Should I marry a possible cheater?
By Pepsi_Alice
@Pepsi_Alice (1)
February 11, 2011 12:32pm CST
I think my fiance is cheating... again.
We've been together 8 years and he has cheated in the past... definitely 'having an affair' with another woman for a few months very early on in our relationship (we split up because of this but got back together after a number of months), and a few times I've found 'incriminating' text messages between him & other women on his phone but he's said that he never actually slept with these girls. The last time was about 2 years ago & we went through a lot to get past it. Things have been better than ever since then & we set a wedding date a few months ago (him being the one who proposed).
I now know the signs very (too!) well and, since he started a new job before Xmas, I've begun to suspect he may be cheating again. I have just seen that he has texts on his phone between him & a woman at work - calling her 'my gorgeous' etc. I was expecting to see this as he suddenly became very secretive about his phone a few weeks ago, which is one reason I thought something might be going on (he usually asks me to look at messages for him when he hasn't got a spare hand etc, but suddenly started hiding his phone & snatching it from me when I pick it up to pass it to him... you get the idea). All the same, seeing that he's being overly friendly with another woman, combined with the other signs I know too well... I think this is the start of another affair if nothing else. We've been through the same thing so many times & I feel sick at the thought of having to confront him again & go through the horrible upset another time... the point is, being engaged this time gives things a whole new slant - am I going to have to call off the engagement? Leave him completely? I always say 'I'm not putting up with this again, if it happens again that's it', but I love him & am so happy between his cheating spurts. Am I a fool to be considering still marrying him even though he's (possibly) cheating?
Any advice would be gratefully received as I feel I've lost perspective & need an objective opinion.
4 people like this
16 responses
@owlwings (43910)
• Cambridge, England
11 Feb 11
Once a cheater, as they say, always a cheater. He may have many desirable features but if you can't handle his propensity to be attracted to 'women' in the broadest sense, then you don't have a good basis for marriage at all and you should certainly break off your engagement. It's your call.
A man like that will NOT change, believe me. He may, however, genuinely love you but just needs that little extra excitement always of flirting (and more) with other women. It really shows that he hasn't quite grown up (and, sadly, never will).
2 people like this
@yoyo1198 (3641)
• United States
11 Feb 11
Oh, wow...you have definitely lost perspective. If this doubt and confusion is what you want for the next years of your life then by all means ignore the obvious signs and signals and stick with him. I didn't think to look and see how old you are but regardless of your age you should have learned by now. Why in the world did you stay with him after his first affair? You need to get away from him; run, do not walk. These guys do NOT change. I know. You have already let him set a pattern and he knows you'll put up with whatever he wants to dish out. He'll continue as long as you stay in a relationship with him. Being engaged should have nothing to do with your decision. It certainly didn't make any difference to him, did it?
2 people like this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
11 Feb 11
I'm sorry that you're in a relationship where you're going through this over and over, Pepsi_Alice. Being engaged doesn't give any new slant at all... he is repeating the same behavior and nothing is changing. You are not a fool - you love(d) this man... but what you ARE doing is going through the same scenario but expecting a different outcome -- that's not going to happen. Basically, I'd say you should stop making idle threats. Don't say "I'm not putting up with this again..." and then stay. He KNOWS you're not leaving him so why would he stop? He's had several affairs that you know of and there has been no impact on him at all. You're still with him. You know his behavior... you know all the signs... and you are seeing them again surrounding this woman at his work. No one needs to tell you what's going on because you already know. Do you just want to be happy "between affairs"? Please understand that you have value. You are worth being with someone that is willing to devote themselves to you and only you. Please don't let yourself be swayed by him saying "he never actually slept with these girls"... you have NO way to know that. Emotionally, he has allowed himself to enter into relationships with other women while he is dating or engaged to you. That is not ok. I'll tell you honestly that cheating is a deal breaker for me. There is no forgiveness for it. I know some women have the capacity to look the other way and that is, of course, their decision. But all I'm saying is this man has a track record... it wasn't once... it's been several times and you are staring it in the face yet again. Perhaps now would be a good time to decide to get off the ride. I wish you much luck... please think about and do what's best for you 
1 person likes this
@hardworkinggurl (37063)
• United States
11 Feb 11
Hi Pepsi_Alice and welcome to myLot to you.
I am so sorry you are going through this and not a pleasant ordeal. Hon, you are not a fool you are simply in love, But I would like for you to love you more then this situation. Think about what you will be going through, yet another 8 years from now.
Also how this will affect children in the event you have some. Just because you catch your love, cheating does not mean you instantly stop loving them, however, how much longer can you live this way as it is not healthy.
I cannot tell you what you need to do with your relationship as you are the one that loves him and what is right for me may not be right for you. So my suggestion is think about the pain the relationship has inflicted upon you then think about a life with a person who will continue to hurt you.
There you will find your answer, and I do wish you all the best, and please remember you first above all as apparently your fiancee is not putting first.
1 person likes this
@infatuatedbby (94914)
• United States
12 Feb 11
I am sorry to hear that you think your fiance is cheating. But I think the thing you should so is see if he is cheating. Maybe look through the phone calls and see who's he texting and calling or something because you definitely want to make sure. If he's cheated in the past, and attempted and these are signs you want to know. You don't want to marry a cheater. I see it as once a cheater always a cheater because it seems as if they can't change. And if they try to change and do it again then they know you're going to always be there and take them back. And, he's being very secretive with his phone lately and I don't see it a problem that you're holding his phone and handing it to him, he shouldn't hesitate and he does so something is definitely up.
Good luck. And, best wishes to you.
1 person likes this
@classicalgeek (185)
• United States
13 Feb 11
If the way you are feeling right now is the way you want to spend the rest of your life, go ahead. If you're at all considering having children, run because they will be severely affected. If you don't like his behaviour when he's cheating then leave him. I know all about these guys and in between cheating they make you feel great because they want to have a "home base." In other words, they want someone to cook, clean, give them a cool washcloth for their forehead when they feel bad, and they want to skim off all the cream and give it away to a stranger.
If this person does not want to invest his best effort in you, why should you invest your best effort in him? Look at where he is putting his energies and how that investment of his time and energy affects you, and how your investment of time and energy is affecting you. If you are not happy with the cheating then no matter how much it hurts now, get out of it. Because the hurt now is nothing compared to the hurt when you are married, or the pain of divorce, and especially the pain it will inflict upon children.
@sender621 (14893)
• United States
12 Feb 11
We marry a person for eho they are. We should not judge their past, but the past of is a part of the person we become. just because someone was unfaithful in the past does not mean the pattern will continue. everyone deserves a chance to show what kind of person they can be. I believe you should be aware of the past. You don't have to build a future on mistakes. @dreamnishu (1247)
• China
12 Feb 11
hello friend!
of-course not my dear friend you should not marry with a possible cheater.if you do not believe him if he doing cheat with you then do not have to marry him.because then you will bed not happy any more.you have to avoid him as soon as possible.
best of luck my dear friend.
thanks a lot.
@dreamsharmin (2281)
• China
12 Feb 11
Ofcourse not. You should not marry any possible cheater. Marry is very important for life and a great decision of life. I think you should talk with him if he stop to doing cheating then you can marry other wise batter you completely leave him. It's batter leave now then leave after marriage if your partner cheat you. Hope you will take the correct decision.Good luck!
@toniganzon (72533)
• Philippines
12 Feb 11
All I can say to you dear is you deserved someone much better than him! YOu think you cannot find another man? He's not worth the suffering dear and once you get married you don't want to spend your life in hell. So please have the courage to break off the engagement. I don't think that it's love you feel towards him but i think he is your comfort zone and scared that you cannot find another man. But there are so many out there who will respect you more than your fiance. Please respect yourself and love yourself more.
Foresee your future with him as one living hell!
@kameleon100 (89)
•
12 Feb 11
I would have to throw the question back to you and that is if you'r willing and prepared to accept that the guy your about to marry will cheat on you eventually then go for it.
@madp_071983 (228)
• Oman
12 Feb 11
Pepsi_Alice, you MUST for the following reasons:
a. 8 years is quite long, dont waste it. We are not growing younger anyway; and
b. nobody but you will learn to change him. You are his CATALYST for change, so to speak.
An up close and personal talk between you two is strongly encouraged. Give him a chance to change. Try to make a deal. If he doesnt change then you may as well resort to your decision as convened by you and your fiance. Everybody deserves a second chance or even a third chance. Listen to him and be honest and true. Regrets came in the end. Never wait till it happens.
@l0vxXmusic (179)
• United States
13 Feb 11
wait. why would you even consider marrying someone who has cheated before or is cheating again.?. not to be rude but i think that would be a stupid choice from you., and your just hurting yourself. ..
look i say just seperate from him, why put yourself in something, knowing that he's cheatiing.. its just wrong. he doesnt deserve you,
honey im sure you can dO WAYYYY better then a guy like him! no girl deserves a cheater. =]
@semus9x (47)
• Vietnam
12 Feb 11
Wife and husband should love each other. I'm a VietNamese and the customs of my country respect that. I find that the adultary is not acceptable. Althought now I'm a student and I dont marry, my understand that control. But besinds wife and husband have altruistic. should forgive each other for the forgiveness. it's a beauty that we should learn. Thank you for reading respond !
@bjane02 (19)
• Philippines
12 Feb 11
JUST FOLLOW YOUR INSTINCT. =) if you're in doubt, and you're not so sure anymore whether you can still trust him through out your marriage life, then perhaps calling off the engagement is the best thing to do. once someone has already cheated on u, there's a great possibility that he'll do it again. or let's just say he would no longer do it EVER. but you yourself are no longer confident about that. ur constant thoughts of him having an affair could end up ruining your relationship...
the best of luck to u. i hope u'l find the answer u'r looking for soon. do something about it before it's too late. =)
@jhaidro (877)
• Philippines
12 Feb 11
I think that cheating even not entirely will always be a part of a relationship. Having another woman does not mean that the love he has for you is less. I think that it is a matter of faithfulness and loyalty. I can't say that every man will be faithful because at some point, there will be something that would come up whether we like it or not. This can happen to women too. But though you are unfaithful at times, you can still be loyal. After playing around, they would know where to go home to, where they know that they are truly loved.
