How can I stop obsessing about a bad event and stop negative thinking?

United States
February 22, 2010 12:30pm CST
Okay so about 5 months ago I found out some things about my boyfriend. I had been with him for over 3 1/2 years and there was this girl on his facebook I didn't like and he kept saying there was nothing going on. Which, I guess there wasn't persay. But I found out that like 3 months prior he had hung out with her without telling me (I didn't even know he had met her in person until 3 months later) and when he was leaving she blind sidedly kissed him. The hardest part about this situation is that he lied to me. I had confronted him numerous times about her just because I had a bad vibe and he would tell me I was over reacting.. and so forth. And even when I was tipped off that something HAD happened he still denied all the way up until I had to specifically ask him whether or not they kissed. I mean, I guess it wasn't alie that he said nothing was happening between them because as far as he was concerned nothing did. But he still hid the kiss from me and he said he did that because he was afraid if he told me I would freak out and leave him. Okay so this situation has been a struggle for me to let go. And it doesn't help that only 2 months after I found out about my boyfriend, I discovered my Dad was having a 7 year affair on my Mom. So now I have 2 events that are somewhat related to lying and cheating. And really I've been obssessing over it. When I'm with Patrick I beleive him and he is absolutely amazing. but I keep thinking 'How could I get this lucky?' or 'It must be too good to be true'. Logically I know I have no real reason to worry anymore. But emotionally its like a cycle and its gotten worse. And I know that if I don't deal with this now I will lose my boyfriend. And by the way, since this incident I told him he needds to tell me everything. I told him that if she kissed him I would have no reasont to be mad at him over it. So that way heknows that being honest with me is the most important thing. And since he has followed that. He has even told me things he didn't have too and I would have never known but he wanted to be totally open and honest. So I really need to learn how to let all of this fear, anxiety, anger and insecurities go but I don't know how. Can anyone give any advice? thanks.
1 person likes this
12 responses
apocalypsereturns
@apocalypsereturns (368)
• India
22 Feb 10
Well there are different ways to reduce the amount of negative thinking and block all the thoughts that are coming to your mind.. people use YOGA to cleanse their minds and focus on one thing it really helps .. there are many ways to do that.. you could try finding a hobby and try to immerse yourself in that i guess that would be too much of a ask. But If you have positive thoughts abouut Patrik i guess you should focus more on him. that would sooth your mind as well as help you lead a happier life.. forgetting things of the past becomes easy if you have someone to share it with ... maybe you can find someone..
1 person likes this
phoenix1344
@phoenix1344 (698)
• United States
22 Feb 10
Thanks for your response! Yeah I've thought about trying yoga and meditating and I think I will try that. And your right.. I do have plenty of positive thoughts about Patrick that outweight the one bad thought. I should focus more on the good until the bad one is completely gone. Thanks for your great advice.
spalladino
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
22 Feb 10
Kill him with kindness and reassure yourself in the process. I actually stole that line from Dr. Laura. In a nutshell, if you and your boyfriend have worked through this and you see that he's trying to please and reassure you by going overboard and telling you things he doesn't even need to tell you...REWARD HIM! Obviously he loves you and you love him so you need to intentionally put positive thoughts into your head...directed at your relationship with him. Think about what little thing you can do for him today to show him how much you love him. Fixing a favorite meal, giving him a nice neck massage and/or back rub. Be sweet and loving. Even if you don't have anything special to do in mind, think about being together in a positive way. You experienced a double whammy shock and it's natural for your mind to go into protection mode, where you feel like you're on alert...watching for signs of trouble...but you can work your way out of it if you redirect your thinking. It's not easy and it's not going to happen in five minutes but it can be done and, in this case, it can be fun!
spalladino
@spalladino (17891)
• United States
23 Feb 10
You're very welcome. Yes, Dr. Laura can be sooooo irritating but she makes sense to me sometimes. I listen to a lot of talk radio and there are times when I'm trapped in my vehicle with her...so I listen. I don't know why that gem stuck in my mind...maybe it was being saved in there for you. Usually I can't remember sh*t!
phoenix1344
@phoenix1344 (698)
• United States
22 Feb 10
Wow.. I don't even like Dr. Laura but I thought that was a very powerful quote. Thanks for your response I really feel like you knew exactly where I am coming from. And your absolutely right. I just need to change my way of thinking. Thanks so much for your advice, it really helped me a lot
mlhuff12
@mlhuff12 (797)
• United States
23 Feb 10
I think the fact that he is telling you everything, even the things that he doesn't in order to be totally honest is a good sign. I hope he isn't spending anymore time with this girl, because she is the one that shouldn't be trusted. But like stated in a previous post, you must get past this in order to continue a healthy relationship with trust. If you can't get past it then I would think it would be as good as done. A relationship without trust can never last.
RachelleNH
@RachelleNH (1396)
• United States
22 Feb 10
This sounds like your trust has been broken before..I had a cheating ex husband and it destroyed my trust in everyone-but I've learned that there is nothing I can do to change other people's actions-I can only change my own. So you have to think before speaking and do your best not to worry-I know that sounds hard-but if you keep on it could destroy your relationship by driving your SO away. :) Good luck and remember think happy thoughts!
phoenix1344
@phoenix1344 (698)
• United States
22 Feb 10
You its interesting you say my trust has been broken before.. and I know I must have learned from someone that guys cheat. But I don't know where I learned that from or where my trust was broken to such an extent it would stick with me this far. It must be in my unconscious. And I know if I keep going this way that I'll lose him. I just need to work on not obsessing over what hasnt even happened yet :( Anyways thank you so much for your advice and your response.
thunderbala
@thunderbala (748)
• India
23 Feb 10
i think you need to just forget about it and go on cuz life is this its with lots of happiness sadness and everything so you ll have to come out of it by meditaing.. and being optimistic.. may be its tough but its the only go..
srjac0902
@srjac0902 (1169)
• Italy
23 Feb 10
If your feelings are so genuine then it is not easy to forget though helplessly you should forgive him. You may undertake any therapy but not easy. Only time will heal you. But you have to live the present and therefore you must be involved very concentrating activity so that you have no time to think of it. If you take up any mission, writing composing poems , corresponding or doing volunteer work praying animating others depression then when you come across others' suffering and try to accompany them to come out gradually your wounds will be healed, just because you suffered, then you will be more tender towards the others
verabear
@verabear (796)
• Philippines
23 Feb 10
It's really difficult to let go sometimes but as long as you make a conscious effort to do so, your boyfriend will understand. I think that it helps to talk about it although he will definitely tire of it in time and might feel very restricted because of the seeming mistrust. hang in there, you will forget it soon enough. Good Luck!
malamar
@malamar (779)
• Canada
22 Feb 10
Hi phoenix, You actually answered your own question - "You have to change your way of thinking". It happened, and it is over - only you can decide to either get past it or end the relationship. I say, if the good outweighs the bad like it seems to in your relationship, then find the inner strength to move beyond it. By bottling it up inside you, and obsessing over it, you will destroy your inner peace and your relationship all at the same time. Obsessing over negative events/circumstances holds us back from happiness, peace and contentment. If you cannot get past it, move on for your sake and for Patrick's. The situation with your dad is also beyond your control, and it is up to your mother to deal with the issue in her own way. We can be disappointed and disallusioned by these events, but we cannot be destroyed unless we choose to be. Good luck to you, I wish you much success on this journey. Be strong, and hold your head up high! malamar
machivado
@machivado (528)
• Indonesia
23 Feb 10
Yeah, I know how you feel, but I've done with that. My advise: get yourself busy, workout in the gym, and isn't it time for you to reflect what's really important to you? Simply said, don't think about it too much, that kind of thing just happens and nothing to blame. Everyone just trying to find their best way although we might see it in different way.
siliguri
@siliguri (4241)
• India
23 Feb 10
I will suggest you a very good thing do "YOGA" everyday it really works and you will get rid of this things surely....
pandaeyes
@pandaeyes (2065)
•
23 Feb 10
One thing that you can do is to tell your boyfriend exactly how you think and feel about that situation and then talk through a scenario where it is you that has a friend and him that is not being told the whole truth. I have done that with my husband a couple of times over different issues. Once early in our courtship, he was escorting me home after a date .He went across the city with me then went home on the bus but stayed with an ex girlfriend before getting home(he ran out of fare money). He told me about it next day on the phone and I was not happy so I asked him what would it have felt like if I had stayed with my ex overnight because I ran out of money when i could just have stayed till the next morning with him and slept on the couch? He got he message right away. How would it have looked from his viewpoint? YUP suspicious. It will clear the air over that one issue and help him to see that how he reacts to things effects how you react to them. You must tell him what he means to you too because it is easy for things to turn into accusations when that was not what was intended just by leaving out important facts. Then let it go. Think about positives. I don't know what it is like where you live but where I come from,people who are old friends do sometimes peck each other on the cheek. We were friends with that ex girlfriend for a long time after and went to her wedding and she came to ours.
Omfgbbqsauce
@Omfgbbqsauce (138)
• New Zealand
23 Feb 10
Go kiss someone else because that will even the score. By doing that , ur BF will know how painful it is for ur loved one to do something of that nature with someone else. After that , U can rest assured that he won't cheat on u. BUT this is assuming that he actually loves u. If he doesn't love u , he won't have any empathy for u. Or how about watching some mind numbing T.v ? LOL