Do You Ever Feel Like You Can Be There For Everyone Else, But Not For You?
By Opal26
@Opal26 (17679)
United States
February 3, 2010 5:46pm CST
Hey, Opal here! Have you ever felt like you can be there for your
friends and help them with their problems, but you just can't
help yourself? My friends know that they can come to me for just
about anything and I'm here for them always! But, for the life
of me I can't even get my own life togther! My girlfriend/neighbor
just left my house feeling depressed and I tried to cheer her up.
But, I can't even cheer myself up! So, how am I supposed to be
there for my friends and let them count on me when I can't even
count on myself? Do you give more to your friends then to yourself?
Do you put others before you? Please, I need to know!
12 people like this
63 responses
@AmbiePam (92711)
• United States
3 Feb 10
Oh yes, I can relate. I used to be like that with my friends all the time. All the time. But over the years as I've gotten sick, friends have dwindled. so there really hasn't been much occasion for that to happen! 
But it is still like that with some of my family. Like my sister.
But it is still like that with some of my family. Like my sister.3 people like this
@GardenGerty (160663)
• United States
4 Feb 10
Ambie, I am too old to be your sister, but I can be your aunt.
@drannhh (15219)
• United States
4 Feb 10
I can only try to sympathize because no I do not have that problem. I do things for other people when I can, and often find myself sharing more than keeping if you know what I mean, but there are some lines I will not cross, and some people (especially those people who like to take advantage of the kindness of others) might say that is selfish. But when it comes to happiness, I put myself first. I eat right, exercise, get enough rest, and wake up happy. Things happen, and one cannot go around being rah-rah all of the time, but I consider negative feelings self-destructive and unhealthy, so I tell them to go away. If they don't go away the first time, I tell them again. Sometimes it takes a change of scenery to get them to go completely away, So then I go for a walk or ride my bike or something that gets the endorphins going.
Speaking of endorphins, here is a cute article about them. It is on a men's page, but where endorphins are concerned, what is good for the gander is also good for the goose, lol.
http://www.mens-total-fitness.com/endorphins.html
When it is too cold or too late to go outside and I need endorphins, I jump up and down on my mini-trampoline. I do that if I am writing a sentence and cannot figure out how to end it properly as well, too.
Some people have furniture in their living rooms, but in the corner where most of my acquaintances would put a big easy chair, I have the trampoline. I do not have time to waste sitting in an easy chair. Life is too precious. I wish I could cheer you up, but to be honest, that is something each of us has to do on our own. You will find happiness within yourself. I can tell you are a wonderful and wise person. But for some reason I think that is not who you see when you look in the mirror. Maybe you just need a new mirror ;-)
2 people like this
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
4 Feb 10
Hi drannhh! You are such a wise woman and quite perseptive!
Maybe that is my problem! I tend always give more than I get
and I guess that's because it gives me more in the long run.
But, when it comes to myself I just seem to get stuck! I think
you have hit the nail on the head! And you are definitely right,
I do need a new mirror!
1 person likes this
@p1kef1sh (45681)
•
4 Feb 10
It's like the old adage "Give a man a fish and he eats today. Teach him to fish and he eats tomorrow and ever after too". But you have to know how to fish first. I cannot help someone else if I'm in a poor state myself. So there have to be times when I look to myself first. Now then Opal. Pull up a chair, share some hot chocolate with me and tell me what the problem is XX
2 people like this
@Hatley (163776)
• Garden Grove, California
3 Feb 10
hi opal i am a diabetic and while I love to help my friends, I must heed my own body.yesterday I did not, and got downstairs,felt really weird so checke my blood glucose. 66,and I started shaking really hard so found my way to the nurse immediately who got me a glass of orange juice at once.In a few minutes I was okay but I had to cut off my talk with a friend as otherwise I would have passed out and she would not have known what to do.So I often have to think of me first then go on with other people.few people have a clue as to what to do for a person with low blood sugar,. very few.so we must help ourselves.
3 people like this
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
4 Feb 10
Hi Hatley~ I have a friend with diabetes and have had family
members with it so I do understand completely! You definitely
have to think of YOU first always! Only you know what is best
for YOU! I'm just really glad that you are ok! Just make sure
to take care of yourself and never mind anyone else! Hugs, Opal
1 person likes this
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
4 Feb 10
Hey Sweet Leslie,
I think we all go through that. It's easy , I feel, to offer a friend your attention and cheerful advice. But when it comes to ourselves we need the same from our friends. We get so emotionally involved in what is happening in our lives that we get tangled up and can't find our way out. It's much easier for someone not involved to look in from the outside and see where to start in the untangling process. I know exactly how you feel. I really need to email you and tell you all about my goings on and you need to fill me in. Maybe tomorrow I can find the time. I will be there for you Sweetie. xoxoxo
Leenie
2 people like this
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
4 Feb 10
Hey leenie! And what kind of friend am I? You are having all
these problems and I still haven't found the time to email you!
I am so sorry! Life sucks and really does get in the way! I am
just really glad that you are still able to keep poping up in
and out so I at least know that you're ok! Sending you lot of
love and hugs, Leslie
@moondancer (7433)
• United States
4 Feb 10
Yes, I sure do. I am always doing for everyone else and rarely have enough energy left to do anything for me that I'd love to do or even simple things that I need to do.
They, anyone calls on me and I'm there. I do and do until I can not do anymore that day. Then if they call on me I do again...trust me they do call on me again.
I am disabled but it seems that no one takes this into consideration.
If I call and ask for help which I have, no one...not one person that I help all the time will come to help me...even when I offer to pay them.
What is wrong with this picture?
Like I told one of these people the other night after I got a phone call at 9pm to take them to get something to eat.
I'm tired of them just calling me when they want something from me or for me to do something for them. She or they never call just to talk and when I call them they don't even answer the phone.
My daughter said they do the same thing to her.
I told her not to call me to do anything again, unless she is going to start calling me just to talk.
I had reach my limit and was so upset anyway. I had made 3 trips into town that day...
I found out hat my baby Ninja has a huge tumor and Fibrous cancer and there is nothing we can do but see that he is comfortable.
I had also found out from the doctor that she thinks I have Parkinsons Disease and I'm having to go see my neurologists about this.
To top it all off the girl had told me 3 days before this that they had no food in the house...but that she and her children were going to Mississippi because she got a call saying her sister had a heart attack. SO I thought they were gone. They could have called any time during the day time for me to take them to the store...knowing that I do not drive at night because I don't see well to do this.
Well you asked for us to tell you...this is just one family that I do for...not counting the others.
1 person likes this
@moondancer (7433)
• United States
4 Feb 10
I'm sorry that I dumped all of that on you. You seem to have the same problems as I do. Of course if we lived close to each other then we could help each other and just talk to if we wanted to.
I very rarely ask for any help and when I do ask then you know I really need it.
I have not been well at all and my home is in dire need of cleaning and things just being put where they need to be. Laundry caught up on...or rather put away.
I called a few times and asked this girl if she or her daughter would come and help me and I would pay them. They never picked up the phone either time I called.
Another time I asked her to let me go to town with her and someone else, and I would give them gas money.
She said sure. I waited and waited all day, not one phone call telling me they were not going to pick me up or anything.
These are the only two times I have asked for anything from her. That's all they do is call me for something a few times a week.
I do for my mother and she lives in another state. I also do for my daughter and her children, she has 8 of them.
I do for other people around here. But no one does for me if I happen to ask for help.
It's frustrating! I told this other girl that I'm feeling used by her and her family and that I don't like it at all.
I will have you in my prayers too...and I'll light a candle for you. I may even add me to that prayer and a candle for me too. I don't really do anything as far as asking for anything for me, or lighting candles for me. I guess I need to start.
I have had nothing but bad news in the last 3 days. My poor Ninja with the tumor and cancer, my doctor telling me what she did about the Parkinsons, and then I get a phone call just before responding to your post that my grandmother is spitting up blood and they did testing...she has lung cancer and hospice has been called in. They won't do anything to help her because of her age and her health conditions.
This just has not been my week and it's not over yet.
You can write to me any time you want to as well. I am here to listen if that's all you need or want.
You take care dear friend.
@moondancer (7433)
• United States
4 Feb 10
Alice, I'm so sorry that you sister did that to you, and I'm glad that she got the message that she needed to call just to talk.
I have two brothers that are like your sister use to be. The said thing is that we are all not getting any younger and we use to be as close as any syblings could be...even closer.
I do tell them now that I can not help them financially, because I help my mother and my daughter and her family. I don't have anything left after our bills and that.
1 person likes this
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
4 Feb 10
Hey moondancer! I am so very sorry for all you trouble! If you
lived near me I would be so happy to help you! I don't drive,
but I'm sure that there would be something that I could do to
help you and your family! It is so not right that some much
stress should fall on you when you are not well yourself! I too
am disabled, but no one seems to care either! I will pray for
you and I do hope that you can find some answer to your problems!
You have a terrible situation and I only wish that there were
something I could do for you! That is my problem too! I only
want to help everyone and no one wants to help me! Not that I'm
looking for help, but everyone needs someone that they can turn
to once in awhile and you surely should be able to do the same!
If you need to talk I am here for you. Sending hugs and prayers, Opal
@Grandmaof2 (7579)
• Canada
4 Feb 10
Oh do I ever know what you're talking about. W're definitely sing off the same song sheet so to speak.
I have heard so many sob stories lately from so many people and I have wondered more than once when is it my turn and I have finally found the answer to that it's Never.
I have many personal problems, financial problems and serious health issues and I truly believe the only help I have is through the lord.
2 people like this
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
4 Feb 10
Hey Grandmaof2! Just remember you have alot of friends right here
at the Lot! I am more than happy to listen if you want to talk
anytime! I understand exactly what you are saying! It is so much
easier to listen than to deal with what is yours! God Bless You!
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
4 Feb 10
Its easier to work through another person's problems than your own because you aren't emotionally involved in the situation. This allows you to see things a bit more clearly, so you are able to give sound advice on things regarding others. However, with your own problems you tend to make other choices, simply because your emotion blurs a correct train of thought. I know this because I suffer from the very same problem *sigh*
1 person likes this
@drknlvly6781 (6246)
• United States
7 Feb 10
Thank you dahling lol. Pushover is the nice way of saying it, the words only get worse from there lol.
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
5 Feb 10
Hey drknlvly! You look simply marvelous! Stunning picture my
dear! I know that you are alot like I am when it comes to people!
I guess the word is "pushover"! I hate that word! You are a
wonderful lady and a giver! It's too bad we can't get what we
give! Great to see again hon! Hugs, Opal
1 person likes this
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
5 Feb 10
Yes...in fact when I got a divorce I just kept on going....not stopping to attend to my own sorrow and not to work through the things that needed to be addressed....I had my kids to take care of and that was the number one priority....and I am the kind that someone can show up at one in the morning if they have a problem......and I am there for them.....with the divorce years later it all came to the surface....so you have to try to be good to yourself...listen to yourself....take good care of you!
1 person likes this
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
6 Feb 10
Hey jill! You are one of my wisest friends for sure and I am
no doubt sure that you know of what you speak! I think you
have been able to dust yourself off and keep going better
than alot of others have and you are lucky! I wish I was as
strong as you are!
@thuhuong (823)
• United States
10 Feb 10
I was very much like that throughout my life. I've decided to reverse it and do a little bit for me. The hardest thing was saying no. I think once I got pass that barrier I found that there's so much I wanted to do yet so little time to do them. When my friends were aware that I wanted me-time they also appreciate it. As everybody's life does shift and changes, it's also about acknowledging who you are and where you want to be. Once, that is understood I don't think the little things that makes someone irate will bother you as well. It's also the law of attraction here working.
1 person likes this
@zed_k4 (17589)
• Singapore
5 Feb 10
Actually, there are certain truths to what you said. At times, I feel like I can't help myself as well. But when it comes to advising others, I'm like a total pro. I don't even need that much practice, lol. It's actually something like attention. For me, personally, I find that I don't take notice of what my needs are at times and wanting to give my all to others. Lately, I've stopped doing that for a bit, well, not say stop, but slowing down the gears and have been focusing on old me only. I'm looking at this world with a nice break, thinking of going for a holiday, but I'm thinking that I can enjoy myself without traveling too. So I'm sort of amusing and relaxing, enjoying the time I have with myself and the people whom I choose to be and not care about anything else. For a bit, before I get back to that pro self-help person, lol. I wouldn't want to end up becoming a narcissist. Good topic that you have, makes me think about my priorities there too.
1 person likes this
@zed_k4 (17589)
• Singapore
5 Feb 10
Thank you for that, Opal, that really means a lot to me and I appreciate it....you are a nice friend yourself..
On the other hand, the one you said about self-reflecting, I couldn't agree more. Sometimes, I like to sit back and reflect about myself too, mistakes that I've made and whether I could rectify them or become a better person and all that. And that is definitely not an easy process, for sure. I'm glad you have started out this discussion.
...you are a nice friend yourself..
On the other hand, the one you said about self-reflecting, I couldn't agree more. Sometimes, I like to sit back and reflect about myself too, mistakes that I've made and whether I could rectify them or become a better person and all that. And that is definitely not an easy process, for sure. I'm glad you have started out this discussion.@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
5 Feb 10
Hey zed! Thank you for the compliment! But, you are a great
guy just the way you are! It is really difficult to take a
step back and look at yourself because usually you won't like
what you see, at least that's how I am! And as for you becoming
a narcissist, never going to happen!lol Just stay the way you
are! You're a really great guy and honest and sweet! You don't
need alot of fixing believe me I should know! Hugs, Opal
1 person likes this
@lovinangelsinstead21 (36850)
• Pamplona, Spain
5 Feb 10
Hiya Opal,
I sometimes watch Disney like films about Children and Animals when I feel like that too. It can change your mood for a while and distract you a good light therapy for anyone I would think. I often think of the blues as a sort of friend that drops in when you don´t want it too and I try to accomodate it accordingly by shifting or shoving it out through the front door again. "Black Beauty" the book by Anna Sewell was made into a Television Series ages back and it cheers me up too.
I have´nt any old adages that have´´nt already been mentioned but above is a modern adage or recipe. I wonder what the Caveman used to do when they got the blues makes you wonder.
1 person likes this
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
6 Feb 10
Hey lovingangel! Always great to see ya! It's funny but Disney
films usually make me cry! I wonder why that is! Walt Disney
was a genius, but some of his films were definitely on the
sad side, especially for children! When I am sad I like to
watch something funny to cheer me up!
@lovinangelsinstead21 (36850)
• Pamplona, Spain
6 Feb 10
Hiya Opal,
Then you should be watching Steve Martin or Steptoe and Son a British Comedy they were really brilliant together. Or go to youtube and type in Jose Mota and where it says Jose Mota, Michael Jackson you can really laugh at the way he dances but he is really an Ace at doing so.
If not try Lenny Henry who has imitated other international People with a great deal of respect of course you should see him doing Beyonce.
This is just an example. I mean Disney Films like Aladdin and the Genie which I thought was brilliantly done and carried off with a Genie like that for company you would never be short of a smile or two.
@davidshin (143)
• United States
3 Feb 10
Well what are friends for if they can't return the favor? There will be times when you feel stuck and don't know what to do or where to go. That's where you friends and family come in to help you out of your problems; the same way you helped them. Even if they can't help you with words, there are other things they can do. When you feel lonely or depressed, just staying next to you, comforting you is good enough. You don't have to, nor can you help everyone, there will be a time you need a shoulder you need to lean on. So, reach out for help when you feel stuck instead of trying to get out of it by yourself.
1 person likes this
@Hiker769 (85)
• United States
4 Feb 10
I definately agree that we have to let our friends help us. I've always been a loner, so it's hard for me a ask for help, but it is needed! And being around people who care about you, and vise versa, is uplifting in and of itself. People who care about you will try and put aside their problems to help. Just don't always focus on your problems, which, by your post, I know you don't.
1 person likes this
@anne25penn (3305)
• Philippines
4 Feb 10
You're not alone Opal. I have always felt this way ever since my mother was diagnosed with cancer around two years ago. I had to be around for my mom all the time, and my brothers live abroad and cannot help me in caring for her. My friends always ask me for advice on some problems that they face, and I can always give them what I think will be best for them. But when I need a shoulder to cry on or lean on, it seems that I cannot find someone. But I'm used to it. I just treat myself to something when I feel stressed or have a problem.
.@anne25penn (3305)
• Philippines
4 Feb 10
We give advise that we cannot implement in our own lives.
.1 person likes this
@writersedge (22563)
• United States
4 Feb 10
If you cheer other people up and take it into yourself, then you become depressed. You need to shield yourself or do this, "At least I don't have all those problems!" Another is to play some fun music and dance. Another is to read comics or joke books. Still another is to put on a comedy video.Or yell, scream, throw pillows, get it all out and then move on. You can't do that in cities, but in the country, we can go in the woods and scream.
At any rate, learn their problems are external to you. If you help them with their problems, maybe they can help you with yours. If not, meditate, pray, whatever you believe in and get your problems solved. They say mandellas help people take their minds of problems and then they suddenly think of answers to their problems.
Brainstorming all possible ways to resolve a problem, then saying why different ones don't work until you find one that will is another possibility. If you really are stuck, play some relaxing music when you go to bed at night and sometimes your subconcious will provide you with an answer.
Sometimes, only time will help. Good luck and feel happier. Take care.
1 person likes this
@writersedge (22563)
• United States
4 Feb 10
[u][/u]Sometimes problems can't be solved easily. Like when my Mom was dying of cancer. Everybody elses problems were a snap compared to mine. Or the time I was harassed at work to the point where I was sick and throwing up every day. Even the Union tried to help me and said it was my word against his, so I ended up having to quit after I was vested.
Other times it's a matter of listening to the right books or meditation tapes. I listened to one meditation tape and found renewed energy plus I ended up being in the right place at the right time for a job. I read a book called, Your Infinite Ability to be Richand I started having money when I needed some.
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
4 Feb 10
Thanks for all of those ideas writer! I do alot of things to
stay busy! I love to read and love music! But, the problem is
I just can't seem to solve my own issues, but am great at
solving everyone elses! I am glad that I am a good listener
and I do have friends who will listen sometimes. I just wish
I could find the answers to my own problems easier!
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
4 Feb 10
I think almost everyone has a problem like that. I know cheering myself up is like a constant struggle. I always have to give myself a pep talk and remind myself to stop focusing on all the negative things, and look on the brighter side. I don't always like having to give someone else a pep talk because I'm already so tired of doing it for myself all the time!
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
5 Feb 10
You're so sweet! I do complain a lot though, probably too much. Usually though when I do complain, someone will put it into perspective for me and get me thinking, which helps me to look at it from a different angle and change my attitude. That's always helpful.
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
5 Feb 10
Hey kats! You are such a beautiful woman in every way! You give
all the time to your family and never complain! I think you
should be very proud of what you've acomplished! I am in awe
of you my dear friend! So don't ever put yourself down for one
second! Hugs, Opal
@savypat (20216)
• United States
4 Feb 10
Opal this is a form of escape, as long as you are helping others, you do not have to deal with yourself. It's a trick the mind plays, because the mind does not like things to change. Get the paper and pencil out and make lists, WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME, WHAT DO I NEED TO CHANGE, HOW DO I CHANGE IT. Then ask for help, just before you go to sleep, and when you first wake up. Now listen, don't let anything keep you from doing this, you must be strong. The answers will come, maybe in something you read or are told, maybe something that you heard before but now shows up in bold print. Believe what you will, in angels, the sub counscious mind, or a high power, what ever it doesn't matter just listen. Blessings
1 person likes this
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
4 Feb 10
Hi pat! You are always one of the few people that I can count
on who can give me the postivity that I need and so appreciate
it! I will try doing as you say. My therapist gave me some
advice that was sort of similar. Thank you for always being
the voice of reason~
@missybear (11391)
• United States
4 Feb 10
That sounds like me even though my Life is going pretty good, but back in the days I had my share of misery.I think you're a good person for trying to help others but you come first and you need to take care of yourself first. You need to be happy in your life but don't stop helping others.
1 person likes this
