Should I Stay or Should I Go

I told my grown daughter, even though we are close and I would miss her and my granddaughter, that she has to do what is best for her and not worry about us. It's her life. We moved 2.5 hours from my mom and 3 from my sister. We still see each other and keep in touch. We live far from most of our family, but still have a relationship. You can live close and still not BE close, and you can live far and still remain close. You need to do what is best for you but still be available to your family, in any way that you can.

Hi Ambie! I don't envy you your decision. Every case is different, and only you know what it is you are really looking for. To find a new church and meet new people, you don't necessarily have to move, since there are so many churches in our area, or in nearby cities. To be nearer other family members, other than your folks...well yes, then you probably would have to move. The real question is whether you have to move to make changes in your life, and which changed would have the most meaning for you. Based on your mom's deteriorating health, have you had a heart-to-heart with her doctor, for realistic prognosis and estimated time remaining? That's a difficult thing to do, but you might want to factor that information into your plans. I'm probably not a good person to ask this question to. In 2004 when deciding to get married and move here from Massachusetts, my mother (who was being treated for cancer, which through treatment had not progressed for several years) said "Go! I'll be fine, we'll talk on the phone". I moved, and five months later she was gone. There's nothing I can do to get that time back, and I'll probably never get over the guilt.

You dad needs a lawyer that will work on a contingency basis to help him try to get the help she needs. We cannot make the decision for you about going. I was going to suggest that you would not regret staying, but you might regret going. I really do not know, though. I wondered about your own medical care, as you have professionals where you live now that know you. I know you could and would be there and be involved. I am so sorry because her mind is gone, she does not know what sacrifices he is making for her or what you do for her as well. I guess she does not get medicaid then. Is her health good other than the dementia? Sometimes in situations like this a pharmaceutical company will make arrangements for people to have their meds at free or reduced costs. Ask the pharmacist.

Oh Ambie, that is a tough question and I can see how hard it will be to make this decision. I won't lie and say you should do one or the other, but I do encourage you to pray about it, give it over to G♥d. When I have hard decisions to make, that is what I do and He does answer me, even though many times it isn't the answer I wanted..I will also pray for you and here are some hugs you can multiply as much as you want..

It's really hard to decide but at the end of the day you owe yourself your own life...I don't know what your mum sickness is...but your father married her so he is responsible for her wellbeing! I do understand you would like to be there as well and please do so...but your father is the one who should look into a solution for this problem...or may be get together with the family and put some money towards a care for your mum when your dad is at work.

You need to get on with your own life. What can you do anyway? Other than worry about her and add moral support, there isn’t much you can do. Please don’t let this sense of guilt stop you from having your own life. Your life will be gone before long and you will never have found a life for yourself or find someone to share it with. Your mother is going to get worse in spite of anything you do or don’t do, so don’t let that stop you. You don’t see your sister putting her life on hold, you shouldn’t either. Your mother should have Medicare Part D on her disability. Someone just needs to sign her up for it. December 7th is the last day to sign up this year. I only pay $2 per prescription.

ultimately it is your decision and what ever decision you make is okay. If you decide to leave and get a good job perhaps you can help your father out financially so he can continue to get help for your mom.

Hiya Amber. I feel for you. I really do. But I feel for your dad too. Couldn't you stay where you're at AND have a life too? I don't know where you're located, but isn't there a church there? Friends? Single men you can date? Why do you have to move in order to get any of this? This way, you could still have your life and be close to your parents too. Unless that isn't an option...

Some of the things to be considered. You may actually be one of the reasons any form of government aid may be denied. As long as there is a family member who can do, and is able bodied, the government tends to let the family handle it. The government doesn't want to spend taxpayer dollars on anything they can get out of. Secondly, it sounds like your dad is under the age of sixty years, and that is the key to disability social security being easy to get, and as long as he is working, they tend to think he doesn't need it. He needs an attorney to help him with social security. It is a fact, medicaid will not help if the household has more than a certain amount of money available monthly after everything is paid. When my mom got medicaid in the early 1990's she couldn't have assets of more than $1500 a month and that included the value of her home. However, she was in her 80's at the time. Medicare does not provide a lot now days, and it seems more and more, that they are putting many expenses back into the pocket of the person receiving benefits. In some ways, it is harder to get help for one partner in a marriage because of the combined income of two people. I went through the once in a while visits from my brother. Until my mom was in a nursing home, he seemed to think either she or I could handle everything. He wasn't very realistic. But then, he didn't get along with her either. I was not even your age when my mom became my responsibility and at the time I was pregnant and expecting my second child. She about ruined my marriage, whether on purpose or because of her illness. Most normal parents want their children to have a life outside of them. My mom was by no means normal. Be grateful your dad is around to take care of your mom. Don't deny yourself a life. You need to have one of your own that isn't wrapped up in the care of your parents. You are too young not to have one. I was strapped with the care of my mom and my aunt from before I was 30 years of age, and in many ways, I've never had a life that I wasn't a caretaker for someone. Trust me, I know what it is like to take care of family in so many ways that you don't have much of a life of your own. Good luck with your decision! Hope you can follow through with the action required to make it happen!

Well AmbiePAm... I am coming up on a similar situation. I just was able, at 53 years old..to buy my first home...1,1/2 hours away from my mom. I can't drive on freeways due to a vision issue, so I can't go down there. She can't drive and come up here. We have evidence that she is embarking on Dimentia...she forgets who I am, etc. Mild, but coming on. She has a boyfriend that they have been together (living seperately) for about 10 years and he takes good care of her during hte days, but goes home at night etc. My brother just moved (and didn't say anything to me) to Houston and my sister moved there about 4 years ago and my other brother has been in oregon for 20 years and never came home since for anything. Now.. I am the closest. But due to our respective problems...I don't see how I can help her. She is there alone with just her boyfriend. I just see it coming that everyone thinks I am the one that should take her in. However..she wasn't that great a mom to me. As the years go by, I see so many things/times that she wasn't there when I needed her. I needed a place to live...literally almost homeless recently (4 years ago) but she wouldn't let me move in with her cause inspite of my explanations, she thought I was getting a divorce and she said she wouldn't be "help" me get a divorce by giving me a place to live! No divorce, my husband just went out of state to work and cuase of my condition, and few other things, I couldn't go with him. Twice in the past this similar thing happened and grudgingly she and my dad allowed us to move in to ONE bedroom for all four of my family and we bought all groceries and split the utilities and their rules, and they had priority etc. ANyway... I just don't see that I should be the one to take her in when I am the one with the least amount of money and physical problems of my own and the others walked out on the family...and she wasn't that great a mom and I have done EVERYTHING to keep the family together over the years and no one else has even tried, yet they will probably expect me to do everything when "The time" comes. So I don't know what to do either. I finally have a home of my own, and can live in peace and have a life...and now to have to give it up and all over someone that didn't really care for me and because the rest of the family walked out. So I am reading your responses here and will be watching how things go here...for information and help. I wish you the best...off the bat I say since your father told you to go...go.Do what you can to help the discrepency with his income and all the paper work..with emails, and online everything,a nd faxing...you should probably be able to be a big help that way. Honestly, maybe that is where he needs more help..understanding all the paperwork and red tape and if he didn't have to deal with that...he would be able to take care of your mom on his own. Maybe think of it that way and start creating some kind of work plan for what you can do in the "office work" area of the problem. I just went through a problem and it took me 3 years of "paperwork" issues to finally get it settled. What a nightmare! WOuldn't have been so bad if someone had helped me with that! Plus...go home on weekends..give your dad the day off or things like that. I pray for your answer to your prayer and hope you can find a good solution.

You would appear to have the most wonderful father in the world. He is putting your life before his own needs with your mother. That is special as he does need the support. I would not know what to tell you as only you can make the decision and it is natural that you should want to live your own life as you are a young person. You are really not that far away if you move and perhaps could visit every 2 weeks to give your father a break. Surely your sister could do better with the helping out. Couldn't she could visit even overnight every 2 weeks? I am so sorry not to be of any use but it does come down to you making the decision.

Oh AmbiePam...there is noway that I could say what the right or the wrong thing to do is in this case. I think that you deserve to live and at the same time I understand the turmoil you must be feeling right now. I know that even though you moved that you would still be a great help to your father. Maybe once they realize they messed up his income, he can get that extra help. I wish you the best with your decision and I will be hoping for the happiness of you and your family.

That decision has to be completely yours. You would be respecting your fathers wishes if you went and lived your life as he wants you too. How does your mother feel about you leaving? What about going to your church and talking to your pastor/minister, etc. Sometimes they give really good advice. You say you are 30 years old and have been helping out for years already. If you want to find someone to share your life with and also have children this is a decision you need to make for yourself. I guess it is about what you want to do with your life. I am sure your father would like you to have someone to share your life with, as he did until your mother became ill/disabled. I hope you find the answer you are looking for. Good luck to you.

Hi Ambie! I am very envy with you~ You have a father who are so understanding. He the one who wanted you to do so plus you are ready for it so it is up to you. I would love to have the same thing as you but here we need a strong reason to leave the home and have our own place. It is fine, I will do the best to be with my parents. With ten minutes away from home you could visit them once a week.That should be fine.(^^)

Awww Ambie, my heart goes out to you. You are so young with such a long life in front of you, and a decision like this must be tearing your heart apart. No one here can answer this question for you...even though I know what you'd like to hear. All I can say is, don't do anything that you would have regrets about. Regrets are something that will plague you and eventually take a toll on your health, which I'm sure no one wants to see happen now or later. Try really hard to think of some type of solution that works all the way around. Your sister needs to step up and put her big girl pants on. Could it be possible that she comes down once a month instead of once every six months? If you could work this out with her or someone else, then you can split the month with them and also come down once a month like you mentioned. Do you know what I mean? If she came down say on the 1st of the month every month, then maybe you could come down on the 15th of every month. This way someone is there at least every two weeks to give your dad a break and visit. This should ease your mind a bit so you're not feeling so guilty about leaving.

Hi my sweet darling sis! This is such a sad and difficult situation for you and I so understand. I recently found out my Mom has Dementia and (long story) some people have taken over her care (her boyfriend's who passed away's family) and are treating me like crap because I have been sick and haven't been able to get down to Florida yet. It all happened suddenly and I also don't know what to do. I don't want to move to Florida and they all live near her. They think I am a terrible person and don't even know me yet. I do know what you have been going through for the past 4 years and you are way too young to be giving up your life at this point. I know how much you love and want to be there for your Dad, but I also know that you are miserable where you are and do think that it is time for you to move on and find some happiness of your own. I think that you should go. Your Dad understands and has given you his blessings. Things will work out for getting the care for your Mom. Do what you need to do for yourself for a change. You deserve it. Love, Les

I think the best thing you can do, is learn. Learn what love really is from your father who is loving his wife, even when it's not fun, not enjoyable, and not fun. I would also not advise you to leave yet. Not until you are satisfied in your soul that it is time to go. Nothing is more sad than to see a person spend the rest of their lives regretting one little thing they did oh so long ago. No one can tell you 'it's time'. Only you and G-d can make that final choice. But if you still feel like you should help, that you should be there, and that you are running out... then it's not time yet. I can promise you. Hold out a little longer. Have this settled and finished in your soul and heart and mind. Talk with your father for awhile. Have him look you in the eyes and discuss what you should do. He seems to have a sense for where you are, but be sure about it. Don't leave with guilt and regret. Lastly, never compare yourself to your sister. We each have our own pain, our own faults, our own troubles. No matter how great and wonderful someone seems to have it on the outside, they have their own problems. Though they might be different from yours. Perhaps this issue you have, isn't an issue she has. But never mistake that this means she doesn't have any issues in her life. I don't know when your time will come, but it will come.

Yes, you should get on with your own life. It doesn't mean you have to forget about your parents, but your happiness is paramount. If YOU are not happy then you can't bring happiness into their lives. Your dad is thinking about your best interests and is not being selfish, which many are in his situation, so I applaud him.

Dearest Ambie thats no easy decision to make. Fact is, your sister, who, if I remember things correct from your previous discussions, is belittling you and hurting you emotionally when she talks to you and comes to see the parents, has her own life. Obviously she has just set up her life with husband and her own freedom and never asked who would care for the parents should they need help. You, the little sister were there to take everything off her shoulders. You are on disability yourself and you are not getting this disab. for nothing. Still you managed to care for your mom like you did and assisted your dad in the most wonderful way. all I can say now is, when your Dad thinks its good for you to move to this town where you have extended family and also your own life, then please please do this. It would be different if you were tied to your obligation by a family who only abuses you emotionally as it was the case with me in a similar situation. Contrary to my folks your Dad appreciates what you did so far and he tells you to live your own life so please go on with your move.

That's a tough circumstance. As a grown woman you want to live your life, but I'm sure the guilt would be hard to handle. I myself left college to help my mom when she was diagnosed with hepatitis c and was on debilitating medication. Once she was feeling better she insisted I leave home and continue living my life. How does your mom feel?