Need Parenting Advise Please
By Bytemi
@Bytemi (1553)
United States
October 14, 2009 9:41am CST
My husband and I came into our relationship with childern from a previous marriage.
This weekend was particularly hard on the 5 year old. When my husband and I started dating my daughter (Little Bytemi) was 1 1/2 and his daughter was 7 (Tween Bytemi).
Little Bytemi can not remember life without her step-father in it and considers him to be as much her Dad as her Father.
This weekend we went to a fall festival at tween bytemi's school. When my husband introduced me to one of the other parents he said this is my wife and her daughter. It didn't even register what he had said, but it registered with Little Bytemi.
On Saturday we drove over to my fathers house to visit with my brother who was in from New York. When Mr. Bytemi introduced himself to my brothers wife, he said "Tween Bytemi is mine and Little Bytemi belongs to Bytemi". It registered that time and I thought it was odd that he was dividing our family, but I didn't say anything.
Apparently it really registered with Little Bytemi though. She regressed to about the age of 1. When she couldn't get the sissors to work she melted down. Mr. Bytemi went over to help her and she ended up throwing the sissors and then threw the worse fit of her life. I have never seen her act that way. Never!
Last night she told me that Mr. Bytemi didn't love her or want her any more. I asked her to explain and she said that he said that she belonged to me and that means he doesn't love her.
Now Mr. Bytemi has a lot of guilt surrounding his divorce (which happened two years before we met)and works very hard to make sure tween bytemi feels loved. I am sure that he was not aware of what he said or how he made little bytemi feel, but none the less he hurt her feels.
Should I proach the subject with him? Should I tell him why she melted down? How would you handle this situation?
5 responses
@MizzWilliams33 (74)
• United States
14 Oct 09
You already know the answer. Of course you need to talk to him. How else is he going to know?
1 person likes this
@MizzWilliams33 (74)
• United States
14 Oct 09
You aren't responsible for him feeling guilty...you're responsible for protecting Little Ms. Bytemi from mis-interpreted feelings that he no doubt didn't realize he conveyed to her...if he launches into a self-imposed guilt trip that's on him....but he's not gonna know there's a probelm unless you tell him. Men are dense like that sometimes. lol
1 person likes this
@epsjoice (57)
• United States
22 Mar 10
Hi Bytemi,
I agree that your husband must be told. I am somewhat concerned about why he would say what he did. I certainly don't mean to hurt your feelings in any way, but I think you need to have a heart-to-heart discussion with him about how he feels about your daughter. If he feels that she is HIS DAUGHTER, why would feel it necessary to point out that he is not the biological father. Perhaps he needs to take a good look at himself. Definitely he needs to know how hurt the child is. I have a similar situation with my daughter's step-grandmother who cares for her on a daily basis when I am at work. My daughter, as well as my husband and I, can see the difference in treatment she gives her biological grandchildren. She will also occasionally refer to her as Pat's (my husband's father) grandchild. This is very hurtful for a child and they pickup on these things instantly. Best of wishes to you. I would just be direct with your husband, but get him to put himself in her place. He needs to go back to Little Bytemi and apologize and straighten this out.
@dlr297 (5409)
• United States
14 Oct 09
Yes you should speak to your husband. their is no reason for doing what he is doing. My daughter married a man that had one child from a previous marriage, and they have had 3 since they got married. and all four children call me gramma, and i treat them all the same, and if i introduce them to some one they are simple my grand children.
Even though your husband is not her natural father does not mean that he is not in the roll of being her father. and he should not separate the family like he is. Your daughter should be lucky enough to have 2 dads that love her.
1 person likes this
@Bytemi (1553)
• United States
14 Oct 09
Yes, I agree, she is a very lucky little girl she does have two dads that love her very much and I am sure that he didn't even realize that he had said it. But it still hurt her feelings, I am just not sure how to bring it up to him without putting him on the defense.
@bird123 (10643)
• United States
15 Oct 09
Communication is key in any family. Talk to him then he should talk to the kids. After, maybe even a big family meeting. Have a special meal with everone's favorite foods. Communicate openly. Make sure they all feel special and loved. After that, you and your husband might schedule some one on one time with each child. Make them feel special. Sometimes all it takes is a little time and love.
1 person likes this
@olepmis (840)
• Philippines
14 Oct 09
Children needs more attention when growing up. They are wise and very attentive in everything you say or do, taking notes of what you have said. Once you made a promise, they will not forget it and will require you to fulfill what you have promised. For a child to hear that she was your own daughter and not his, it is a disappointment to her thinking that she was not his child. What would you expect to a child reaction, tantrums? Please talk to your husband to be careful in his words especially to your child and be aware what will be the implications on the child's mind.
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