Can you say NO without feeling guilty?
@MagicalBubbles (5103)
Canada
February 3, 2010 1:35pm CST
I used to always say yes to just about anything. Helping someone move, wallpaper, paint, cook, babysit, whatever it was, if I was asked, Id say yeah ok.
Lately, I found out that when I ask people for help and it happened ONCE....Ive never asked anyone to help me move or paint or do anything but 3 weeks ago, I needed help with a letter I wrote in French (grammar) and asked a friend of mine (Ive helped her A LOT) to give me a hand since she only speaks French and she said she didnt have time, that NO she couldnt help me. We could have done it over the phone, it would have taken 5 mins at the most.
I was taken aback to say the least and lucky I was on the phone because I felt my face turn red. She then proceeded to talk about something else as if nothing happened. I cut the conversation short. I felt let down. Ive helped her SO many times.
After this incident, my niece asked me to help her paint her kitchen. She's at a 3 hrs drive from me, it would have been a real problem as I would have had to bring my dog with me and I had so much to do at my home, so I said no, sorry I cant. She didnt seem to mind at all. She already had 5 people going over to help and thought she'd ask me. I felt guilty when I said no but after she said that she already had people coming over to help her.....I knew I would have gone there for nothing.
Do you feel guilty when you say no or do you feel its best to be honest?
4 people like this
21 responses
@srganesh (6340)
• India
4 Feb 10
We can't and shouldn't say yes anytime and everywhere.We should have our own choice and others need not take us for granted.Saying no is an art,one should learn.But that doesn't mean to say no all the time.Just learn to balance yourself and don't grow expectations that they would return the same.So,say yes when you can and no when you can't.
2 people like this
@MagicalBubbles (5103)
• Canada
4 Feb 10
Hello Srganesh,
Yes I think you hit it right on the nail. Its not a question of saying no all the time or yes all the time. You're right when you say that saying no is an art and I have some learning to do. Maybe you could share some of your secrets on the art of saying no with some of us then? I know Id love to learn. Thanks for taking the time to reply.
@shan0822 (433)
• United States
3 Feb 10
I think you can say no sometimes. You can not do everything. But your friends is kind mean, since she shpean french, it just take here several minutes to help you. This is something she can do, and will help you a lot. But like your niece, yur can totally say no, she already asked 5 people to help, so one less will not hurt, and if you come with your dog will mess it up.
Sometimes just do what you can, if you can't just say no.
1 person likes this
@MagicalBubbles (5103)
• Canada
3 Feb 10
Hi Shan,
Thanks for your answer. Yes I was very taken aback by my friend's refusal to help me. It was really uncalled for. Im still not quite over it but I'll survive. I know its best to say no when we dont have the time but its not always easy to not feel guilty about it.
@shan0822 (433)
• United States
3 Feb 10
I think sometimes you help people too much, they will just depend on you! I think everyone should depend on themselves. I neve ask help just easily. Once I ask my friend to lend me $40, its for another friends' wedding, it kind tradtion in china even if you can not attend your friends' wedding,you should give them money, at that time I still in school, and the atm is kind broken, I just ask my best friend to help me she said no(she already worked for several years, and the money was really small), and I promise I will transfer back to her if the ATM in the school fixed. Our college is outcity, and it take more than 40 minutes bus to city to found another ATM, and I kind have class in that day. I ask another friend to help out. But it kind really break my heart.
1 person likes this
@MagicalBubbles (5103)
• Canada
3 Feb 10
Im really sorry that your friend wouldnt lend you money. But happy you managed to have the money from another true friend.
You're right, some people will abuse asking for help all the time, not able to do the least of things alone. I can only pride myself for not being that way at all. Ive nearly broke my back for moving my furniture alone with my husband. Everybody knew we were moving and nobody came to help. We didnt ask and still today, I wouldnt ask anyone for help.
Im proud to say that I can do my stuff on my own. Makes me feel good also.
@MagicalBubbles (5103)
• Canada
4 Feb 10
Hi Sid,
Thanks for telling me. Well this is exactly what id like to achieve also. Be able to say NO when I cant and say yes whenever I can and it wont prevent me from doing things i have to do.
@jcj_111776 (3216)
• Philippines
4 Feb 10
The guilt is always there whenever I have to turn down someone. But as what my mother tells me, it's better to be honest rather than to disappoint that person later because I couldn't keep up to what I have promised. But most importantly, saying NO is way preferable rather saying YES but with a heavy heart.
When I was younger, I did the same thing. Because my goal was to please those people around me, I basically said YES most of the time. But as time went on, and I have matured, I realized that I can only do so much.
@jcj_111776 (3216)
• Philippines
4 Feb 10
My mother keeps reminding me at times especially when she sees how I struggle with my decisions. And that she also tells me that it's alright to say No sometimes because there are people who will understand even if I have to turn them down.
@MagicalBubbles (5103)
• Canada
4 Feb 10
Hello Jcj,
Thank you for sharing what your mom says, she's right. Mothers are always right, arent they? Yes I know its best to say no than help the person and not have your heart into it. I guess I need to mature some more than lol.
1 person likes this
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
3 Feb 10
Firstly, let me say that I feel sorry for you in that your friend didn't help you with the letter in French. How mean of her! It is upsetting when you help people many times but they don't bother in return. Not many people ask me for help as I'm not that kinda gal but my husband will drop everything for his parents, whether it's justified or not.
1 person likes this
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
4 Feb 10
What I meant was, if they want anything...or even if HE wants something, his parents are the ones he runs to. Because I have no money, obviously he won't come to me for help and that hurts sometimes.
@MagicalBubbles (5103)
• Canada
3 Feb 10
Hello Janey, Thanks for the support. I bet it makes you angry at times if your husband drops everything and runs to his parents. Im afraid, Id be guilty of the same but my husband never said anything as we had to run off to his dad more than once also for silly things. Its not easy trying to please everyone, is it? I envy you not having people ask you stuff. What kinda gal are you then? I need to be more like you hehe!
@pracheers (5)
• India
4 Feb 10
I can't say No to people even when I have to go out of my way to help them, it has happened several several times but when you ask them for something and you get a NO then it hurts. It has happened so many times that I help people and when i need them they simply say a NO. Earlier i used to get hurt but then i stopped expecting. I sometimes say No to people when its realy hard for me to say YES but usually I agree. The best thing i've learnt over the years is that never expect a return for your goodness. I do help people only because i love to help people and not for give and take. U won't feel hurt when u stop expecting. Try it..u'll be happy.
1 person likes this
@MagicalBubbles (5103)
• Canada
4 Feb 10
Hello Pracheers,
You're right, I was expecting my friend to help me. But not because I helped her so many times. I guess I thought she would because we're friends. Friends help each other but I'll put into action what you just said and NEVER expect help from anyone so that way I wont get hurt. Thanks for the tip.
@lingli_78 (12822)
• Australia
4 Feb 10
i sed to be a 'yes' person and always try my best to help everybody as much as i can to my own expense... but i find out as i grow older that people tend to make use of your generosity if you have this kind of attitude and you are the one who will be at a disadvantage... so slowly, i learn how to say no to people and i am getting better at it now... i don't feel that guilty anymore if i have to say no to people now... take care and have a nice day...
1 person likes this
@MagicalBubbles (5103)
• Canada
4 Feb 10
Hello Lingli,
Haha, I like that way of thinking. I do believe that eventually I'll be able to say no and like you, feel much better for it and with them a nice day. This is too funny. Now i'll think of you next time I say no and wish them a nice day. Thanks for this. I'll remember it.
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
4 Feb 10
You have learnt yor lesson pretty fast magical bubble [assuming you are very young].I am a person who finds it difficutl to say "no".Now I am also learning this that people never have any such hesitations and would help us only when they do not have the slightest trouble in it or can take some advantage over this.My experiences have embittered me to this extent.I never can ask anyone for any help but even otherwise I have had some bad experiences with some close people who were quite callous about heartfelt help rendered.
1 person likes this
@MagicalBubbles (5103)
• Canada
4 Feb 10
Hello Kalav,
Im so sorry you had bad experiences with people you've helped. Some people can be so selfish, not appreciate that we go our of our way to help them and then they just shove us aside when they dont need us anymore and yet we still feel guilty the next time they ask and we say no. Thanks for sharing with me.
@dreamnishu (1247)
• China
4 Feb 10
When i say no then i don't feel guilty. But i feel shy sometime when i say no to other. I really feel so shy. I don't know why.
But yes sometime i also feel so guilty when i fall in your condition. But i always be ready to help other person. I love to help people.
@MagicalBubbles (5103)
• Canada
4 Feb 10
Hi dreamnishu,
I bet you also blush when you say no if you're shy. It happens to me also. I know I turn beet red. I did when I was told no by my friend. I also try to help others as much as I can. But sometimes its just impossible for me. I guess theres no right way to say no and not feel bad. Thanks for your input.
@deenaly (162)
• Malaysia
4 Feb 10
I used to say yes to almost every request. But I no longer do that.
In my opinion, it depends on the kind of help people ask from me. If the request disrupts a work I' doing, I'll say no without feeling any guilt. It's hard for me to say no if the person asking is the person I'm fond of. If I'm not very fond of the person, I'll say yes for the condition stated in the beginning.
I have a feeling that those asking for my help really need it, and so I'll consider the requests. I'll say no if the request is unreasonably tough to do it myself.
1 person likes this
@MagicalBubbles (5103)
• Canada
4 Feb 10
Hello Deenaly,
I totally agree that sometimes the requests DO disrupt our lives. This is precisely the time Id want to say NO I cant, I have other things to do and not feel guilty because I know that what I need to do is just as important as what they have to do also. Im not talking about someone being stuck on the road somewhere with a flat tire needing help or a lift back. Id drop everything and go help them. Im talking about those who want you to drive over to help them move a piece of furniture from the living room to the bedroom and dont care if you were washing your hair...wrap a towel around your head and come help me. Those are the times when I now say NO. You're right, its time to consider the requests and take that into consideration. Thanks for your answer.
@majure112581 (57)
• Philippines
4 Feb 10
Yes, you should sometimes try to say "no" if you don't. You're not a superwoman right? because there's always a reason behind. She would know or understand your excuses though you're willing to help.
1 person likes this
@MagicalBubbles (5103)
• Canada
4 Feb 10
Hi Majure,
Yes people should understand when we have to say no for good reasons. Some only see theirselves and are completely blind to whats going on around them. Thank you for sharing with me.
@dasj20 (127)
• India
4 Feb 10
hi
now a days everyone busy in their personal life so they so NO ........
but free people also say NO, this is wrong method
if i am free then always help to everyone,otherwise say No to everyone without guilty
this is correct,because the time is not waste to me and others who asked the help.
1 person likes this
@MagicalBubbles (5103)
• Canada
4 Feb 10
Hello Dasj,
I didnt mean to say no when I can help someone and have nothing else to do. Im saying no when I really cant do it, that id have to change my plans or be late in things I have to do. But I still feel guilty nonetheless. Your way of thinking is good though. Its fair and a great way to look at it.
Thank you for sharing.
@tanchyka (213)
• Slovenia
4 Feb 10
I can't say no without feeling guilty and I think I never will be able to do that. But after always saying yes and having a hard time about it, I read a book about saying no and not feeling guilty about it...so I started saying no to everything I wasn't comfortable with. I still feel guilty but people say no to me all the time, I don't know why I should be an exception. Whenever I say no, I'm always thinking about the consequences of not doing that thing and I think too much about that. I'll have to learn to just forget things.
@MagicalBubbles (5103)
• Canada
4 Feb 10
Hello Tanchyka,
I havent read any books about it. I just know that sometimes I just cant help everybody. Im but one person with things to do and responsibility of my own. At times I truly believe that people making demands on us are downright rude!! Thank you for your answer and I know how you feel. Cant get rid of the guilt, can we?
@Rhazelle (356)
• Canada
4 Feb 10
I would feel guilty if I said no to something because I just didn't want to help, but if I was actually busy then there's nothing I can do =/
It usually depends on who I'm saying it to though. Like if it was someone who helped me out a lot I would totally say yes to help them. It's just fair.
@MagicalBubbles (5103)
• Canada
4 Feb 10
Hello Rhazelle,
Yes I agree with you, if it was someone who helped me a lot, I wouldnt mind at all helping them. But that hasnt happened to me at all. I needed help only once and I was told "NO" in no uncertain terms. It felt like a slap on my face. But I agree with you that if you're being helped, its only fair you return the favor.
Thanks for replying.
@GardenGerty (160883)
• United States
3 Feb 10
Like you, I feel guilty when I say no.
I think your niece was very nice to say that it was okay, when you did say no. Maybe she wanted you to come kind of as a social thing. She sounds like she likes having you around.
I think your French friend may be surprised when you say no, next time. I think I am like you, that I tend to not ask for help but I try to be Superman and save the world. I will say to you, so that I can hear it, "It is okay to say "no""
I think your niece was very nice to say that it was okay, when you did say no. Maybe she wanted you to come kind of as a social thing. She sounds like she likes having you around. I think your French friend may be surprised when you say no, next time. I think I am like you, that I tend to not ask for help but I try to be Superman and save the world. I will say to you, so that I can hear it, "It is okay to say "no""@MagicalBubbles (5103)
• Canada
3 Feb 10
Hi GardenGerty,
Haha, you had me laughing when you said you have to say it outloud so you can hear yourself saying it "its ok to say no" !! I know exactly what you mean. My niece has 2 kids but she's a big baby. To her painting is like having a party, the more people, the merrier. I know I wasnt missed at all. She had so many of her friends over that they painted the whole place in one day. I wish there was a way to say no and not feel so bad about it. Thanks GardenGerty!!
@MrKennedy (1978)
•
3 Feb 10
I used to be a "yes man" as it were, because I would always feel too guilty saying no to anything
However, as I got older, I began to say no more frequently because I realised I was saying yes to any old rubbish
However, as I got older, I began to say no more frequently because I realised I was saying yes to any old rubbish1 person likes this
@MagicalBubbles (5103)
• Canada
3 Feb 10
Hello MrKennedy,
Maybe thats why Im starting to think about saying NO more often. Maybe age has something to do with it and how we feel about being a yes person or a no person or a maybe person haha. Oh yes, Ive said yes to some pretty old rubbish myself. You might have the answer to that ......we're wiser and therefore able to say no. Pretty interesting answer....I like !!
@alilin28 (1527)
• Uruguay
3 Feb 10
i think that all has a top or a limit. sometimes we didnt say No and then we feels shamed, but i think that its the same saying Yes, because if u said Yes all the time, people would take you like a toy, and would walk up to u. the last 2 weeks, a friend invited me to go to her to a touric city, we have had a lot of problems because she wanted to do all her wanted, (perhaps she felt with power to do it because she invited me),, well the story its so long, (if you want to know what is about, check my discussion),, the important thing is that we dont feel shamed to say no or yes, because this affects our lives.
have a nice day..
1 person likes this
@MagicalBubbles (5103)
• Canada
3 Feb 10
hello Alilin,
Im sorry about your trip. It wasnt a pleasant experience for you and yes it makes sense what you say. People think they OWN us if we always say yes, they take us for granted, I can see that now and maybe now I wont feel as guilty when I wont be able to help someone. Thanks for your reply and your link.
@kaylachan (71534)
• Daytona Beach, Florida
3 Feb 10
It depends on what's going on and what the situation is. Quite often i've had to say 'no' and not felt bad about it, but other times. I've said 'no' and had a lot of gulit about it. Then there are times I should have said 'no', when I could have said 'yes' and the other way around. So I can't give examples, but eh... that's because it doesn't happen enough to remember any really.
1 person likes this
@MagicalBubbles (5103)
• Canada
3 Feb 10
Hi Kaylachan,
I think I get what you say. Ive had a few like that but my niece was the first Ive ever said no to. I dont really feel guilty anymore about it. I think whats important is that you stay true to yourself. If you can help and you feel like it, then you say yes, if you dont or its nearly impossible then you say no and hope the person wont be angry with you.
Thanks for taking the time to reply.
@laura_lmaxi (678)
• United States
4 Feb 10
I do feel very guilty when I have to say no also, and I have experience the same thing you do over and over again, I helped everybody and when I need help (which is not very often, because I am an extremely independent person) then no one have time, and funny thing is that they give me all kind of justifications and i believe them, and when I have to say no, I feel like the worst person ever, I really hate to feel that way, but my mother always say that you can't please everybody and you need time for yourself.
1 person likes this
@MagicalBubbles (5103)
• Canada
4 Feb 10
Hello Laura,
I like what your mother says. She's right, we cant please everyone and we need to learn to say no and not feel guilty about it. Why is it that everybody who says they're independant, never need help much always get a no when we ask for help. Seems really unfair to me. It helps me not feel so guilty anymore also.
Thanks for sharing what your mother says with me.
@blummus (451)
• United States
3 Feb 10
I do believe honesty is important, as well as honoring yourself and your own needs when someone asks you to do something. Travelling three hours each way to help someone to paint is not reasonable in and of itself, though it sounds as if she might be planning to make a party of the occasion (at least I hope so!).
I don't usually feel guilty when I say no. Sometimes it's something I just can't do, and sometimes it's something minor for the other person that means a lot of work for me. If it's something really important and I can't help, I do feel bad and ashamed of myself for letting them down. On the other hand, I won't make homemade truffles for someone who doesn't care much about chocolate; that doesn't bother me in the least.
Does that make sense to you?
@MagicalBubbles (5103)
• Canada
3 Feb 10
Hello Blummus,
You're right you know. Its best to honor oneself and one's needs instead of do the impossible at times.
Yes she did have a huge party after. Had to repaint a few walls too.
Well you could make me truffles anytime.......I LUV chocolate haha!!
Yes it does make sense. It puts everything in perspective now. Thanks for your answswer.
