Decisions...Decisions...Decisions...
By twoey68
@twoey68 (13627)
United States
July 23, 2009 10:25am CST
I was reading a discussion about living wills this morning and it brought to mind another aspect of them. If I understand the laws right, once a person is married it is up to their spouse whether they are kept on life support or not, unless the spouse is directly involved in their injuries. Parents don’t have a say in it. Now if the spouse is directly involved then the parents would be the next in line unless a living will specifies a particular person to make the decisions.
It makes me wonder how parents feel about not having a say over their kids, even if their kids are adults and married. My Mom and I were talking about this not too long ago and I told her that Hubby would know what I wanted. She looked stunned and insisted that she would have say b/c she’s my Mom. I ended up pointing out the story of the woman (Sharvo I think her name was) that was kept on life support for years and her husband wanted to pull the plug and her family fought tooth and nail to keep her on it. It was in all the news a couple years ago.
Who would you want deciding whether you lived or died? Do you think your parents would fight your spouse over the decisions? Do you trust your spouse or family to make the decision you want made?
[b]**AT PEACE WITHIN**
~~STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS~~[/b]
7 people like this
24 responses
@uicbear (1900)
• United States
24 Jul 09
I think everyone of legal age should have a living will. That way the decision is in your own hands. If something tragic happens, your family has so much to deal with. Even if you have been vocal about what you would want to happen, they might not have the ability emotionally to make that call. Your family will still have a difficult time with it, it's a difficult(and that's an understatement) situation. But atleast with the living will, they will know undeniably that this is how you wanted things.
1 person likes this
@dfinster (3528)
• United States
24 Jul 09
I think you made such a good point here. You are right, it needs to be your decision because your family and loved ones will have so many issues and emotions to deal with that it would put a tremendous amount of pressure on them if they had to make any decision about your end of life care or procedures or if they were doing the right thing.
@smartie0317 (1610)
• United States
23 Jul 09
Not married, nor have I ever been. My mother knows what I want. So, if I were to ever be married, I'd choose her instead and have it written down. Many of the men I've dated seemed to nice to pull the plug.
On a side note, the thing that bugged me about the Sharvo case is her husband left her very early on. I think after a few months or a year of being in her condition, he started taking on with one of her nurses. They had a child, or children (I forget), and eventually the nurse began to pressure him to marry her. That's the only reason why he wanted his "wife" off of life support. He didn't care about her current condition, he only cared about his.
1 person likes this
@dfinster (3528)
• United States
24 Jul 09
I have a chronic disease that has threatened me several times over the years and after I got married I drew up a living will. I had it stipulate that any end of life decisions would be made by my parents and my husband if that ever happened. I felt that was a huge decision to put on one single person in a family so I had it be a family decision so there would be no guilt on any of them. I have also stipulated exactly what I want to happen, it is my decision. My family would just carry it out. Now that I am getting divorced I will have to change the whole thing because I am not sure how I want certain things done.
@nanajanet (4436)
• United States
23 Jul 09
My entire family, including my daughter, husband, sister, brother and mother, all know my wishes and agree. I do not wish to remain on life support, if I am meant to live, God will see to it, and I wish to have my body donated for research, if it is feasible.
I do have a living will but I doubt that it would be needed, unless we all die at the same time.
1 person likes this
@scififan43 (2434)
• United States
31 Jul 09
If I was married I would want my spose to make those decitions. if not I think my I would want my mom or dad to make the decition. I think I would trust either party to make the dection for me. being in a coma I do not think I would have much chouice.
@anniefannie (1737)
• United States
10 Aug 09
both of my parents are gone now but i would fight for my kids unless they had something in writing that they wanted done and then i would follow their wishes that is what i want them to do with me
@stephcjh (38473)
• United States
24 Jul 09
I would want my husband to choose whether I would live or die. We are best friends and he knows more about my feelings. I do not think my parents would fight him over it. I trust my husband to make the right choice.
@scarlet_woman (23463)
• United States
24 Jul 09
after what i've seen with the remainder of my family fighting over deaths,i'm not sure i'd trust anyone.i think i'd try to have a legal "non-interest" third party do it.that way my wishes couldn't be contested..hopefully.
if there was no hope,i'd rather be shut off-but i just know my mother'd contest it-
and run the family into debt.
@drannhh (15219)
• United States
24 Jul 09
In truth, I do not think any of them will be left. My parents have been gone many years and my husband is quite a bit older than me. As for siblings, I was the youngest. Even most of my cousins are older. So I will have to simply not worry about it.
@nova1945 (1612)
• United States
24 Jul 09
Not a chance. I had a living will made a couple of years ago, along with a DNR, putting my daughter in charge of those descisions. My hubby believes there is always hope and he would keep me on life support forever. I do not want to live forever as a vegetable much less a burden on my family. My parents passed years ago so the decision would fall to hubby unless I designate someone else (daughter) as administrator of medical decisions.
She knows what I want and I know I can trust her.
@walijo2008 (4644)
• United States
24 Jul 09
I think that's why people should make Living Wills, I don't have one but I've been thinking about it, its just a way for you to put in writing what decisions and things you want done when your gone, and your family has to respect that no matter who they are, those are your wishes. Now if you don't have one, I think it should be up to your spouse to make the decisions, and your family should respect what he/she decides, I would think that they would know you better and know what you would have wanted. I don't think my mom would fight my husband over this, she'd trust him.
@celticeagle (168256)
• Boise, Idaho
24 Jul 09
This is what wills are all about. It verifies and states what the party wants in the event that they cannot verbalize. This is another reason that marriage is a big deal and parents have such a thing about who marries their children. And this is why certain agencies try so hard to get people to do the living will. This is also why a person needs to know who they are marrying before they do it. If I don't trust my spouse and the decisions he makes then I wouldn't marry him! And I wouldn't want my kids left with the sadness if he didn't make good decisions too.
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
24 Jul 09
I responded to the discussion you mention and it has given me food for thought. I will be making a living will for myself so that all the members of my family are fully aware of my wishes. I am quite certain that my husband would abide by my requests.
Looking at it from the parent’s point of view. If it were my daughter, sure I would like a say but I guess if she was married it would be out of my hands.
The best thing to do, I think, is for families to get together and discuss these things with each other.
@byfaithonly (10698)
• United States
24 Jul 09
Wow that's a tough one but yet not really. I don't have a spouse so that's not an issue, I would never put my Mom in the position of having to make that decision - she would be under enough stress already couldn't add to it. #2 son is one in family who best knows what I would want and the levelist head to follow through so guess I'd best get busy writing now my choice.
I do remember the situation your talking about and can't for the life of me remember her name - parents wanted to keep her alive 'in hopes' husband wanted to un-plug so he could get on with his new girlfriend if I remember right.
@jillmalitz (5131)
• United States
23 Jul 09
Here in Texas we have the "advanced directive" or living will. We can decide how we want things done. There are forms to fill out. You keep a copy and give a copy to your doctor/hospital and even a relative. Spouse doesn't control. In the matter of a child however it would be up to a parent. An adult would have the choice on his/her behalf. The problem comes in when there is no living will and the person has not made wishes known.
@littleowl (7157)
•
23 Jul 09
Hi Twoey, I am actually thinking of making a living will, and would put it for my son that if I did end up or could be put on life support then not to let it happen, both my son and daughter know exactly what I want as I have spoken to them about it and as for my family they would appreciate that they wouldn't fight against it. Also being divorced I have no partner to worry about and really don't see one in the future either...so no worries on that. In actual fact I don't think anyone should be put on life support, if there time here on earth is up then hospitals etc should just let them go...prolonging life for too long a period as well could have a detrimental effect on the person when they come around and IF they come around...hugs LoLo
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
23 Jul 09
I do have a living will& it states what i want or don't want. no spouse, no parents so it will be up tio my sons to see what i want done. T hat keeps them from having to make some hard decisions.i think everyone should have one.
@Barbietre (1438)
• United States
23 Jul 09
I trust my husband implicitly, he knows what I want and do not want.But on the other hand if I am not alert, I would not know what is going on. But my son is a close ally to me, and I know he will make sure his fathr does the right thing.
@fwidman (11514)
• United States
23 Jul 09
If a decision had to be made it would be up to Shelly. I am the only part of my family left so no parents to interfere. I doubt that my stepsons would argue with Shelly so that wouldn't be a problem.
I do not understand why a parent would demand to be in charge. Why do so many parents not let go of their children once the child has grown up and married?
