neigbours kids or with the brothers and sisters of the same kid. It is a crime. Each kid has their own interests, hobbies, and capabilities. One kid might not be good at studies, but he will be good at painting and sports or acting. A good parent should find out the real quality of kids and support and encourage them.

I believe comparing with siblings or other children is out of good intent, but likely to receive negative results. There are many positive hints, including acknowledging her or others' advantages. We had better shift position in thinking, and give face to the children.

I think that people do it because they are trying to show a good role model for you to follow. I don't think it is really meant as a put down. But I know how it feels as well as my parents did it with me and my brother. It does cause hard feelings. I also did it with my son. I would point out his sister to him, but I didn't mean it the way it comes out sounding and I have tried not to do it, even though it still happens at times. I think you just have to overlook it as it isn't meant to do harm but good. And hating someone else out of spite of what someone else said shouldn't happen either. It isn't that persons fault. It's just the way it is. But I understand what you are saying and agree with you to some extent.

This has happened to me all of my life...My mom and some of my relatives have always compared me to my sister, who seemed to reek perfection. She was the quiet, easy going, sweet girlie girl, while I was the out spoken, attention seeker, tuff tomboy, who played with worms with the neighborhood boys. Since she was the first born, It was a shock for them to see me quite different than her. And, for me, it was a hard act to follow. I often heard "Where the heck did you get her?", "Boy, she is certainly not like her sister", "What happened when she was born?" I would hear my Dad (who I adored), say "She's not like her sister, you can't compare them together." When we were teens, it wasn't any easier...the 4 year age gap between us made a world of difference - I was just entering high school when she had just graduated. The things that we did in high school, seemed quite rebellious compared to the things her age group did in school - we wore the different clothes, did different things, so that was an added problem to my mom. Later on, as parents, she never shared anything with me...she would never admit when her kids did anything wrong, and it appeared that her children were perfect as well. I didn't think any of this bothered me as a child, but as an adult, it started to take a toll on me. I resented her,hated her, but envied her at the same time. Finally, one day, I felt the need to discuss this situation with a professional,and I learned that we all take on personalities to claim our roles in life. Her role was and always has been the role of the "People Pleaser". Years later, when my sister and I had a discussion about these issues, she admitted that at one time, she used to change her personality for every different friend she had, because she wanted everyone to like her. I thought to myself then "WOW, how sad that you can never be truly yourself." And that's when I realized that she had more issues than I. I was more comfortable in my skin than she was, I was the same "me" all the time. Today, we still aren't very close; she still is closed up when it comes to her personal life, she tells me nothing...even when she planned a trip to Europe, I was the last one to know. So, to all parents out there who tend to compare their children....PLEASE DON'T. You will never know the damage you do, until years later. Certainly it is easy to do when the first born is one way, and the second born is totally opposite, but each child has wonderful qualitities that should be acknowledged. Unfortunately, one child's may not be as visible as the other, therefore it's necessary to seek them out, and praise them as well.

chrysantflower, I never like to be compared too... however, I believe that on a certain extend of comparison, it motivates one another too. All would say, it's good to give positive feedback than giving comparison.

Oooh, how I hate parents comparing their children with their friends' or relatives' children. Doing so merely makes your child miserable; it makes them feel hopeless, useless and unloved. Why do parents do that? Why do they say things like "Why can't you be like John?" and stuff like that? Do parents feel so insecure about their children? Do they not believe that their children are unique human beings?

its never a good idea comparing children not just children, comparing two different people..if you do, you are creating a gap between those person whom you are comparing especially, the one with the negative comparison..it will be a part of the memory of that person that s/he was once compared to another person by her/his parents..accept the reality, if s/he is not that good in academics for example, then, try to see other aspects where your children is excelling and appreciate them, dont try making them like someone, just accept the fact that they are like that, stop comparing them because they have their own best and worst things..nice topic..

I think some people tried, but after they saw the look on my mom's face they figured they shouldn't risk their life... she is very protective :) I was often compared to my grandfather though, we look alike and act very similar too. I think it's not good to compare kids to other people, it's a critique in a way, you are telling a child that that kid is better. There is a better way to do it. it's best to say something like "see that man? he was a bot too one day, but he was very good in school, he learned a lot, he worked hard and he achieved all these things. you can do it too, because you are smart enough, you just have to work on achieving your goals"

Hi, I think almost every child has this experience, and it's not a good experience, it's awful, when I was a child my mother compared me to other neighbors' child, that feeling is not good, seems like others are always better than you, but my mother still proud of me, I can always get good scores in exam.I hate being compared, and I think being compared can't give positive example to child.

yes. i was compared by them with my older sister.they thought i was fat and not as beautiful as she. also i like to cry all the time to borther my parents but my sister did not. so the prefer my sister more than me then. now my sister have children also that's a little boy and we are fond of him. we compared him with other's children.

Comparing is always bad. I remembered many of our relatives would brag about their children in front of our parents. Our parents would be modest about our achievements. Although they have never openly compared us, I'm sure that they would hope that we could do them proud too. Now that I am a father, we would also secretly wish that our baby is a class above the rest, alhtough we often remind ourselves that it is wrong and will add unnecessary pressure on them as they grow up. It guess it is a very fine line to draw between constantly comparing our child with others as compared to giving positive feedbacks. To me, the child must be complimented for the good things, behaviour and achievements that he has done. In such situation, I do not believe in citing another positive example. However, if there are areas that he is not good at, then giving positive example of another child would be useful. Anyway, I am a learning parent as well and one that hope not to make too many mistakes along the way.

I can honestly say yes I have. I always got compared to my older sister for everything I was considered the "wild child" as my sister was the goody goody always did everything correct. It seemed like everything I did was never good enough. You know parents sometimes dont think what harm they do in doing these things mentaly. They think they are doing something to help you whe in reality it maked you feel like dirt. Its one thing to be told stuff by a stranger and another thing being told stuff by loved ones. My opinion is this it is not positve at all. There are other ways to set an example for a child.

My parents didn't compare me with other kids but other parents compared their kids with me. Everyone hated me for that. I had the best grades in class, all the teachers liked me etc. I think it's ok to compare kids with others, because it gives kids kids motivation, but on the other hand it's bad because kids get sad and begin to think that parents don't love them and that they love those kids more than them.