Change.. Just.. Change.

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Last week marked my 46th year that I've been on this earth. Not a big accomplishment but still a milestone and a place I've never been before. A few" hard to learn" lessons under my belt and I set out to discover.. ME. This year is going to be all about change, possibly my greatest fear to me is.. change.. the unknown and never knowing what lies ahead. Something about it just seems so incredibly scary to me. I have been fortunate enough to see some amazing changes in my life, things that would quite possibly mean nothing to anyone else and yet the basis of my whole purpose in this life. I had the chance to raise three beautiful, intelligent and (yes, at times) even wiser than me, children. From their first steps to adulthood. I got to be there for it all! As I watch them need me less and less, I'd be lying to say that it doesn't break my heart. I have always thought that I probably needed them more than they ever needed me. I also have had the honor of seeing the world around me change, sometimes for the better, and sadly, even for the worst at times. I've seen intelligence seem to hit an all time high and I've watched simple compassion dwindle away. Change, it's all a part of this thing that we call life. 10 years ago, I didn't know how today would feel, look, or even sound. I wouldn't know the melancholy of the simple act of letting go of everything that I've known thus far, to grab a hold of the hand of change again and "hope" for the best. And so I am here again.. waiting.. watching.. and trying to make sense out of something that I have no control over. My baby graduates high school in a couple of weeks and this has probably been the hardest for me to comprehend. Where time went? How can a day turn into years so quietly that you don't even notice that it's happening? Days turn into nights and nights back into days.. and no one questions it. What did I do today? What changed? I spent an entire day doing nothing that made a memory? I'm a firm believer that a human life's greatest prize is memories that are etched into our hearts. It's all that we have at the end. Holding on to a time that will never return, but inside the beautiful workings of the mind.. that day or event can be re-lived over and over as many times as you wish. Relationships that were severed are whole again, friends that walked away are embedded into your memories and it feels as though they never left. Tiny treasures that can't be held or re-lived.. but felt. I know, I got off track and went a wrong turn back there, but my mind always takes the scenic route around things. I ramble! Okay?! haha! This is MY note, and it contains MY thoughts no matter how stupid or (let's pick a word that I like) abstract! That actually makes it sound intelligent and by God you are nothing if you aren't intelligent enough to make ramble sound smart! Oh! thank God, one thing I've held to for sanity purposes hasn't changed. My humor. I often think where I would be without it. I'm pretty sure that I know the answer, but I wonder how my life would be without it. I'm going to need it more than ever in the upcoming days, months, year.. God help me remember my humor! My ability to see something laughable when it hurts otherwise. I guess if I had to ever describe myself, I'd be lost.. so I would focus on my uncanny ability to see something worth keeping, worth laughing about, when I feel totally upside down, sideways, discombobulated and out of sorts. When I seriously need a good friend... a good cry.. and too ashamed to ask for, or do what I need. I laugh, or rather, I make those around me laugh and it makes the day not seem like a total waste. I suppose that I'm hoping that at the end of my life that my ability to make others laugh makes me less worthless than how I felt. Did I mention that I totally got off course here? This isn't what I was going to write at all! But in all seriousness, who is really gonna read this anyway? hahaha! This is ME.. my life.. trying to find where I should be, and where I should go, and heading in the wrong direction at full speed ahead. This is how I am going to master this inevitable change ahead.. The Rita way! With humor where I lack grace, with love.. always with love... trying my best to climb over the fear of the unknown that scares the living hell out of me! And if I'm really lucky I will have something that will make a memory worth re-living in the furture when I am, AGAIN, standing at this crossroad that can go either way. Just looking for the place called "home"... I'm tired now.. I just want to go home. Don't worry if this makes no sense whatsoever to you.. I understand it completely and just needed to see it written down. :)