Do I Go
By p1kef1sh
@p1kef1sh (45681)
December 12, 2012 5:41pm CST
I had a mental breakdown in 2007 and discovered that a number of friends dropped me as they didn't want to be associated with someone like me. A loser In their eyes. At the time I was hurt by their reaction but understand that there is a stigma surrounding mental health issues and some people just cannot handle it. Anyway, five years later one couple have reappeared on the periphery of my life. Tomorrow my wife is going out with some girlfriends including the female partner of the couple that dropped me. The woman has suggested that I "tag along" with her husband and some other husbands who are going for a meal at a local restsurant. The men have not invited me directly. I don't want to appear churlish but I don't need their sympathy five years late now that I have out my life back together again. Neither do I wish to appear ungrateful however. Decisions decisions.....
7 people like this
28 responses
@LovingMyBabies (85288)
• Valdosta, Georgia
12 Dec 12
Yeah I think anyone would have been hurt in that situation. And it would be hard for me personally to face these people again after they pushed me away at my hardest moments in life...
I would forgive them as in no longer having anger towards them but to pretend like everything is fine and go out with them like nothing ever happened? Not me, I just could not do that.
But if you want to go that is your decision and I hope if you do that things go well for you. =) 
4 people like this
@LovingMyBabies (85288)
• Valdosta, Georgia
13 Dec 12
Well I would forgive but I just could not forget something like that. It's not something little, to me its a big deal...
2 people like this
@yoyo1198 (3641)
• United States
13 Dec 12
Hmmmm....I wouldn't go or have anything to do with them. They have already proven what kind of friends they are. What if something came up in the future that was similar? They'd be off the radar again as well. I don't need that kind of people. Don't know why you think you'd appear ungrateful. Ungrateful for what? A half hearted invitation in a round about way? Nuh, uh. I'd say 'no thanks' and not even 'thank you'.
4 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45681)
•
13 Dec 12
You are right. The invite is half hearted. I saw one of them standing at a bus stop about 3 miles from home a year ago. I stopped to offer him a lift as I had to drive right past his house - even if I wasn't I would still have offered the lift. He said that he was OK and would wait for the bus. So what has changed?
1 person likes this
Go, and act just a little "off". 
@bostonphil (4459)
• United States
13 Dec 12
First, do you want to go? If you do, I suggest that you go but take your own vehicle in case you feel like leaving if the situation does not feel comfortable. If you go, have a good time. If you find that it is not working and you are not enjoying yourself, leave, but leave comfortably.
I have been in a sort of similar situation and I love running into people who knew me when I was not doing well. I love showing off how well I am doing now (and I am). I am doing better than some of the people who turned their backs on me.
2007 was a long time ago. These men might really want to see you. I would take the risk.
3 people like this
@AnnieOakley1 (5596)
• Canada
13 Dec 12
Oh,
, well, in that case, if they haven't been welcoming, and you feel like they are acting as if they pity you, then, no, maybe don't go.
, well, in that case, if they haven't been welcoming, and you feel like they are acting as if they pity you, then, no, maybe don't go.2 people like this
@bostonphil (4459)
• United States
13 Dec 12
That does change the ballgame. Since they have seen you and while not rude, also not welcoming, I would not go. My situation has some similarities to yours but it is different. I know when i go to some events or happenings that I may see some of the people who turned their backs on me. I look forward to seeing how they behave. In some cases, they are unfriendly and rude while in other cases, casually friendly. None of them are more than casually friendly.
3 people like this
@nitinnair89 (2900)
• India
13 Dec 12
Glad to know you're back on track with your life.I hope you're enjoying it too.You can go with them but this time its your turn to take revenge.lol.Not literally though
3 people like this
@ZoeJoy (1392)
• United States
12 Dec 12
If the woman really said that you could 'tag along' with the men and the men haven't invited you, then I would forget it. If your wife wants to go that is up to her. Perhaps, because she is still married to you, they will find out that you are not so bad. I would find some new friends, if I were you.
4 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45681)
•
13 Dec 12
My wife has a very close group of friends and this woman has reappeared amongst them. Her friends have always been fine with me. I have a different life now from that of 5 years ago and lots of new friends. But that doesn't mean that part of me isn't curious. LOL.
3 people like this
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
13 Dec 12
You don't need to have "fair weather" friends. You're right-there is a terrible stigma associated with anyone that isn't perfect, and it is during those times that you learn who your real friends are. If this woman suggests it again, you have some options:
1. Agree with her, and do what she suggests.
2. Suggest a quiet dinner with just the four of you, so that you can gauge her husband's reaction.
3. Smile thinly, and say Thank You But No Thank You.
I would consider options 2 or 3 (3 being my personal favorite), but also take into consideration your feelings. Would you want to go down the same path as before?
3 people like this
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
14 Dec 12
That is true. It's surprising how immature adults can be at times!
A few years back, a few of the girls that I had known back in middle school wanted to get together. I wasn't totally thrilled with the prospect of going-there was one woman that I was friendly with, but it started growing and they wanted to see how many of us could make it. A date was set. Everything was going well until one of them suggested to bring someone I absolutely wasn't NOT looking forward to seeing. After I slept on it, I realized that these were the same women that I discontinued being friends with because of their childishness at the end of sixth grade-and gave my regrets. The one woman that I had wanted to see happened to be in town for a large college fair, and since I had a daughter preparing for college, I decided to stop by and say hi. Worked out perfectly-I got to have a few words with an old friend, take my daughter to a college fair (NEVER.EVER.AGAIN.), and not see people I really didn't have time for in my life!
I'm glad that you decided that you didn't want to go down that path again. I made the mistake of traveling down memory lane a few years back. Everything was going fine for a number of years, but suddenly, a number of major things happened that made me rethink the friendship.I cut that b1tch off cold-I don't mess around! 
@BarBaraPrz (47670)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
13 Dec 12
"Tag along?" Could she be any more condescending?
3 people like this
@wilsongoddard (7291)
• United States
13 Dec 12
Unless there is a way to get the upper hand in the conversation, I'm not certain it is worth going. I'm not much for the "forgive and forget" when the people who have wronged me are asking neither.
People will talk about being the "bigger person." Sometimes, though, it just isn't worth the effort. You've rebuilt your life. Let them go take a very long walk off a very short pier.
3 people like this
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
13 Dec 12
If you don't feel like coming, it is okay. It is your choice. And I understand how you feel. I know that you would not turn the invitation down if the husbands were the one who invited you, right?
3 people like this
@Arieles (2473)
• United States
13 Dec 12
Honestly, I would want nothing to do with them. Stigma or not, friends are friends and should be there no matter what. What if it had been them? What if they had been the ones going through those kinds of personal problems, would you have dropped them like a hot potato? I know I would have been there, I would have offered help, I would have done what I could to help make life a little easier for them. I would still care about them from afar, but no...I wouldn't let them in my life again. What? No, what if something else happens and they drop me again because of their inadequacies and inability to deal? Once trust is broken, it's extremely hard to get it back again.
2 people like this
@Arieles (2473)
• United States
13 Dec 12
I don't think loving someone from afar is holding a grudge. I think it's more of a sanity issue. These are the same type of people that will use and abuse you. You can forgive them, but you don't have to have them in your life. What if you had gotten in a really bad car accident? I'm sure the reaction wouldn't have been the same. And they all dropped you at once? Conspiracy? Not one was still your friend, still there for you? Well, you are better now and that is all that matters. I hope you continue to be well.
3 people like this
@Lovegreen (376)
• Philippines
13 Dec 12
For me it will have to depend on how you feel about going. If you don't feel like mingling now then maybe it's not the time to go with them yet, or maybe you don't want to be friends with them at all. It's only you who can weigh things, but for me I'll go with people who won't leave me when I'm down.
@greenthumb018 (595)
• Philippines
13 Dec 12
That must be hard for you and very hurtful, too. But if no one invited you, why go? Surely they will talk behind your back. I'm not saying that they're going to say bad things about you. But if they really cared about you, they should have invited you. If I'm in your situation, I will not go knowing that those people are not even concerned if I recovered or not.
3 people like this
@merry88 (25)
• Nigeria
13 Dec 12
I think its best to stay back and spend more meaningful time with your wife. Like you said, the husbands' did not invite your directly. So, going along with them uninvited is a way to show that you are begging for attention. Well, you don't have to beg for attention, since everything is now back to normal, you'll start making friends again very soon. My advice is "stay close to those who are close to you now and spend time with them. Don't go unless your are invited directly.
3 people like this
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
13 Dec 12
Oh! Big time..OH! This is one of those, you're danged if you DO and you're danged if you DON'T! A poser, by any stretch! I shouldn't...wouldn't and couldn't want to add anything that could color your decision! I certainly would be waying all sides...and wondering where they would have been, for me, if another part of my body were sick! Just can't be of any discernable help!
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
13 Dec 12
In my youth, and young adulthood, "mental disease" was a taboo topic..a closet illness, that one did not talk about, it was a distain! Thank goodness for evolution, we are NOW aware that it is a curable disease, just like any physical ailment! I truly AM sorry, that there a still those in the world that make this a stigma, and haven't made an effort to understand! This discussion troubled me a lot last night..AND ME (just me--NO advice)I came to realize that I would attend, and make them squirm...PLEASE, that is just me!2 people like this
@AnnieOakley1 (5596)
• Canada
13 Dec 12
Yes, I understand not wanting to 'rock the boat' and be the one to be left at home alone. I would still be hurt by their reaction in 'dumping' you, too, though. Basically, I would make the decision based on the activity planned. If you think you would enjoy what they are going to be doing, then go. If not, don't. Big help I am, eh? 
@kokomo (1867)
• Philippines
13 Dec 12
I think you better go with that gathering of your wife. Besides you are already well and there is nothing to worry about but your ego of dropping you by those old friends. Better to go so that you will know if you are still accepted by your friend and you'll know how will they treat you after they'll know that you are already well.
2 people like this
@dee777 (1417)
• South Africa
13 Dec 12
Sorry to hear that you were not well, but by the look of it you have overcome, so well done! Anyone can get sick at any given time and the people who so 'comfortably' dropped you should be ashamed of themselves! Take good care of yourself now and try to ignore bad remarks.
2 people like this
