I'm Home!..um.... Again!

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For the past few months I have thought seriously about deleting my mylot account, mainly because there are so many days that go by that I just have nothing at all to say. And if you are on my friend's list, you probably have noticed that I come and go quiet a bit. I'm never here long... before I take off into another direction and yet, I always seem to come back here. I found this place a long time ago, though my profile will say 3 years, it's actually been longer than that.. I suppose I've been here about 5 years (is that possible?) I had an account THAT I CLOSED (wasn't banned) myself. And started over again. I can't seem to get far away from here, before I feel the need to come back. I guess this has became my home away from home without leaving home. The world doesn't offer us too many places to escape from what hurts us.. when we feel a little beaten up by everyone and everything around us... Sometimes I guess I just feel the need to go find a place where I know that I have friends who actually DO care if I live or die.. and honestly, keep in touch by any means possible. Not too many places hold such charm, as a feeling of going home. Finding something real in a fake place, hiding from the real world, using this place as a crutch... yeah.. I've heard all that before. And it won't be long until I hear it all again. It's OK... I think I just realized that I don't care what anyone thinks of me anymore. I was thinking today.. that I suppose "The Crutch" theory (in ways), is so true for me. When I honestly think that I can't take anymore... when I feel like I've went my last mile, 10 miles back.. and I've been hurt the worst.. I want nothing more than to come home and play with my friends. Maybe we are all a bunch of losers (as the world would see us) but I have to say.. I have been blessed with the greatest bunch of losers that a misfit (like me) has ever had. I know that without fail.. that I can PM any of you and tell you that I hurt.. or that my heart and spirit feels broken/mangled/ripped in half and thrown aside.. and in mere seconds someone is there. It's sad that the real life doesn't offer that! I was offline for a long time and only came back 5 years ago.. those were by far the worst years of my life.. and then I found this place! I remember that I wrote here for months and months before I realized that we got paid to write! lol! yeah... I'm an idiot! I felt I owed mylot for just letting me write about whatever was on my heart or mind! And sometimes I feel I owe them so much more than I could ever repay, when I look at my best friends here, that have held me up when I felt I couldn't stand another day feeling this bad. Yeah.... my crutch.. my hiding place.. my place to write.. and think and laugh and even cry.. I suppose I am what many would consider a pathetic reality jumper. My real life is a hectic place where my feelings get hurt too easily and I'm forced to smile and shake it off and go on... and sometimes it just breaks my heart to the point that I have to escape or else die. When I feel like I can't be heard and yet silently screaming the loudest.. it's almost like stumbling upon heaven when someone simply... listens. I never expected anyone to fix me or my problems.. I just wanted someone to listen. As I look through the years that I've had here and the friends that I've made.. it amazes me! We all come from such different backgrounds, religions, social standings... We have the Diva's (OK.. Dana! lol).. The Witches.. The Sweethearts..The Poets.. The Writers... The Deep Thinkers.. The Ex-druggies.. the list goes on for miles.. and yet, we get here and drop all that... and become nothing more than a real friend who is willing to listen to others explain their triumphs, defeats, victories, fears, heartbreaks, regrets, and anything and everything that touched them so profoundly that they needed to talk about it with someone who cares to listen. All the titles that we hold in real life, fades away.. and for that moment we are just people who need someone to care or a caregiver to (what the world would consider) "strangers". I can fully see why this place is my crutch! MY CRUTCH! I would have fallen down long ago without you guys. Do you ever feel like WE ARE the Breakfast Club? A long discussion.. just to say Thank you to my friends for being who you are... to me! And for always welcoming me back home, no matter how long I've been gone. I guess I feel a little beaten up tonight.. and just need a hug or a smile. Thanks for caring enough to read and for being real in a fake place.