Punished for being too nice
By Faye
@FayeHazel (40243)
United States
November 10, 2017 12:05pm CST
Hi MyLot! I'm feeling a little blue today. Maybe it's the headache I have. I rarely have headaches, so this is frustrating. That's probably it. I can't even do my "chocolate" cure for headache for fear of offending my stupid gallbladder. Ha!
Anyway!
I was thinking today about what it means to be a "nice" person.
I've heard that I'm "nice". I don't think it's a compliment anymore.
Nice - sets you up to get used. "Nice" draws the wrong grade of people to you.
Maybe I was just born a nice person, that can happen I guess. Part of it is also how I was raised on a couple of different levels. I was taught that you should be polite, be concerned for others, try to help when and where you can. And those are all good things - everyone should be taught. However I was also taught that if I wasn't always pleasant, soft spoken, kind to the point of putting myself in last place.... that could trigger anger. I don't mean to get into my past -- but these were my dad's issues.
So today - it is hard for me to say "no" , hard for me to ask for things I want, or need out of fear of being a burden to others, easy for me to say "yes" to things I don't want and easy for me to help others or volunteer.
It's easy for me to let others have their own way and blankly praise them.
"Oh wow, you're so smart". "Oh you want dinner somewhere else? Yeah that's fine"....
Now, I would have thought that being the "yes" person for lack of better wording would get a person respect. I mean wouldn't you love to hang out with someone where you (normally) got your own way? Wouldn't you treat that person well, because you appreciate their effort in bending to your will?
Not so apparently.
No. If you are too nice - it would seem that people take you for granted. Anything you say gets steamrolled over. And if you try to assert yourself once - there is backlash.
Also it seems to draw the wrong sort of people to you, to start with. It draws users to you. "Drive me around", "Borrow or give me cash", "Do my cleaning for me".....
Anyway. I don't know, it's my two cents though. What do you make of it?
Any "nice" people out there who have been able to change not be so nice?
I'll go take a headache pill now. ;-)
Photo: Mine
48 people like this
47 responses
@1creekgirl (41424)
• United States
10 Nov 17
I can totally understand. I've always been a rather meek/nice person. My husband gave me some really good advice years ago when he said, "No one will ever take you seriously if you don't have an opinion." It doesn't mean we have to be rude, just have and speak our opinion. And if someone doesn't like that, so be it.
12 people like this
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
10 Nov 17
thanks for the suggestion to this post. and yes, my mom used to say, "if you don't speak up, no one can read your mind!" but i never listened i guess. her voice said things like that to me but the way she raised me and treated me was why i am like that
6 people like this
@silvermist (19702)
• India
12 Nov 17
@1creekgirl , thank you for suggesting this discussion.
5 people like this
@FayeHazel (40243)
• United States
12 Nov 17
@bunnybon7 It is true. I know that's a fault of mine sometimes, too. Thanks for sharing that
3 people like this
@Happy2BeMe (99380)
• Canada
10 Nov 17
I could have written that. I am the exact same way. Nice people get taken advantage of a lot because people know you aren't going to day anything. Sadly it doesn;t go both way. I often wish I could be more assertive or speak my mind or for once day "no" but I just can't do it. It is hard to change yourself.
11 people like this
@Happy2BeMe (99380)
• Canada
12 Nov 17
@FayeHazel we can do it. I only wish it was as easy as it sounds..hugs back
2 people like this
@FayeHazel (40243)
• United States
12 Nov 17
So true, change is so hard. Heres to being able to say no more easily. *hug*
2 people like this
@Luap1050 (876)
•
12 Nov 17
Being reasonable in requests and not " demanding" things should be equal for friends and family alike , otherwise relationships strain or worse.. I guess the real question may be is their a point when it gets so bad you walk away or cocoon into a corner and stop being with people as much?...that's the worst possible outcome if we don't speak up.
4 people like this
@RasmaSandra (79833)
• Daytona Beach, Florida
10 Nov 17
I am just that nice. If possible I try to make sure that I can help anyone who needs it. I have had moments that people have taken advantage of this but lately I guess I am lucky to be alone. I am also nice online but it has made me many online friends. Hope you feel better soon.
8 people like this
@FayeHazel (40243)
• United States
12 Nov 17
Thanks! I took a pill and felt better. I think you're right, it's in finding the balance of being nice and in not getting used
5 people like this
@Marilynda1225 (82791)
• United States
10 Nov 17
I've been taken advantage of by my "so called" friends for being too nice. As I grow older I've become wiser but it's still hard for me not to be nice
9 people like this
@FayeHazel (40243)
• United States
12 Nov 17
I think it is just in our personality ... and I hope you have friends now who cherish you
3 people like this
@teamfreak16 (43418)
• Denver, Colorado
10 Nov 17
I have a hard time saying no myself.
8 people like this
@Kandae11 (55005)
•
10 Nov 17
When I first joined the work force, I saw the world through rose tinted glasses - I thought everyone liked me - because I was "nice". My vision cleared soon enough.
Thank you @1creekgirl for suggesting this post - otherwise I might have missed it.
Thank you @1creekgirl for suggesting this post - otherwise I might have missed it.8 people like this
@FayeHazel (40243)
• United States
12 Nov 17
I think there should be "reality" colored glasses, but what shade would those be?
4 people like this
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
10 Nov 17
i identify with everything you said. and in fact one time i asked one of my husbands, of which i had 5, why he loved me and he said because i was the nicest person he ever knew. 
yes, you would think i was a real beauty with all those men asking me to marry them, even some that i ended up eventually to stop asking. but i was never a beauty and never rich, etc.
and as for the chocolate helping or other things helping one ailment but causing another, yes, it is very frustrating at times when you don't know what to take.
yes, you would think i was a real beauty with all those men asking me to marry them, even some that i ended up eventually to stop asking. but i was never a beauty and never rich, etc.
and as for the chocolate helping or other things helping one ailment but causing another, yes, it is very frustrating at times when you don't know what to take.7 people like this
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
12 Nov 17
@FayeHazel i just hope you feel better today. as i do. wish i lived close. we could "be nice" each other all the time. be nice to have such a caring friend so much like myself
3 people like this
@FayeHazel (40243)
• United States
13 Nov 17
@bunnybon7 Thank you dear. I am warmed by your kindness. I would love to be able to hang out in real life we could both be kind and appreciated by each other. I am blessed to know you on here. :-)
1 person likes this
@FayeHazel (40243)
• United States
12 Nov 17
I hope that your husbands all treated you well. Well, maybe you're more beautiful than you think. It is a rare thing indeed to find a beautiful person who doesn't know it. ;-)
I wish "nice" drew so many men to me. :-)
Thanks -- so true. I used to have chocolate and caffeine for headaches - but ... I fear the chocolate may set off the gallbladder now. Gr.
4 people like this
@Orson_Kart (6776)
• United Kingdom
10 Nov 17
Yeah, you're too nice, but it's not in your nature not to be nice. If your friends are treating you bad then you have to point it out, in a nice way of course. If they don't improve then find a nice way to distance yourself from them until the realise the error of their ways.
6 people like this
@Orson_Kart (6776)
• United Kingdom
10 Nov 17
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=I9XsKu9WiVs
Here's a good old cockney song to hopefully cheer you up. 
Stereo:- http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=I9XsKu9WiVs&fmt=18 My take on Chas and Dave's 'The Sideboard Song'.. Lyrics to The Sideboard Song : Mother phoned up l...
5 people like this
@FayeHazel (40243)
• United States
12 Nov 17
Good point -- As much as I've tried I can't be not-nice. Ha. Must be a personality thing. Good advice. Politely point it out first....
3 people like this
@LeaPea2417 (37351)
• Toccoa, Georgia
10 Nov 17
I try to be nice in all situations.
7 people like this
@FayeHazel (40243)
• United States
12 Nov 17
It's nice to be nice, but bad to be taken advantage of
4 people like this
@lookatdesktop (27134)
• Dallas, Texas
10 Nov 17
You are simply being taken advantage of by selfish people, based on what you just said here. I think it's time to say, "NO MORE MRS NICE GAL." The very point you make is clear that you need to put your foot down ans say, I have had enough. Time for me to look after numero uno, myself. They will back off and respect you even though they may feel like, Oops, now I have to do things myself, guess they will have to get off their lazy horse and do things themselves and stop using you.
6 people like this
@lookatdesktop (27134)
• Dallas, Texas
12 Nov 17
@FayeHazel , Thanks. I needed that stroke to my ego.
4 people like this
@FayeHazel (40243)
• United States
12 Nov 17
I love it. You should be motivational speaker. "No More MRS Nice gal" that should go on a t-shirt. -- you're right. I think ... after awhile... people would respect me. According to my train of thought , people should respect the "nice", but no... it simply doesn't go that way.
4 people like this
@JudyEv (339930)
• Rockingham, Australia
10 Nov 17
I'm sorry you've been taken advantage of and I hope you learn to stand up for yourself more. The first time you say 'no' to something will be the hardest. If your refusal is justified, there is no need to give reasons for the 'no' Just keep saying 'I'm sorry but no'. As I said, the first time will be the hardest.
7 people like this
@FayeHazel (40243)
• United States
12 Nov 17
Thanks for the advice, I think you're right, the first time is tough, probably why I hesitate. After while won't be so bad. Thank you :-)
4 people like this
@andriaperry (116936)
• Anniston, Alabama
11 Nov 17
First I have some of that exact glass candy but in a blue dish!
I used to be exactly like that and last year I grew a backbone and now I do not feel used, I say no, I am sorry but I cant, I am busy and my real friends are still around.
I used to be exactly like that and last year I grew a backbone and now I do not feel used, I say no, I am sorry but I cant, I am busy and my real friends are still around.7 people like this
@FayeHazel (40243)
• United States
12 Nov 17
No way! Small world. I would love to see your "candy" I just love mine, it's so happy and festive.
I am happy you grew a backbone, I aspire to
3 people like this
@kobesbuddy (78882)
• East Tawas, Michigan
10 Nov 17
It has been impossible at times, to say 'NO.' So, I've been taken advantage of, over and over again, for not asserting myself!:(
7 people like this
@kobesbuddy (78882)
• East Tawas, Michigan
11 Nov 17
@rey123 It also helps us realize our true value and who our real friends are! LOL
4 people like this
@rey123 (774)
•
12 Nov 17
@kobesbuddy Haha right...Being Assertive is always better than being Agressive....LOL
5 people like this
@snowy22315 (180674)
• United States
11 Nov 17
People that are too nice can be used for sure. I think nice with boundaries is the way to be.
6 people like this
@FayeHazel (40243)
• United States
12 Nov 17
I agree, finding the line for boundaries is tough sometimes, but worthwhile
4 people like this
@silvermist (19702)
• India
12 Nov 17
I agree with @responsiveme.I always was a kind person.Still am.But until some time back I was a very very nice person.If some body wanted money or a drive to some place,I would be there.They do not even have to ask me.Things happen and make our eyes open to see the reality.Better late than never.I learned to say '' no''. Of course,I am still a kind person but not too nice.I think you have taken the first step.The persons who know our true worth and sincerity will always be with us.
6 people like this
@silvermist (19702)
• India
19 Nov 17
@FayeHazel Yes,you are right.True friends will never desert us.
@FayeHazel (40243)
• United States
12 Nov 17
That is beautifully written. As being a nice person you deserve to be treasured, not used. You're right those who value us will still be there
5 people like this
@FayeHazel (40243)
• United States
12 Nov 17
Oh wow, that's *really really* nice :-)
3 people like this
@HebrewGreekStudies (1646)
• Canada
10 Nov 17
Yes, I am often labeled nice, and have been since I was in 3rd grade. Especially in my vocation, sometimes it does leave one open to be used, if not careful. These days I am still labeled "nice", but by some, I think I have been regulated to "less nice", because now I tend to be a bit more frank and straitforward re. my limitations of what I am able to give others of myself. On my part, that was a lesson in maturity I had to learn for my own wellbing, how can I serve others if I myself have allowed myself to be diminished? I hope your headache will feel better:(.
6 people like this
@FayeHazel (40243)
• United States
12 Nov 17
I like that. I strive to be "less nice" myself.
Thanks! I took some pain pills and it's gone now
What is your vocation? Interesting user name you have
4 people like this
@TheInvisibleMan (17597)
•
11 Nov 17
The problem is not you, it's the others who take advantage of the situation.
6 people like this
@FayeHazel (40243)
• United States
12 Nov 17
Thanks, it's true, you're right - the wrong type of people
4 people like this
@BearArtistLady (6037)
• United States
12 Nov 17
I think my being nice come from the way I was treated by my sibling. From as early as I can remember my brother was constantly hitting me, pulling my hair and abusing me in one way or another. I promised myself when I was five years old that I would be nice to others and help them any way I could. I stood up for myself after my brother left home, but I still was super nice and helpful to others. Every once in awhile I have to get tough with someone, but I don't make a practice of it. I have been more than paid back this past month after my house burned down. My neighbors and friends banded together and came to where I am staying and gave me clothes, toiletries, and even a vehicle! It made me more than glad that I have always been a nice,polite,and giving person. I plan to continue being a nice person.
5 people like this
@FayeHazel (40243)
• United States
12 Nov 17
Wow. I am so sorry that your brother was that abusive. Yours is a beautiful telling of how you could have gone the other way... it could have made you hard or bitter ... instead you decided to be a kind person. I am sorry your house burned but I am so happy those friends stood by and have helped as best they could. Thank you for sharing.
5 people like this
@FayeHazel (40243)
• United States
12 Nov 17
@BearArtistLady Ah as the old saying says "hurt people, hurt people". There is someone who is messed up in my family too. They truly cannot see that a lot of the pain they have in life is caused by them and them alone. It's so weird.
Stay strong and beautiful.
3 people like this
@BearArtistLady (6037)
• United States
12 Nov 17
@FayeHazel It is so easy to choose to hurt people (and animals). I have always found it to be more fun and satisfying to be kind and loving. I have never figured out why my brother chose to be as awful as he was, but I figured that because of that choice he missed out on a lot of wonderfulness in this world.
Thank you for the kind words and sympathy about my house and my brother. I think all his abuse has made me strong enough to handle having had my house burn down.
3 people like this
