if you love someone, does that mean u become there victim as well?
By dloveli
@dloveli (4366)
United States
August 15, 2009 7:02am CST
I am so mad I could spit! This morning my fiance and I went to get breakfast with a friend. When we got back he went to the store right around the corner(walking). I was coming in to bring the breakfast so I walked around to the front door so I walked him a little ways. As we were walking we saw a handbag lying in the street. My fiance gave it to me and told me to bring it upstairs. When he came back from the quick store run we would go thru it. When we went thru it I began to look for a phone number or address so I can reach the owner. The next thing I knew my fiance was yelling at me telling me I always have to be in charge, or look as if I am saving the day etc. I cant believe I am being yelled at for trying to do the right thing. His thing is that if we call this person and get involved they may try to blame us(him) for taking it. We didnt obviously. I just know what its like to lose something or to have something stolen from me. I tried to explain it to him and he said not to talk to him. Screw him. Why is it that because you love someone they think that they can dump on you too. I see it happen alot of times, to a lot of people. If someone has a bad day, they go home and take it out on the other. I am sure it wasnt the argument didnt really have anything to do with the lost handbag. It has to do with the fact that I didnt include him or allow him to make the decision. He feels that I dont tell him my decisions about anything until I have already made them. If my daughter asks to have a friend over and I say yes without talking to him, he gets mad. He hates having anyone over so I know he'll say no. I am not going to allow his miserableness to effect my daughter. When I was young I had sleepovers. Why shouldnt she. If she does what she supposed to do and behaved, She deserves a reward.He wants us to live under his rules. His rules are barbaric. I love him but I am not going to allow myself to become miserable like he is.Dont get me wrong he is the best guy I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. He is generous and honest with me and my children. Its when he gets in his moods he feels everyone should stop doing what their doing and pay attention to only him. He is spoiled by his mother because he was the only son. Just because he is my partner in life doesnt mean that I have to suffer his wrath. Or am I? According to my aunt you should live for your man. You should please your man. I do think that keeping your partner happy is a good idea. I dont think that if he is in a bad mood he should be able to say mean things because he can. What do you think?
9 people like this
25 responses
@fec139 (810)
• United States
19 Aug 09
I think you have to really evaluate whether you want to be married to this guy, especially if there are differences between him and your daughter. Things will not get better when you are married. If anything, he will really show his true colors and he could get a lot worse.
3 people like this
@dloveli (4366)
• United States
19 Aug 09
I definitely want to be with him. We arent yet married. In our culture any one who lives together, dedicated to one another will usually refer to each other as husband or wife. As a family, we do have a little work to do. I had a talk with my girls and asked them if they thought this was too much for them. I was surprised that they said NO. We are doing the family counseling thing. What I dont like is when he is in a mood he takes it out on me. I have been in an abusive relationship for many years and I will NEVER go back to any type of abuse. After I wrote the discussion, I sat him down and let him read it. I want this to work but I will not make any exceptions. dl
1 person likes this
@CJscott (4187)
• Portage La Prairie, Manitoba
16 Aug 09
My personal thoughts on the matter is he could use a lesson in humility, and a LOT of personal development. I used to be quite a lot like that, until I realized I didn't like the way it made the people around me feel, ever since I have been working hard at becoming less like that.
I read all sorts of books about positive thinking and personal growth, it has done wonders for me. Why not buy him one of those books, like The Secret, or The Ultimate Gift, or Happiness For Two, or some thing else that may appeal to him. Perhaps - The way of the Peaceful Warrior, that one is kinda disguised from what it truly is.
Best of luck, and remember, the best way to end an argument is to deny it the battle.
Search YouTube for "Stop it, Bob Newhart" take the lesson to heart, when he gets that way, just tell him to STOP IT, and if he doesn't walk away.
Cheers.
2 people like this
@CJscott (4187)
• Portage La Prairie, Manitoba
9 Sep 09
Yeah, well that is how I feel. Especially the stop it part. That is the hardest part though, walking away. I don't mean premenatly, I mean, just go for a walk, come back later, but if he/she starts up again, say stop it again, and if they don't leave again. They will pick it up or they don't really love you.
The other thing is, you could do very obvious personal development for yourself, and I mean like extremely obvious, so that people around you are involved even if they aren't interested, such as get the book on CD and play it like ALL the time. Put up the quotes that inspire you around the house and that kind of stuff, so it is there for folks to see and hear, they won't improve as fast as you will but it will help.
Cheers.
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
15 Aug 09
I am sorry but if your fiance is treating you this way now,
whats going to happen in marriage?are you prepared to go on
with him in these nasty moods and barbaric ruled? he is not
Apt to change.I sure would thinklong and seriously I dont
give a tinkers damn if he is good to you at other times,
darn he should be good to you all the time if he really'
loves you.he should respect your opinions about your daughter
too she is your daughter. I would take take my easyto yell
fiance And get yourselves to a marriage counselor. I have
'a sense this is not a marriage that going to be made in'heaven.
Personally I would not mArry a man who does what you just
told us, this is wife abuse eventhough you arent married to
him yet., I think maybe you could do A lot better, you deserve'
a man who respects you all the time,not just some of the time and you should not have to walk on eggshells to keep him happy,if he is that ouchy think twice about mArrying him.you mAy just be in for some unhappy years. now is the time to decide if its worth it
to have to live with someone who has these mean moods, it wouldnt be for me, I know that. I was lu cky in that my hubby wasnt ever mean but was a real sweetheart evenwhen we had spats,we made up, but he was never moody.Love should never make you miserable like that.
@littlepinoy (600)
• Philippines
17 Aug 09
NO! You shouldn't be a victim of someone you love. Relationships are like boats. The people inside them should have the same goal and destination. Each one of you should learn to synch together and have the same goal in your relationship. Do you want to be a victim? Does he want you to be a victim? Are you happy to be a victim? If not, by all means, leave if discussions won't help
2 people like this
@alottodo (3056)
• Australia
17 Aug 09
You just say he is the best guy you ever met! How can you say that? when a person is only nice when in a good mood, but will turn nasty at any time when he feels like it? I would not call this person the best guy in the world!
@RawBill1 (8531)
• Gold Coast, Australia
17 Aug 09
It sounds to me like you were doing the right thing! It reminds me of my father and how my mother and us kids always had to do what he wanted. We always had family trips that revolved around his sports, we always went where he wanted to, yet he worked six days a week for very long hours and was hardly around for the things that were important to me! He used to yell a lot if he did not get his way also!
He has mellowed these days and is a lot better. I have tried very hard not to be the same as he was with my own children. Your Fiance sounds like he is the same, he could perhaps do with some counselling, although getting him to agree to that could result in more anger! It is a tough position to be in!
2 people like this
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
15 Aug 09
well I never really had my hubby dump on me for one thing he knew better also he was one that held things in.
Ya ya do things special for your partner but also you have a life to live also.
Guess ya just let his mood change then ask him why he did that.
Also I would have done the same about the purse as I would feel like I should no worry about being blamed for it ya get it back to the person what if teh person was mugged or hurt soemwhere and ya might have to call police in.
Seems strange that a whole purse should be on the sidewalk!
2 people like this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
21 Aug 09
It seems strange that he gets in these nasty moods. I think you have balance though because you don't stand by and take it when he dishes it out. I', thinking it might work both ways other wise you wouldn't love him and he would not love you...if he's as nice to you as you say, he obviously loves you. I think you need to abide by his wishes at times though. Just as you say you cannot live under him, you can't have everything your way either...I reckon you both must get equal time in your relationship. You're a strong outspoken lady but you are good and kind and fair too.
1 person likes this
@scarlet_woman (23463)
• United States
16 Aug 09
my ex was like that.
he used to use any piddly lil thing as an excuse to start an arguement.
i no longer loved him after awhile and left.you get tired of that crap.i'll be damned if i work 2 jobs to come home and fight over how i bleached his socks
(plus HE was home all day).
as far as the purse goes..yea,a rotten person could accuse someone of stealing it in the first place(tho rare),i would just drop it anonymously at the police station and let them deal with it.
1 person likes this
@thedataminer (515)
• United States
16 Aug 09
It kind of sounds like he wanted to go through the handbag to look for money. If he didn't intend to return it to the owner then he should have left it where it was. If you 2 found money in it and you keep it you are keeping money that does not belong to you. To take a handbag off of the street just to see if there was money, credit cards or other valuables in it is in very bad character unless your intention is to turn it into the police department. The fact that you and he wanted to look through the pocket-book doesn't sound good. That might be considered criminal. So you want your kids raised by a bad character man? He also sounds asocial. Sorry.
@aerous (13434)
• Philippines
16 Aug 09
My comment is that from your words "if you love someone, does that mean u become there victim as well?"
I don't think to love is to be victim of your lovers. Love is great and have a great purpose unto us. Don't think negative concepts in your my friend. Think that love is great!
Have a great day!
1 person likes this
@BishounenNerd (373)
• United States
15 Aug 09
I can relate with you. My parents have the same exact problem, my dad won't give my mom any space and tries to control what she spends her money on. However, he goes to the casino whenever he gets tickets, so HE's able to spend whatever he wants! And he'll try to co-ordinate trips just so my mom can go out of her way to drop him off at the casino. Then my mom has this bad habit of throwing things out that she thinks is unclean and tries to hide that from my father.
My father also has a fit when my mom buys healthy food for some reason. He claims that it tastes nasty, but my mom is concerned about what is healthiest, and my dad will literally throw a fit over it! And then my mom starts raising HER voice and then they start to lock horns. Speaking of which, I think that comic describes the relationship between my parents perfectly, coincidentally.
I could go on all day about the problems these 2 have with each-other. Despite that, there are times where they get along. Still, I just keep telling myself, "I don't wanna be like that." Whenever I find my soul mate, I want to be with her forever, but I also want her to be free, too. I want her to have someone who is understanding and compassionate. I want to be that for my lover.
2 people like this
@LetranKnight25 (33121)
• Philippines
15 Aug 09
that's rude..despite of the compliments that you said about him, i think he still needs to have an Attitude adjustment, this kind of behavior shows a bit of his ego and pride..and knowing he feels insecure about being not paid attention to since he hasn't been in a mood, that's probably gonna be a problem in the future..i think he's the one with the problem, and it has to changed, it's no longer the favorite son attitute, he's a man and a husband, he is at that stage where he should let go a bit of his ego and think about your happiness all the time.but there's saying, you can't teach old dog new tricks
, it basically reminds me of DAd. @ShirleyBillingsley (1544)
• United States
15 Aug 09
When you love someone, you expect them to be your partner in life. Your companion to be there when you need them, to be there for them, when they need you. Your best friend.
You are not a rubber mat, to be walked on.
You are not a sounding board.
You are not a ball, to be kicked around.
You are not, to be hit on and yelled at.
You may have found out some things now, that could affect you, for the rest of your life. Consider wisely.
@savypat (20216)
• United States
15 Aug 09
Love is a combination of respect and trust, for this to be a good relationship it must have both of these on both sides. There are times went each of us can be childish and unrespectiful of the other and I think it is right to stand up for yourself and demand that respect. This does not need to affect your love but it does need to lead to a more thoughtful way of living together.
1 person likes this
@cyrus123 (6363)
• United States
16 Aug 09
It sounds like to me that he's the bossy one, not you. I don't blame you for wanting to do the right thing. If it were me and I found a purse like that, I probably would have gone through it, trying to find the owner's phone number, too. I've had things stolen from me and I've lost things, too, and I know how it feels. The lady who lost this purse is probably worried sick about it. She could have just dropped it or something. I hope you were able to find it's rightful owner.
Why does he think you have to tell him your decisions? He sounds like a control freak to me. If he doesn't like your decisions, I don't blame you for not wanting to tell him all the time. I've never married, myself, but I think it should be a two-way street, if you know what I mean.
I don't think people should take their feelings out on other people, myself. This is what I was taught, although I didn't always abide by it. This is not right because even though he might feel better, he's just made you feel bad.
I hope I didn't say anything bad about him. If I did, I'm sorry. I know he's your fiance and that you love him. I just hope things work out between you two. Hugs! Kathy.
@cyrus123 (6363)
• United States
16 Aug 09
I just happened to read Hatley and thedataminer's responses above and I agree with them. I think giving the purse to the police department might be a better idea. I remember I found some pictures on my property one time several years ago after a wreck happened near here. One was a picture of a young woman who looked to be in her 20s or 30s and the other was of two small children. I thought this girl might be looking for these pictures and would like to have them back. The one of her looked like a glamour portrait. Anyway, neither one of the pictures had anything written on the back of them. I don't remember who it was who told me to turn them into the police department but that's what I did. I don't know if she ever got them back or not. Kathy.
@shantha_45 (332)
• India
15 Aug 09
Hello dloveli, After going through
what you have written Ifeel that your husband has not
yet come out of his son image.Because you love him so much he also should reciprocate.Yousay that your daughter puts up a
praiseworthy behaviour. So she needs a bettter
treatment from father. If you do not mistake me, I feel
it is high time he forgets that he is a son
and starts fondling the daughter.The relation
needs a reconsideration in my idea.You need not be a victim to
the whims and fancies of one whom you love.
Sometimes you also have to put your feet down
Happy mylotting
1 person likes this
@Talravean (46)
• Malaysia
15 Aug 09
Loving someone is a two-way road.
You can't constantly be the one who considers their actions first before speaking their mind harshly. Your partner needs to be willing to do so as well. Otherwise, it's a doomed relationship.
In my opinion, if you have to fight with your partner at all, then you shouldn't be together. Loving someone means having to make great sacrifices, but you can't be the only one to do so. The other person has to as well. And if they need to be told, or asked, when you yourself would do it without hesitation, then they're not worth the time or effort.
~K~
1 person likes this
