Is it time to trust him again?
By 77klove
@77klove (109)
United States
November 28, 2009 5:15pm CST
i have been with this guy for two years now...we are engaged and i love him more then words can say...but i need help...for about a year and 5 months of the relationship i found out he was cheating..not in person to my knowledge but online...he would make secret profiles to talk to girls..and this one girl whos name i will not mention was his favorite..he would ignore my calls to talk to her ( at the time i didnt know) and he was writing messages to her online saying things like..i cant wait to be in your arms..i love you...dont tell my girlfriend lol...now keep in mind they live on opposite sides of the usa..well after i saw those messages i was hurt..then he called her and told her that he loved me and they had to stop talking..well a few weeks later it happended again..same girl...so then we fought and ect..well he told her again they couldnt talk...well a month later again the same thing..its happend 3 or four times...but the last time it happend was like 8 months ago and to my knowledge they havent spoken since...but besides that girl i also found out he was talking to his ex..and saying things like we should meet up go out and maybe mess around..he talked to her twice..again this was more then 8 months ago and to my knowledge they are not talking..keep in mind me and my fiance live two hours away from eachother..we see eachother 3 times a month if lucky (he stays weekends)..and lately he has treated me better and comes up more to see me..and takes me shopping and makes me laugh...like a normal couple..everything is great now..but thoughts still linger in my head..is he fooling around online again? is he talking to his ex? are there more secret online profiles?..should i just accept the fact he has changed trust him and relax..or should i still be worried and not trust him?
7 people like this
16 responses
@Stevensitu (217)
• United States
29 Nov 09
Hi 77klove,
Im a guy and I would say no. Engaged for two years and hes been cheating on yoou for 1 year and 5 months? Thats 3/4's of the time you both were married. Dump him, hes not the guy for you. If he truly loved you, then why would he cheat on you? Thats my opinion but I would follow my heart if I were you and not let other ppl on mylot decide for you.
It really depends on how old you are and wat type of personality you have. Maybe you should ask him whats wrong with the way he looks at you.. Maybe you're not fun or something. Consider "what am I doing wrong?" before takin it out on him. Thank you for this discussion and good luck with your situation. Hope it turns out well. =)
@77klove (109)
• United States
29 Nov 09
the cheating ONLINE did not last 1 year and 5 months, it only lasted if most 2 or 3 months and it was on and off situation. Most of the two years were fine besides those few months of struggle. He claims to have realized his mistakes and he does not deny it at all. He will live up to his words as he told me that those were only experiences and that now he knows what the consequences are...he's not just some regular guy that we women see all the time here in this country. He is from another country, different culture (stricter) and he told me that yes he f*cked up and admits it but to him from what he said, it was all EXPERIENCE to see how far it would go ONLINE. He said that he knew it would have never gone that far because sometime later I would have caught him and comfront him like I did so it did not last a year and couple months at all...
@kareng (59206)
• United States
28 Nov 09
I would have to say go with your gut instinct. Only you can make this decision and it involves the rest of your life if you are engaged. Stop and think of how you would feel if this happens after you are married. Or you find out if he has been seeing one of them behind your back. Can you handle that?
@RyanneD (186)
• United States
29 Nov 09
Hey guys,
Okay, I agree 110% with RobsWife. I do consider what he's been doing as cheating, and I feel that if you've given him chance after chance after chance and he's still doing it then, unfortunately, chances are he'll never stop. As far as "handling it", I don't think you should have to "handle it"! I think it's rediculous! You don't deserve someone who's going to lie to you and not respect you. No one deserves that. I'm like you in terms of being a "sofy" and forgiving people easily, but if you're not careful (and I know from experience) that "softness" can make you a doormat, and that's not something you want to become. I just think you really need to sit back and assess your situation. You're engaged to be married to this man and in my book marriage is forever. He's already broken your trust and that's something that HAS TO BE FUNCTIONAL if a relationship is going to survive. You HAVE to be able to trust the person; no exceptions! Good luck, and I hope everything works out for you.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
29 Nov 09
I would not trust this guy at all! You have given him so many chances and still he keeps repeating the same crimes. I don't see how you could ever have complete trust that this would not happen again and again. How could you? I mean he has been doing this for most of your relationship. Sounds to me as if you are far more into him than he is into you. If it were me, I'd have dropped this guy a long time ago.
@chulce (1537)
• United States
29 Nov 09
You are getting a lot of great advice and I for one have to agree with most of those responding. You need to go with your instinct on this one, get out while you can. This guy just wants to "have his cake and eat it too." He is not ready to commit to just one woman, he seems to be a player and even though he is in a relationship, he doesn't have enough respect for you to treat you right.
If you look at the open relationships, there has to be equal trust. Both have an understanding of what the other wants and needs. If you both agree to "Play" then there shouldn't be any jealousy issues. However, given that you are not, then he should be only committed to you!
Get out while you can. It is best not to set a date with this guy. He isn't ready for a relationship. Make sure you communicate to him, that he isn't ready and obviously not with you. Let him know that he doesn't have any respect for you. Let him know how you feel.
@neelianoscet (9615)
• Philippines
29 Nov 09
well, it say a woman instinct could vibrate if her partner doing something fishy. although, your partner already confess to you that he actually forget those girls and you accept him. then it is time for you to live with the current expectation and no need to bring up the past as it may only endanger your happy moments. though, it is still good to make a lot of precaution and leave some doubts it is better to remain on guard than being cheated. Though, trust is very important and so is to respect.
@free_man (7330)
• United States
28 Nov 09
Hello Love and welcome to my lot. I have been around for sometime and this sounds to me like this man will never change. Sorry but I would move on and find someone that didn't have to talk to other women that way. Once a cheater always a cheater. Something they have and you don't have. Don't want to be sarcastic but this guy is looking for someone to lay with. He is looking for a freebie is the way it sounds. When your not with him do you know what he is doing? Not really! Your a special person there is someone out there that is looking for someone just as special like you. Good luck Love!
@free_man (7330)
• United States
29 Nov 09
Hello Love sorry to say these things but I want you to have better in your life. You deserve the best and this one isn't the best one for you. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings but I think you could do better then this looser. If he can't make a commitment to anyone else how can he make that commitment to you?. Your special don't let this go to waste on someone who don't really want what you want! Your welcome.
@Stiletto (4579)
•
29 Nov 09
Personally I would never trust him again. I'm afraid it doesn't sound like he's taking your relationship seriously. Let's face it, you've been together two years and for most of that time he's been fooling around with other women. Fair enough it maybe was just online (although I wouldn't be totally convinced about that if I were you) but it was done behind your back therefore it's still cheating.
I would strongly advise you not to continue with your relationship, or at the very least don't get married! As someone else has already said, you will be bringing a world of hurt on yourself if you do. He's a player - he won't change. There are better men out there.
@Debs_place (10520)
• United States
28 Nov 09
This guy sounds like a repeat offender and having been married to one..I would say just give him time and he will do it again. Just because you have not caught him does not mean he is not doing it.
Please be careful and VERY sure before you marry this guy.
@scarlet_woman (23463)
• United States
29 Nov 09
i personally would kick him to the curb.
people like that usually only get worse after marriage when they think they've "got" you.
but it's your call.
@michaeldadona (5684)
• Malaysia
28 Nov 09
hahaha! I just laughing on reading your story about your lovely 'funny' man. OK let me tell you what! A girl needs many reasons to cheat a man but a man just needs another girl to cheat. So, I think you better leg off from him because he is just a people and not a human. As prevention is much better than cure.
@ladym33 (10979)
• United States
29 Nov 09
That is a pretty hard one. I honestly don't think that I would still be with him if I were you. Like someone else said he is a repeat offender, and he has plenty of time to chat with other girls on line. Why would he do that if he truly meant to make the engagement to you in to a marriage. He is not cheating physically but cheating of the heart and mind can be more powerful. I fear he may be getting his heart and mind filled by this girl and getting his physical needs met by you or at least that may have been the case before. I don't think that is fair to you. He may have stopped doing it and he may not of there really is no way to know for sure. But I would have been out of that relationship a long time ago if it were me.
@77klove (109)
• United States
29 Nov 09
i think your right to a point..i think at one time i was used by him psychically while he loved her emotionally..but id also like to believe that she is gone for good this time and all of it is in the past.. i told him...i said this is your last chance..next time you screw up im gone...
@baretrees (46)
• Canada
29 Nov 09
beause of similiar circumstances and the fact i do not trust men any more ...RUN...RUN as far as you can and don't look back....sorry thats all i can say..
@kashers (649)
• Jamaica
29 Nov 09
hello i am a man i don't fool around whether online or offline he is a player prepare yourself for a badly broken heart or prepare yourself,to leave him u need to do something,if this man really cares about whats happening with you both,then no other woman should be involved unless its a friend of his that is a friend of you also,he is playing you,he is not ready for a real relationship,i know this i used to play alot but since i realized how hurt a woman can be it really hurts me too to see her hurt like that so i don't fool around no more with the trust and heart of the one that trusts,me just the same,he is not ready,the choice is yours'if u wanna stay anf fight for him,is he that worth it,listen other men are there that know what commitment means,find that one.
@madteaparty (2748)
• Japan
29 Nov 09
He doesn't sound very reliable judging by what you tell. Maybe that internet stuff is just a way of entertainment and he just finds it funny, but you should be careful that he won't take that to practice in real life.
I think you should leave things clear regarding this stuff, as anyone's feelings would be hurt if the boyfriend does online cheating.
